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Value of Self - 4/1/2007 9:12:28 AM

kyraofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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I have been thinking about starting this thread for about a week or so after I made a post in the poly section about my value within the relationship.

For a long time it was hard for me to separate my value of self from the things that I can do. I linked those two together and if I was no longer able to do them, then my value dropped. I have learned to start associating my value with things that are constants in my life and as such have been able to accept my value to him and our relationship. I am not valuable because I am a slave or because I obey. I am valuable to him because of who I am and not what I do.

Here is part of the post that I made:

quote:

I think it can be a slippery slope when we start equating our value with what we do. What happens to our value when we are no longer able to do those things? Associate your value with things that are unchangeable. For me, my devotion and honesty make me valuable; these things are not likely to change over the course of my life.

I am curious to hear other people’s opinions on how they feel valuable. Where does your value of self and your value in your relationships come from? If you equate your value with what you do, do you lose value when you are no longer able to do those things?

Knight’s kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

Post #: 1

RE: Value of Self - 4/1/2007 9:30:15 AM

spanklette

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What a wonderful question!

Sometimes, I tend to link my self value to my value to Him, but I've started to move away from that. There is a private reason for that, we're still close, however, I am who I am with or without Him.

I've had to start re-evaluating what makes me, me. I value my ability to be independant, but my willingness to serve. I value the grace that pain has taught me...I'm sure to become more graceful through the years. I value my ability to really "see" people. There are a myriad of others that I can't bring to mind right now, those were just off the top of my head.

All of those things combine to make me to form my self image and to "see" me. If I didn't value myself, I'm not sure anyone else would. And, because all of those things are sustainable regardless of physical attributes or ability or proximity to my Daddy...they create me. That's the me that is intrinsic and whole. That's the me can only be changed by myself. No one can touch those things no matter how close we get...even my Daddy.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 2

RE: Value of Self - 4/1/2007 9:40:14 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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Having the kind of personality I have and knowing that I often hold myself to a higher standard than I do others, if I valued myself on what I could and couldn't do, I'd focus so much on what I couldn't that I'd go insane. I don't think that we can totally seperate ourselves from this kind of thing, though. I'm really proud of my intelligence...and my dyslexia bothers me because I think it makes me seem less intelligent. But, I am not my intelligence. I like to think that I'd still be me even if I all of a sudden lost it. Might be a fantasy in my head, though.

But, intelligence isn't really what I "do". I know that I do feel different because I don't do what I see as the typical things a Fem Dom does. But, feeling different isn't the same as feeling inferior.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 3

RE: Value of Self - 4/1/2007 9:41:36 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

Where does your value of self and your value in your relationships come from? If you equate your value with what you do, do you lose value when you are no longer able to do those things?

I used to equate my value based upon external things. I do not do so anymore. It was pointed out to me that I was more patient with others, more forgiving of others, valued others more than I valued myself. I endeavored to change that before I became involved with anyone.

At times when I do not feel valued (I still have times when I do not feel as though the people I love value me) I do not internalize this anymore, I state it..."I do not feel valued when you do X, Y, or Z. This is why I feel this way". My Daddy encourages this even if it has upset him when I have articulated it, he still wants to know how I feel.

Being valued starts with insisting that I be valued... not just by my Daddy, but by my family, and yes, even my UM. I love me, and I value myself enough to make sure that those who I involve in my life see I am a human being that has intrinsic value. All people have intrinsic value, I am a person, therefore I have value too. I do not have to do anything but exist to be of value.

It was when I started to stand up for myself (I used to have trouble with that one, and when I was learning how to do so I used to go overboard) that I overcame my anxiety disorder. I am so grateful I was able to do so.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 4

RE: Value of Self - 4/1/2007 10:37:58 AM

Inhibitor

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It's not what I do or don't do, it's how and why I do what I do and don't what I don't, even when there are can'ts and impossibilities and ineptitudes involved. Value, at least in a relationship, isn't the same thing as the value of a dish that might have pretty glazing and a few chips here and there. It's not a threshold on a scale that moves up and down because of action or lack thereof.

It exists on a three-dimensional plane, and someone else's perception of it depends on where they're standing, and which way you tilt to them and show yourself.

