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RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/8/2007 4:12:52 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Most people retain control over something about themselves. Do they decide when to go to the bathroom, when to walk across the room and get a cup of water, do they decide to watch on TV, when to surf the internet. In D/s we make up an agreement when we release control over ourselves to another. Either as we go along or when we embark on our journey we decide which spheres of influence we release control over... some of us have dominants that decide they do not want to control when we use the bathroom or drink water. Other people have dominants that decide they do not want to control orgasms or career. Others decide they want their submissive person to work, others decide they want her home... it is all between the two what spheres of influence and control are going to be given up.

Now I do not know how I can withhold control unless I agreed to give something up and he agreed to control it. I know that he has told me that there will be something that he will demand I give control over to him when he decides it is time.... so far we have not reached that time. It was something I felt some resistence to before that I do not feel anymore. I agreed to give control over this a long time ago... he has yet to take it. He probably will soon enough. I think that is possibly one of the things about his dominance that I most appreciate, his knowingness when to go in whatever direction he chooses, and that there is a time for everything. I think the most amazing part of this journey is my offering to yield control to things he has not even requested from me. That is how it works with us...

This was a hard post to write, I hope it was not confusing.

_____________________________

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(in reply to curiouslyseeking)
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RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/8/2007 4:21:41 PM   
Obsidiansnamaste


Posts: 266
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Greetings curiously,

i can recall having issue with not wanting to express my feelings about issues for fear of  feeling like i was getting out of my place. However, Master corrected this by instructing me that as Master He must have all the facts and all necessary information in order to make His decision. It is not mine to decide if the information i have should be relevant or not. mine is to aid and to give Him all i have including my opinions (when asked for), my insights etc; so that He can make the best decision.

Another thing is sometimes the desire to be pleasing can contradict the directive of obedience in a slaves mind. An example would be the slave who does not express her thoughts or concerns for fear of not being pleasing even while knowing that the Owners directive is one of transparency and open communication. This is also a form of control.

_____________________________

Always in His service,

~Master Obsidians namaste
http://houseobsidian.wordpress.com
http://his-namaste.livejournal.com

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RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/8/2007 7:28:50 PM   
curiouslyseeking


Posts: 924
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

The big one for me was in not asking for what I wanted.  In not asking, I was already making the decision that I would not get it, therefore retaining the authority over whether the want was fulfilled or not. 

I am not referring to hinting about what I want either.  I am not allowed to hint or beat around the bush.  If I want something, I am required to ask directly.  He ignores hints.

Knight's kyra


Exactly, kyraofMists...
 
You found the street I was trying to describe and learn more from other submissives.
 
And once a submissive realizes and relates this type of "hanging on",. then , she/he can make huge strides on their journey of surrender.
 
Thank you for responding,
~curious~


_____________________________

"The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose to have no choice"


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RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/8/2007 7:42:41 PM   
curiouslyseeking


Posts: 924
Joined: 1/11/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: raevnn

I also 'decide' that I might be bothering him by singing or talking or laughing... so I don't.
Finally, I still have a lovely habit of trying to punish myself if I think I've done something bad.

All of them are ways I'm trying to keep control of things. And all of them are very disappointing to Daddy. They make it seem as though I don't trust/want him to have control of certain things. It makes him angry and/or sad. It causes him to not want to exert any power or control over me.

It's rather damaging to the wellbeing of our relationship... which is why I try very hard not to let it happen. As Kyra does, I try to ask for things directly so that the decision is left up to Daddy...

It's still a struggle for me, but i think I'm getting a little better at it.

Thank you for this thread - I'll be watching it for other people's thoughts :)


You hit gold, raevnn,
 
When we "decide" these things on our own, is hanging on to the control.
 
You gave great examples, ones I'm sure others as well as myself can learn and grow from.
 
Thank you,
~curious~

_____________________________

"The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose to have no choice"


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RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/8/2007 8:03:04 PM   
curiouslyseeking


Posts: 924
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub

The  realization is your own personal understanding of yourself as you continually develop, becoming aware ,both consciously and subconsciously of your motivations, reasonings,and perceptions...self reflection and actualization...difficult for all... D or/s....Tempting


Very well said, Tempting;
 
In these realizations that you describe is where we will see the most growth.
 
