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Need advices please. - 3/30/2007 4:18:57 AM

Chloelicious

Posts: 1078
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: belgium, Brussels, Forest
Status: offline

Dear kinky lifestylers,

My dom and I are living together since 4 years and it has been 5 years since our first BDSM experience.
At the beginning of our relationship, we played once a week then we played just at private parties and Clubs. Now we do not play anymore.

What are the reasons?
First I entered sm without really knowing what it was.
Second i'm not really willing to have sessions because there is no sex and I m a really sexually oriented person.
Third I m pretty much dominant by nature ( i've been told ).
I see that he is not happy with the way the relationship turn, He loves me but i refrain him from what he likes.

My questions are: Considering that i really love him

What can I do to put our sm sessions back on track knowing that i m not a tough pain addict?
Must I try to find him a new Submissive?
Must I give a try to Other dom(me)?
If you were at his place wich actions would you like me to do to put things straight?
If you were me what would be your reactions?
Do you think this relationship is about to sink?

I know that it s hard to give advices like that and you dont have to answer all the questions.Anyway if you are willing to help me, I thank you in advance.

Chloé

< Message edited by Chloelicious -- 3/30/2007 4:20:13 AM >

_____________________________

If the Evil spirit arm the Tiger with Claws, Brahman provided wings for the Dove...... Guns and roses

If global warming continue, we will have SOLAR bears !!!
( unknown)

If love is blind......I guess I will buy myself a cane (guns and roses

Post #: 1

RE: Need advices please. - 3/30/2007 5:53:50 AM

MstrStoney

Posts: 8
Joined: 2/21/2007
Status: offline

I have just come out of A realationship that I did not want to do . But it is some what like you have . I suggest that go back to the start and see what got you there . Just my opinion.

Good luck
MstrStoney

(in reply to Chloelicious)

Post #: 2

RE: Need advices please. - 3/30/2007 6:11:51 AM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

I think not being able to tolerate pain vs being able to submit and service your Dom are two separate issues.
I think the advice "Third I m pretty much dominant by nature ( i've been told ). "
has to do with the notion you resist being submissive in your day to day life as well as in scening.
I'd recommend you doing some serious soul searching as to why you feel you're geared to thinking you're submissive and how that can benefit your life and relationship.
If indeed you do love this man and want to submit to him then figure out how in your heart to let him lead, find ways to please him that shows your servitude to him, and have him help you find lighter avenues of play you both enjoy.
As your processing the scene in lighter sensations you can gradually grow to the point you can take a fair bit more than you could now before you become anxiety driven by the uncomfortableness.
First and foremost you have to trust he'll keep you safe from permanent harm, then you have to let go and allow him to use you body for his pleasures.
If his notion of scening does not relate to sexual stimulation I'm pretty sure you'll not change that notion in him. As you say you've already made it clear you consider sexual stimulation necessary for you to enjoy scening you need to decide if you think you can wrap your mind around not having that in your scenes more than trying to withhold scening as a bartering chip to top him and get what you want.
After you've searched your heart and decided what parts of your soap boxes you are and are not willing to step off of vs how much you love this man and want to be his your choice should become more clear as to if it's a toxic relationship or one that will sustain you.
We all know this decision is never easy, but in the long run you have to choose what you feel will be emotionally healthy for you both.
Good luck in your decision.
suzanne

(in reply to Chloelicious)

Post #: 3

RE: Need advices please. - 3/30/2007 7:05:27 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I need more of the picture.

You used to scene once a week, which means for awhile everyone was having a great time- or someone was faking have a great time and decided they couldn't fake it anymore, or someone was trying but not really having a good time and got tired of trying?

What exactly happened to make it go from once a week to hardly ever?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 4

RE: Need advices please. - 3/30/2007 7:05:28 AM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline

chloe,

I agree with the points that onestandingstill put out there.

The relationship has to work on both sides of the slash, and the longer it exists the greater the danger that is will disolve under the present circumstances.

Ever consider that your just not feeling submissive to Him aan he senses it?
is the non scene sex adequate? right now your relationship is not working as a D/s or S/M and I believe that you both have to work to fix it or both move on so your D/s life opportunities do not go wasted.

good Fortune

CP

(in reply to Chloelicious)

Post #: 5

RE: Need advices please. - 3/30/2007 7:12:14 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Chloelicious
What are the reasons?
First I entered sm without really knowing what it was.

This can be a problem. It sounds like you didn't take time to explore this side of yourself before you entered into a relationship based on such. Not necessarily as wrong thing, but it can cause problems, as you have seen.

quote:

Second i'm not really willing to have sessions because there is no sex and I m a really sexually oriented person.

