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RE: Why do we care what others think? - 4/5/2007 11:28:12 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		I'm a social creature by nature. I always have to have my hand in something. Like any other social function, there are people that we like/dislike and I'm sure the feelings are mutual...but it's not because of orientation. It's because of personalities.
 
I don't count many people as true friends, either. That's not by choice, however, that's merely due to scheduling and priorities.
 
It's nice to see different perspectives on this. I'm kinda glad to get it off of my chest.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

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RE: Why do we care what others think? - 4/5/2007 11:58:55 PM   
iceraven


Posts: 5
Joined: 9/19/2006
Status: offline
I think it is human nature to be concerned with what others think. As much as we try and deny it a small part of use will always care. The questions that remains is are we willing to sacrifice to be accepted. For some of use there is no sacrifice greater then to be a out cast. Even if the cost is living a lie for the remainder of there life for others we would rather keep who we are in the hopes we will accepted for that in the end.
When a part of you is looked down on will you be willing to embrace that aspect of your self in the hope you are still accepted or will you cast it aside knowing that the person judging will favor the people most like themselves.
I hope this is understood the way I meant it to be
Only one hint
(in my opinion you can not be fake for ever. so don’t lie because all you will have in the end is nothing that is yours)

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RE: Why do we care what others think? - 4/6/2007 7:34:10 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		My personality type is conducive to both being a people pleaser and a rebel against society if I see that society as improper or immoral in some way. (same personality type as Gandhi  in two different personality systems.) Given the first part, I am prone to desiring outward approval, to the point that it could be detrimental. So, I try to keep it in check. The second part is what I use to do this. If someone dissapproves of me, I'm now likely to see that it really stems from a dislike of something in themselves and really has nothing to do with me. I can seperate myself from that, should I choose.

Two examples from my life that might help explain:

I really wanted to be given my vest from my peers...as an acknowledgement of my Mastery. I was really beginning to be hurt when it didn't seem likely to happen. Then, I realized that I was waiting for outward approval of who I was, in a negative way. I was relying on them to tell me I was a Master and that I was worthy. This is bad for me. So, I decided to purchase my own vest...I needed to approve of myself before I would be able to positively accept the approval of others. Now, if I'm ever given my Master's cap, it will be under the right conditions. It doesn't matter to me if it happens or not.

The quote from Velveteen rabbit is true...and I fully know that I can choose to remain in a relationship with someone who doesn't approve of me...or not. I'd stay if we simply agreed to disagree about it...but if they were going to constantly berate me over it, I'd leave. Even family, including my mom. Accepting who I am and being Real is that important to me. "...because once you're Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." Skin Horse to Velveteen Rabbit.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

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RE: Why do we care what others think? - 4/6/2007 8:44:23 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: spanklette
1)Do you care what others in the lifestyle think of your kink and dynamics?

Yes.
quote:


2) Do you care what others outside of the lifestyle think if they know already, or what they would think if they don't know?

quote:


In other words, what are your personal consequences if people don't approve?

Not much other than I either try to help them understand or withdraw from them.

quote:

So, do you seek approval? And, what are the consequences if you are met with disapproval?

I seek a certain amount of approval from people like my mother and my nephews and my partner.  I certainly seek approval from my boss that I'm doing a good job at work.

While I won't let anyone else's sense of approval prevent me from being true to myself, they are important to me, and thus their opinions and judgements are important to me. 

I like being socially aware.  Part of being socially aware is knowing and understanding how people react to me, and why they react to me in that way.  In order to do that, I HAVE to care about what they say and why they say it, what they mean towards me.

Caring about how someone else feels about you means that you want to form health relationships with other people.  The problem is that too many people go to the extreme and think if you care what they feel, that you somehow allow them to control who you are.

I CARE when someone tells me I suck, it informs me of how I'm perceived and allows me to shape future communications in a more informed way.

