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Timeline - 3/30/2007 6:54:23 PM

boundkitty

Posts: 62
Joined: 10/30/2006
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I am trusting, too trusting. I am under a Collar of Protection for this very reason. My question(s) to everyone: What do you consider a reasonable timeline from meeting someone on CM to meeting them RT if they are local? from there to "playing"? How do you know when someone is trustworthy? What tells you?

Thanks for your input!

boundkitty

Post #: 1

RE: Timeline - 3/30/2007 7:01:15 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

I don't have a timeline at all. A couple of e-mails and I'm ready to meet for coffee if you're local. Of course, if someone gives me the heebie jeebies then we would meet the first day after never. If I feel that they have something intelligent to say...why not say it over a caramel latte. I highly doubt I'm going to be abducted from the middle of a crowded coffee shop. Maybe that's risky, I dunno, but the messaging gets very old very quickly.

Aside from all of that...meet when you feel comfortable or at least comfortable enough to get over the nervousness. There's no set timeline and if there was one in the BDSM handbook that I never received...I would ignore it anyway.

Edited to add:

The playing part depends entirely on my Daddy...I'm on His timeline at that point.

< Message edited by spanklette -- 3/30/2007 7:03:22 PM >

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to boundkitty)

Post #: 2

RE: Timeline - 3/30/2007 7:19:39 PM

hawkwolf7

Posts: 85
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline

If they are local, get references.

I'm a big fan of references from other people who know the person, maybe even have seen them interact in a relationship or in a scene. If they come from someone you trust, then you are in a safe place. After that, trust your intuition.

HawkWolf

_____________________________

p.s. Everything I write is simply one person's opinion: mine. Feel free to take what is useful and blow off the rest.

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost.

(in reply to boundkitty)

Post #: 3

RE: Timeline - 3/30/2007 7:46:17 PM

OhBeMyMind

Posts: 845
Joined: 11/19/2004
From: Panama City, Florida
Status: offline

First off, I personally do not agree with, believe in, or see any use of a "collar of protection".....so with that out of the way.....
I agree with Spank and Hawk.
I would like to add, from personal experience and since I have an amazing sixth sense about things, gut instinct rarely (never say never) fails. So if ever something just doesn't feel right...trust yourself.
References are a huge plus as pointed out by Hawk....when I first met my Daddy, he provided references, we talked on the phone, and made a date to meet in a public place.
I do not feel there is a "timeline", it is what feels right for you....PERIOD! Perhaps give some thought to having a friend accompany you on a first meet, I have actually done that before.
There are several people I know r/t that require to meet within two weeks of the first contact, I do not agree with that, but it is their business.
I suspect you will get varied replies, but please keep in mind, one person's way does not mean it is the right way. Safe calls are always a good idea, and from my perspective, a MUST.
As far as moving from meeting to playing....use common sense.
Whether or not someone is trustworthy....what I was once told was....when you feel comfortable enough to leave your first born with that person then they are trustworthy (however the person who said that to me knows I am an over-protective mom).
Not sure I have been much help to you....my post is a smorgasbord.....take what you want from it.....hopefully you do not get indigestion.

Much luck to you.....I know it is not easy.....been there, done that, have the t-shirt.

_____________________________

~oh

~*~I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not~*~

~she'll tease you, she'll unease you, all the better just to please you~ K.C

~Well would you look at that! My give-a-damn just broke~

(in reply to boundkitty)

Post #: 4

RE: Timeline - 3/30/2007 8:12:45 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: boundkitty
I am trusting, too trusting. I am under a Collar of Protection for this very reason. My question(s) to everyone: What do you consider a reasonable timeline from meeting someone on CM to meeting them RT if they are local? from there to "playing"? How do you know when someone is trustworthy? What tells you?

Thanks for your input!
boundkitty

A week, certainly no more than a month to meet. To play? Depending on the circumstances, again no more than a month.

How do you know to trust these answer from me?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to boundkitty)

Post #: 5

RE: Timeline - 3/30/2007 8:33:29 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

I was thinking along the same lines....if you "need" a collar of protection because you are so trusting, and I'm guessing this is another way of saying you're a poor judge of character, then how do you know you can trust the one "protecting" you?

But, since you are probably on the young side, it's forgiveable....just learn to trust your feelings, your true gut feelings, not the feelings that you WANT to feel, but the feelings that you DO feel. If something makes you feel a little uncomfortable, hold back until you have a reason to feel comfortable. It's like how mother warned you not to take candy from strangers. Get to know people well before you even consider trusting them, and even then, hold some back until you know them REALLY well.

