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How do i know when a girl is truly Domme? - 4/3/2007 9:20:37 AM   
fortifiedsqual


Posts: 15
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline 		So i live in a small, religious area, and talking about the scene would be pretty destructive to my reputation if it leaked and got around. 

I am wondering if there are ways to tell that a girl is either secretly Domme or at least knowledgeable about the scene and willing to go with it.  I am tired of dating vanillas and walking away from them after sex with a feeling of unsatisfaction.  It would be nice to have a few clues that tell me if a girl might be interested in having a sub before i waste my time and money on dating. 

Is there a safe way to discreetly bring it up?  Are there certain traits a Domme will have about her that could potentially give her away? 

I am currently talking with a girl that seems to enjoy telling me to do this thing or that, but is indifferent when i refuse to do some of the things.  I refuse often because girls will sometimes use that strategy as a test to see if i am confident enough to refuse and not be worried about her reaction -- some girl thing to see if a guy is "too nice" to go out with.  Anyways, would any of you think she is trying to get something out there or just playing the games?  It's a hard call, she really seems to have fun telling me things to do.  She also "jokingly" says i'm going to marry her and be her little servant boy husband. 
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RE: How do i know when a girl is truly Domme? - 4/3/2007 9:35:45 AM   
Domin8tingUrDrmz


Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline 		I realize you are concerned with being 'outed', but there are ways to bring up the subject without outright saying you are or aren't interested.  When she playfully jokes about "you will marry me and be my servant boy husband", why not ask her if she is serious...does she really want a servant boy husband?  If she replies, no honey, I'm just playing, well, there's your answer.  If she replies, well, yes, I do want a servant boy husband, there ya go, you have an open to talk further.  Ask her more questions, like "what do you want him to do?", "what do you want to do to him?" etc.  You won't be 'outing' yourself, but you will be finding out if she is interested.  I don't think a Domme would be ashamed to be forthright in her desires...but, it is possible she too is concerned with being 'outed'.

(in reply to fortifiedsqual)
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RE: How do i know when a girl is truly Domme? - 4/3/2007 9:38:27 AM   
LadyEllen


Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline 		The six inch thigh highs, leather bra and whip usually give it away I find......

More seriously, I think youre running the risk of endangering what you have with this lady, who is maybe unaware of the possibilities youre thinking about and might be aghast if you were to let all be known, assuming she is from the same community as you - albeit that you seem to have a reasonable prospect on your hands even if she doesnt know it, and it even could be she is seeing whether you are of like mind before she reveals herself. Just enjoy what you have and see where it goes, but obviously given your locale, take it slowly.

E

_____________________________

In a test against the leading brand, 9 out of 10 participants couldnt tell the difference. Dumbasses.

(in reply to fortifiedsqual)
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RE: How do i know when a girl is truly Domme? - 4/3/2007 9:39:09 AM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		There is no magic formula to discover if someone is truly a domme.  Dominant women are...guess what?  Women.  We are not all alike, we all have different personalities and we all have different styles.  If she comes into the bedroom wearing thigh highs and a corset, she may be a domme.  Or she may just like thigh highs and corsets.  If she likes to boss you around she may be a domme.  She may just be bossy. 

If you are in a relationship with someone and feel you can not discuss your sexual preferences, intimate desires, dreams, hopes, etc with your partner then how deep of a relationship do you really have?  At some point, if you want to know, you'll have to ask.

I can understand being hesitant to discuss everything at once and coming out when to do so may have long lasting negative consequences.  But it can be done gradually with some tit for tat discussion and experimentation in the bedroom and elsewhere.  You do not have to have an all consuming, take a deep breath and spill your guts about every facet of your fantasies in one fell swoop.  You can talk about little things and guage her reaction and ask her about her desires. 



_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to fortifiedsqual)
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RE: How do i know when a girl is truly Domme? - 4/3/2007 9:41:48 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		Learn to read signals and incorporate your own tell-tale signs into the way you flirt.  There are so many opportunities to say things like "Oopps, I guess I've been a bad boy..." and see if she follows up with the obvious, "Maybe you need a spanking" - then you say "I actually might enjoy that."

