RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit?

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit? - 4/10/2007 8:30:03 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

No, this isn't some kind of advertisement, but a long-winded way to ask a question: When do you stop trying to better yourself? By the same token, when does bettering yourself to make yourself a better person for someone else stop being for that reason and end up being a personal satisfaction goal for oneself? And for those who do set off on a journey to better oneself, what continues to motivate you, and is there really a purpose behind doing it, or are we all just Platonic cogs in the wheel pushing forth some self-satisfaction process that really caters only to a continuous process that doesn't get us anywhere but back to the beginning where we ask Socratic questions of ourselves?

I think particularly when you are single its better to focus on bettering yourself to the point of just bettering yourself, and if that helps in your search for a dominant its great. But I think that if you focus on bettering yourself to a hypothetical/nonexistent/possible dominant then you'll drive yourself nuts.

I don't think that there is a limit to bettering yourself because we are all human and thus flawed.

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 41

RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit? - 4/10/2007 8:39:45 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Wow. In my quest to make myself better, I learned to speak without an accent at 6. Became anglosized to the point I became "not one of those others", read every volume of the enclyclopedia, spent one hour a day learning 2 pages of the dictionary... Became an artist, a belly dancer, a bartender, a secretary, a boss and a perpetual student with 5 degrees. And I was told by the first man that mattered, I was too, stuffy, too educated, too.. "Diane Chambers (Cheers)"
My reaction? I learned slang, learned to ride a motorcycle and cussed for the first time in my life.
And still, I was not good enough.
I have five degrees now. I own a business. I no longer cuss, or use much slang. There is still a pull inside me to be perfect for someone, but I have the fear that will never happen. That fear also drives a need to fail. In spite of what I have accomplished, I have deliberately (though unconsciously) blocked my efforts to become successful.
Maybe our need is not so much to be the best we can be for someone else. Maybe it is that inside we don't feel we are good enough, period. "If I only did A, then I might be ok. If I could just achieve B, then someone would find value to me."
I do think you can price yourself out of the market. It can intimidate someone who has insecurity on those avenues, even though they have other assets. I am sort of being ok with that. One can only be who they are and hope that some day you can find some peace with that.
As for me..
I guess it is time to write a book.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 42

RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit? - 4/10/2007 8:52:56 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

So what's this all about? No, this isn't some kind of advertisement, but a long-winded way to ask a question: When do you stop trying to better yourself?

Never. I try to be a better more well rounded person everyday

quote:

By the same token, when does bettering yourself to make yourself a better person for someone else stop being for that reason and end up being a personal satisfaction goal for oneself?

It was always for myself that I bettered myself, and being a better mate/submissive is for me too.

quote:

And for those who do set off on a journey to better oneself, what continues to motivate you, and is there really a purpose behind doing it, or are we all just Platonic cogs in the wheel pushing forth some self-satisfaction process that really caters only to a continuous process that doesn't get us anywhere but back to the beginning where we ask Socratic questions of ourselves?

I see myself as a creator and I create my life. It is the ultimate sort of personal responsibility in my opinion. I see life as process oriented, not a goal oriented thing. I enjoy learning. I enjoy personal growth, and life to me would be a very empty thing without learning and growth. I have no goals anymore, I just want to live and love.. being better as a result is just a given these days.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 43

RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit? - 4/10/2007 10:54:37 AM

aldompdx

Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline

Bettering "YOURSELF." Observe what you define as yourself. A master does not want a relationship with a diploma, cups of tea, a foreign language, a burned bra, etc. You have done nothing about your SELF, just your LIFE.

Bettering one's self, as a sub / servant / BDSM "slave," is about opening your heart and gaining inner awareness. Surrender is of the false ego identities of self as all those thing you list, and more. Surrender is of the false association with external objects as the source of love, which only arises and is felt within your very own heart.