THat doesn't mean I'm going to suddenly need to run and change everything in order to get them to say that I'm wonderful.  Even with my mother, I chose the path of training HER to accept my choices as an adult.  There were years of hiding myself from her, years of slow progression coming out in certain ways.  But eventually, we reached a point of acceptance and understanding.

So how MUCH I care about a persons opinion of me depends on how close they are and how much I value their opinion.  But I do CARE how I am perceived socially on every level.  To me that's responsible social awareness.

< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 4/6/2007 9:20:43 AM >

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Why do we care what others think? - 4/6/2007 9:05:17 AM   
jauntyone


Posts: 543
Joined: 2/27/2007
From: Anchorage Alaska
Status: offline 		Greetings
 
Why do we care what others think? Because we are all human with a basic need to be accepted on some small/large level. To think otherwise is to socially brick ourselves off.
 
The opinions, judgments, understanding, and acceptance of and from others gives us insight into ourselves as to how others perceive us. It feeds a vanity within; and this is a healthy thing for it helps us to grow.
 
I wish you well
 
melissa

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Why do we care what others think? - 4/6/2007 9:28:49 AM   
FukinTroll


Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline 		I think that if anyone is seeking a sense of community they would have to be mindful of what others think.

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The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

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RE: Why do we care what others think? - 4/6/2007 9:39:16 AM   
PONYSEEKER


Posts: 364
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		I use to care a lot about how others viewed me but as I grew older I became more and more discontent with what life had to offer.  It was after that I decided that most of the people that
I was allowing to make changes in my life and behavior were people that new very little about
me and I was enpowering them just so that I could feel accepted into things that were fleeting
the people that I gave this power of influence too came and went but then there was allways
discontented me.  I finally got selfish enough to relise that unless I am actually hurting someone
or doing something against the law it really dosnt matter what others think of my lifestyle.  I still
keep things in ballance and I do listen to everyones two cents but I dont take it to heart. You
might say I woke up one morning and said hey I want to be happy too and the vanilla world
just dosnt do it for me.  I have found that being comfortable with myself and how I live my life
has givin me a certain arogance that I never had before that some people seem to admire in me.
Its not entirly selfish and I never believe others should do things the way I do nor do I think that
how I see things is the right way of seeing things.  I am honest with others because people should
be able to judge wether or not they want to be friends lovers or whatever with me. If they decide
they dont like me for the way that I am than that is not really a bad reflection of who or what I
am its a person living life from a different perspective than myself and they should be able to move
on so to speak.  Odly enough I have found that when acting exacly the way that I am people find
a lot of my ideas very accepting where originaly I thought they wouldnt.  When vanillas ask me
about the lifestyle that I live they are at first shocked but then after talking to them for a few
minutes they generally understand the perspective. They dont necesarily agree with it. But they at
least understands its place.  One of biggest influences on my life was a simple quote I read year
ago in a book by Kurt Voneguit (cant speel it...lol) when  he said that his father had told him
that there was no such thing as good or evil just differences in perspective. I thought that was so
simple, true and cool so its stuck with me.  And so it goes.

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Why do we care what others think? - 4/6/2007 9:44:03 AM   
yourmaster1969


Posts: 13
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline 		1)Do you care what others in the lifestyle think of your kink and dynamics?
nope
Do you care what others outside of the lifestyle think if they know already, or what they would think if they don't know?
Nope cause the last time i looked i was free and over the age of 18.
In other words, what are your personal consequences if people don't approve? None
Master Chuck

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Why do we care what others think? - 4/6/2007 9:53:13 AM   
viperess


Posts: 290
Joined: 11/6/2006
Status: offline 		Greetings,

There was a time in mmy life that yes i cared what others thought about how i choose to live my life and i hid much of it behind closed doors. Now i do not know if it is because i am old or if it is because i have come to realize the only person who can make me feel bad about how i live is myself but how i live goes with me even when i leave the house. At work most everyone knows of my lifestyle and most the neighbors can guess as it is hard to miss that the three of us live together and go about everywhere together except to work. i am not ashamed of how i live and i am proud of what my Master, sister, and i have together. That does not mean i stand in the middle of the street while Master flogs me, but it does mean if someone asks me about wiitwd i ask if they really what to know..if the answer is yes then i tell them.
respectfully, 

_____________________________

viperess slave of BlackTarnHeart
heart and chain sister to velvetvixen68

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Why do we care what others think? - 4/6/2007 9:54:14 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:

1)Do you care what others in the lifestyle think of your kink and dynamics?