Talk to your Master. If you are willing to trade your endurance of SM for sexual encounters after such, it might be a suitable trade. But, both of you will have to hold up your end of the bargain or the trading will go sour.

quote:

Third I m pretty much dominant by nature ( i've been told ).

Having a dominant personality has nothing to do with your enjoyment (or not) of SM from the top or bottom, in my opinion. But, if you're finding you like to Top, perhaps you should explore it, given an understanding from your partner.

quote:

I see that he is not happy with the way the relationship turn, He loves me but i refrain him from what he likes.

Not a very surrendering mindset, which I think is part of the problem. Perhaps you are feeling unfulfilled and so you are rebelling against pleasing him. A valid, human thing to do...but something that needs to be talked about. If this is true, you need to figure out why you're not fulfilled.

quote:

What can I do to put our sm sessions back on track knowing that i m not a tough pain addict?

Talk to him about the bargain mentioned above. Correct behavior gets a reward.

quote:

Must I try to find him a new Submissive?

This is a possibility. Talk to him about it.

quote:

Must I give a try to Other dom(me)?

If you don't like SM, why would you try to scene with someone else? While another person might have a different technique, you still have the issue of not enjoying pain.

quote:

If you were at his place wich actions would you like me to do to put things straight?

Talk to you and try to get to the bottom of why you are resistant. Then, modify my behavior is such a way that it modifies yours.

quote:

If you were me what would be your reactions?

Can't say.

quote:

Do you think this relationship is about to sink?

Doesn't matter what I think, although I see a possible lack of self awarenes or knowledge and a definate lack of communication.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Chloelicious)

Post #: 6

RE: Need advices please. - 3/30/2007 7:12:31 AM

Chloelicious

Posts: 1078
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: belgium, Brussels, Forest
Status: offline

MstrStoney,

Thank you for your opinion. Hope you find real quick what you are searching for.

Chloé

_____________________________

If the Evil spirit arm the Tiger with Claws, Brahman provided wings for the Dove...... Guns and roses

If global warming continue, we will have SOLAR bears !!!
( unknown)

If love is blind......I guess I will buy myself a cane (guns and roses

(in reply to MstrStoney)

Post #: 7

RE: Need advices please. - 3/30/2007 7:29:14 AM

Chloelicious

Posts: 1078
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: belgium, Brussels, Forest
Status: offline

LA

quote: which means for awhile everyone was having a great time-

He was having a great time and I was having some pleasure but His way of playing is not mine, I need to say that he was a beginner too when we met, he was dreaming about finding a submissive but never had one.

quote: or someone was trying but not really having a good time and got tired of trying?

I was not really looking for something (i was a kind of virgin) I just wanted to expand my horizons and I ve always liked sex rougher then a regular vanilla relationship( cuffs, spanking, hair pulling,pinching nipples) but not the way he does it (He would like whipping, hoods, masks, cages etc)

for exemple when He start spanking me, he is not going gradually he goes from nothing to redness in a second, he does not feel his force. Also we have a "vanilla" kind of relationship and one day, he wants to have a session.

What exactly happened to make it go from once a week to hardly ever?

I m tired of seing him having a erection when reading Bdsm story but nothing when he play with me.
Feeling him masturbating in bed but unable to "take" me when he is hard because everything go down when he is penetrating me.

I think that if we had a regular sex life in vanilla life and nothing in session it wold be ok but nothing at all, it is frustrating.

Hope those few information will help you to understnad and to give me your point of view.

Chloé

_____________________________

If the Evil spirit arm the Tiger with Claws, Brahman provided wings for the Dove...... Guns and roses

If global warming continue, we will have SOLAR bears !!!
( unknown)

If love is blind......I guess I will buy myself a cane (guns and roses

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: Need advices please. - 3/30/2007 7:33:22 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

It sounds more like a sex incompatibility and frustration issue than anything. I'd go with MasterFireMaams advice and possibly seek counseling with a sex therapist.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Chloelicious)

Post #: 9

RE: Need advices please. - 3/30/2007 7:36:13 AM

Chloelicious

Posts: 1078
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: belgium, Brussels, Forest
Status: offline

CelticPrince

chloe,

I agree with the points that onestandingstill put out there.

The relationship has to work on both sides of the slash, and the longer it exists the greater the danger that is will disolve under the present circumstances.

Ever consider that your just not feeling submissive to Him aan he senses it?
I dont think so , I try really hard to please him and by the way the dominant part of me is the other who sees it, I'm shy and "Inobtrusive"

is the non scene sex adequate? right now your relationship is not working as a D/s or S/M and I believe that you both have to work to fix it or both move on so your D/s life opportunities do not go wasted.

