RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go

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RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/9/2007 7:34:17 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: curiouslyseeking
What is your personal measuring stick for gauging crossing the line of hanging on to control or positive initiative?

Always,
~curious~

The most clear way is simply to tell him straight up "I want to give you a massage, how do you feel about that?"

The root of this is withholding- if you're open about it all, you can't be withholding, therefore you don't have to worry about hanging onto things.

Secondly, ask yourself whether you're doing this because you feel happy, or because you feel insecure? Most subs fall into this trap when their dom is having a bad day and they want to make it all better- even if the dom has told them to leave them alone for awhile. The sub feels insecure because they can't 'fix it' and partly usually because as females, they don't understand working something out WITHOUT talking it out. So they push the issue due to their own insecurities, despite direct orders from the dom. If you're doing it because you feel insecure, then you need to bring up and work on that insecurity directly.

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Post #: 41

RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/9/2007 7:44:00 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: curiouslyseeking

At what point is taking initiative and/or "deciding" what he needs is hanging on to control? This could be as simple as a massage...or as complex as your relationship will allow.

One rule of thumb I always had - "When in doubt, ask the Master."

In the early days of my service to him, I never took it upon myself to just do something for him; he may not have wanted it, or maybe he didn't want it done that way, etc. I would always ask. "Master, would you like a massage?" or "Master, may I massage you?" Now, I know there are certain things he really enjoys regardless of time/place/mood, and I know he enjoys when I spontaneously do them for him.

Nothing I do for him has "my control" on it. I do only those things I am certain he approves of, and always with his pleasure in mind. It's not deciding what he needs, in my case. It's wanting him to feel good and offering something I know he would enjoy.

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Post #: 42

RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/9/2007 8:20:29 AM

curiouslyseeking

Posts: 924
Joined: 1/11/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Secondly, ask yourself whether you're doing this because you feel happy, or because you feel insecure? Most subs fall into this trap when their dom is having a bad day and they want to make it all better- even if the dom has told them to leave them alone for awhile. The sub feels insecure because they can't 'fix it' and partly usually because as females, they don't understand working something out WITHOUT talking it out. So they push the issue due to their own insecurities, despite direct orders from the dom. If you're doing it because you feel insecure, then you need to bring up and work on that insecurity directly.

Greetings LA,

I don't believe I would ever have tied in insecurities with intiative and/or deciding on doing something for the Dominant, a very interesting perspective and I do see your point.

Thank you for your response,
~curious~

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Post #: 43

RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/9/2007 11:43:05 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: curiouslyseeking
At what point is taking initiative and/or "deciding" what he needs is hanging on to control? This could be as simple as a massage...or as complex as your relationship will allow.

What is your personal measuring stick for gauging crossing the line of hanging on to control or positive initiative?

Hello curious... I like your questions; they are fun to answer.

If I am deciding what he needs without that decision being delegated to my by him, then I am retaining authority in the relationship. Taking initiative is not necessarily making a decision about what he needs. I take initiative by asking what he wants/needs rather than waiting for him to tell me. I cross the line when I make an assumption about what his will is and act on that assumption. Doing something to try and be helpful without finding out if that is what he wants or needs is crossing the line.

If I can answer what, when, where and how without making any assumptions, then I have not crossed the line.

Knight's kyra

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Post #: 44

RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/9/2007 12:20:24 PM

curiouslyseeking

Posts: 924
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: curiouslyseeking
At what point is taking initiative and/or "deciding" what he needs is hanging on to control? This could be as simple as a massage...or as complex as your relationship will allow.

What is your personal measuring stick for gauging crossing the line of hanging on to control or positive initiative?

quote:

Hello curious... I like your questions; they are fun to answer.

A warm smiling hello back, kyra....what a nice compliment....thank you. I also enjoy your interactions on the boards.

quote:

If I am deciding what he needs without that decision being delegated to my by him, then I am retaining authority in the relationship. Taking initiative is not necessarily making a decision about what he needs. I take initiative by asking what he wants/needs rather than waiting for him to tell me.

This is an awesome descriptive definition of initiative!

quote:

I cross the line when I make an assumption about what his will is and act on that assumption. Doing something to try and be helpful without finding out if that is what he wants or needs is crossing the line. If I can answer what, when, where and how without making any assumptions, then I have not crossed the line.

This is a great measuring stick or checkpoint about initiative.

Thank you for responding,
~curious~

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Post #: 45

RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/9/2007 2:23:56 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: curiouslyseeking
At what point is taking initiative and/or "deciding" what he needs is hanging on to control? This could be as simple as a massage...or as complex as your relationship will allow.

What is your personal measuring stick for gauging crossing the line of hanging on to control or positive initiative?

The only *positive initiative* I take is to ask if M would like a refill of coffee if his mug is empty.

I don't think about his needs, wants or desires. That's up to him. If he wants something a certain way, he'll make it a certain way and I just rest in that and am *myself*.

If his needs, wants and desires require me to be doing something, he just says so. It's comfortable and uncomplicated.

agirl

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Post #: 46

RE: Hanging On~Not Letting Go - 4/9/2007 2:33:54 PM

littleone35

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Joined: 2/17/2005
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I can only think of one time i did. he asked me to get into a position and i really did not want to i was tired so i did not do it(i ended up doing it anyway). Now if he wants me to get in a position and i am uncomfortable about it i do it then voice my concerns.

As to my wants, if i want something i ask Master if i get it or not is of course his choice.

Matt's littleone

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Post #: 47