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Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 4:09:18 PM

AdoraLooking

Posts: 15
Joined: 3/12/2007
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I didn't know where to put this, so I thought I'd put it here. I've been getting to know someone through emails from here and now on messenger for a couple of weeks now off and on. I've told him that I'm interested, though he doesn't seem to believe me, though I'm not going to rush into anything and I want to take my time because I know that I really don't know him very well yet, and I don't want to rush into a relationship, especially this type of relationship without knowing him well enough and without meeting him. Apparently me telling him that I'm interested isn't enough and he wants me to just be with him without me really knowing him well enough and I can't do that. There is alot that we haven't really talked about, though with what we have talked about, he feels that's enough and I get the sense from him that I don't need to know anything else. I feel as if he's pushing me to be with him and in a sense that's really only pushing me away. There are others that I'd like to get to know to. Has anyone else ever had this happen and what if anything have you done about it?

Post #: 1

RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 4:20:11 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Yes, I have! I think that it is good you are questioning his responses to you.

What this person is really, in essence, saying to you, as far as I can tell is:

1) I don't have very good relationship-building skills, and don't see compromise as something I consider necessary.

To me, this is a red flag. Why would you ever want a relationship w/someone who didn't really want to know you better? Is that really even what can be considered a "relationship"? Maybe, just not a very good one, IMO.

2) He doesn't respect your boundaries.

One of your boundaries obviously includes getting to know someone pretty well before moving in with them, or closer to them. Did you explain this to him? This "respecting boundaries" stuff is pretty basic, and this is just the beginning of your relationship. If he can't get this part down, then I see trouble ahead. I wouldn't want to be with someone long-term who wasn't sophisticated enough to understand this.

3) It's possible he really hasn't thought about any of this, really.

In which case, I'd request to discuss it more deeply, and see where it goes. He could have good intentions, but be unaware of just how much this really means to you.

4) If he is simply asking to meet you in person, I do consider that a legitimate request. I'd see if you can accomodate him, if you're serious about things going any further. This in-person meeting stuff doesn't obligate you, (and I'd make sure he knows that, too) but might give you both more opportunity to see if you want to take things further.

Good luck.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/28/2007 4:44:35 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to AdoraLooking)

Post #: 2

RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 4:23:26 PM

ncmaster75

Posts: 41
Joined: 6/30/2006
Status: offline

Well, like you said it is best in any relationship, and especially this kind, not to rush things. If you keep in contact with him everyday then he should know that you are serious. I understand him not believing you because so many people send emails these days or chat with you and they say they are interested and just dissappear. But if you maintain an everday relationship with him then he should start to build up trust for you. If not then he's just being pushy. Tell him good things come to those who wait! Oh, and actually it has happened to me too...I made a bad decision and gave in to the pressure.....it was disastrous.

< Message edited by ncmaster75 -- 3/28/2007 4:24:38 PM >

(in reply to AdoraLooking)

Post #: 3

RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 4:30:47 PM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

It seems from the way you've written your OP that you're really going off of assumptions and making your own conclusions without really comunicating anything to him. He may very well think that it is time to move to the next level because you aren't giving any indication what so ever that you're not ready. Talk to him more. Try actually asking him for his thoughts instead of just assuming them. If push comes to shove and he won't talk anymore but still wants to proceed then you know it's not right for you. But you really won't know unless you try to really communicate.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to AdoraLooking)

Post #: 4

RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 4:39:23 PM

Nikolette

Posts: 488
Joined: 10/2/2004
Status: offline

As was mentioned to you- this person seems to be obviously pushing your boundaries. Although you weren't very clear about what "just being with him" meant I assume you mean an official, exclusive relationship- rather than just meetings.

You have already told yourself what to do. "There are others that I'd like to get to know too." So while you may be interested in THIS guy... You are obviously also interested in other guys.

Anyone who has ever pushed my boundaries and shown a desperate desire to simply seal the deal so to speak too early I have very politely declined further contact with. Its important to build a relationship out of trust, respect, communication and affection. Obviously you can't build any of this with someone who is basically a stranger, and of whom wants more from you than you are comfortable with.

