RE: Timeline (Full Version)

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Slavetrainer2007 -> RE: Timeline (3/31/2007 7:14:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OhBeMyMind

quote:

ORIGINAL: Slavetrainer2007

6) get a copy of  their entire license including a good view of the pic. Match the pic with  live webcam ( have them do something on cam to verify that it is live and not recorded.... just in case) so you can verify the identity of   the person you talking to is indeed the one on the license. (webcams are $20 at walmart if they cant afford $20 to take a relationship to RT then perhaps they arent the best choice)  Send a copy to the person  you are telling where your going.


I have asked for a copy of the driver's license, did the whole webcam deal.....and wanted to add that in my opinion while I feel this is a very good idea one should remember that the other person can easily ask this of you as well.  Are you prepared to give a potential dominant a copy of your license?  If so, hell you might as well send them mapquest directions to your home and save them the trouble.
Many times the other person (especially in this day and age) wants to be just as safe as well....and they should be.  While the majority of predators are male, they are not all male.    Dominants (male or female) aren't the only ones who can be a potential danger.... submissives can be as well.  ~Boiled bunny anyone?~






Being a male and a dom  i wouldnt ask a female for her drivers license. i would have her verify she is actually female though( phone or cam). i dont really see women as a potential threat to my safety. 
Im actually more concerned they DONT see me as threat. Im usually worried about making them feel comfortable  and at ease.




SweetDommes -> RE: Timeline (3/31/2007 7:20:45 AM)

We vary the timeline by how we feel about the person in question.

However, regarding references - we have none.  We are not particularly active in the local scene because of issues that we have had with the view in this area of younger Dommes.  We rarely, if ever, go to munches, we do not go to play parties (they don't interest us) ... so for those who insist on references, would you say that we are not to be trusted?  What could we do to not be dismissed out of hand for not having references ... not to mention that I know plenty of people who have faked references (both for jobs and for lifestyle related purposes).




Slavetrainer2007 -> RE: Timeline (3/31/2007 7:36:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: FLFunTop

I was surprised that meeting at a local group was not mentioned.  I think that since both parties are know to a 3rd.  It is in a public setting. Most of the time if they are not truely kink oriented then they will freak at the sight of their first flogging or other activity.  


Not everyone is into the local group thing nor is it always practical. My nearest local groups are over an hour away and if i got the urge to go i would have to dedicate at least 2 hours to driving. I havent got enough of an urge to take 2 hours out of my day.

Only  small percentage, though with people on these boards its more common,  of people  that enjoy BDSM  go to local groups. To someone thats never been  it can be quite uneasy and nerve racking especially a newish submissive that hasnt spent long in this lifestyle  and dont know all the "kinks". Seeing someone get flogged on a "first date" would probably scare the holy hell  out of  most subs.

You want a setting  that both people feel comfortable  with. For instance i dont have coffeeshops here nor do i like coffee. So i usually suggest the local  Mc Donalds. I like  the Mc Donalds here because its semi private yet public.  It easy to get a table  3-4 tables away from someone else, so your conversation is  decently private. There is enough traffic in and out  and employees moving around to make you feel at ease but not enough to  make you feel uncomfortable about talking about most topics. I could go to  bit of a classier place like a steakhouse and or even a (vanilla) club but both are typically overly busy. And this is an important meeting and i dont want it to get sidetracked with waitresses/waiters   and noise where you have to talk in a normal voice.

Here i have to be cautious about what i say or do in public related to this lifestyle. I live in the country with farmers and hicks. and they tend not accept such things very well at all.




MrDiscipline44 -> RE: Timeline (3/31/2007 8:00:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: boundkitty

What do you consider a reasonable timeline from meeting someone on CM to meeting them RT if they are local?
No less than one week. No more then one month.
quote:

from there to "playing"?
No less than one month with frequent meets.
quote:

How do you know when someone is trustworthy?
I trust someone until they show me that they no longer are trust worthy. These "lifestyles" that we partake in are no different then anyothers. There are people we can trust and people that we can't. Use the same sense you would in finding a man to date as you would in find a Dom to beat your ass.