You can't tell if a woman is a femdom based at ALL on her tendency to be bossy, pushy or controlling. I have heard so many sob stories from men that married a woman because she was "really controlling" hoping that it would blossom into dominance. What they got was a stubborn, selfish woman that when learned of his fantasies said "hell no, I'm not doing that in the bedroom with you, that's sick!"   Demanding does NOT equal femdom, nor does bitchy or controlling.  If anything, they may signal close mindedness and an unwillingness to explore mutual pleasure.

I think qualities that are common in femdoms are an adventurous nature, intelligence, creativity, self sufficiency, self confidence and an openness about sexuality - but not necessarily with a stranger or someone she's just barely met.

I've always felt that a self-realized femdom will have NO problem letting a man know she's kinky when the time is right. It's not like we're running around hiding our sexual nature.  It was impossible for me NOT to tie up a guy on the first date. 

Akasha


_____________________________

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to fortifiedsqual)
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RE: How do i know when a girl is truly Domme? - 4/3/2007 11:05:20 AM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline 		Well, first things first.  She needs to not be a "girl" -- over 18 is the good way to go if you wish to stay out of jail.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to fortifiedsqual)
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RE: How do i know when a girl is truly Domme? - 4/3/2007 11:11:46 AM   
MsBrittany


Posts: 1
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline 		its a natural way about a person I think.

(in reply to fortifiedsqual)
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RE: How do i know when a girl is truly Domme? - 4/3/2007 11:39:56 AM   
SlaveSubtoserve


Posts: 282
Joined: 6/21/2006
Status: offline 		Wonderful and such wise points AAkasha!

(in reply to AAkasha)
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RE: How do i know when a girl is truly Domme? - 4/3/2007 12:09:55 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fortifiedsqual
Is there a safe way to discreetly bring it up?  Are there certain traits a Domme will have about her that could potentially give her away? 

I am currently talking with a girl that seems to enjoy telling me to do this thing or that, but is indifferent when i refuse to do some of the things.  I refuse often because girls will sometimes use that strategy as a test to see if i am confident enough to refuse and not be worried about her reaction -- some girl thing to see if a guy is "too nice" to go out with.  Anyways, would any of you think she is trying to get something out there or just playing the games?  It's a hard call, she really seems to have fun telling me things to do.  She also "jokingly" says i'm going to marry her and be her little servant boy husband. 


I don't think there is an easy way to tell with respect to personality or other traits. I think BDSM is distributed across population like many other things. So I think you will find all types of personalities and the like who might enjoy dominance.

In general, it is easier for me to imagine someone enjoying dominance freely when someone is not too straight laced. That is, it is easier for me to imagine or bring up BDSM with someone who seems somewhat alternative or non-mainstream in some way. I think having taken one step that goes against societal or mainstream norms makes it easier to take or tolerate a different non-mainstream step.

I think you are seeing good signs. I would test the waters with conversation through jokes. Another idea is to make a bet that has the loser do the winner's bidding for a day or a weekend--of course the bet would have the odds in her favor. Another idea to test the waters is to watch a movie or somehow bring into conversation a movie, video, song, or story that has BDSM overtones, and see what reaction is produced. It could be that she is similarly concerned about sharing her interest of BDSM so any such reference should be neutral enough--I would not raise any of these examples in a negative light.

I think you bring up an interesting point in your post--how do you be submissive and still retain their respect, for which I do not have an easy answer at least at this sitting.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 4/3/2007 12:29:06 PM >

(in reply to fortifiedsqual)
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RE: How do i know when a girl is truly Domme? - 4/3/2007 12:33:10 PM   
fortifiedsqual


Posts: 15
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

You can't tell if a woman is a femdom based at ALL on her tendency to be bossy, pushy or controlling. I have heard so many sob stories from men that married a woman because she was "really controlling" hoping that it would blossom into dominance. What they got was a stubborn, selfish woman that when learned of his fantasies said "hell no, I'm not doing that in the bedroom with you, that's sick!"   Demanding does NOT equal femdom, nor does bitchy or controlling.  If anything, they may signal close mindedness and an unwillingness to explore mutual pleasure.