I learned long ago that people will show you- through their actions and expectations- who they are. All you have to do is watch them and listen to them and then make choices that reflect who they SHOW you they are, rather than who you may want them to be, or who they are trying to tell you they are.

Don't let someone manipulate you into compromising yourself.

_____________________________

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." ---Mahatma Gandhi

(in reply to AdoraLooking)

Post #: 5

RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 4:45:27 PM

AdoraLooking

Posts: 15
Joined: 3/12/2007
Status: offline

Thank you, Susan. What you've said makes sense. I have explained it to him and he just doesn't see it that way. He would rather we talk some, talk on the phone, and then meet all within a couple of weeks without really knowing each other very well. I don't have a problem meeting him in person, but I would like to know a whole lot more about him than I do now. He's not one to just ask questions or me ask questions. He would rather just talk about anything and you can get to know someone in doing that, but not well enough to actually know if your compatible and not well enough to know them.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 6

RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 4:49:28 PM

AdoraLooking

Posts: 15
Joined: 3/12/2007
Status: offline

He should know because we do, but apparently he doesn't, and I've told him several times. I understand to, though I'm not one to disappear. He should but I guess he doesn't yet. I have told him that, but he's not willing to wait. I am sorry to hear that and I don't want something disastrous. I've had enough of that.

(in reply to ncmaster75)

Post #: 7

RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 4:54:17 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I know where you are coming from, I think. I think this could be a case of not all that great compatibility - but I'd meet him in person to find out for sure.

Personally, I find it hard to build a deeper relationship w/someone, when all I know about them are their favorite colors and foods. Some people aren't great talkers - it doesn't mean, necessarily, they aren't good people. This is a judgment call for you, really. I'd give him a chance, and meet him in person, and see where it goes, and to see if the situation improves.

Make it clear you're not up to an exclusive relationship yet. If he can't deal, then fine, he moves on and finds someone else then.

Explain it to him this way: How can he expect you to "put your life in his hands" (which is what one does w/ a Dominant, IMO, in reality) when he won't open up? He needs to be able to talk to you about things like his views on life, love, happiness, where he sees his life headed, etc. I'd ask the questions you want him to answer, and see what he says. If he just cannot do this, then I'd explain this is one of your "deeper needs" he is not going to be able to fulfill, and that this is one of those "deal-breakers" to you.

I'd tell him I am sure he's right for someone, just probably not you.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/28/2007 4:56:37 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to AdoraLooking)

Post #: 8

RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 4:56:24 PM

AdoraLooking

Posts: 15
Joined: 3/12/2007
Status: offline

I have talked to him and have communicated to him how I feel several times. I have told him I am not ready. It's impossible to move to the next level when you don't know personal things about someone, things that you should know when getting to know someone and none of that is really known and those are things that have to be asked about and he doesn't really want to know them.

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 9

RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 4:58:38 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Tell him him this is a "deal-breaker" for you, and by refusing to tell you more, he is putting you in the postion of being more of a Domme than a submissive, by having to make demands on him, and tell him this makes you feel less than cared for. Tell him he simply doesn't appear to understand your needs. See what he says. If he really wants you, IMO, he'll figure out a way to make this work. If not, count your belsssings you found out early on.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/28/2007 4:59:57 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to AdoraLooking)

Post #: 10

RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 4:58:40 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

Just to play Devil's advocate, and without any real details...There are many who have been strung along for quite some time. There are those who have been burned by waiting to meet and see if there really is an attraction. He may just be pushing for a commitment to trying. It doesn't sound like he's trying to push a collar on you or make a play date. It sounds like he wants to meet for coffee and have a conversation. If that feels pushy to you, then it's pushy. It's all about perspective, but I would try to understand where he's coming from, as well. He's probably trying to decide whether you're worth an emotional investment.