Thank you,
~curious~

_____________________________

"The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose to have no choice"


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RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/8/2007 8:19:35 PM   
curiouslyseeking


Posts: 924
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KeirasSecret

I have also been convicted of anticipating his next move in sessions. Probably holding feelings back also, I seem to get caught somewhere between not wanting to be a whine baby, not knowing if I have a right to feel that way, and being worried that what I have to say will come out wrong.

I am sure there are more; even some I do at this time that I just haven’t figured out that’s what I’m doing. It is not always easy for me to know what is "being helpful to the cause", and what is "retaining control" until I've been given a different perspective.

Be well,



Thank you, KeirasSecret..
 
You are correct, we continuously try to "figure" out how we are hanging on to control to reach deeper into our submission.
 
You gave some more great examples.   Anticipation of moves is one I have not thought of in this list, but you are correct.
 
Always,
~curious~

_____________________________

"The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose to have no choice"


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RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/8/2007 8:22:08 PM   
curiouslyseeking


Posts: 924
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

Once I did that, I kid you not, my slavery to him turned into the biggest joy of my life.  The struggle was gone.  The angst disappeared and the demons never came back.  Now we are on a much different level than we previously were.  He recognizes my slavery for what it truly is to him now, and the result is a deeper connection between both of us. 


Thank you ownedgirlie,
 
Some of us are still striving for this ah-ha lightbulb connection moment.
 
Going to the light,
~curious~

_____________________________

"The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose to have no choice"


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RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/8/2007 8:25:30 PM   
curiouslyseeking


Posts: 924
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: unsung

I can only speak from my one real experience: holding control had nothing to do with maintaining what may have been considered a power struggle


Agreed, unsung..
 
This hanging on to control has nothing to do with a power struggle.  It's going in the direction that the Dominant and submissive want to go, but something within us for whatever reason, hangs on...
 
For example, "not wanting to bother" syndrome, which I am highly guilty of.
 
Thank you,
~curious~

_____________________________

"The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose to have no choice"


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RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/8/2007 8:29:10 PM   
curiouslyseeking


Posts: 924
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lilsquaw

girls has found that she maintains control of herself for fear of Master not reaching Heis ultimate goals.  In most instances, girl finds out that she has actually inhibited Him from enjoying Himself.  That has been one of my biggest lessons. 


Thank you lilsquaw for responding.
 
I'm having a little trouble understanding what it means of  fear of  your Master not reaching his ultimate goals...
 
Please help me understand...there could be a lesson in this for more of us.
 
Thank you,
~curious~

_____________________________

"The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose to have no choice"


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RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/8/2007 8:32:43 PM   
curiouslyseeking


Posts: 924
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

Every time I think I've let go of some of the controls of my life, he introduces me to another facet and I find I have to conduct the journey all over again to let go of another area of control I didn't think I had.

It's what makes the process interesting. It's what keeps me growing. And ultimately, it's what keeps him interested.

We're in the middle of that right now. I fought it - hard. I didn't realize until today just how hard I was trying to maintain some semblence of control over my life. He just grins a lot and waits for me to realize what I'm doing.

juliet


Greetings julietsierra;
 
I'm smiling...you are correct, it is an ongoing process, which is why I love to call it a journey or an adventure.
 
And I think it's wonderful when the Dominants wait for us to catch up
 
Respectfully,
~curious~

_____________________________

"The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose to have no choice"


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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/8/2007 8:34:39 PM   
curiouslyseeking


Posts: 924
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

More perhaps because in the opening is the struggle and that shows how much work we are willing to do for the ones we love.


I love this, Celeste43....thank you for sharing.
 
~curious~


_____________________________

"The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose to have no choice"


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RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/8/2007 8:38:58 PM   
curiouslyseeking


Posts: 924
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania


Now I do not know how I can withhold control unless I agreed to give something up and he agreed to control it. 

This was a hard post to write, I hope it was not confusing.


You did well in verbalizing, juliaoceania~ as usual~
 
This was a hard thread to start because it requires some in depth thought at holding on to control that is not quite so obvious at times.
 
You are correct, this is about the avenue of both of you going the same way, you want to give up control and the Dominant wants it, but sometimes, just inner struggles make you  "hang on"..
 