And get used to the idea right now that there are a LOT of people online (in real life too, but especially online) that should not be trusted! Just because someone talks nice to you does not mean they ARE nice.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 6

RE: Timeline - 3/30/2007 8:45:45 PM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: boundkitty

I am trusting, too trusting. I am under a Collar of Protection for this very reason.

boundkitty

What does your Protector say?

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to boundkitty)

Post #: 7

RE: Timeline - 3/30/2007 9:06:33 PM

Slavetrainer2007

Posts: 231
Joined: 12/2/2006
Status: offline

I am surprised by the short amount of time. People do realize a pyscho can be local as well as long distance. In fact, its more likely to find someone local willing to meet that could do harm to you. You would have to be truely nuts to travel across country or have someone travel across country to you when you can simply pluck them from the local population.

I never found references to be relevant to a relationship because:
1) it sounds like your applying for a job.
2) In most cases your getting references from people you dont know. so their is a trust issue with who is giving the reference.
3) If you need references for a relationship, it makes me question your abilities to make sound decisions as well as your ablity to trust.

Timeline wise:

Its really up to you, If the one you are meeting is overly pushy for it i would use alot of caution. I typically wont even consider meeting someone for at least the first 3 months even if local. It gives me time to feel them out.

Some pointers and im sure these have been talked about before:
1) make sure at least one DEPENDABLE person knows exactly where your going.
2) set up a be home or call time with that person ( you can even go as far as to use a "safeword" if you call to let them know this isnt a forced call.
3) meet in a public place.
4) public transportation is the ideal choice. just because one is friendly in the coffee shop dont mean you wont be stalked on the way home( if its local to you)
5) if you use your own vehicle try to park on a street or in a parking lot next to a street. DO NOT park in a parking garage. They are not well lit and usually ( even in the case of airports) dont have enough traffic to cause alarm.
6) get a copy of their entire license including a good view of the pic. Match the pic with live webcam ( have them do something on cam to verify that it is live and not recorded.... just in case) so you can verify the identity of the person you talking to is indeed the one on the license. (webcams are $20 at walmart if they cant afford $20 to take a relationship to RT then perhaps they arent the best choice) Send a copy to the person you are telling where your going.
7) looks up their proper name as a sex offender. I believe anyone that commits a sexual crime now has to register as a sex offender even a minor one
8) trust your instincts. if something tells you something isnt right it more than likely isnt.

as an afterthought:
another reason i wait 3 months or better is because it gives the person i plan on meeting some time to develop some trust.
A few years ago i met someone from the UK. She flew here and met me at the airport in which she rode home with me 90 minutes through the countryside in the dark down dark mostly uninhabited country roads( im a fan of shortcuts when it comes to driving) . she was neither nervous nor scared. and she was completely comfortable with me. But we had an online relationship in which we talked almost every day for 18 months and i OFFERED to ( and did) send her a copy of my drivers license and i told her to make sure her parents ( who she was living with at the time) knew where it was. This only further insured her that she would be safe in my care, hence we transfered our relationship from online to RT almost seemlessly.

So really its about how at ease a person makes you feel. If a person dont make you feel at ease with the thought of meeting them you either a) arent ready b) confident they are trustworthy at all.

< Message edited by Slavetrainer2007 -- 3/30/2007 9:08:51 PM >

_____________________________

Life is given, Everything else is earned.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: Timeline - 3/30/2007 9:21:18 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

I understand where you're coming from, but...do you know how many strangers I meet everyday who have the opportunity to do nefarious deeds to my person. I take my personal safety very seriously, but I'm not about to spend my quality time hunched over a computer screen.

I like to meet people. Sure there are psychos out there, in fact, I think there was one in line behind me at the grocery store. Unfortunately, I was unable to get him to cough up his ID.

Please understand that I'm not trying to make light of your points if you're meeting someone in a private locale, but geez...a coffee shop. In fact, the most horrible stories that I've heard have been people who have spent months over the internet sharing private information only to have it used against them later.

Generally speaking, I get a better feel for someone when I meet them in person. You get an opportunity to assess their body language and the way they articulate in a real life circumstance. It doesn't seem any more dangersous to me than stopping by my local bar after work and whining about my job to a complete stranger over a beer. It's just a different topic...

After a certain point, on the internet, there's nothing left to share but personal information.

< Message edited by spanklette -- 3/30/2007 9:22:20 PM >

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to Slavetrainer2007)

Post #: 9

RE: Timeline - 3/30/2007 9:49:19 PM

Slavetrainer2007

Posts: 231
Joined: 12/2/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: spanklette

I understand where you're coming from, but...do you know how many strangers I meet everyday who have the opportunity to do nefarious deeds to my person. I take my personal safety very seriously, but I'm not about to spend my quality time hunched over a computer screen.