My master told me right off the bat that in the plate sense, as described above, I had no value whatsoever. That was incredibly difficult to digest and understand, and I fought it pretty hard. I lost, but I won, and it's one of the most rewarding things I've done with my head thus far. :)

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 5

RE: Value of Self - 4/1/2007 10:50:16 AM

velvetears

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i think it's important that people see their own value of self outside of the external things they do. It's a painful experience to realize you were valued because you could do x, y or z for someone and when you no longer could or they didn't need x,y or z anymore you lost value to them. For me this is akin to feeling used.

You asked: Where does your value of self and your value in your relationships come from? If you equate your value with what you do, do you lose value when you are no longer able to do those things?

For myself i am trying to learn to just value who i am irregardless of what i can do (skills) or tasks etc for others. i have had a few substantial blows over the last several years which has done a number on my self esteem as a result, so contemplating my own value has been something i have engaged in a lot lately.

What julia said touched something deep inside my core and i think if you can experience this in your life you're a very lucky individual, she said : I do not have to do anything but exist to be of value.

How awsome that must feel :-)

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 6

RE: Value of Self - 4/1/2007 11:08:12 AM

Quivver

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Joined: 11/27/2004
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What a great question! And something I struggle with daily. I've always taken great pride in the things I can accomplish, yet often feel drained and unfed. To be perfectly frank lonely is a word that comes to mind. So often life reins us into a spot where it's only action that gets rewards, the trap of that is the mind set it creates. Finding inner peace with one's self can be a process when all we know is performance gets recognition.
God I know that must sound like I have no self esteem when actually I do. I have many good qualities yet they seem a waste when singular. Not that being in a relationship cures all, I'm sure it doesnt. That peace is found within. Yet when we value self in a singular sense we hear so often we are selfish, or worse yet assume it's selfish to put one's self first. Somewhat of a loosing battle at times. Geez, this is only sounding worse and worse! I guess the bottom line of what I'm trying to say is a value of self is paramount, yet as humans we are herd animals. With out the herd we have no point to judge the balance from.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to Inhibitor)

Post #: 7

RE: Value of Self - 4/1/2007 11:33:25 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Part of who I am IS what I can do- and what I can provide to others.

I simply must learn that I have value even if I can't do THOSE things I am used to doing and not wrap the whole of myself in the "doing."

I got scared when I first started my relationship with my partner because I formed such a dependency upon him. I literally could work myself into tears imagining what would happen if he died and realizing there really wouldn't be anything for me afterwards. (This is a common issue with those who have OCD btw). Always before I'd said someone who was so dependent upon another could not be healthy or strong.

But here it was ME, and surely I am healthy and strong in most respects? Yet here I was having those same feelings and issues.

I've simply come to terms with it. It's who I am now. It doesn't take away from myself and I can't control it any more than I can control the weather. It's not something I share lightly, or something I allow myself to consider very often- but it is there, and it is how I live my life now.

So my value is in my experience of myself. Any big change in that experience will cause me to have to reassess my sense of self and value, but there will always be an innate, intrinsic value as long as I continue to experience and stay true to myself.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Quivver)

Post #: 8

RE: Value of Self - 4/1/2007 11:39:55 AM

jauntyone

Posts: 543
Joined: 2/27/2007
From: Anchorage Alaska
Status: offline

Greetings

While I do not place ALL value on the 'who I am aspect', I admit that it does have a huge impact on my relationship. The fact that I am a slave, a soldier, a woman; they all increase the value that I place on myself. I would not try to seperate them though because they are all a part of me. To lose one part, decreases my value.

I wish you well

melissa

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 9

RE: Value of Self - 4/1/2007 12:06:19 PM

BeingChewsie

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Joined: 10/27/2005
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Hi kyra,

I'm going through this. My value for years has been something I could measure in dollars and cents, I was a work-horse, pretty easy to measure the value there. Now I'm being used differently, mostly do to my ongoing health issues and my kiddo's recent diagnosis. I personally see very little value in property that falls into the category of companion...if it isn't generating income I don't see how it is an asset...I'm going to learn but right now I'm just trying to adjust to it. I'm told I have value just by being *me*...but I find that hard to grasp..I can't put a $$$ figure on that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

I have been thinking about starting this thread for about a week or so after I made a post in the poly section about my value within the relationship.

