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Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 5:07:55 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Is there a difference between being controling and being a Dom? In the lifestyle a Dom/Domme is supposed to be controling. In vanilla a controling person is considered an asshole. Is there any difference between the two?
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RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 5:19:27 AM   
starshineowned


Posts: 1551
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline 		Greetings..~smiles~

I think it honestly is all a matter of perception to those involved. If the Owners controlling ways are not what is wanted/needed by the slave then it's not going to be taken well. Generally if thats happening then the Owner is not (in a overall mindset) thinking (to me) of the dynamic as a whole but solely of themselves, and in the end will have worn out and damaged property.

No matter what is transpiring within the dynamic..if both are not smiling and excited to be a part of it..it's going to lead to at minimum..failure..at worse case..others outside the situation might feel more inclined to poke their nose's into the situation.

Well Wishes
starshine
Happy slave of Master Delvin

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RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 5:21:33 AM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		I don't think so. Controlling is controlling. However I think, no matter whether the person is vanilla or kinky, finding a suitable partner that likes their style of control is probably what its all about.

I think what I would like to believe to be true in my fairy tale world is that controlling people in M/s D/s or  in vanilla relationships have a grip on themselves so they don't cause any real harm to their partner.

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RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 5:26:56 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		The main difference between being controlling and being Dominant is the mindset of you ad your partner.  A controlling person usually does not have their partners likes, dislikes and interests in mind when they try and control them. A Dominant person is with their submissive partner because they are looking for the same thing, a power exchanging relationship.  They both enter into it knowing what to expect.  In a more vanilla setting, one partner usually doesnt know the other is going to be controlling, and it is often not a welcome thing.
DV

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RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 5:38:20 AM   
myobedience


Posts: 472
Joined: 1/28/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

In a more vanilla setting, one partner usually doesnt know the other is going to be controlling, and it is often not a welcome thing.
DV


I agree with the posters before me.  I do want to expound on the "more vanilla setting."
As a woman, it is a bit touchy trying to explain my relationship with my family, esp my sisters who do know some about my partner choices.
I think it comes down to how it is explained in vanilla setting and then creating a vanilla setting between the Dom and sub which is practiced with both sides of the family.  (I think I said that correctly.)

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RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 5:41:18 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Is there a difference between being controling and being a Dom? In the lifestyle a Dom/Domme is supposed to be controling. In vanilla a controling person is considered an asshole. Is there any difference between the two?

I think the only difference is in the mindset of the people involved.

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RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 5:51:58 AM   
hereyesruponyou


Posts: 770
Joined: 1/22/2007
Status: offline 		I think there are Dom's that are controlling and those that are not. All may exert control over the relationship but the extent of that will be based more on their own personality and their needs as well as the needs of the sub. What might be considered controlling in certain D/s relationships might not even be thought as near enough to some vanilla people who need constant control. Setting rules, guidelines and limits are a way of controlling, but that does not mean you ahve to micromanage your sub/slaves thoughts/actions. That is just tiring.

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RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 5:57:23 AM   
yenlui


Posts: 51
Joined: 3/28/2007
Status: offline 		Of course there is a difference: the controling person will try to control everyone. The Dom will wait for someone to offer their submission.

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RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 6:22:27 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Good answer yenlui.

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RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 6:25:20 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: yenlui

Of course there is a difference: the controling person will try to control everyone. The Dom will wait for someone to offer their submission.

Now see, I disagree with this. There are those out there whose personality is to always be in charge, it has nothing to do with trying to control; only to manage.

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RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 6:40:22 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		I think the difference is that people who are controlling don't realize it and really self aware dominant with genuine experience recognizes that they are controlling and consciously and consensually channel that control into openly specified directions.

I know I still sometimes struggle with the difference between the two.

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RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 6:43:07 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		I like how you put it Michael

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RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 7:02:14 AM   
OhBeMyMind


Posts: 845
Joined: 11/19/2004
From: Panama City, Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I think the difference is that people who are controlling don't realize it and really self aware dominant with genuine experience recognizes that they are controlling and consciously and consensually channel that control into openly specified directions.

I know I still sometimes struggle with the difference between the two.