HalloweenWhite -> RE: Timeline (3/31/2007 8:14:25 AM)

In terms of when you first meet, its upto Y/you both; when if feels right, same with playing, you have to decide for Y/yourselves.

Good luck.




ScreamerGirl -> RE: Timeline (3/31/2007 8:41:58 AM)

Boy I'm get a rep for being a meanie here but...

If you need a collar of protection, chances are you aren't ready for this lifetyle.  If you are 'too trusting' chances are in all parts of your life you are a statistic waiting to happen.  Why not work on those areas of your life first and develop the skill set necessary to trust your intuition and use common sense wisely?

I have never understood the whole Collar of Protection (dun dun dun!) thing.  You have to be willing and able to take care of yourself before your submission to anyone means anything - to you included.  Why would a man want a female submissive that trusts everyone immediately?  He wouldn't feel remotely special about you giving him your trust.  Believe it or not, there are many dominants in this lifestyle that get off on *that aspect of this.  They want to be the ONE you TRUST. 

Okay, got that out of my system.

As far as timelines go, I don't have one.  I get to know someone in a combination of email and messengers and phone calls before I even think about meeting them.  I want to know what I'm getting into, and I want them to know, too.  It happens when both people agree it's time for it to happen.




MiladyElaine -> RE: Timeline (3/31/2007 8:43:37 AM)

Common sense mixed with your gut feeling!




dawntreader -> RE: Timeline (3/31/2007 8:44:55 AM)

i agree with MrDiscipline 44 and others who have included intuition in their remarks as well as a safety protocol.
Really this is no different than vanilla dating in its initial safety requirements...but to wait 3 months for a local meet seems a little over the top to me...
 
just my opinion
         j




Bearlee -> RE: Timeline (3/31/2007 8:58:55 AM)

FastReply:

Oh geezeeeeeee…has the internet sucked common sense out of all of us?  In the ‘old days’ people met at church, or the park, or through mutual friends.  We’re too spread out and busy to manage that any more.
 
But we are NOT too busy to use our common sense, are we?  So…peruse a profile, exchange a couple notes and share common interests…then MEET.
 
Do not give real last names, do not give your address or telephone number (there ARE reverse directories, doncha know), do not tell where you work; but meet!  And, when you leave…leave during the daylight, do not walk ‘directly’ to your vehicle…and have your ‘safecalls’ in place if you need to; but MEET!!!
 
Meet in a VERY public place, have a soda or lunch; get to know one another!  It seems too sad to waste three months (!!!) in the ethers before you go real time.  What happens if there is no chemistry whatsoever?  Who has time for THAT?
 
Just my opinion,
bearlee




LadyIce -> RE: Timeline (3/31/2007 9:11:57 AM)

I say do what you feel comfortable doing, many people are not comfortable running out and
meeting total strangers, period.
If they are not comfortable doing it, for whatever reasons, they can take whatever cautions they feel
are necessary.
Do what you want and feel comfortable with, any one that does not want to do things my way, always
has the option to hit the road.




darkinshadows -> RE: Timeline (3/31/2007 9:15:03 AM)

You are asking a question that no one can really answer but yourself.  And if you cannot trust yourself, and have to ask strangers that question, then you shouldn't be meeting anyone yet.
 
I have meet people after a week, I have met them after months.  I have never played at all with some of the people I have met, and I have played on the same day as meeting.  It just depends how and who you feel comfortable with and be responsible for yourself.
 
Peace and Rapture




dawntreader -> RE: Timeline (3/31/2007 9:17:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bearlee

Meet in a VERY public place, have a soda or lunch; get to know one another!  It seems too sad to waste three months (!!!) in the ethers before you go real time.  What happens if there is no chemistry whatsoever?  Who has time for THAT?
 