For a long time it was hard for me to separate my value of self from the things that I can do. I linked those two together and if I was no longer able to do them, then my value dropped. I have learned to start associating my value with things that are constants in my life and as such have been able to accept my value to him and our relationship. I am not valuable because I am a slave or because I obey. I am valuable to him because of who I am and not what I do.

Here is part of the post that I made:

quote:

I think it can be a slippery slope when we start equating our value with what we do. What happens to our value when we are no longer able to do those things? Associate your value with things that are unchangeable. For me, my devotion and honesty make me valuable; these things are not likely to change over the course of my life.

I am curious to hear other people’s opinions on how they feel valuable. Where does your value of self and your value in your relationships come from? If you equate your value with what you do, do you lose value when you are no longer able to do those things?

Knight’s kyra

_____________________________

"In fact, it is my contention that most women are accepting of way less than optimal circumstance constantly, and are lucky to be 'snagged' by the right man, if ever. But it is more by happy accident than by their design. "
~Ron and Hup

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 10

RE: Value of Self - 4/1/2007 12:33:48 PM

kyraofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: spanklette

I am who I am with or without Him.

I had this realization several weeks ago. I realized that everything would be okay if I could not be a slave. It was such a peaceful moment when I reached that conclusion. In that moment, we actually became closer and the bond between us strengthened. I am me with or without him and in knowing that I was now free to give it all to him. I didn't have to guard and protect against the loss of myself because that self is not dependent on him.

That probably does not explain it very well... it was just very peaceful to know that I didn't have to fear the loss of who I am.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to spanklette)

Post #: 11

RE: Value of Self - 4/1/2007 12:39:43 PM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

It was such a peaceful moment when I reached that conclusion. In that moment, we actually became closer and the bond between us strengthened. I am me with or without him and in knowing that I was now free to give it all to him. I didn't have to guard and protect against the loss of myself because that self is not dependent on him.

Knight's kyra

Actually Jyra that makes perfect sense... It's something I came to terms with sometime ago even in lew of a Master.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 12

RE: Value of Self - 4/1/2007 12:40:32 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
That probably does not explain it very well... it was just very peaceful to know that I didn't have to fear the loss of who I am.

girl you explained very well from my point of view.

Appreciating and understanding you are you regardless of what relationship you are in will set you free to be you in any relationship that you are in. As such, only the relationships that enhance who you are and not inhibit who you are will be successful in the long-term.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 13

RE: Value of Self - 4/1/2007 12:46:42 PM

myobedience

Posts: 472
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
For a long time it was hard for me to separate my value of self from the things that I can do. I linked those two together and if I was no longer able to do them, then my value dropped. I have learned to start associating my value
I believe value of self comes from ones self esteem and beliefs about who and what they are a women/man; and it begins during our developmental years as a child.
with things that are constants in my life and as such have been able to accept my value to him and our relationship. I am not valuable because I am a slave or because I obey. I am valuable to him because of who I am and not what I do.
I believe that one cannot be of value to another until they find their value within themselves.

Here is part of the post that I made:

quote:

I think it can be a slippery slope when we start equating our value with what we do. What happens to our value when we are no longer able to do those things? Associate your value with things that are unchangeable. For me, my devotion and honesty make me valuable; these things are not likely to change over the course of my life.

I am curious to hear other people’s opinions on how they feel valuable.
I believe one knows they are of value to themselves and to others, to society in general.
If I would only evaluate my value to how I feel rather than what I know about myself, I would be an inconsistent person and probably suffer from a low self esteem.
Where does your value of self and your value in your relationships come from? If you equate your value with what you do, do you lose value when you are no longer able to do those things?
My value is NOT from things I do but from who I know I am.

Knight’s kyra

good question

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you is the only Man truly worthy of being called Master.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 14

RE: Value of Self - 4/1/2007 12:47:32 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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I posted this some time ago...

quote:

There has been a minority polarization of view that submissives are suppose to be weak and helpless. There are many people (Dominant and submissives alike) that promote this particular view. That somehow submissives need the Dominant to be complete etc etc etc. I think we all know the babble that is strung. At the same time there as been this minority polarization that Dominants are somehow all power full strong perfect species of humanity (maybe I am stretching that alittle *G*) however, it equally has been promoted by Dominants and submissives alike. These of course are Myths or bad fiction at the best. Unfortunately, just like some people believe the everything in the National Enquirer (sorry to break some of your bubbles on that one) , some will believe these myths and fictions.

