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AAkasha -> RE: Overuse of a safeword? (4/18/2005 11:40:49 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SirKenin
Ok, I talked to her about My concerns about the safe word.
As it turns out she did not know where else to turn when I told her I would not take no for an answer. she says "Why won't You just take "No"" at which time I explained to her the ambiguity of the word no in the lifestyle I live. I told her that I felt that she was attempting to top from the bottom and that would not be considered acceptable.
W/we had a long conversation and it appears that the duress of her job, the tremendous pressure of a tripled workload and coming home exhausted, the fact that W/we are moving into a new house, etc has worn her right down. I can understand this. I am exhausted Myself. It has proven to be hell to say the least. However, I discussed with her all the excellent points that had been brought up here and that the alternative to "no" or *insert safeword here* is to tell Me "Sir, I feel uncomfortable with this", "Sir, this is putting me into a position I do not feel comfortable with right now" or "Sir, can W/we sit down and talk" or the likes. I told her at that point I would stop whatever it was that I was doing and W/we can sit down and discuss what was bothering her.
I agree with the ones here that are saying that communication at that point where she feels necessary to back down is key. She normally does not do it, so there has to be good reason for it that needs to be discussed. Like I said it is because W/we are reaching our limits due to everything that has been going on for the past month.
W/we are not moving in together because of O/our BDSM ties. I think that seems to be the basics of what nella is trying to say. It is also not the same woman that I had so many problems with before. That relationship dissolved. I am moving in with her because of O/our vanilla ties and relationship first and foremost. Even if she was not My submissive-in-training and W/we did not involve O/ourselves with S&M I would still want to live with her. I would not trade that relationship for anything.
I did, as per the recommendations in this thread, discuss with her the proper use of safewords. I told her what I expect out of this relationship and how I expect her to approach Me. This sparked an excellent dialogue and I think W/we are both better off as a result. W/we have the most impressive communication I believe I have ever seen in a relationship.
I would like to thank E/everyone for T/their valuable input, and if anything else comes to mind, perhaps something I missed, please let Me know.
The irony of this whole mess is that safewords were designed in order to clarify communication while in scene and improve safety.
In this relationship, safewords were a roadblock to communication and resulted in a lot of misunderstanding, hidden feelings and confusion.
Personally, the only time I use safewords are when in a situation that my partner might be saying "No, STOP!" when he doesn't mean it. Otherwise, there is no substitute for good old fashioned, "This is how I feel," when two people aren't connecting.
And when things are breaking down the point that your partner does not want to be hugged or touched, that's a sign of discomfort, lack of trust, ickiness, feeling boxed in, feeling trapped. Bad signs. Again, though, instead of reading this as a sign of some emotional disconnect, it was boiled down to one word. Safeword.
Imagine if a normal relationship had to replace all communication of conflict/disagreement with one word, and one word only. You think it would work?
BDSM relationships are no different. If anything, because of the intense emotions and trust issues and passion involved, clear communication is critical.
Subs often don't know what the hell they are feeling; if the only way out of that lost place is to safeword and crawl into a corner, that's a dangerous options. The dominant needs to be there to help the sub understand, decipher, communicate these feelings.
Akasha
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