Just my opinion,
bearlee



i agree!




spanklette -> RE: Timeline (3/31/2007 10:55:23 AM)

Okay, ya got me...I'm nefarious in deed and thought.[:D] 
 
To SlaveTrainer:
 
I understand where you're coming from. I've seen with my own eyes the horrors of meeting someone who's intentions were not kind. That won't keep me hiding under a rock.
 
Kink or no, we accept dangers in our lives everyday. You put your life in your hands everytime you get behind the wheel of your car. You trust that the other drivers are safe, but I think they sell Driver's licenses at Wal-Mart, of course, that's just me.
 
Street smarts go a long way in protecting one's person and so does instinct. If you can't trust either of those things in yourself then you have no business meeting a stranger from the internet. This is my opinion, of course and you are welcome to yours.
 
 




MadRabbit -> RE: Timeline (3/31/2007 11:41:34 AM)

Sorry, gonna offend some people, but some of this is just a bunch of crap. Some people need to pull their heads out of their own asses and think realistically. I'm not talking about privacy in the scene here, but rather the notion of predators.

Flip open your newspaper to the local Shared Rental section of your newspaper. How many people post personal phone numbers in their adds? All of them! What are they? Frigging nuts? Posting their personal numbers on a public information source?

Flip over to Rent.com. How many people post phone numbers on the adds there? Very few.

Compare the personal advertisements in a newspaper or magazine to personal advertisements on Collarme.com. All the ones in a newspaper or magazine have phone numbers but none on Collarme.com will.

How come? What makes posting a personal phone number in the newspaper so much safer than posting one on the Internet? How come I was so hesitant to put my own number on Rent.com in my rental add when I had no problem posting my cell phone number in the local newspaper?

You know how many women I have had walk into my house without a safe call after answering my add in the newspaper for a roommate?

I doubt the number of women who are picked up, drunk at a bar and date raped BEFORE the Internet came around is drastically different from the number of women who are date raped off the Internet. Men have simply found a new way to meet women for sex...this one, however, doesn't require buying a drink. The Internet is the new pub! The difference is the old pub wasn't filled with signs on every wall convincing you that every single person in the entire world is a psycho axe murder. No one needed to. It was already a widely known fact that men simply want sex. The Internet has provided an even better way for men to get sex without calling the next day and everyone is surprised when they use it.

Yes, these people do exist. Yes, there is bad people in this world. But we are conditioned on a regular basis by American society and media to think that everyone in this country is a gun toting homicidal psycho with a collection of chopped off human heads.

If the percentage of "bad shit" compared to the percentage of "good shit" on the news was the same as the percentages of "bad shit" and "good shit" in the actual real world, the entire world would be in total chaos and anarchy! But its not. In fact, most people go their entire lives without being witness to more than a small handful of crimes. A small handful compared to the monstrous number of healthy and safe interactions between the majority of us who are simply decent people.

"Bad shit" makes people watch television. Nobody wants to hear about all the 3000 safe and happy encounters with people. They want to hear about that one psycho who didn't get held enough as a child so he decided to collect women's feet.

The Internet gets the worst press of all. What better way to continue to inspire paranoia and fear in the American people then focusing on the one communication tool that is strictly anonymous and has the most uncertainty surrounding its participants. Ignore all the 5000 normal and healthy interactions between adults that occur on a daily basis off the Net. Focus on the handful of psycho child molesters sending cock shots to fifteen year olds. Next thing you know...everyone's lost to complete Internet paranoia.

The Internet paranoia is so bad that we're afraid to post phone numbers on rent.com but have zero problems posting one in a local newspaper.

Yeah...there is normal and nice guys who work great jobs who are really psychopaths who molest children. So what are we going to do? Live in paranoia and fear that every normal and nice guy you meet is a closest axe murder? If you start doing that, then your pretty fucked.

It boils down to two things for me :

1. Simple common sense. Meet people in a public place. Use a safe call if the person is completely anonymous to you. Dint rush over to his house and throw off your clothes while lost in your "sub frenzy." Hell, if you really are concerned about safety, focus more on a local BDSM community for meeting mates then the Net. Thats my first piece of advice to any newbie who asks for some.