As time goes on, people learn fact from fiction... but it is a slow process. Someday maybe everyone will understand we all have our own Power centre. That we all contribute that power to the dynamics of any relationship we choose to be a part of. Someday maybe everyone will see value in the core of themselves and not dependent on their use by someone else. I for onevalue the core character of my slaves and I take part of my enjoyment from their uses. But use is not value. If one places their value on their use... I feel they are doomed to reach a point of uselessness. For the body will sooner or later loose the flexiblity of use. While the character and virtures of a person can long our growth ones body. Our character and virtues can even transend beyond our death into the people that we have touched in during our lives.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 15

RE: Value of Self - 4/1/2007 12:51:43 PM

kyraofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

I'm really proud of my intelligence...and my dyslexia bothers me because I think it makes me seem less intelligent. But, I am not my intelligence. I like to think that I'd still be me even if I all of a sudden lost it. Might be a fantasy in my head, though.

I separated this out by intelligent is part of who I am and demonstrating intelligence is what I do. In certain stressful situations, I cannot recall the words I need to express myself. However, that does not take away from the fact that I am intelligent.

Whether I would still be me if I lost my intelligence... that is interesting to consider. I think I would be a different me. My value would not change but I would just be different.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 16

RE: Value of Self - 4/1/2007 1:03:00 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Being valued starts with insisting that I be valued... not just by my Daddy, but by my family, and yes, even my UM. I love me, and I value myself enough to make sure that those who I involve in my life see I am a human being that has intrinsic value. All people have intrinsic value, I am a person, therefore I have value too. I do not have to do anything but exist to be of value.

It was when I started to stand up for myself (I used to have trouble with that one, and when I was learning how to do so I used to go overboard) that I overcame my anxiety disorder. I am so grateful I was able to do so.

This reflects much of my own thinking. I believe that we teach people how to treat us. If people are treating me poorly then I first look to see what I am doing that gives them the impression they can treat me that way. Sometimes it is them and other times it is because I am not protecting my boundaries.

Protecting my boundaries is something that my Lord has brow beat into me. I have become much happier and more peaceful once I stopped allowing people to cross my boundaries. I don't allow people in my life who are not willing to respect the boundaries that I have set. I think learning to value myself is something that has helped me start protecting my boundaries. Protecting them is one way that I demonstrate how much I value who I am.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 17

RE: Value of Self - 4/1/2007 1:12:16 PM

DocTSH

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Joined: 2/22/2007
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Value is two fold in my opinion; It is what you think of yourself and what others do.

I love what I have experienced in my life and the lessons taught. I wouldn't be me otherwise. If you have no value of yourself, then chances are nobody else will either.

As for others, if I sense that they cannot find value in themselves, I want to try and help them ( no matter what little girl is saying right now, I believe that you can help someone value themselves ) to see if there is any chance they can see their own value. If they cannot, then my effort has been made, and they are destined to their own fate.

As for my little girl, she knows way down deep inside her boney little kool-aid pumping heart what her value is to me, and that is just for us...and maybe another to see that inner sanctum someday.

_____________________________

Doc

At times like these, I think of Socrates who said, " I drank what?" -Real Genius

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Post #: 18

RE: Value of Self - 4/1/2007 2:03:25 PM

SleeplessGypsy

Posts: 49
Joined: 6/26/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
I had this realization several weeks ago. I realized that everything would be okay if I could not be a slave. It was such a peaceful moment when I reached that conclusion. In that moment, we actually became closer and the bond between us strengthened. I am me with or without him and in knowing that I was now free to give it all to him. I didn't have to guard and protect against the loss of myself because that self is not dependent on him.

That probably does not explain it very well... it was just very peaceful to know that I didn't have to fear the loss of who I am.

Knight's kyra

Beautifully said Kyra... I feel that way too and it's such an awsome feeling..

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 19

RE: Value of Self - 4/1/2007 3:12:25 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
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I know my self value isn't determined by Master. In order to love and accept others you have to do the same to yourself. If I could not be a slave anymore I would not lose my self value. I am a person not a label. Master does make me feel valuable by loving me and accepting me but my value is not determined by my ability to be a slave.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

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Post #: 20

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