A master does not want one who is giving to get. That is really taking. That is saying, "my heart is empty, please fill it; for I have no love to share with you." When you learn to radiate your own light of self love, then you will have something of truly great value to share with a partner.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 44

RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit? - 4/10/2007 1:31:56 PM

slcsub

Posts: 31
Joined: 4/9/2007
Status: offline

To the OP, I feel inclined to respond because I seem some similarities in our situations.

For the past several years I haven't felt fulfilled and presumed it was because there were things in my life that had to be addressed. Building my home, shifting into a new job responsibility, completing my MBA, etc. Yet after each of these accomplishments I still felt "empty." Eventually I began to consider that these tasks were simply a surrogate for avoiding what I really needed, which was to explore myself.

In a roundabout sort of way I think you may be feeling the same thing yet you're further ahead than I am on the Hierarchy of Needs. So where you see it as a problem I would submit that you've reached a level of self-actualization that not many people can get to.

Ultimately I feel there isn't a limit (to answer your original question) and bettering one's self is a laudable goal...but should not be the end-all, be-all goal unto itself. In your quest to prepare yourself to find the perfect Domme you may be placing yourself in a situation where you feel you are never "ready" as a defense mechanism. You'll never find that perfect Domme because you're never ready to look because you’re still trying to better yourself. It's a self-fulfilling cycle.

Somewhere you'll have to find a happy medium and just be who you are, for yourself and your partner. Always keep bettering yourself (IMO), just remember to stop and smell the roses on occasion.

Regards,
- don

(in reply to aldompdx)

Post #: 45

RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit? - 4/10/2007 1:41:02 PM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

In general, I don't think being in school helps you connect to people in the real world. So, it doesn't surprise me that all that schooling has coincided with your own social wheels spinning in the sand.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 46

RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit? - 4/10/2007 1:46:37 PM

LadyIce

Posts: 406
Joined: 7/4/2006
Status: offline

Education is fine for the right reasons. I have a friend that has been in and out of different schools for
years, with no real direction that I can see.
Some people go to school to avoid having to deal with life.

(in reply to cloudboy)

Post #: 47

RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit? - 4/10/2007 2:38:31 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

In general, I don't think being in school helps you connect to people in the real world. So, it doesn't surprise me that all that schooling has coincided with your own social wheels spinning in the sand.

There's a stereotype that people stay in university and keep getting degrees because they are afraid of the working world and pressures associated with it. I'm not sure whether or not that is true, but I would agree that limiting your social circles to better oneself could be considered counterproductive if during all this improvement time your social life, relationships with the opposite sex, dating, and sexuality were on hold.
A more cynical way to look at it would be to say if a man really wanted to invest in himself to help attract a future mate by making himself more desirable to a larger possible pool, the focus would be on investment strategy, physique, romance, lovemaking, flirting, and adventure/risk taking -- not booksmarts.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to cloudboy)

Post #: 48

RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit? - 4/10/2007 3:20:44 PM

iwannapullurhair

Posts: 283
Joined: 10/11/2005
Status: offline

Did all those degrees land you a great job? Wealth is always attractive.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 49

RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit? - 4/10/2007 3:33:30 PM

mixielicous

Posts: 1283
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: Boston area, Massachusetts
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

just another thought to add.... When do you become so qualified that you become overqualified and don't get the job.

thats why Mine dropped His PhD after the MS

_____________________________

"lets just say he's a few prawns short of a galaxy"

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 50

RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit? - 4/10/2007 9:47:11 PM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

In general, I don't think being in school helps you connect to people in the real world. So, it doesn't surprise me that all that schooling has coincided with your own social wheels spinning in the sand.

There's a stereotype that people stay in university and keep getting degrees because they are afraid of the working world and pressures associated with it. I'm not sure whether or not that is true, but I would agree that limiting your social circles to better oneself could be considered counterproductive if during all this improvement time your social life, relationships with the opposite sex, dating, and sexuality were on hold.
A more cynical way to look at it would be to say if a man really wanted to invest in himself to help attract a future mate by making himself more desirable to a larger possible pool, the focus would be on investment strategy, physique, romance, lovemaking, flirting, and adventure/risk taking -- not booksmarts.

