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Crash bang whallop - 4/9/2007 12:01:57 PM

canupleaseme

Posts: 775
Joined: 7/9/2006
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I'm sure I am opening myself up to somthing here but I just wanted some input of other mistresses about a situation that happened for me this week.

My boy came home after being away a month and we had a session. I had been planning it all month and it all went perfectly. For the whole weekend it was just perfect. And then suddenly it all just crashed! I cant find the right words to describe it. Getting into "Dommespace" isnt something I have noticed before I just love playing. But this time when it all suddenly stopped and we didnt do our usual snuggly bit after or chatting I just found it so hard to deal with

For two days it felt like I was having a massive come down off coke or something. I dont know how else to describe it!! Tearful, snappy, slightly paranoid and just awful. It lasted about two days and by that time we were so spun out with each other we were barely talking!!!

What the hell happened Ive never experienced this before. All is good now between us and we have spoken about how to make sure this doesnt happen again or at least to try and prevent it by having a proper finish to a session. None of it was done intentionally. I just feel so freaked out by it all!!!

Is this normal ? Or am i turning into a crazy pervert lol

edited for bad spelling lol

< Message edited by canupleaseme -- 4/9/2007 12:03:11 PM >

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RE: Crash bang whallop - 4/9/2007 12:14:20 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

Sounds like you hit "Domdrop". I think it comes from the big build up after not having seen each other for so long. You play, you enjoy and have fun and then it hits you...Your brain realizes that your time has come and gone and it maybe awhile before you see your sub again. I think its alot like subdrop only this effects Dom/mes. You get irritable, depressed and snappy. I know I've done it before because my sub and I only see each other once a month now. But I've learned to deal with it by enjoying our time together, keeping busy and planning for our next weekend.

Good luck,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to canupleaseme)

Post #: 2

RE: Crash bang whallop - 4/9/2007 12:17:39 PM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

Maybe you've experienced the same sort of thing as sub drop, just on the Domme side.
I'd search the threads about sub drop for pointers.
Maybe you were so gassed up about seeing your sub and playing with him once you played it just made you crash instead of coming down from the play high slowly.
Take good care of yourself physically.
Eat right, get lots of fluids & vitamin c & try to get some rest.
This will pass & things will get back to normal soon.
At least you're commmunicating with your sub.
That is important at times like this.
Good Luck,
suzanne

(in reply to canupleaseme)

Post #: 3

RE: Crash bang whallop - 4/9/2007 12:21:13 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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Yes, most definately it has happened. I used to be involved with a girl that lived a distance away, about a 2.5 hour drive. Just far enough that spending time together during the week wasn't going to work but close enough to spend alot of weekends together.

It was with her that I really began exploring all this yummy D/s stuff. Granted, we were both pretty ignorant but we did know one another really well. Had gotten way past all the new relationship stuff and even survived some really major relationship crap. BUT, we were totally unprepared for the intensity of stuff that came after some of our explorations. One of the big difficulties was the late Sunday or early Monday seperations too soon after the play. There were times that I don't think either one of us felt back in balance until the end of the week. I look back and laugh now, we were flying so blindly. Several times it was a vicious circle. Meet up again Friday night, spend the night and next day getting back on track, by Saturday night or Sunday we would be feeling fiesty again, get crazy then have to say good bye. Leaving one another floundering around in the dark with the emotional baggage. It was a good thing we already had a good foundation or we would have killed each other. Even now when we talk we occasionally laugh about those days.

All that being said, it was just another learning experience. One of the reasons I won't do long distance stuff. I need to have them closeby and be sure everything is okay.

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RE: Crash bang whallop - 4/9/2007 12:22:43 PM

canupleaseme

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Joined: 7/9/2006
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Thanks Lashra, ive have had a time before when somthing went wrong in a scene and it panicked me but this time was just crazy lol. Everything was just perfect till this one thing just cracked it. Now I am aware of it though we shall be making sure we are better prepared for after care this time!!!
Whilst I wouldnt wish it on anyone its reasuring to hear it happens to other people too

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RE: Crash bang whallop - 4/9/2007 12:25:59 PM

canupleaseme

Posts: 775
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline

Latigresse and Onestandingstill Thankyou both for your messages.. I never thought about the distance factor or any factor really when it happened it just span me right out !!
Communication is definatly the key and I felt so much better when I had stopped being mardy and finally went and told him how I was feeling.