Nope. To each their own.

Like some others have mentioned, I am selective on who I decide to tell of my friends who are not in the lifestyle themselves. It really depends on their personalities. If I perceive them as open minded to the concept, I might tell them. If I know it would offend them, I wouldn't. That, to me, is just common courtesy.

quote:

2) Do you care ........ what they would think if they don't know?


Do I care what others would think if they found out? Yes, I care very much. Why? It depends on who found out. Our lifestyle is not exactly socially acceptable, and if people powerful in religion and the government found out, they would have the power to make my life very miserable.

The U.S. is a scary country right now, with people who believe they have a right to tell others how they may live, and how they can't. I believe we all have a self-interest in keeping under such people's radar.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

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RE: Why do we care what others think? - 4/6/2007 9:57:48 AM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: spanklette

I suppose, I got lost in my own train of thought about confidence and why we care what others think acceptable in our own relationships...but then I broadened the spectrum.
 
1)Do you care what others in the lifestyle think of your kink and dynamics?
 
2) Do you care what others outside of the lifestyle think if they know already, or what they would think if they don't know?
 
In other words, what are your personal consequences if people don't approve?



A lot of it depends on the person.  I generally don't care what people in the scene think of my relationship, with the exception of one really close friend.  Outside of the scene, my immediate family's opinion does matter to me because I'm close to them.  Luckily my owner gets along great with my family and I had talked to my mother in particular a little bit about my relationship dynamic and she's very accepting so its not an issue for her.

C~


_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

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RE: Why do we care what others think? - 4/6/2007 10:05:11 AM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		Luckily for me, i'm not seeking a sense of community.  If i wanted to be accepted by this board, i've really done a crappy job of going about it.  If i cared what others thought of me here, i wouldnt have posted many of the questions i have posted.  If i cared what others thought of my relationship, i wouldnt of posted the millions of questions that i posted about it. 

Sometimes it bothers me when i think something is misrepresented.   I get my acceptance from myself, i dont really need it from anywhere else.  Plus, i've ppl all over the planet who truely know me and accept me for who i am.  Its not something i come here for.  I come here for something i cant get anywhere else.  To learn and sort through my shit so i can make educated, intelligent decisions in my day to day life that arent mugged down by my own personal flaws.  This place is a great sounding board. 

So... no no and i've no personal consequences if others dont approve.  Whats the worst some one can do if they dont approve?  Tell me i'm screwed in the head?  oooooooooooo big whup.


_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Why do we care what others think? - 4/6/2007 1:57:54 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

 ORIGINAL: spanklette
1)Do you care what others in the lifestyle think of your kink and dynamics?

2) Do you care what others outside of the lifestyle think if they know already, or what they would think if they don't know?

In other words, what are your personal consequences if people don't approve?


It depends on who the others are.  I care most what my Lord and alandra think and not at all what anonymous people on the internet or in the community that I have had no interaction with think.  How much I care depends on the depth of the relationship that I have with that person.  The more intimate the relationship with someone, the more I care what they think. 

Approval is not something that I seek from anyone other than my Lord and in many ways alandra.  As long as he approves of what I am doing and I am being true to my core beliefs, then I don’t need or want other people’s approval.  I just expect them to accept my choices as mine to make.  Acceptance and approval is not the same thing in my eyes.

quote:

 
So, do you seek approval? And, what are the consequences if you are met with disapproval?

