Trade offs (Full Version)

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missturbation -> Trade offs (4/4/2007 10:18:37 AM)

After reading the thread on 'settling' and 'compromise i got to thinking.......
What happens when settling and compromise turn into 'trade offs'?
 
Now i'm not talking small things like 'i'll stop eating oranges in bed if you stop playing with your ball's in public.' I'm talking big stuff!
 
For example a couple i know have made what i consider is a major trade off. In her own words 'i put up with his poly and he puts up with my illness (shes bi-polar), its a trade off'. Now from what i can gather he has difficulty putting up with her illness and she really doesn't want the poly but to be together they have traded.
 
I guess you could call this compromise or settling but to me its bigger than that. In my thinking 'putting up with' poly / an illness surely cannot be healthy, cannot work.
 
So when settling and compromise turn into 'trade offs, can it really work?
 
 



juliaoceania -> RE: Trade offs (4/4/2007 10:20:47 AM)

I think there are many 50 year marriages out there filled with trade offs. Life is one big trade off.



crouchingtigress -> RE: Trade offs (4/4/2007 10:23:12 AM)

i gave up eating meat, he gave up smoking....that was a big'un



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Trade offs (4/4/2007 10:31:41 AM)

As long as you feel you're getting a good barter and you're ok psychologically, it's good. It's when the barter begins to feel off and you're not ok with that that there is a problem. It then becomes "selling" rather than "barter" and is unhealthy.

Master Fire



missturbation -> RE: Trade offs (4/4/2007 10:32:34 AM)

Yep life can be one big trade off. Yes i'd have trouble giving up smoking - it would be quite big for me.
However i think that the trade off ive mentioned above is a little more than this. Basically shes giving up her need for monogamy and to me that would be like giving up the lifestyle for a nilla partner. This lifestyle in my opinion is hard wired in me just as monogamy is probably hard wired in her. Its like giving up yourself.
 



crouchingtigress -> RE: Trade offs (4/4/2007 10:54:27 AM)

well i hear you, and i am pretty mono myself, ...but i did poly for years...its a wonderful place to grow, to really see your crap, to not be able to hide from yourself and insecurities...poly has its advantages...but as i have said before it is very hard to make poly work even when all parties are equally invested...but if one person feels uninvested..you dont have a snowballs chance of surviving hell....and trust me it will be hell.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Trade offs (4/4/2007 10:56:04 AM)

I dunno, we trade off on little silly things, like who picks the movie or dinner since we're pretty easy going anyway on that and we both have good taste. 

Important things?  I guess I'm too selfish and have found that I really can have it all.

I think the most common trade off people make is the long distance- they give up the close regular contact they want for the relationship they end up with.



darkinshadows -> RE: Trade offs (4/4/2007 11:09:08 AM)

I am pretty selfish actually.  Like Em, I want it all and you can have it but few people have the patience and just think about wanting it NOW.  I am like that at times, but in the end, I know that the patience is what will get me what I want and deserve.
 
Is distance a trade off?  I suppose it is - but not in a partnership sense.  My Boy and I aren't trading a single thing each - it is an obstacle we have to 'put up with' for the want of a better word because we know the relationship is worth the distance and the wait.  So it is a trade off because we both have the same trade and the same goal - but it isn't like the bi-polar for the poly thing miss mentioned.
 
Peace



MagiksSlave -> RE: Trade offs (4/4/2007 11:30:42 AM)

Personally I wouldnt do it... needing such huge trade offs signles to me an incompatability and not a relationship I would be willing to enter.. shurely they both new of these major things they didnt like befor they got involved and if they didnt well to me that would be a deal breaker anyway... thats just me.

Magik's slave



jauntyone -> RE: Trade offs (4/4/2007 11:38:21 AM)

Greetings
 
I gave up my freedom in more ways than one to become a slave; in return I was given heaven
I gave up and am still giving up 4 years of my life to fight for my country; in return I got two battle wounds and a sense of accomplishment
I gave up being single to be married; in return I was given the love of a man that I still can not fanthom
I gave up having a clean smelling house; and in return I was given the smell of sneakers and sweat that I can not get rid of for anything
 
I think you are catching on here [:)]
 
For everything a person 'gives up', they receive back 10 fold. It may not seem like much to you or I; but for that person, it is priceless.
 
I wish you well
 
melissa
 



FelinePersuasion -> RE: Trade offs (4/4/2007 12:25:51 PM)

I think long distance is a trade off. I won't ever again consider any one outside of my town unless they're so super fantabulouse I'd die to not have them. Or they were already about to move to my town before we met, but not because of me. Or unless they had the time to come down here on a whim, as well as regularly. I'm a very social little girl and I want to go to the events, with my partner, and if they can't make at least 5 of them a month nah.



dawntreader -> RE: Trade offs (4/4/2007 3:01:12 PM)

i am with melissa on this one... trading one thing for another is a form of compromise.Whether it is done from a love center or a fear center it is what works for those involved.When it stops working it becomes a sacrifice and maybe should be re-evaluated...



spanklette -> RE: Trade offs (4/4/2007 3:32:58 PM)

In the beginning...there were many trade offs and compromises. Each of them has lead us to where we are today. We are stable, because we are able to balance our relationship with compromise. And, the trade offs were really a very healthy part of our growth, as a couple. When two people entertwine their lives from long distance to live-in like we did, I think you have to have trade offs.
 