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RE: Crash bang whallop - 4/9/2007 4:26:35 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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Tops needs aftercare too or at the very less they need the time and space and routine to get out of the scene space back to mundane space.

I'd think of this as a good example of why you will want to make sure you have that aftercare time built into your plans.

Even if it's just the bottom has to call you the next day to say "that was great, thanks" -- plan something for yourself.

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 4/9/2007 4:27:33 PM >

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to canupleaseme)

Post #: 7

RE: Crash bang whallop - 4/9/2007 5:08:16 PM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

As the others have said, you experienced Dom/me drop. It's the same thing as sub drop, only experienced by the Dominant partner. Many describe it like you did.. coming off of a drug high. And literally that is what it is. In an intense or emotional scene, cortisol and adrenaline flood the bloodstream and your body releases catecholamines (a neurotransmitter that suppress the part of the brain responsible for short-term memory, concentration, inhibition, and rational thought.) You're reacting to a stressor, even if it is one you enjoy and have sought out. ( BTW, Adrenaline overload, or flooding as it is called, can be a problem even during a scene and is oft times the culprit when a sub loses the ability to speak. http://www.ncsc.info/newsletter/jun2004/flooding.htm You may want to have your sub read [after you've read it of course] http://www.pursuitwatch.org/stories/adrenaline.htm which talks about dealing with flooding via "combat/tactical breathing." You can also help reduce the problem by making your sub perform an activity, such as jumping jacks as part of the scene. The activity helps reduce the level of adrenalin. And here you thought some people were just being weird when they made their subs do stuff like that in scene. LoL)

Aftercare gives us a place to process the chemical after effects of a scene. Being in a safe and secure environment helps purge the chemicals that cause the symptoms of drop. When aftercare is not done, or the scene was especially intense (for either a physical or emotional reason) the chemicals remain in your blood stream for a while. You can hasten their going by doing things that make you feel safe and secure. Often times, just reconnecting with your partner can accomplish this. If your partner is not available, you can work to "be nice to yourself" with pampering candle lit baths, pedicures or whatever else makes you happy.

The bottom line is.. aftercare can be extremely important. If you don't get it from your partner for whatever reason, plan to do something for yourself very soon. Go home and spend the night pampering yourself, or better yet, have a spa day or head to the gym. Work those chemicals out of your system.

Here are a few links on drop and after care. The first two specifically mention Top/Dominant drop as well as sub drop.

http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/jerseyaftercare.htm
http://web.archive.org/web/20040622033041/http://www.twoheartsonesoul.com/subdrop.htm
http://www.iron-rose.com/IR/docs/aftercare.htm
http://web.archive.org/web/20050308232449/http://www.domsview.com/issue20/feature20a.htm
http://www.thedsgarden.com/library/sub_drop.htm

< Message edited by BeachMystress -- 4/9/2007 5:13:09 PM >

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*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
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(in reply to canupleaseme)

Post #: 8

RE: Crash bang whallop - 4/9/2007 5:13:57 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

Sounds like you had everything but the intimacy.

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Post #: 9

RE: Crash bang whallop - 4/9/2007 5:29:46 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress

Thank you for such an informative post!

Cheers,

Sea

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Post #: 10

RE: Crash bang whallop - 4/9/2007 7:08:41 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

Sounds like you had everything but the intimacy.

Hello Canuplease, I have to agree with Lotus here. I have no problem with the concept of "sessions".
But I don't have "sessions", I have relationships.
I have never experienced what you speak of...I seek a LOVING, SERIOUS, committed relationship with a submissve male-
ONLY.
I don't knock "sessions", but I am not into them nor seeking to start becoming involved in them.
Unless I am getting paid $$$$ or tributes, I don't see why I would be doing "sessions".
I hope you feel better soon. Let us know how the relationship is progressing.