 
I don’t seek approval; I seek acceptance for my choices.  I don’t need the people I interact with to approve the choices I make or to even think that my choices are the right ones.  I just expect them to accept my right to make those choices.  People in my life may think that I am not making healthy or the best choices, but as long as they accept that it is my right to make those choices then it is not an issue for me. 

If someone is not able to accept my right to make my own choices and continually makes it an issue, then they are crossing a boundary with me.  I don’t accept people who walk over my boundaries.  Depending on the boundary they are crossing or how many times they have crossed it the relationship might end all together.  Most often the interaction will end where they cross the boundary and the relationship will be limited by their lack of respect.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

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RE: Why do we care what others think? - 4/6/2007 2:13:19 PM   
unsung


Posts: 183
Joined: 12/23/2006
Status: offline 		In response to the OP and principally this thread.  You ask a good question with the potential of deep reflection if one chooses to look at it as a whole.  Right now all I am going to ask the ones that say they are not concerned with what others think.  I ask you this, do you look in the mirror each day before you leave the house and if you do, why do you do that, do you dress up to go to functions of the lifestyle, or do you go in your grubs?  If you do why do you do that?  Do you put makeup and the list goes on. really every one seeks some sort of approvals, most people have been raised in such manner, to appease to our parents, teachers etc.  I don't think anyone can dismiss the fact, but perhaps it just is not at the outermost level of ones consciousness as it may be for others.

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RE: Why do we care what others think? - 4/6/2007 2:42:55 PM   
viperess


Posts: 290
Joined: 11/6/2006
Status: offline 		Greeting unsung,

To tell the truth no i do not look in the mirror as i run out of the house. As for work i have to put on a chef jacket and pants and my hair in a pony tail when i get there so it does not matter what i wear. As for as what i wear when i go out..there is only one person who i care if they like how i look and that is Master. As long as i have His approval then i am content in myself. i think it is something that came with age as it used to be i thought i needed everyones approval..that was to much like work though.

_____________________________

viperess slave of BlackTarnHeart
heart and chain sister to velvetvixen68

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Why do we care what others think? - 4/6/2007 3:05:45 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		My business is just that.  I have two gorups of people in my life....Friends (a chosen few) and acquaintances...Everyone else....I haven't looked for approval...But I do value the relationships...And this is just one aspect of my being that is private and shared with very few.

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RE: Why do we care what others think? - 4/6/2007 3:26:59 PM   
his2pet


Posts: 23
Joined: 4/1/2007
Status: offline 		No, I do not care what others think of my choices inside or outside of the lifestyle.  That being said, I do care who knows but only on a professional level.  As with most of what we do there are serious consequences both within our professional lives and within the constraints of law  Not to mention religion or politics.  Individually people can take my choices and accept them or the the hell with them.  I do not judge others based upon their chosen lifestyle but by the people they are.  So I accept nothing less from others in my life.

his2pet

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Why do we care what others think? - 4/6/2007 3:31:04 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		~Fast Reply~
 
Thank you for everyone who responded. Different viewpoints are always appreciated. I think I identify most with MasterFire and LA, but both on different levels.
 
This really isn't a matter of accepting myself. I did that a long time ago, and it was painful and beautiful all at the same time.
 
I'm not sure I could ever get the the point where I never check the mirror before I leave the house. Maybe that's vanity, but I choose to think of it as self-awareness...besides, what if my fly was down?
 
There's no real answer to this question, only our own personal truths...I was just looking for some outside input, so thank you all.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

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RE: Why do we care what others think? - 4/6/2007 5:00:29 PM   
arayofsunshine55


Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline 		Oh I'm plenty plenty vain.  I like being looked at and making a splash.   But to me that is a different question than caring what other bdsmers think of my stuff with Daddy.

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Why do we care what others think? - 4/6/2007 5:05:08 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		I can certainly appreciate your POV, I was merely answering unsung's question. Besides...making a splash just feels right sometimes.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to arayofsunshine55)
Profile   Post #: 40
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