I agree with what SimplyMichael is saying.
IMO, Michael brought up being self aware, and I feel as though that is where the main difference lies. 
Then you have those that are self proclaimed controlling assholes who literally brag about it.  Which I guess would be a difference as well.....attitude, personality, demeanor, and how a person dom or not presents him/herself, because I have met a few asshole dominants as well.
YMMV

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RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 7:04:18 AM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		dnomyar,

i believe it takes a great deal more than the ability or desire to control to be a dominant, personally.

annabelle.


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RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 7:22:25 AM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		I think there's a difference between being controlling as a personality trait or characteristic and asserting control with a specific end in mind.  I avoid controlling people.  I respect people who know how to assert control over a person or situation in order to achieve certain results.  The former's more of a compulsion.  The latter's a skill. At its best, Dominance involves the latter.

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RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 7:22:50 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Ds isn't about control, it's about authority.  Slaves can be extreme control freaks- good doms utilize their authority to use that trait to their advantage.

There's also a large difference as to whether the control comes from a sense of security, or sense of insecurity.  The latter does not lead to a healthy stable dynamic.

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RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 7:24:13 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Is there a difference between being controling and being a Dom? In the lifestyle a Dom/Domme is supposed to be controling. In vanilla a controling person is considered an asshole. Is there any difference between the two?


The dominant types I admire are leaders, not bullies. They exude confidence, they do not need others to feel small to make them larger. They motivate the behavior they desire, they do not need to create fear to get compliance.



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RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 7:27:22 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I believe what you're talking about is the difference between being domineering or being dominant.

dom·i·neer·ing     
–adjective



inclined to rule arbitrarily or despotically; overbearing; tyrannical dom·i·nant      
–adjective



1.
ruling, governing, or controlling; having or exerting authority or influence: dominant in the chain of command.



2.
occupying or being in a commanding or elevated position.   Many so called Dom/mes aren't really dominant, they're domineering....and they don't understand the difference.

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RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 7:29:30 AM   
elisabet


Posts: 7
Joined: 12/7/2005
Status: offline 		Semantics- don't the words 'dominate' and 'control' mean nearly the same thing, dictionary-wise?  But anyway, I think the difference between a dominant (as we all know them) and a controlling asshole lie in the reasoning, the way it's done, etc...  Say you're some girl in a Vanilla relationship whose boyfriend or s/o will verbally abuse you if you go out with your friends, or if you hand him something the wrong way, or wear a skirt he doesn't like... that's controlling... but not really dominant.  Take a BDSM relationship and similar issues... let's say he or she (the submissive one) has agreed to surrender himself to this person... the dominant in the relationship isn't stepping all over the submissive person the way the controlling person is stepping over the regular person...

The dominant person is a fulfilling a preunderstood role, assuming the relationship in general is consensual...the first case guy is just being a jerk...  that's a bit muddled.  Let me say that... I'm a switch and in my vanilla relationship, I sometimes REALLY crave bdsm, I mean, I'm not gonna get it out of him unless I'm the top (which I don't mind but I'd like a mix...) but when he gets controlling it's not the same thing... it's hurtful and sometimes feels mildly like I've been abused, though it never gets physical.  While I would like to be controlled in the bdsm,... dominant relationship kind of way, I never crave the kind of vanilla controlling thing that angry or possessive guys get a lot.

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RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 7:46:46 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Is there a difference between being controling and being a Dom? In the lifestyle a Dom/Domme is supposed to be controling. In vanilla a controling person is considered an asshole. Is there any difference between the two?


One difference is consent.

In vanilla relationships people rarely talk about how will have authority over what. They either go with traditional roles or butt heads until it works out or they split.

Another difference is motivation.

I think asshole controlling people do it out of fear -- fear of not being the man/woman, fear of being seen as weak, fear of losing someone, fear of just not being in control. They might try to control things that frankly are not realistic to control.

I think a good dominant controls becaues it is natural or because it will better herself and her partner/relationship. She knows her limits and control what is possible so that she never fears losing control or being seen as weak.

Finally I think another difference is benefit.

The asshole controlling doesn't really benefit anyone. It may appear to benefit the controler but I think it just re-enforces the fears and creates more anxiety for everyone involved.

The good dominant controling should see benefits for everyone.

I think there are a fair number of asshole dominants too, they just know the lingo of BDSM and Ds.

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