< Message edited by MzMia -- 4/9/2007 7:10:14 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 11

RE: Crash bang whallop - 4/9/2007 7:57:44 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

Excellent post and I'm going to forward it to my sub so he can read it as well! Thanks so much for it and I plan to check out that link.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 12

RE: Crash bang whallop - 4/9/2007 10:53:28 PM

canupleaseme

Posts: 775
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline

Mzmia I desribed it as a session because we dont play D/s 24/4 I just knew he was coming for the week and upto yet we dont have much time to play when he is here due to U.M and things and I knew I had a weekend um free so we decided to play 24/7 for the weekend I'm not sure how else to describe it, it wasnt like pro work just grabbing a rare opportunity to play

The relationship is going really well.
When we talked about what happened we realised we both need to be aware of several things. And the problem arose becasue when he hasnt been allowed to cum for a while and then does he just loses all submissivness !! And while we were playing and I allowed him to cum the whole thing just crashed. I wasnt aware of this and he has tried hard to remain in that frame of mind when it happens but couldnt this time. Poor communication at the time on both our parts obviously didnt help, but as I saiid i havent ever played and felt like that after and so suddenly, so i was freaking out while he just was happy and content falling asleep!!
I have to be honest Mzmia I have never been so happy, being in a D/s relationship thats loving and commited has so far been great, hardwork but great. This situation worried me because it was so intense how I felt after.
I wish you luck finding someone.

Lotus your right this is the only time I havent had the initmacy we usually have after playing. That looking back was definatly a problem for me.

Beach Thankyou so much for the links. I feel so much better now about it all having read that and i have forwarded it to him to read too !! I guess If this happens again for some reason and i cant get what I need from my boy then I will treat myself and make sure I give myself time to come down properly rather than crash out again.

I really appreciate everyones input. And I'm so glad i'm not just going crazy lol

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RE: Crash bang whallop - 4/10/2007 12:30:07 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

whoops.. posted to the wrong thread..

< Message edited by BeachMystress -- 4/10/2007 12:37:36 AM >

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Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to canupleaseme)

Post #: 14

RE: Crash bang whallop - 4/10/2007 8:20:54 AM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

{{{Canuplease}}} you are such a sweetheart! I am formally apologizing for that post, I re-read
it and found it rather harsh. You are quite a lady to take it so nicely. You are indeed in a relationship,
and on second thought, having "sessions" is a nice way to put it. I am not to proud to admit I made a
mistake, nor to apologize. Of course, you can be in a serious relationship and have and plan sessions.
I often plan sessions, but I guess I just call it time spent together. Tomatoes or tomatoes, same concept.

I am glad you are so happy with your "boy", I know time spent together is precious for you.
Males can be strange creatures and I guess he is just enjoying his subspace right after it happens.
Though I am a mild sadist, and still learning, I tend to desire and seek service/sensual/and a love slave,
soooooooooo many of the items on my SubbyWillDoList include
activities that make MzMia feel real good.

You would be surprised by what having someone clean your house
and then giving you oral/foot/and body worship
can do to lift your spirits!

*especially with him in a chastity belt**
I am here to announce having a man clean your house and worhship your body {sex slave} can be a fucking blast.
I have a job and life that is demanding and when I see my submissive I enjoy play, but Mia does not seek another "job".
If I am not happy and relaxed when he leaves, something is going wrong. IMHO
I often don't see much here on the joys of chastity or cooking and cleaning but I plan on posting a few threads on chastity belts.

I loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee chastity belts!! very very good thing!

There are soooooooooooooooooo many
activities that can go on in this lifestyle, and someone worshipping me and my body is at the top of the MiaDoMeSubbyDoList!

You are the Dominant and I tell you if Momma aint happy, aint no body else going to be happy either up in this camp.
Floggings, CBT, caning, spanking, and etc. is fine, but at the fucking end of the day you will be worshipping me from head to toe,
including long full body massages. I have several books on the art of massage with illustrations and believe me, subbies can be taught
to give professional massages along with all the other training. If a submissive can't give me a great massage, or pay for me to get one
his ass is out the door.
Make that boy worship your body for a few hours, and there will be no more Domina drop!
Except the sadness when he has to leave.