Akasha

That's somewhat of a stereotype of the school environment. Some of us go to graduate school AND also live in the working world. We're not scared of that world.

_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me

http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 51

RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit? - 4/11/2007 12:49:20 AM

WhiplashSmile

Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

just another thought to add.... When do you become so qualified that you become overqualified and don't get the job.

I look at you brief post... and say.. great for you .. thinking that the right woman would think all this of you is rather great.

But then... how many Dominant Females out there are going to um be secure enough with all your um qualifications.

Did you price yourself out of the market just by being a better you?

This is an Excellent point, perhaps you are over selling yourself a little too much. To the point it discourages Dommes. At times it's not how much you know, or what you can do. Many people get too wrapped up in being a better person that they loose touch and focus with themselves. When you come off larger than life it can be very intemidating for many people. There are certain things I know how to do, or topics I know a lot about. However, I keep many of my skills and knowledge hidden and only pull it out when the timing is right.   People tend to enjoy or like small suprises as they discover you.

Try revealing a little more about your soul, how you feel and how you think. Instead of your skill set lists. If anything reveal the most important qualities about yourself. For instance how you seek to constantly improve yourself. Some times just learning a new language or learning a new skill does not mean you have grown as a person, just that you have learned more things to do.

Many people want to connect with the deep you, and could care less about reading tea leaves.   Save that for a later time. Save it for a moment when you are with somebody, and simply amaze them that you can do this.  They will come to appreciate your skills in time. First you need to connect with somebody on a deeper level.

In short don't be quick to brag about every single thing you can do.   People enjoy it more when you are talking less about yourself and asking them more questions.   If you are busy going on and on about yourself and are not taking the time to learn anything about the person you are talking with, this is a bad sign for failure.

I'm just tossing out my thoughts on this one.   People love it when you take the time to listen, ask questions and learn about them.   Probally the most important thing you can ever learn, is how to explore and learn about other people.   It's like music to their soul.   Give the other person a chance to ask you specific questions and answer. When you toss everything up front, you are robbing them of any chances of asking you questions. Open up slowly about your talents and what you can or can not do.

This is just my own 2 cents on the matter. I think KnightsOfMist might have hit this dead on the nail. This may or may not be something you want to hear or think about. However, it's something to consider.

Everybody here is simply trying their best to put their two cents of advice in to help you out.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 52

RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit? - 4/11/2007 1:47:51 AM

DocTSH

Posts: 109
Joined: 2/22/2007
Status: offline

Damn! Guess I cant gripe about having time to even balance my checkbook!

As long as you are "Bettering yourself" for you, there shouldn't be any limit except what you feel is enough. Personally I fell if you are not, then a person tends to grow stagnant.

_____________________________

Doc

At times like these, I think of Socrates who said, " I drank what?" -Real Genius

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 53

RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit? - 4/11/2007 1:53:27 AM

DullRazer

Posts: 14
Joined: 5/28/2006
Status: offline

Well, considering there are 3 pages of responses to this, and its 4:30 am, and I am tired... I skipped a fair amount of the posts, but I will answer as best I can.

quote:

When do you stop trying to better yourself? By the same token, when does bettering yourself to make yourself a better person for someone else stop being for that reason and end up being a personal satisfaction goal for oneself? And for those who do set off on a journey to better oneself, what continues to motivate you, and is there really a purpose behind doing it, or are we all just Platonic cogs in the wheel pushing forth some self-satisfaction process that really caters only to a continuous process that doesn't get us anywhere but back to the beginning where we ask Socratic questions of ourselves?

I suppose to best answer this, I have to give a quick synopsis. My life, up until a few years ago sucked. I was abused as a child, haven't seen my mom in 14 years, neglected, gre up in a poor, white trash family; none of which even graduated high school.