I like that you brought this up.  My ex-girlfriend was just like that.  She was very controlling and when i insisted that she just make me her sub, she denied me of it because she did not want me getting pleasure from her being pushy and controlling.  So, i dumped her.  Many people need to know that bossy and dominant does not equate to Domme. 

MisPandora, this girl/lady/woman/female is of age.  At least 18 and 3 months, and i'm only 19.  I think i called her a girl because of how short she is, she's like 5ft or something. 

quote:

More seriously, I think youre running the risk of endangering what you have with this lady, who is maybe unaware of the possibilities youre thinking about and might be aghast if you were to let all be known, assuming she is from the same community as you - albeit that you seem to have a reasonable prospect on your hands even if she doesnt know it, and it even could be she is seeing whether you are of like mind before she reveals herself. Just enjoy what you have and see where it goes, but obviously given your locale, take it slowly.


I posted this thread with an interest of seeing if there are certain personality traits that would hint me to whether or not someone is Domme before getting seriously involved with them.  I will definitely take this one slowly, and this lady is fun enough that i'll probably date her vanilla if that's all she's into.  We'll see how it goes, and thank you for the advice. 

(in reply to undergroundsea)
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RE: How do i know when a girl is truly Domme? - 4/4/2007 2:51:14 AM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fortifiedsqual
MisPandora, this girl/lady/woman/female is of age.  At least 18 and 3 months, and i'm only 19.  I think i called her a girl because of how short she is, she's like 5ft or something. 


I knew this was the answer I was going to get from you.

Regardless of the reason you call her "girl", part of it is your own thinking and manner of respecting that she is a woman.  The question remains -- are you able to regard her as someone who could quite literally put a spell on you or effortlessly lead you around by the ear, or do you look at her that she's some 'small little girl' that has no influence upon you?

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to fortifiedsqual)
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RE: How do i know when a girl is truly Domme? - 4/4/2007 4:33:12 AM   
MsCfromMelbourne


Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		Ask her what she thinks about this web site you found, Venus on Top.  Let her read it in peace.  Listen hard to her response.  If she thinks female led relationships are stupid, say no more.  Do not show your own hand other than to say you find "the ideas interesting, but could they really work?"

http://www.venus-on-top.com/

_____________________________

<----- Corset, mask and collar designed and manufactured by metalsmith Karl H, chromed and lined in black suede. Masks and collars available from http://www.lucreziadesade.com.au/default.html. Corsets custom made only

(in reply to MisPandora)
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RE: How do i know when a girl is truly Domme? - 4/4/2007 4:35:17 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		If she tells you where you two will go on a date and what you will do that can be a good start. If she is independent and isn't into the traditional female gender role, thats a good clue. If when she says she is going to marry you and make you her servant husband, say sincerely Yes I would like that really and see where it leads. You may want to tell her that you don't believe in the traditional gender roles and you like a take charge kind of woman. See what she says. The only way to find out it is to ask.

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to fortifiedsqual)
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RE: How do i know when a girl is truly Domme? - 4/4/2007 4:40:37 AM   
MsCfromMelbourne


Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		Goodness I just realised the OP is only 19

OP, date as many different women as you can.  Make lots of mistakes (and practice safe sex!).  You have time on your side.

Teenage women can be really immature and demanding.  Not many 18 year old women will understand what a Domme is, much less how to be one.  

Do not look at marrying anyone for at least 10 years.  That's my advice. 

_____________________________

<----- Corset, mask and collar designed and manufactured by metalsmith Karl H, chromed and lined in black suede. Masks and collars available from http://www.lucreziadesade.com.au/default.html. Corsets custom made only

(in reply to Lashra)
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RE: How do i know when a girl is truly Domme? - 4/4/2007 6:17:34 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		I don't know about traits. I do know that even when I'm not consciously do it, I've been told I send out dominant vibes and that I flirt in "domspace".

I do happen to be into BDSM, too, but this is in my mundane life as well.

Having a dominant personality is not the same as being a dominant in the Ds or BDSM sense.

If you aren't comfortable enough to just ask, why do you feel comfortable or ready yet to find a dom?