That is not to say that you should ignore any red flags that your instincts are giving you. If you don't want to go, then don't. If you want to wait, then wait. Just understand that he may not believe your motives for waiting are anything other than stringing him along.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to AdoraLooking)

Post #: 11

RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 5:01:00 PM

Rafters

Posts: 266
Joined: 3/9/2006
Status: offline

Treat seduction like a dance.
Sometimes very rigid, formal and with rules and props, sometimes a spur of the moment thing made up as you go along with whatever comes to hand.
It may only be for the night

or may only stop at the partners gravesite

or maybe even beyond.

It is eye contact, flirting, circling, whispers, hands-free flowers, accidental grinding, ignited emotions, gentle squeezes leading to that moment of surrender. It may be taken from the dance floor, it may pause for meals, but the shared dance of seduction is what the relationship label is slapped on.

Starting the first date with a rib cracking, rugby tackle of a move, don't think thats a dance move that 'll get you very far.

You gotta show some sign that you can control yourself at the very least.

(in reply to ncmaster75)

Post #: 12

RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 5:04:09 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

That's true as well. I think she can just plain tell him she isn't in a position yet to want an exclusive relationship. He sounds like he wants one (and maybe if he cooperated a little more, she would, too. Hard to tell, really.)

At some point, no matter who the OP is interested in, she will be requested to make a decision about getting closer. If she is just not ready, I get that. But (the following might be food for thought, although it depends one's perspective, I suppose)...

These kinds of situations are one reason I am Poly, and not monogamous. I don't see myself as any less committed to relationships beacuse of this, and I certainly don't see them as mere superficial encounters (at all). I also don't want to feel glued for life to someone who may well turn out to be way less than compatible with me in the long run, either, (been there, done that).

I want to be able to pursue (or be pursued by) others that may fulfill other parts of my personality. If some have problems with the fact I want this, or think it automatcially means I will be less devoted to them, then they are not for me, and I tell them that.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/28/2007 5:20:34 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to spanklette)

Post #: 13

RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 5:04:23 PM

AdoraLooking

Posts: 15
Joined: 3/12/2007
Status: offline

Yes, he does seem to be doing that. I did mean that, an official relationship and that to me can't be done in a matter of weeks, it takes time. Yeah, your right I have told myself what to do. I am interested in him, but I want to get to know the others to. I agree. It is important to build a relationship out of all of that. If you don't, you don't have anything. Yeah, I'm learning that to and I won't. Thanks.

(in reply to Nikolette)

Post #: 14

RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 5:13:08 PM

curiouslyseeking

Posts: 924
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AdoraLooking

He would rather we talk some, talk on the phone, and then meet all within a couple of weeks without really knowing each other very well.

Okayyyyyyyyyyyyy....and the problem is?

Grabbing a cup of coffee in a public setting with someone you are obviously interested in?

You will find more answers in meeting him and looking into his eyes than seeking answers on the forums.

Since you are on the board seeking advice..My advice instead of looking for reasons that you should not meet to check out compatibilty, you should be looking for reasons that make you feel safer, such as having phone numbers, address, place of employment, leaving the information with a friend and/or a safe call......and just do it or move on.

Simple.

< Message edited by curiouslyseeking -- 3/28/2007 5:17:23 PM >

_____________________________

"The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose to have no choice"

(in reply to AdoraLooking)

Post #: 15

RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 5:16:17 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

K, that's what I said... you were just a bit more blunt.

Edited for spelling...geez.

< Message edited by spanklette -- 3/28/2007 5:17:20 PM >

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to curiouslyseeking)

Post #: 16

RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 5:21:40 PM

curiouslyseeking

Posts: 924
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: spanklette

K, that's what I said... you were just a bit more blunt.

Edited for spelling...geez.