2. Trust your intuition. This is really where it's at, because its...all...we...really...have.

All this paranoia and safety preaching has got everyone so screwed up into thinking they cant trust anyone anymore and cant trust themselves.

As much as we like to think we can take all these precautions and be completely safe, its just not realistic. Anytime you meet and interact with any stranger, your taking on some degree of risk that this person isn't going to fuck you over. Since we cant lock ourselves away in a bunker, armed to the teeth and secluded from all human contact, we have to meet strangers and expose ourselves to this risk to lead prosperous and thriving lives.

If you don't learn to trust your gut feelings, then regardless of all the illusionary safety precautions you take with people, at some point, your gonna get in the ass really hard.

When I think back on all the strangers I have met in public places and taken off with for a night of fun or gone over to their houses for dinner alone after a simple one time meeting (Sometimes even sex! Oh no!), I must be a pretty unsafe and crazy person. I must be on a straight narrow path to being chopped up and in a barrel. Or maybe I have learned to trust my own gut and my judgements of people.





MzMia -> RE: Timeline (3/31/2007 1:31:00 PM)

MadRabbit you are entitled to your opinion as everyone here is.  Sometimes you have to look at where people
live.  I live in an urban area with a fairly high crime rate, so maybe I am more paranoid than someone living in
the middle of nowheresville.
Also, women are normally the ones that are victimized in these situations, not men.
People need to act in the manner that is comfortable for them.
It is always better for me to err on the side of caution, especially if it keeps me from being on the 6:00 news.[;)]
Also I am not sure if you have children, especially a daughter, but when you have a daughter and other young
women you care about in your life, you might give different advice.[:D]




SweetDommes -> RE: Timeline (3/31/2007 1:34:04 PM)

Honestly, I'm just as concerned being out in the middle of nowhere - once the corn grows up no one could hear or see anything going on ... which could be fun, but also has the potential to be very very bad.




domiguy -> RE: Timeline (3/31/2007 1:35:29 PM)

If you are incapable of using your own good judgement...This aint the place for you....I've been told that some very nice people get together inside  these big buildings every Sunday morning.  I've also heard that some of these people are trustworthy.




MzMia -> RE: Timeline (3/31/2007 1:36:53 PM)

LOL that is true MissHolly, they have an all day serial murder special on t.v. and most of these killers live
in nowheresville.  I watch to many of these damn crime shows.[sm=hewah.gif]




MadRabbit -> RE: Timeline (3/31/2007 2:49:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

MadRabbit you are entitled to your opinion as everyone here is.  Sometimes you have to look at where people
live.  I live in an urban area with a fairly high crime rate, so maybe I am more paranoid than someone living in
the middle of nowheresville.
Also, women are normally the ones that are victimized in these situations, not men.
People need to act in the manner that is comfortable for them.
It is always better for me to err on the side of caution, especially if it keeps me from being on the 6:00 news.[;)]
Also I am not sure if you have children, especially a daughter, but when you have a daughter and other young
women you care about in your life, you might give different advice.[:D]


I have young women I care for in my life and I have been witness to some pretty shitty things happening to female friends of mine. Some women in this thread have stated opinions similar to mine.

I was afraid my opinion would be misinerrupted a bit. I am not saying dont air on the side of caution. I am saying REALISTICALLY air on the side of caution.

On a personal note, when I lived in a not so nice part of Memphis, I was mugged and had my car broken into. I took precautions, but inevitably it was a roll of the dice as to whether it would happen again or not (unless I chose to never venture out of my apartment again).







dawntreader -> RE: Timeline (3/31/2007 3:05:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

Honestly, I'm just as concerned being out in the middle of nowhere - once the corn grows up no one could hear or see anything going on ... which could be fun, but also has the potential to be very very bad.


i agree! i read the book "Children of the Corn" and there are alot  scarier places than a public coffee shoppe!LOL!




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