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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/7/2007 6:04:55 AM

SirDiscipliner69

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissEnchantress

In a loving D/s relationship... Do you want your sub to want you? Do you care what he thinks or feels?

I once asked a personal sub if he wanted to come over for the night. His response was to the like of - what do you care if I want to or not. You're the Domme. If you want me over then order me to come over.

If I ask a subs preference I think he should view it as an honour... I know some Dommes never care. This sub seemed to see it as me acting submissively.

Thoughts?

It is My perception that an overnight stay may be the beginnings of a form of commitment that may trancend the BDSM realm.

Many of all walks of life fear commitment.

Many fear the unknown.

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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/7/2007 4:38:24 PM

SwPuno

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Your story reminds me of a very similar story I heard during one of those corporate empowerment training sessions.
A manager was asking people during a meeting what they thought about something in order to get input and buy in
and one person, an Oriental I believe, said "Don't give me that empowerment crap! Just tell me what you want me
to do!" This was years ago but part of me wonders if it is the same person.

At any rate, I think your person may have similar expectations about the structure of your relationship. I'm not sure
if you can get him to see or like things in a different light but if not it may be a sign you are not well suited for each other.
I would agree he is not necessarily helping the image of many other subs and I hope you won't take his stance to
represent us all.

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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/7/2007 7:15:31 PM

earthycouple

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[/quote]

Ok I think this is going to be a long one for me. As i am new to the whole BDSM scene i definitely know i am a Mistress. I haven´t played yet but i do have a couple of subs. I have read into a lot but I don´t think anything can prepare you for your first play. I am nervous. I know as a Mistress i am rare but like Miss Enchantress i like to know how he sub is feeling, what he is looking for, his interests etc and when he answers that his only joy is to please me well how do i know what he likes or dislikes? I also find online play very difficult and sometimes boring. I don´t get much enjoyment out of it. I often get online subs who only want to amuse themselves and not really care about what i want. I don´t want to go on about this but if anyone is interested in having a good chat with me about all this then please do. I´d love any advice.

Mistress Sheena

[/quote]

Sheena,
I'm nervous for you. It sounds as if you have read some things on BDSM, did a little online play, which counts for nothing as far as I am concerned. You said you have some subs? How so? What do they do for you, how do you interact? My take is you need a mentor and to be in a place where you can see how other Dominants act and respond. I have been in this lifestyle 13 years and have been both bottom and Top. I didn't wake up one day and say I am Mistress here me Roar....I felt my way into the life slowly and with great caution. I suggest you befriend local Dominants, feel the sting of their whips once or twice and just listen, watch and learn before you ever lay a hand on another.

On a very personal note...I firmly believe you may be dominant but one is not a Mistress until one has gone through the paces and built trust with a submissive... my personal opinions only. People who feel the world must call them a certain title simply because they call themselves that title are often the biggest players out there and often get little respect. Just something to consider

If I can be of help, I'm happy to...even via email.

D~

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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/8/2007 9:33:33 AM

undergroundsea

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rumtiger

huh...sounds like someone making the rest of us sound bad.

That was my take as well. The first thing a malesub learns is that THE MISTRESS is human.

I agree that the statement by the sub is odd. I had two thoughts that came to mind about what might be behind that statement.

The first was in similar spirit to yours.

The second was to wonder if he seeks a stronger D/s dynamic and, instead of direct communication, has chosen a poor way to communicate this want. I am thinking of a general scenario where one holds an issue but does not have the courage to raise it--instead, the person makes indirect references that are born of a negative spirit.

Cheers,

Sea

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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/8/2007 9:52:47 AM

MsBlackheart

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From: Memphis TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissEnchantress

In a loving D/s relationship... Do you want your sub to want you? Do you care what he thinks or feels?

I once asked a personal sub if he wanted to come over for the night. His response was to the like of - what do you care if I want to or not. You're the Domme. If you want me over then order me to come over.

If I ask a subs preference I think he should view it as an honour... I know some Dommes never care. This sub seemed to see it as me acting submissively.

Thoughts?

Want me? Not enough! Pine for me, long for me, live for me!

And bare his soul when I ask him anything.

Did his answer make you want to backhand him, hard? Just reading it made my hand itch! *g*

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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/10/2007 2:00:28 PM

cloudboy

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Maybe the three of us can for a Triumvirate. Who gets Rome, who gets Egypt, and who gets Gaul?

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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/10/2007 3:46:55 PM

SweetDommes

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Absolutely - and I try to make it clear from the beginning (since I conduct the initial contact with potentials) that we expect input from our boys ... it may not change our minds about whatever topic is being discussed, but we WANT the input. If we ask what a boy wants, then that means that we want to know (or we wouldn't bother asking).

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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/11/2007 6:27:12 PM

jovonna

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I care for my sub and his feelings. When he makes a honset effort to please me with all his effort then I in turn will make a effort to give him his heart desire--------ONLY if he has been good---sort of a treat.

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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/11/2007 6:35:45 PM

MsCfromMelbourne

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissEnchantress

I once asked a personal sub if he wanted to come over for the night. His response was to the like of - what do you care if I want to or not. You're the Domme. If you want me over then order me to come over.