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to fortifiedsqual)
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RE: How do i know when a girl is truly Domme? - 4/4/2007 7:29:12 AM   
Mustardseed


Posts: 291
Joined: 5/27/2006
From: Seattle, WA
Status: offline 		In order to get a bead on what you recognize as dominance that's compatible with your submissive mindset, it would help if you used that license and car your profile mention, take some road trips, get out and meet some female dominants socially. This isn't for pickup or getting off on their tales of sexual exploits, this is just getting on a familiar, chatty basis with a number of women in order to get a better handle on how different of a species they may be from vanilla folks as far as you're concerned.

I hope that you like road trips, because you might have your work cut out for you:

http://www.darkheart.com/usalist.html#Pennsylvania

At 19 and in a small town, I don't think you're quite at the point where you can be successful at internal games of Spot the Domme. Maybe after a few years of people watching is kink friendlier cities you may be able to get an idea of who leans more towards your ideal of compatible dominance.

Certainly a way to bring up the concept to your girlfrield would be to let her know of your plans and ask her if she wants to join you. The other way would be to pick up a copy of When Someone You Love is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt, give it to her, and let her know that you'll be ready when she wants to discuss it and your private life in more depth.

Good luck!

(in reply to thetammyjo)
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RE: How do i know when a girl is truly Domme? - 4/4/2007 8:53:28 AM   
Lady Alaria


Posts: 160
Joined: 10/16/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsCfromMelbourne

Ask her what she thinks about this web site you found, Venus on Top. Let her read it in peace. Listen hard to her response. If she thinks female led relationships are stupid, say no more. Do not show your own hand other than to say you find "the ideas interesting, but could they really work?"

http://www.venus-on-top.com/



Hmm...The notion of the book sounds great, the execution of the website is awful. The problem being, with such terrible writing and presentation on the website, I fear the book might be written just as badly. Seems they might have been written by the same person?

(in reply to MsCfromMelbourne)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: How do i know when a girl is truly Domme? - 4/4/2007 9:10:37 AM   
JustAslave2007


Posts: 11
Joined: 2/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsBrittany

its a natural way about a person I think.


You are correct.  

A domme possesses certain natural characteristics other women do not.

Any woman can squeeze into a leather corset and high heels and call herself a domme, but it goes further than that. 

She possesses certain characterists that set her apart from other women which can't be imitated.

She has a certain essence and air about her that makes people want to gravitate towards her, for instance, she's charming, luring, confident, strong, likable and captivating.

She can get a man to sell his soul to the devil if she wanted.

That is how you can tell.

(in reply to MsBrittany)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How do i know when a girl is truly Domme? - 4/4/2007 2:02:13 PM   
ObedientYYC


Posts: 80
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsCfromMelbourne

Ask her what she thinks about this web site you found, Venus on Top.  Let her read it in peace.  Listen hard to her response.  If she thinks female led relationships are stupid, say no more.  Do not show your own hand other than to say you find "the ideas interesting, but could they really work?"

http://www.venus-on-top.com/


I recently pointed several vanilla women I had met to the Venus on Top website.  The almost universal feedback I got was that they didn't want to be a mother, or to have a passive partner.  Unless someone is already a self-realized Domme,  VOT is probably not going to lead them in that direction, because the signals it gives out seem to be that the man lacks confidence or doesn't want to share responsibilities (basic turnoffs for pretty much any woman!).  Its a pity, because VOT actually does describe a very workable and realistic D/s relationship style (and yes I have read the book).

To be honest, I've had much better luck directing women to Akasha's website.  Because its clearly erotic in nature (and not necessarily an entire encompassing lifestyle like VOT),  its more likely that they will be receptive.  Just my experience, anyway.

(in reply to MsCfromMelbourne)
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RE: How do i know when a girl is truly Domme? - 4/4/2007 2:48:53 PM   
Rose4Mistress


Posts: 162
Joined: 3/12/2007
Status: offline 		Taking her out on a date is definitely a good start.  Not every first date, but a lot, ends up with discussing some sexual experience. (or maybe thats just my experience, i don't know).  Anyway, get to know her.  If she says something about liking to "play" in bed, or liking to "take control"....well thats a hint. 

(in reply to ObedientYYC)
Profile   Post #: 20
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