So, I was brought up and heard/learned all these statstics; you know the ones Im talking about. How x% of abused children wind up beating their wives, how x% of people from poor families wind up poor, etc. etc. Well, it always infuriated me. I got mad, because people who didn't even KNOW I existed just... 'categorized' me.

I was a brilliant youth, relatively. The school offered to promote me to 6th grade while I was still in 3rd, which my parents refused. At any rate... once I got to high school, and became more aware of these statistics, and the importance complete strangers placed on them, the more I was determined to prove them wrong. (That's something about my personality... when someone says I *cant* do something, I have to do it... just to prove them wrong)

At any rate...I worked 3 jobs, literally from 5pm till 6 pm, went to school at 7, was captain of the tennis team, popular. I graduated in the top 10% of my class, etc. I went on to college, and am a semester ahead.

I say all this because... that was what drove me to better myself. To...transcend the supposed 'limits' that my environment and those around me placed upon me. I am not bitter about my past... but moreso... I feel as if I have something to prove. Everything I do... I do for me, to prove to myself that I *can* do it, and it is just a fortunate by-product that it proves people wrong.

As a result... my determination and will to better myself has led me to all sorts of deep soul searching, and consequent 'emotional' growths, and idealogical realizations, further enhancing my overall improvement.

So, to more accurately answer the question; the quest is essentially never-ending; because no one can truly become totally HAPPY with themselves, as 'pessimistic' as that sounds. Everyone ALWAYS wants something more, that is something that defines humans beyond that of simple animals.

My purpose... I suppose is to prove other people wrong... but, at the same time... to prove to *myself* that I could do it, that I could... somehow transcend my own 'limitations' to become.... something of an uber-mensch (Nietszche concept... wikipedia/look him up if ya wanna know more... way too detailed to get into here).
Its only when we loose sight of WHY we are bettering/improving ourselves that we become those 'cogs'

Anyway... I know this probably hardly answered the question; and if not- Im sorry. It IS 5:00 a.m.

< Message edited by DullRazer -- 4/11/2007 2:10:29 AM >

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 54

RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit? - 4/11/2007 2:54:39 AM

Lady Alaria

Posts: 160
Joined: 10/16/2006
Status: offline

I suppose the question of over qualification, bettering himself out of the market, comes down to how his expectations have changed along with his 'qualities'. If his expectations have risen unreasonably, or if there is an air of superiority that comes with all those accomplishments and added skills...then...he might be in trouble. If his learning has taught him some true humility, then they will put him in better stead.

As to the OP, and your question pertaining to platonic cogs in the wheel, I'd say you are having a bout of existential angst. "What is the point of it all?" Seems to be the curse of the artist/writer/philosophy types. I strongly suggest lots of fresh air, a change of scenery....maybe doing something daring(like AAkasha mentioned, adventurousness is sexy). Mostly just to clear the cobwebs. I bet you'll feel better.

In the end though, the question is moot. We act to better ourselves because motion and the feeling that we are 'doing good' tends to feel better than staying still. I think a buddhist would tell us we are just playing on the great ferris wheel of karma, but I -like- ferris wheels. If Plato, Socrates, or Buddha; or your mother, your father, your ex-girlfriend, or the opinions of anyone else who isn't a direct part of your life seems to be standing between you and enjoying this moment, right here...maybe let them go.

Because, really....you can't win. When the goal is an abstract such as 'bettering yourself', there is no endgame. The only way to feel good about the whole thing is to let go of the goal. And just let life happen. Strive because striving feels better than standing still. And take a few more risks, feel the wind in your hair...

Take chances on people who might not be perfect, say yes more often. Don't let all the things you've done for the purpose of better serving a mate stand in the way of you actually finding one. All those things might attract some people that wouldn't have been interested before, but there are no guarantees they will be 'better'. Don't let those things limit you, your own 'standards' might be standing between you and happiness. I'm not suggesting anyone ever 'settle', but more they keep an open mind. Your perfect mate might be nothing like what you envision her to be.