Have fun and hugs from across the Atlantic Ocean!!!

< Message edited by MzMia -- 4/10/2007 8:42:43 AM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to canupleaseme)

Post #: 15

RE: Crash bang whallop - 4/10/2007 8:29:18 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Maybe you could save the orgasm then until after the scene? Incorporate it into your aftercare?

Again, I'm a freak in freaky relationship. Fox gets more submissive post orgasm as has any of the folks I've trained or owned. Must be a vibe I send out.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to canupleaseme)

Post #: 16

RE: Crash bang whallop - 4/10/2007 10:45:19 AM

Jasmyn

Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline

Canupleaseme ... through your posts, I have read as your relationship has grown, as you have learned about and challenged yourself, not just as a lover and partner, but a Fem Dom as well, and in turn learning about the man you love... so am extremely glad to read you both have managed to deal with this new kind of crash bang whallop experience and love each other still.

His falling asleep in post orgasm contentment could be one of few things ... first I would considered him being tired ...along with the release of all the anticipation of the weekend of play suddenly coming ('cuse the pun) to a head... but the last thing I would consider excusable or even plausible is "loses all submissiveness" after orgasm.

To me that's just screams cop out ... I'm not wanting to insult your boy, or anyone else's who claims the same ...but it's not a phenomenon I buy into. Mostly because it is too easy a reason to blame ...

For sure, the age old complaint of men being disinterested after orgasm, leaving frustrated women across the land ...is nothing new ... but it isn't a phenomenon of the male submissive... yet through myth and generalisation it has become a 'thing' of the submissive male ... yet men, dom, sub, switch, vanilla, virgin, manwhore, whatever...all do it ...

Let him know you get it, you get that this is largely a guy thing ...but it's fake and lazy and wrong to be using it as an excuse for lack of submissiveness... submission is a choice...subservience is in the mind, not in the penis...besides the last thing you want him to be doing is beating himself up thinking he is a bad or useless or not a real submissive or whatever mind trip he might play on himself ...and you don't need to be playing mind trips on yourself (if you are) that your position as his Dom needs to be questioned or anything like that ..

Don't let the incident pass though ... it's his responsibility ...if he's tired, he needs to let you know ..or take measures to combat being tired ... but never, never accept the excuse men are less submissive after an orgasm ...

It's nearly sunrise here and I know I can ramble when I haven't got my beauty sleep..but I hope you can make some sense out of what I've said.

Sorry your weekend went askew ... next time, can I suggest ... you allow him an orgasm at the beginning and one at the end ...and if he is extremely good ... maybe just maybe one in between ... when he is at his most alert, awake, bright eyed and bushy tailed ...

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"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place." Mistress Jasmyn Jan 2005.

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Post #: 17

RE: Crash bang whallop - 4/10/2007 11:03:01 AM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

Might I ask IF there is any reason he must orgasm at all? Am I the only one that enjoys chastity belts?
Where is it in the Domina manual the submissive must orgasm?
Here is one of my all time favoritie links!

Making Him Your Dream Man: Male Chastity FAQ

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to Jasmyn)

Post #: 18

RE: Crash bang whallop - 4/10/2007 12:45:38 PM

Lorelei115

Posts: 1933
Joined: 8/16/2006
From: Sin City
Status: offline

*Thread Hijack*

MzMia, that is an awesome link! I was giggling the whole way through. Thanks for sharing!

*End thread hijack*

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A sucessful life is not measured by what we do
But by the realization
Of who we are.

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 19

RE: Crash bang whallop - 4/10/2007 2:58:37 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Tops needs aftercare too or at the very less they need the time and space and routine to get out of the scene space back to mundane space.

I'd think of this as a good example of why you will want to make sure you have that aftercare time built into your plans.

Even if it's just the bottom has to call you the next day to say "that was great, thanks" -- plan something for yourself.

Tammyjo, you have the amazing ability to say exactly the right thing sometimes for the situation. If you wouldn't have beat Me to it, I would have said the same thing.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 20

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