As I answer in LA post, I like rough things but im not really submissive in the way People here are so I dont really have
D/s opportunities.
Toward him , I m affraid to waste HIS possibilities but he know that if it is no love (romance) involved I dont have problem with him having another plaything.

Thats maybe why i would like to switch, It maybe a role that fits me better.

Best regard
Chloé

_____________________________

If the Evil spirit arm the Tiger with Claws, Brahman provided wings for the Dove...... Guns and roses

If global warming continue, we will have SOLAR bears !!!
( unknown)

If love is blind......I guess I will buy myself a cane (guns and roses

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 10

RE: Need advices please. - 3/30/2007 7:38:54 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

It sounds more like a sex incompatibility and frustration issue than anything. I'd go with MasterFireMaams advice and possibly seek counseling with a sex therapist.

I'll third this suggestion.

Sometimes an objective and trained ear/eye/mind can help us figure out what is best for each of us and as a family when we are clearly filtering things through years and emotions.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 11

RE: Need advices please. - 3/30/2007 7:45:37 AM

Chloelicious

Posts: 1078
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: belgium, Brussels, Forest
Status: offline

You are both right it could be but it is another problem.

We have already seen a therapist (just once i must confess)when we explain the situation to her she send him to a urologist who found some reasons for his impotancy, all he had to do was going through surgery (to remove foreskin) but it s been 2 years and nothing happends.

He is not willing to correct the situation even if He see that i'm going slightly mad. It's frustrating.

_____________________________

If the Evil spirit arm the Tiger with Claws, Brahman provided wings for the Dove...... Guns and roses

If global warming continue, we will have SOLAR bears !!!
( unknown)

If love is blind......I guess I will buy myself a cane (guns and roses

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 12

RE: Need advices please. - 3/30/2007 7:54:14 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Chloelicious

Dear kinky lifestylers,

My dom and I are living together since 4 years and it has been 5 years since our first BDSM experience.
At the beginning of our relationship, we played once a week then we played just at private parties and Clubs. Now we do not play anymore.

What are the reasons?
First I entered sm without really knowing what it was.

What is it to you?

quote:

Second i'm not really willing to have sessions because there is no sex and I m a really sexually oriented person.

Actually, all of our scenes and sessions involve sex because we are both sexually oriented people.

quote:

Third I m pretty much dominant by nature ( i've been told ).

That could be the source of the problem. Could be.

quote:

I see that he is not happy with the way the relationship turn, He loves me but i refrain him from what he likes.

My questions are: Considering that i really love him

What can I do to put our sm sessions back on track knowing that i m not a tough pain addict?

Is he a sadist? Not all scenes involve pain. There are many different ways to play.

quote:

Must I try to find him a new Submissive?

You certainly don't have to but if you decide to leave it would probably be convienent for him.

quote:

Must I give a try to Other dom(me)?

You don't have to do anything. I don't see why you would have to try submitting to someone else, athough I might recamend having a session or two with a highly respected and experienced dominant. There are things I would never have believed I would enjoy until I allowed a very particular and very experienced man have control of me for an afternoon.

quote:

If you were at his place wich actions would you like me to do to put things straight?

Give it a few more honest tries but don't lie to me about it. If you couldn't I would decide if you were worth living without BDSM for. No offense, but it's kinda like asking me to live without sex and for the most part, I'm not willing to do it. I have no idea how important it is to yours though.

quote:

If you were me what would be your reactions?

*Grins* If I were you, your dominant wouldn't have this problem. I can't live without this stuff.

quote:

Do you think this relationship is about to sink?

Perhaps. Perhaps not. It depends on what can be worked out between you. I'm surprised that none of your sessions have involved sex. While the lifestyle is not about sex, sex is fun, sessions are fun and it's a lt of fun to combine them.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Chloelicious)

Post #: 13

RE: Need advices please. - 3/30/2007 8:04:27 AM

Chloelicious

Posts: 1078
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: belgium, Brussels, Forest
Status: offline

AS

Thank you for your comment. Our regular life does not involve sex either as written in another post, he is impotant.
This explain that

What is it to you?
I did not know when i met him i was just looking and chatting in BDSM related forums to learn about it. As i like rough sex (when i had other partners) I thought it could be a kind of S/m D/s thing.
Maybe i should have done research with the help of a pro dom but I did not know any of them then and even now.

< Message edited by Chloelicious -- 3/30/2007 8:08:33 AM >

_____________________________

If the Evil spirit arm the Tiger with Claws, Brahman provided wings for the Dove...... Guns and roses

If global warming continue, we will have SOLAR bears !!!
( unknown)

If love is blind......I guess I will buy myself a cane (guns and roses

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 14

RE: Need advices please. - 3/30/2007 8:28:59 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Chloelicious

AS

Thank you for your comment. Our regular life does not involve sex either as written in another post, he is impotant.
This explain that

What is it to you?
I did not know when i met him i was just looking and chatting in BDSM related forums to learn about it. As i like rough sex (when i had other partners) I thought it could be a kind of S/m D/s thing.
Maybe i should have done research with the help of a pro dom but I did not know any of them then and even now.

