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confused sub - 3/28/2007 4:48:49 AM

shyanne

Posts: 1
Joined: 2/6/2007
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Hi,

i am seeking some advice please.

i am a submissive and am a little confused at the moment.
i was in a r/ship with a Mistress and there is something that i really dont understand

i could easily talk openly to any other people but when it came to talking to Mistress i was always tounge tied and it did not matter what i said it never came out right.

this caused us great frustration and lots of mis-communication.

i would really like to resolve this as if i am lucky enough to find another Mistress i really dont want this happen.

thankyou

shyanne

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RE: confused sub - 3/28/2007 4:54:53 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
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Your Mistress is a person, a human being. It sounds as if perhaps you put her way up on a tall pedestal and view her with a deep awe. That can be flattering, some even desire it. But it can cause problems in the communication department. Perhaps what you may want to try is just sitting down with her and talking openly and freely (if she allows that). Try to get to know each other really well. As I tell my sub we can talk about anything and everything.

Or you may want to try writing her a letter and telling her about the difficulties that you are having expressing yourself to her. That would then leave the door open for her to approach you first in a way she finds pleasing.

Either way you two need to have a chat so you can get over this bump in the road.

Good luck
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to shyanne)

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RE: confused sub - 3/28/2007 6:05:12 AM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
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I would have told her I'd noticed this shortcoming in myself and hopefully with diligence and guidance we would have overcome it together.
I'm sure on day you'll find a Mistress with good communication skills that will have the ability to read your body language, recognize where your immediate drama comes from & steer you clear of it.
In the mean time, practice talking to your mirror like it's a woman you're completely infatuated with.
Maybe in some ways you'll be able to work through this yourself enough to have more confidence in you doing better next time.
suzanne

(in reply to shyanne)

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RE: confused sub - 3/28/2007 6:13:26 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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I've noticed that some people have this idea that being submissive means you shouldn't have opinions or desires or wants -- it can be a real communication killer. They may not even say these things in a general discussion but when they try to communicate those ideas block them.

This idea can come from either doms or subs. In my experience I find when it comes from the sub herself it is a very difficult thing to get over.

One thing you can do is discuss this issue during negotiations. Make this one of the things you bring. Then you both can work on different ways to cope with this issue.

One of the things I do with Fox is I order him to tell me how he feels and what he wants. Then I'm insistant but patient. I offer him various ways to tell me -- writing it down (journaling can be good for the first year of a relationship for this reason), drawing about it, sending me an email, etc. But we always moved away from these distancing strategies to talking face-to-face.

Many people have out of scene time set aside to discuss things.

The key here is that now that you know this is a difficulty for you, you need to bring this up in negotiations then be willing to challenge yourself to get better over time. It will require help though from your dom.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to shyanne)

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RE: confused sub - 3/28/2007 6:59:52 AM

canupleaseme

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Joined: 7/9/2006
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I must admit when I first got together with my boy I sometimes found it very hard toexpress myself or communicatemy needs to him. We had a system set up in place where if either of us had anything that we felt was perhaps to difficult to say face to face then we would write to each other or email each other and eventually we got to a place where we can pretty much say anything now face to face. I think when something and someone is very important to you and you dont want to say something wrong or justcant even find the words almost then writitng it down always helps me. Even if i write it down leave it for a bit read it again and then say what I want to his face.

I have a special book and in it I write down things he has done that really made me smile, things I would like to do to him but wouldnt suggest, different ideas for rewards or anything if anything bondagy comes to mind I write it in there. And he gets to look at the book if he has been a good boy. Its a different way of communicating what I want that keeps him wanting to be a good boy so he can look at it.

Although ive gone slightly off point what Im trying to say is dont be too hard on yourself about this, lots of people have problems communicating especially when its to something important, and there are so many nice ways to communicate what you want without it having to become a problem. Im sure when you find your new mistress if she is right for you you will have noproblem communicating to her at all in any way