I like to meet people. Sure there are psychos out there, in fact, I think there was one in line behind me at the grocery store. Unfortunately, I was unable to get him to cough up his ID.

Please understand that I'm not trying to make light of your points if you're meeting someone in a private locale, but geez...a coffee shop. In fact, the most horrible stories that I've heard have been people who have spent months over the internet sharing private information only to have it used against them later.

Generally speaking, I get a better feel for someone when I meet them in person. You get an opportunity to assess their body language and the way they articulate in a real life circumstance. It doesn't seem any more dangersous to me than stopping by my local bar after work and whining about my job to a complete stranger over a beer. It's just a different topic...

After a certain point, on the internet, there's nothing left to share but personal information.

I WAS standing behind you at the grocery store what are you trying to say?

you could compare this to everyday activities, but then again predators, serial "anything" etc typically dont take targets from the general ( different from local in reference to my last post) population. It is easier to pick a target online( better selection too) and then get them to meet you somewhere because:

1) if you are meeting someone from online you apparently established some sort of relationship with them.
2) If they are not a very nice person and are interested in meeting you, you fit the criteria for their target victim.
3)online allows them to remain anonymous until they are ready ( comfortable) with making a move.

whereas people you see on the street:
1)may not recognize you as a target. For instance they may target women who live alone and dont know from the street if you live alone or not
2)when bad people are out and about on the street 9.9 times out of 10 they are doing what everyone else is doing , their daily routines. work hang out at the bar, go to the gym, etc. not looking for targets.
3) showing interest in a target in public would bring attention to them. ( hence some of my pointers) even if they meet you in a public place they are more likely to wait until your not in a public place.
4) dont underestimate pyschos just because A) it hasnt happened to you, yet and B) because anyone could be a serial killer. rapiest or murderer and even in a recent case here near me a child kidnapper functioned completely normal around kids, even had a job at a pizza place i think and for two years had a kidnapped kid in his apartment.. NOT one of his neighbors ever suspected anything. he seemed completely normal.( for reference the childs name was shawn hornbeck(sp?)

your safe in public with the public but its a different story when its someone you met online and your meeting in public. you could very well be a target and not know it.

< Message edited by Slavetrainer2007 -- 3/30/2007 9:52:23 PM >

_____________________________

Life is given, Everything else is earned.

(in reply to spanklette)

Post #: 10

RE: Timeline - 3/30/2007 10:33:00 PM

Alloces

Posts: 35
Joined: 7/14/2004
Status: offline

hahahaahhaaaaa spanklette you ARE neferious

(in reply to Slavetrainer2007)

Post #: 11

RE: Timeline - 3/30/2007 10:34:43 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

Slavetrainer, I was pleased to find someone that thinks along the lines that I do, when it comes to meeting people.
I normally do not even consider meeting someone local for at least 2-3 months, for the very reasons you stated.
People have to act in manners that they are both fairly comfortable with, I have been able to "weed" out many
"sincere and dedicated" submissives {smirky smile} because they wanted to push and force meeting before I did.
Most of them are still on here looking, when all they had to do was give me a few more weeks.
LOL

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to Slavetrainer2007)

Post #: 12

RE: Timeline - 3/30/2007 10:42:07 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

Slavetrainer, many here are not going to "get" it. That is why so many people are able to work and
keep the bodies buried under the house, the nice guys that "molest" kidnap and rape children,
etc. or keep victims chained in their basements for years without consent.
People still do not believe it can be the nice, normal man next door, who is so "kind" with the great job.
It flies in the face of what we are taught, until something happens-
Almost all the major monsters around these days usually have great jobs, families, etc.
It is like one of my favorite songs, Where have all the flowers gone? When will they ever learn?
Many, never, but thanks for the explanation.
.....the point to my rambling at almost 2 a.m. while sipping wine is this--> better to err on the side of caution when
you are meeting a stranger {especially women}, you may be saving yourself from becoming a victim of something you might not be able
to recover from.

< Message edited by MzMia -- 3/30/2007 10:54:08 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to Slavetrainer2007)

Post #: 13

RE: Timeline - 3/30/2007 11:28:32 PM

rmanrr

Posts: 358
Joined: 7/25/2006
Status: offline

Greetings ...

Well Said! Words to live by...or if disregarded, possibly die by.

