RE: Need advices please.

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Need advices please.

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Need advices please.

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Need advices please. - 3/30/2007 9:22:17 AM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

Just from reading your responses...it sounds like the two of you are not working towards common goals. I might ask why you are trying to get pregnant with a man whose compatibility you are unsure of.

Maybe you should stick to the dildo until you guys figure out your comminication issue. Your priorities seem to be different, and that doesn't necessarily mean the end of the relationship but it would require compromises. On that note, compromises cannot be reached without open communication...

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to Chloelicious)

Profile

Post #: 21

RE: Need advices please. - 3/30/2007 9:23:18 AM

vield

Posts: 354
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

It is a fact that people who started of compatible may grow in different directions that may not all be compatible.
Everyone has their own definitions of what is or is not sexual, dominant, submissive, giving, caring, needed, or wanted to them.
At times partners can work these things out, at other times they can not.
If the partners are not getting serious needs met by their partners, eventually something will need to be done about this. Perhaps if one really needs things that are limits for the other, it may be necessary to bring other people into the relationship. If the other partners do not consent to this, the relationship becomes more and more unstable. If there is no consent to reach out, it is likely that this will begin to happen without consent.
There are a lot of reasons why one partner may need something the other can not give. A very simple example is that of sexual orientation. If a female partner of mine has a deep need to enjoy sexality with another female no amount of effort on my part is likely to fulfill that need. Even if she is a Domme and she dresses me up and does lesbian role play scenes with me, I still remain male and at leasst part of her need is not met. If I try to block this need of hers or to resist it, I weaken and damage the relationship. However if I encourage her to find herself a nice lady, everyone could be happy. LOL in fact if her new friends consent, life could get VERY sweet for me "in the middle", LOL.

_____________________________

As always, your mileage may vary!

vield

(in reply to Chloelicious)

Profile

Post #: 22

RE: Need advices please. - 3/30/2007 9:26:23 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

Chloe,
Hope I didn't skip anything important in skimming through the responses so far.

This is the cause of your problem.

quote:

First I entered sm without really knowing what it was.

There is nothing you can do about it now, but everything else is symptomatic of not knowing yourself, and not knowing the consequence of getting into a relationship based on a dynamic you didn't know.

quote:

Considering that i really love him

At the least, then you should be talking to him. Four years ago, what conversation took place that resulted in you agreeing to enter into the relationship? Have a similar one now with HIM regarding amending it or exiting it.

There may be some other dynamic occurring that you should consider. Physical play or physical sex, even in the most physical and sexual of relationships, still occupies a small percentage of your waking hours. Should your relationship include a mental D/s aspect 24/7 or part time, that increases the percentage, but even adding that interaction, you still have some percentage of your interaction unrelated to D/s. If you are "comfortable" during those times, it maybe that comfort that you are afraid to give up. As bad as this relationship may seem, is there a sense of fear that it will be difficult for you, or him, to find another. Guilt and/or comfort may be distracting you from a decision you know you should make. Four years of time is a long investment to give up.

quote:

I do almost everything to please him beside D/s but when i ask him to do something for me i got the : "talk to the hand" answer.

I'm sure you feel that your efforts should be considered and earn some reciprocity from him. However, if D/s is the only thing, or even a HIGH important thing to him; "almost everything" equates to nothing.
quote:

I m tired of seeing him having a erection when reading Bdsm story but nothing when he play with me.
Feeling him masturbating in bed but unable to "take" me when he is hard because everything go down when he is penetrating me.
If this is happening, there is little or no hope to expect it to change. You tried to be the woman in his BDSM story. You don't like it. BDSM, apparently is the core of his sexuality. It is not yours. You are incompatible sexually.

Start from there when you talk to him. The "solution" will come from that discussion. It can range from a total separation, to remaining friends, to both of you taking a dominant role seeking a submissive third, forth, or whatever. I wouldn't recommend jumping into anything until you put enough "work" into not making a similar error of not knowing yourself or your goals well enough.

Good luck!

(in reply to Chloelicious)

Profile

Post #: 23

RE: Need advices please. - 4/1/2007 1:49:24 AM

Chloelicious

Posts: 1078
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: belgium, Brussels, Forest
Status: offline

Kinky Lifestylers,

Thank you very much for your comments and advices. I decided to talk with HIM and we both agreed on doing efforts to communicate more. We also made an agreement on strating our D/s relationship from the start,one step at the time. Maybe will I soon give you good news.Thank you again.

chloé

_____________________________

If the Evil spirit arm the Tiger with Claws, Brahman provided wings for the Dove...... Guns and roses

If global warming continue, we will have SOLAR bears !!!
( unknown)

If love is blind......I guess I will buy myself a cane (guns and roses

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Profile

Post #: 24

RE: Need advices please. - 4/1/2007 2:42:26 AM

Amaros

Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline

First off, at the bottom of any relationship is - a relationship - bdsm is no different.

Second, I like your attitude and that you are remaining involved in the discussion you started.

Finally, it sounds to me like you may simply not be on the same page: differing expectations, whatever - time to reaffirm whatever it was that attracted you to each other in the first place, as Mssr. Stoney wisely suggests. Man - or woman - does not live by bread alone.

(in reply to Chloelicious)

Profile

Post #: 25