Thank you,
~curious~

_____________________________

"The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose to have no choice"


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RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/8/2007 8:42:01 PM   
curiouslyseeking


Posts: 924
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Obsidiansnamaste

Another thing is sometimes the desire to be pleasing can contradict the directive of obedience in a slaves mind.

An example would be the slave who does not express her thoughts or concerns for fear of not being pleasing even while knowing that the Owners directive is one of transparency and open communication. This is also a form of control.


Greetings Obsidiansnamaste,
 
You are correct, it's ironic because being pleasing can be a motivating factor for hanging on to control.  A great perspective that you've shared.
 
Thank you,
~curious~



_____________________________

"The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose to have no choice"


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RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/8/2007 8:46:45 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		"Letting go" is a struggle for me.  This doesn't come from the will to defy or have the control, but rather from different fears and apprehensions that start to take hold.


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marie.


I give good agita.









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RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/8/2007 9:13:53 PM   
curiouslyseeking


Posts: 924
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

"Letting go" is a struggle for me.  This doesn't come from the will to defy or have the control, but rather from different fears and apprehensions that start to take hold.



Exactly, marieToo,
 
It's not about power struggle, but an inner struggle as you so well stated, caused by different fears and apprehensions that fuel "hanging on".
 
Thank you,
~curious~

_____________________________

"The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose to have no choice"


(in reply to marieToo)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/8/2007 9:49:37 PM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		i believe my "letting go" gradually began once i was collared by Daddy. i did before being collared release some control to Him however i had difficulty understanding that it would have to be all or nothing. i wasn't use to someone choosing and deciding things for me. i'm very independent, strong-willed person and was raised to be that way since i was 5yrs old. He knew that it would take me longer adapting to this way at the beginning stage of my submissiveness. it didn't take me long to realize the more i tried to resist the more i would make mistakes. i suppose i was afraid of needing someone like Daddy to guide and assist my life. plus trust also played a major role too since He promised to take care of me - that promise of a lifetime committment terrified me. then one day, i knew i was ready to surrender completely to Him and ever since that day, i've felt free and worry less now.

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...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

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RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/8/2007 9:56:18 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: curiouslyseeking

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

Once I did that, I kid you not, my slavery to him turned into the biggest joy of my life.  The struggle was gone.  The angst disappeared and the demons never came back.  Now we are on a much different level than we previously were.  He recognizes my slavery for what it truly is to him now, and the result is a deeper connection between both of us. 


Thank you ownedgirlie,
 
Some of us are still striving for this ah-ha lightbulb connection moment.
 
Going to the light,
~curious~


Curious,

There was a lot of work and more than two years behind the scenes before reaching that moment when the last big hurdle was removed.  Don't stop reaching for it; it really is within one's grasp. :)

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/8/2007 10:12:26 PM   
curiouslyseeking


Posts: 924
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

Curious,

There was a lot of work and more than two years behind the scenes before reaching that moment when the last big hurdle was removed.  Don't stop reaching for it; it really is within one's grasp. :)


Greetings, ownedgirlie,
 
We all need encouraging at some point on our journey.
 
Thank you,
~curious~

_____________________________

"The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose to have no choice"


(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/9/2007 3:34:33 AM   
BoundDragon


Posts: 265
Joined: 3/20/2007
Status: offline 		I am in the sitation where we fell in love first and only now we are starting along the journey with me submitting.
This means that I trust him so fully and openly and nothing is hidden.... usually emotions take over and I couldnt hide anything even if I tried. I lose myself in him and the moment so control like that goes out the window/

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/9/2007 6:33:58 AM   
curiouslyseeking


Posts: 924
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline 		Greetings to everyone..
 
The responses and examples thus far have been great.  I'm certainly taking the introspective route and looking at areas I may be holding on to control and not letting go.
 
Adding an addtional twist now;
 
I believe the consensus of the thread is that we all want to be found pleasing and on the road to submission/surrender....
 
At what point is taking initiative and/or "deciding" what he needs is hanging on to control?  This could be as simple as a massage...or as complex as your relationship will allow.
 
What is your personal measuring stick for gauging crossing the line of hanging on to control or positive initiative?
 
Always,
~curious~

_____________________________

"The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose to have no choice"


(in reply to BoundDragon)
Profile   Post #: 40
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