Thoughts?

he was testing you or pushing you away. he managed to very subtley reject you (by not being thrilled to come over) and then poke yourinsecurity by criticising your "Domliness"

I would have made a joke along the lines:

"BZZZZZZTTT. The correct answer is of course I want to come over right now thank you Mistress NOT a lecture from you.

Punishment is 10 cane strokes"

Make 'em hard.

I ask my sub what he wants to do ALL the time. How could a couple function any other way? I am a Mistress, not a mind-reader!

Our deal is that I always seek his opinion, but I make up my own mind and then he has to abide by my decision.

< Message edited by MsCfromMelbourne -- 4/11/2007 6:50:37 PM >

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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/11/2007 6:48:34 PM

marieToo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissEnchantress

In a loving D/s relationship... Do you want your sub to want you? Do you care what he thinks or feels?

I once asked a personal sub if he wanted to come over for the night. His response was to the like of - what do you care if I want to or not. You're the Domme. If you want me over then order me to come over.

If I ask a subs preference I think he should view it as an honour... I know some Dommes never care. This sub seemed to see it as me acting submissively.

Thoughts?

In general, I think the dominant party should conduct themselves how they see fit and the submissive will either be responsive to it or not.

On a personal level, I would be very uncomfortable being asked if I "wanted" to come over. Id be ok being asked if circumstances allowed for me to get over there. But being asked if I desired coming over? No way.

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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/11/2007 6:59:15 PM

SweetDominance1

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If the relationship is supposedly a loving one he should want you don't you think? Yes I would care what he feels and think as a person, as a man and as a sub, to me this is how we are to grow with one another, knowing what's on the others' mind being able to have discussions about what we are feeling at any given time would be very important to the evolution of our relationship, I want to have power over him, but I need him to realize that it is my desire to interact with him on a very human level all the time, even in scening, this to me means caring, I don' think that this should be any type of indicator that the Domme is being submissive/weak because she deems to care enough to give a damn, I agree with those who say the sub should appreciate that trait, it is an honor.

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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/12/2007 7:07:54 AM

DawnFire

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Like I've said before, my submissive (having little knowledge of D/s culture) expected to be treated as a doormat. He was thrilled to know that is no where near what I expect of him. The relationship would feel... almost abusive, if I didn't care about his thoughts and opinions. I still make the final decision, but he likes to know I'm paying attention to his concerns.

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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/12/2007 12:14:15 PM

AAkasha

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I want my sub to seriously, lustfully want me.

I want him to want me so bad, and more importantly to want to arouse me so bad, that he is willing to do things that are terrifying, humiliating and painful -- but worth it, just to get me off.

The fact that I thrive on, and am really turned on by, his surrender is what should motivate him to continue to submit to me, despite his fear. That's the conflict that really makes me tick.

Akasha

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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/12/2007 1:21:20 PM

SlaveSubtoserve

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Great view of things Aakasha!- so well put.

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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/12/2007 2:00:01 PM

MzMia

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I agree with you AAkasha, that is one reason I LOVE chastity.
I want him to want me, think of me, dream of me and worship me.
Did I forget anything?

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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/12/2007 2:17:28 PM

Hanable

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it always helps if there is something there between me and my sub... it makes it easier. i think so anyway. i enjoy the feeling i get when a sub begs me to play with him.. to order him... to use him. i enjoy being loved... is that a bad thing?

H >:)

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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/12/2007 4:08:31 PM

misskatt

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I sometimes feel on the submissive side of things when I ask a sub what their opinion is of something and they get this type of "what, you're asking me something, why?" look on their face. Then I get angry and snap at them for questioning my reasons. I like to know what they are thinking. I like to know what it is they enjoy most. I don't want to tell them every little emotion they should feel when we are together.
I think it depends on the weight of the relationship you have with your sub if you can do this without them questioning your power. Communication. An awesome thing!

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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/12/2007 4:13:48 PM

DiannaVesta

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

Yes, yes and yes.

I want him to be wholly connected to me. Submission out of doing it as an action to any random dominant woman doesn't serve my needs. Submitting 'to me' because of who I am as a woman, because of who I am in my skin -- that is profound and what I desire in a mate and subject.

The whole "mistress doesn't care what I want" plays nicely in a fantasy, but in terms of a relationship or commitment, the slave being invested in the exchange is important. Part of that is by contributing feedback, whether solicited, or whether through the act of "transparency" where he's compelled to share with me things that are on his mind. The control comes into play when I make a conscious decision with the information that is before me -- *I* make the choices -- and not all of them will be in parallel to what the slave might desire or not desire.

Perfect answer. I couldn't have said it any better.

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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/12/2007 10:28:18 PM

Laura

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I want him to crave me. But, I have only found subs who want to pretend, who fit themselves to the roll without ever looking for anything real or personal.

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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/13/2007 1:30:10 AM

Jasmyn

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quote:

Now I could have said "You plan something that will please me" and that would fly well -- the focus is on his service but the goal is my pleasure; that he can handle.

It's easy to fall into those vanilla patterns, think about those are the patterns we lived from childhood.

But part of the responsibility I took with ownership of Fox was to ask things in a way that reinforces his submission to me but also respects our individual personhood and my need to not have to make all the decisions all the time.

Tammyjo this is so well said, I think every dom to be should cut and paste this into their little black book of domliness and turn it into a personal mantra.

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