If he is getting erections from reading BDSM stuff or is able to have vanilla sex (which I think you said he could), I don't think I'd call that impotant. However, if he truly is impotant then either he needs to do something about it or you need to decide if you can live without sex at all. Impotance has nothing to do with BDSM after all.

So are you saying you like kinky sex but not lifestyle? There are people of people who don't do the lifestyle. It sounds to me like you two just have different sexual fetishes. Sex therapy is highly advisable. That and getting him to a doctor.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Chloelicious)

Post #: 15

RE: Need advices please. - 3/30/2007 8:30:17 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Chloelicious

You are both right it could be but it is another problem.

We have already seen a therapist (just once i must confess)when we explain the situation to her she send him to a urologist who found some reasons for his impotancy, all he had to do was going through surgery (to remove foreskin) but it s been 2 years and nothing happends.

He is not willing to correct the situation even if He see that i'm going slightly mad. It's frustrating.

Unwillingness to work on a problem together AND separately indicates a very serious problem in a relationship, in my opnion, regardless of if it is vanilla or Ds or anything else.

Have you considered just you going to get some assistance in figuring out what is the best thing for you to do? It would take some time but it might help you and I'm certain it would help more than just "talking" with a website full of strangers.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Chloelicious)

Post #: 16

RE: Need advices please. - 3/30/2007 8:44:08 AM

Chloelicious

Posts: 1078
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: belgium, Brussels, Forest
Status: offline

AS

So are you saying you like kinky sex but not lifestyle?

I like some part of the lifestyle but not everything. I dont feel like i could surrender to someone forever/long period. I take my own decisions in life, I dont like to be supported financially by someone. I dont like heavy pain neither humiliations. I m not into abuse in any way I just like some 'spice in my sex pan'. I like fetish clothings, corsets, light breasts torture, etc.

I think He should first try the surgery suggestion and then if it is useless we could/should work that with a therapist.

_____________________________

If the Evil spirit arm the Tiger with Claws, Brahman provided wings for the Dove...... Guns and roses

If global warming continue, we will have SOLAR bears !!!
( unknown)

If love is blind......I guess I will buy myself a cane (guns and roses

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 17

RE: Need advices please. - 3/30/2007 8:46:39 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

See I'm the opposite, I'd say you should keep working with a good therapist, working with eachother onemotional issues, while considering the surgery and POSSIBLY eventually doing that.

I completely understand that having a nice hard cock shoved inside a pussy is a sensation and experience like no other- but if you can't get sexual satisfaction through any other method or combination of methods, then you're being as uncompromising and stubborn as he is.

You BOTH might be too "hung up" on this one issue to start to unravel the knot.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Chloelicious)

Post #: 18

RE: Need advices please. - 3/30/2007 8:46:59 AM

Chloelicious

Posts: 1078
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: belgium, Brussels, Forest
Status: offline

TammyJO

as you said in another post sometime it is nice/interesting to have someone else who is neutral advices.
That is why I asked to people their thoughts.
There are more in 2 heads then in 1.

_____________________________

If the Evil spirit arm the Tiger with Claws, Brahman provided wings for the Dove...... Guns and roses

If global warming continue, we will have SOLAR bears !!!
( unknown)

If love is blind......I guess I will buy myself a cane (guns and roses

(in reply to Chloelicious)

Post #: 19

RE: Need advices please. - 3/30/2007 8:55:55 AM

Chloelicious

Posts: 1078
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: belgium, Brussels, Forest
Status: offline

I have pleasure from fisting and things like that but I NEED more and real quick, i'm tired of waiting and losing my youth.
I do almost everything to please him beside D/s but when i ask him to do something for me i got the : "talk to the hand" answer. I have been patient/concerned /supportive for 4 years and what for?

In a vanilla way of seing things i also want to get pregnant and as far as I know it is hard to be with a dildo

It is hard to communicate with someone who can not tell you anything about why he dont want to have children. Someone whom you do not really know (he is so secret). When we saw this therapist he barely did not speak to her, maybe the reason why she send him to the urologist thinking it was more mechanical then intellectual.

Thank you for your comments and you infinite ways to bring new way to the debate..

_____________________________

If the Evil spirit arm the Tiger with Claws, Brahman provided wings for the Dove...... Guns and roses

If global warming continue, we will have SOLAR bears !!!
( unknown)

If love is blind......I guess I will buy myself a cane (guns and roses

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 20

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