All that being said, neither of us have given up anything that was an integral part of our dynamic. I think that's what has not only made it work, but it's made us happy.



missturbation -> RE: Trade offs (4/4/2007 3:39:13 PM)

but as i have said before it is very hard to make poly work even when all parties are equally invested...but if one person feels uninvested..you dont have a snowballs chance of surviving hell....and trust me it will be hell.

This is my feeling too. When a trade off becomes huge in that you are giving up essential needs / wants and your heart really isnt in it then its destined to fail. Plus i wonder about the other people involved in this relationship and how they will be affected.



missturbation -> RE: Trade offs (4/4/2007 3:44:51 PM)

needing such huge trade offs signles to me an incompatability

Bingo! Well for me anyway lol. If you are incompatible in such basics as the type of lifestyle you want is there really any chance of it working!!



missturbation -> RE: Trade offs (4/4/2007 3:49:10 PM)

I gave up and am still giving up 4 years of my life to fight for my country; in return I got two battle wounds and a sense of accomplishment
I gave up being single to be married; in return I was given the love of a man that I still can not fanthom
I gave up having a clean smelling house; and in return I was given the smell of sneakers and sweat that I can not get rid of for anything

Whilst i get what you are saying, consider this...........i presume that being a slave is intrinsic to who you are!?! Now imagine the man of your dreams coming along and saying 'i'll trade you (insert anything you like) but you must give up being a slave.'  Would you be willing to trade? And if you did do you think it would work?
 



spanklette -> RE: Trade offs (4/4/2007 3:49:36 PM)

Theoretically, I agree...but when there is chemistry, some times the trade offs become very small.



Elorin -> RE: Trade offs (4/4/2007 3:56:21 PM)

Whether a trade off is worth it or not depends on whether or not you truly feel you are compromising yourself in the trade.

I would not be with anyone who was monogamous who felt that they were compromising him/herself to be with me who is poly.
I would not be with anyone who did not truly feel that I (who am bipolar) have an illness, and who was not truly willing to enter into some very diffcult times due to that illness.

I left an unhappy marriage for a lot of reasons, but one was his unwillingness to accept my role as a Domme.
I left a relationship of 4 years for a lot of reasons, but one was his unwillingness to accept my choice to be poly.

I would NOT compromise on either of those issues. Nor would I be with someone who "puts up with" rather than accepts my mental illness. (Tongue in cheek comments aside.)

But I choose to be in a relationship with a man who doesn't want children. I have a child. He chooses to be in a relationship with me. That is certainly a trade off...choosing a relationship and accepting that a child is part of being in a relationship with a parent. Do either of us feel morally compromised? No. We feel that this is something we can accept, even though in an "ideal" world we might have chosen differently for our partners.

There are some things I'll compromise on, but some that I won't. What I'm willing to compromise on is very personal to me...each person has to decide what they can handle. And sometimes you find that you can't handle something, when earlier you thought you could. It is sad when relationships end partway through because one person realized...no, I can't be happy with this. I tried, I thought I could, but I was wrong.

Best of luck to your friend, and hopes that the comment was more tongue in cheek than deadly serious.

~E



czarlipet -> RE: Trade offs (4/4/2007 4:15:20 PM)

The biggest problem that I see with your argument is that you are assuming that what these two people are giving up are needs. You are assuming that monogamy is hard-wired into this person as it is in you.

I know a lot of people who have the illness that the woman you spoke of has and absolutely none of them would ever "put up" with something that they didn't want to or that would compromise who they are.

Even if monogamy is a hard-wired part of who she is, so is her illness. If he has to "put up" with her illness which she has no choice in having or not having... well why shouldn't she be able to equally "put up" with something which  is possibly part of his hard-wiring?

We can all say what would work for ourselves. We can all say what we could or could not trade-off. We cannot however determine for anyone else, what they can trade-off based on our ideas of ourselves. Our perception of what is healthy in a relationship should not be confined to our own circumstances and personalities. Our perception of what is healthy in a relationship should take each relationship and the people involved in it into account, regardless of our own opinions, desires, and needs.

Czarli



missturbation -> RE: Trade offs (4/4/2007 4:35:14 PM)

The biggest problem that I see with your argument is that you are assuming that what these two people are giving up are needs. You are assuming that monogamy is hard-wired into this person as it is in you.
I'm not assuming anything, i have had several convos with this woman and poly is not what she wants. She 'puts up' with it to keep her man.
You however are doing assuming, what makes you think i'm monogamous? I'm actually in a poly relationship.
I know a lot of people who have the illness that the woman you spoke of has and absolutely none of them would ever "put up" with something that they didn't want to or that would compromise who they are.
Just because you don't know any doesn't mean there aren't any. This woman in her own words is 'putting up' with it.
Even if monogamy is a hard-wired part of who she is, so is her illness. If he has to "put up" with her illness which she has no choice in having or not having... well why shouldn't she be able to equally "put up" with something which  is possibly part of his hard-wiring?
I'm not saying they should or shouldn't. Who am i to tell them what to do. I'm simply questioning that when wants and needs become big trade offs can it work. As i've ' you've seen some say yes, some say no.
We can all say what would work for ourselves. We can all say what we could or could not trade-off. We cannot however determine for anyone else, what they can trade-off based on our ideas of ourselves. Our perception of what is healthy in a relationship should not be confined to our own circumstances and personalities. Our perception of what is healthy in a relationship should take each relationship and the people involved in it into account, regardless of our own opinions, desires, and needs.
The couple i mentioned were used as an example of what i would class as a big trade off, not used for myself or others to judge or try to put right. However i will say that i have taken into account this couples relationship, relationship history etc as i know them both very well. I was asking a general question about trade offs not about the specific relationship i mentioned.
 



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