Big blunt smile ...sawwy...take the kinder and gentler road next time...(maybe)

< Message edited by curiouslyseeking -- 3/28/2007 5:22:43 PM >

_____________________________

"The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose to have no choice"

(in reply to spanklette)

Post #: 17

RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 5:23:56 PM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AdoraLooking

I didn't know where to put this, so I thought I'd put it here. I've been getting to know someone through emails from here and now on messenger for a couple of weeks now off and on. I've told him that I'm interested, though he doesn't seem to believe me, though I'm not going to rush into anything and I want to take my time because I know that I really don't know him very well yet, and I don't want to rush into a relationship, especially this type of relationship without knowing him well enough and without meeting him. Apparently me telling him that I'm interested isn't enough and he wants me to just be with him without me really knowing him well enough and I can't do that. There is alot that we haven't really talked about, though with what we have talked about, he feels that's enough and I get the sense from him that I don't need to know anything else. I feel as if he's pushing me to be with him and in a sense that's really only pushing me away. There are others that I'd like to get to know to. Has anyone else ever had this happen and what if anything have you done about it?

Your post is very vague and doesnt really say what it is you want to know from him.

And then by reading your other posts, I am getting two different images here. One of a man who wants to meet in real time - and one who wants a full on commitment relationship starting via online only - so which one is it? Telling him you are interested is one thing - but how long have you been telling him this for? A few days? A couple of weeks? Are you local to each other? Is there something stopping you from having a simple coffee? What information do you need to 'feel safe'? Have you communicated these to him so he can put your mind at rest? What personal things is you you feel you have to know? What side of the bed he sleeps on? His driving license? Scene recommendations? His kinks? Has he refused you any information at all?

Maybe you are not communicating directly to him, rather hovering over whether you want to take the next step and this is making him believe you are not wanting to progress? Each person has a different time line so its possible your just not on the same one.

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to AdoraLooking)

Post #: 18

RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 5:27:59 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

If you feel at this point your'e simply not compatible, then maybe you don't want to meet him in person. That's okay. If that's the case, I'd just plain say it doesn't seem you're right for eachother (and he shoud be glad he found that out at this early a junture as well).

If you think the situation has possibilities, and just aren't sure, I'd meet with him. If he's way out of town, then you'll have to see who pays for the trip, etc. Since he wants to meet, maybe he can do it (but maybe you can pay for part of it? I dunno).

If it's just local meet for coffee, if you're just not attracted, there isn't a reason you have to meet him.

But I can see why he'd want to meet you, if you've been e-mailing for weeks.

If you're slightly uncomfortable, but do want to meet him, I'd make sure he understands:

1) You're not at a point where you are going to exclusively committ to someone else yet. And -

2) You really think its important to get to know someone more than superficially to engage in bdsm activity w/them (if you do), and certainly you need to know them better to have an exclusive relationship.

If you make all this clear, and he just can't deal, then you have your answer as far as where this is headed. If it works out, great. If it doesn't there are other fish in the sea for both of you. But good luck, I wish you well.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/28/2007 5:35:46 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to curiouslyseeking)

Post #: 19

RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 5:36:24 PM

AdoraLooking

Posts: 15
Joined: 3/12/2007
Status: offline

Susan, from talking with him now I think it's that to, though I would like to meet him since I can't really know for sure. It just seems we aren't really seeing eye to eye on this and can't really get into a common ground. I find it hard to build a relationship with them to in just knowing favorite colors and foods, I need more than that. I'd like to give him a chance and I'd like to meet him, but that's only if he's willing to wait to let that happen. I'll ask him those questions and see what he says. He really does seem to be a great guy, but he wants it all now and not later and I can't do now.

spanklette, I can understand that, I really can as I've been done that way before. I don't have a problem with meeting for conversation and I have told him this, but he wants it all now and isn't willing to give me the time I need to get to know him. He's really right now trying to make me feel guilty because I won't give in and give him everything now and well, it's not going to work.

Rafters, I really like how you described seduction.

Susan, I have, and I'm just not getting anywhere. He has said we will just remain friends and just casually talk and if we meet, we meet, if not, we don't and he hopes I find who or what I'm looking for because he doesn't feel it's him, and so that's fine. I don't really know what to think about him or any of this, I just know I'm not going to move into something that is this complicated and this important way to fast.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 20

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