_____________________________

Be Well, Be Careful

Jarl Rmanrr

"the road untravelled is the loneliest." Me
Courage...the ability to overcome obstacles during the course.
"to be insane is to be original!"...Me

(in reply to Slavetrainer2007)

Post #: 14

RE: Timeline - 3/30/2007 11:41:37 PM

susie

Posts: 1699
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

When I was looking online I chatted to many people. There were 3 in particular that I had a good feeling about while chatting. 2 of those I met for coffee. 1 of them was nice but just not right. The second one I still chat to regularly but as he was married it was not the sort of relationship I was looking for. The 3rd I met within a week. We arranged to meet in a hotel halfway between us and even arranged to play on the first meeting. We have now been together for 3 years. If I had asked him for a reference before meeting he would not have been able to supply one. He does not go to munches or play in public and his previous submissive (his wife) died a couple of years before we met.

Of course I put into place a safe call (as did he). We met and had dinner first and chatted. There was something about his chats, and that of the other 2 people I met, that made them stand out from the others and made me want to meet them. Perhaps it is my advanced age that made it easier for me to "pick" the ones that I felt were the right ones to meet. Of course there are dangerous people out there but they are not confined to being online. If you are careful about putting the right safety measures in place before a meeting then I too would say meet for coffee somewhere public early on. You can chat to someone and talk to them on the phone for weeks and then meet and find that the "spark" is not there. Only meeting someone in real life will prove that.

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 15

RE: Timeline - 3/31/2007 5:33:49 AM

OhBeMyMind

Posts: 845
Joined: 11/19/2004
From: Panama City, Florida
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Slavetrainer2007

6) get a copy of their entire license including a good view of the pic. Match the pic with live webcam ( have them do something on cam to verify that it is live and not recorded.... just in case) so you can verify the identity of the person you talking to is indeed the one on the license. (webcams are $20 at walmart if they cant afford $20 to take a relationship to RT then perhaps they arent the best choice) Send a copy to the person you are telling where your going.

I have asked for a copy of the driver's license, did the whole webcam deal.....and wanted to add that in my opinion while I feel this is a very good idea one should remember that the other person can easily ask this of you as well. Are you prepared to give a potential dominant a copy of your license? If so, hell you might as well send them mapquest directions to your home and save them the trouble.
Many times the other person (especially in this day and age) wants to be just as safe as well....and they should be. While the majority of predators are male, they are not all male. Dominants (male or female) aren't the only ones who can be a potential danger.... submissives can be as well. ~Boiled bunny anyone?~

_____________________________

~oh

~*~I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not~*~

~she'll tease you, she'll unease you, all the better just to please you~ K.C

~Well would you look at that! My give-a-damn just broke~

(in reply to Slavetrainer2007)

Post #: 16

RE: Timeline - 3/31/2007 6:01:35 AM

FLFunTop

Posts: 33
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

I was surprised that meeting at a local group was not mentioned. I think that since both parties are know to a 3rd. It is in a public setting. Most of the time if they are not truely kink oriented then they will freak at the sight of their first flogging or other activity.

(in reply to OhBeMyMind)

Post #: 17

RE: Timeline - 3/31/2007 6:33:58 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

i use my intiution ..no hard or fast rules here...

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to FLFunTop)

Post #: 18

RE: Timeline - 3/31/2007 6:52:34 AM

Squeakers

Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline

   For me, the only difference would be planning.    Meeting someone locally would require less money and less planning.    Because of this the meeting might come a little sooner than that of a long distance meeting simply because locally we could meet for coffee and plan something for the next day or the next week if there was chemistry.
  I would still take roughly about the same amount of time getting to know a person prior to even discussing a meeting.    Just because someone lives a half hour away, isn't going cause me to trust him more than someone 17 hours away.
I am in a small town where everyone kinda knows everyone.   Chances are someone I know would know that person or I could use my judgement depending on where he lived.    Does he live in a high crime area, is he living on a drug street, who does he associate with?    Living in a small town, has it's perks when meeting online.   A friend and I once searched yahoo personals for our area for the fun of it.   90% of those who posted pictures we knew and many of them were less than honest.   The two of us were making comments like, "He's not single!"   "He's unemployed."  "He's not 30 something--he graduated in 1976."
    The point is local is not going to automatically mean a person deserves complete trust.    It does make it easier to find out about a person, and it make take a little less time to find things out if they are especially close, but I would still take time to feel out a person prior to a meeting.

(in reply to boundkitty)

Post #: 19

RE: Timeline - 3/31/2007 7:09:50 AM

Squeakers

Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

even in a recent case here near me a child kidnapper functioned completely normal around kids, even had a job at a pizza place i think and for two years had a kidnapped kid in his apartment.. NOT one of his neighbors ever suspected anything. he seemed completely normal.( for reference the childs name was shawn hornbeck(sp?)

Just curious, your profile says IL and the case you refer to happened in MO. I was there, in MO, when both children he kidnapped were discovered.

(in reply to Slavetrainer2007)

Post #: 20

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