Love and Light

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 55

RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit? - 4/11/2007 5:44:36 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lady Alaria

I suppose the question of over qualification, bettering himself out of the market, comes down to how his expectations have changed along with his 'qualities'. If his expectations have risen unreasonably, or if there is an air of superiority that comes with all those accomplishments and added skills...then...he might be in trouble. If his learning has taught him some true humility, then they will put him in better stead.

I agree that Expectations is indeed variable in the equation that will have an impact. If his expecatation exceed his value... he will find it increasely difficult to find a match and if he sells cheap he will find a match easier. However, if a person's expectations are reasonable... the higher your value is in comparison to the average the more challenging it going to be to find that suitable partner.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Lady Alaria)

Post #: 56

RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit? - 4/11/2007 6:06:35 AM

Aswad

Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

There is no point at which you stop bettering yourself as long as you feel okay about it.

That said, seeking to improve yourself is different from seeking to improve your marketability, so to speak. Improve who you are, and hope to find someone who likes that person, or find someone who is willing to put in the work to shape you into the person they want.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 57

RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit? - 4/11/2007 6:50:16 AM

Lady Alaria

Posts: 160
Joined: 10/16/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

I agree that Expectations is indeed variable in the equation that will have an impact. If his expecatation exceed his value... he will find it increasely difficult to find a match and if he sells cheap he will find a match easier. However, if a person's expectations are reasonable... the higher your value is in comparison to the average the more challenging it going to be to find that suitable partner.

Not necessarily. If a person's expectations are reasonable, than their 'value' is going up with their expectations. Higher 'value' makes more opportunities present themselves. There is a certain amount of balancing out that can occur there. And those with specific styles of 'value' have ways of looking for those who match those values. For instance, being able to use proper grammar makes him noticeable amidst the net crowd.

What I was going for, however, was something a bit different. It has to do with how he -perceives- his own value. I, for one, don't hold some of his accomplishments at high value. I value most of them lower than some other aspects he may or may not have. Not that I don't value them at all, just that I don't think they have caused the massive over-qualification you speak of. For those that find such things desirable, they are. For those that do not, they don't make much of a difference in most cases. Unless the high potential for irritating hubris attached acts as a turn-off.

The difficulty being that if he believes that these things have elevated him to a point of 'value' where only the 'best' Domme will do...well...his standards have the potential to be his undoing. Because it is impossible to 'sell yourself cheap', and all the work to increase his 'value' does not make him any more or less deserving of love than anyone else.

To put it another way, it might make him more or less desirable, but will it really make him more or less happy with any particular woman? Will he be selling himself any more or less cheaply if he chooses a woman who he doesn't love, than he would have choosing the same woman when he had less 'value'?

Therefor, ones perceived value to the opposite sex, ones acts to better oneself, should -not- affect our expectations from them, or our standards in who we date. That's like demanding that your relatives spend at least as much as you on gifts as you do on them. However, it -does- affect our expectations, far too often, and so negatively impacts our potentials for partners. It's not productive though.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 58

RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit? - 4/12/2007 8:37:51 PM

Alexedra

Posts: 6
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

littlesarbonn: A friend of mine shared a comic the other day from muttscomics.com, with a quote from Samuel Butler, "All animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it."

Don't you do things because simply you enjoy them? Or at least, because you enjoy the feeling of accomplishment that you get from working hard and acheiving your hard-earned goals?

Nothing is lost, but all the experiences of the last ten years are but continuously rearranged, like the colors in a kaleidoscope.

I've been spending some time over the past day reading your posts and essays, as you can tell. I think it's good that you have given up searching. Now, perhaps, you can start breathing.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 59

RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit? - 4/12/2007 8:46:03 PM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alexedra

I've been spending some time over the past day reading your posts and essays, as you can tell. I think it's good that you have given up searching. Now, perhaps, you can start breathing.

There may be some serious logic there in what you say. Thank you.

_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me

http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to Alexedra)

Post #: 60

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Bettering oneself...is there a limit?

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.141