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RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 7:56:21 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

To Fi, I would recommend that you stick to your guns about the kind of relationship that would suit you and there will be a dominant that suits you. It is not all about the dominant, if you are not happy and feel you are compromising yourself that is a definite sign that it is not a good fit. You are a very attractive lady, and basically I think that from what you have posted you seem to have a good head on your shoulders in not accepting what others say at face value. Everyone has a differing idea of what sort of submissive and what sort of dominant would please them... being a submissive does not equal being a martyr... your needs are just as important as anyone else's. D/s is not so completely different from any other relationship in that a submissive sorts have a right to their moral compass, their integrity, their values, and their needs met. It really is a matter of finding the right person...

Perhaps you should make sure that they know you do not intend to submit before they meet you or play the first meet. That way they know this right off the bat. I tended to spell that stuff out right away.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 4/10/2007 7:59:13 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to DominantsMF)

Post #: 41

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 9:14:20 PM

grlneedstolearn

Posts: 728
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FiestyFi

Hi to all you masters,

I recently meet a man claiming to be a dom. We chatted, I liked him and his personality. Then came the big moment of him wanting to use me the moment we meet. My instinct and reaction was not to agree to this. As a newbie this is quite a hurdle for me, and as soon as any dom suggest this my barriers go up. I just feel I'm going to be used and discarded.

I didn't agree, and in fact we fell out. He said he wants nothing to do with me. Fair enough, I respect that. What I don't respect are phrases like. "This is my way, and it works for me." "If you don't do this I will leave."

He didn't want to talk anymore about it, he couldn't see why this was an issue for me. In fact he made me feel like it was a one way relationship. No being open and no communicating about issues or problems. I do what he wants or nothing happens.

I'm not sure if there is a right or wrong answer here, what I'm seeking is to understand what a real dom is. I spoke to a great friend who said " A dom should be like a boyfriend, but naturally likes to take control because he can make the right decisons, a sub should be like a girlfriend who trust her boyfriend to make the right decisions for her. Find someone whos nice to you, who treats you well, gives you time and if they are a dom hang onto them."

So what I'm struggling to understand is should a d/s relationship be similar to a vanilla boyfriend/girlfriend. When you look for a dom should they be similar to a vanilla boyfriend, in the way that they treat you?

I know this is long winded, I've meet a few 'doms' like I describe above, and I just feel that as a newbie I was close to falling into their trap.

Any words of wisdom would be gratefully recieved, thanking you for taking the time to help guide a newbie.

Fiestyfi x

i've actually had this happen to me a couple times. He wanted me to go back to his place for "chatting". Immediantly red flags went up and i discussed it with my other friends and we agreed that since i said no and everything broke apart it was the right thing to do. Good for you standing up for yourself. You don't know what his intentions were, be it good or bad.

(in reply to FiestyFi)

Post #: 42

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 10:02:27 PM

WhiplashSmile

Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FiestyFi

Hi to all you masters,

I recently meet a man claiming to be a dom. We chatted, I liked him and his personality. Then came the big moment of him wanting to use me the moment we meet. My instinct and reaction was not to agree to this. As a newbie this is quite a hurdle for me, and as soon as any dom suggest this my barriers go up. I just feel I'm going to be used and discarded.

I didn't agree, and in fact we fell out. He said he wants nothing to do with me. Fair enough, I respect that. What I don't respect are phrases like. "This is my way, and it works for me." "If you don't do this I will leave."

He didn't want to talk anymore about it, he couldn't see why this was an issue for me. In fact he made me feel like it was a one way relationship. No being open and no communicating about issues or problems. I do what he wants or nothing happens.

I'm not sure if there is a right or wrong answer here, what I'm seeking is to understand what a real dom is. I spoke to a great friend who said " A dom should be like a boyfriend, but naturally likes to take control because he can make the right decisons, a sub should be like a girlfriend who trust her boyfriend to make the right decisions for her. Find someone whos nice to you, who treats you well, gives you time and if they are a dom hang onto them."

So what I'm struggling to understand is should a d/s relationship be similar to a vanilla boyfriend/girlfriend. When you look for a dom should they be similar to a vanilla boyfriend, in the way that they treat you?

I know this is long winded, I've meet a few 'doms' like I describe above, and I just feel that as a newbie I was close to falling into their trap.

Any words of wisdom would be gratefully recieved, thanking you for taking the time to help guide a newbie.

Fiestyfi x

It's obvious you were not ready to play, that you required more time in getting to know and trust him. He should have been more patient and understanding with you, if he was seeking a 24/7 relationship. For many this is the same thing as a Vanilla Boyfriend/Girlfriend relationship. However, the Nillas often rush into blindly having Sex as well. So you should always hold true to yourself first. Find a Master/Dom with the same mindset. One that is understanding and is into wanting to get to know you and work and building trust. People that try to pressure you into sex or BDSM play are really thinking more about themselves and are probally not what you are looking for in a serious D/s relationship.

For some people they can hop right into a D/s relationship without building trust or getting to know each other well. Why because neight the Dom/me or sub really give a fuck about the other. They just want the Great Sex, BDSM and will deal with the mechanics of relationships afterwards. Many times some of these rushed relationships fail as quickly as Rushed Vanilla ones do... So, yes.. it is fair for you to make the comparison that you did.

(in reply to FiestyFi)

Post #: 43

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 11:25:28 PM

Kinkypupper

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline

Yes you should expect it. Courtesy goes both ways.
Before you meet them ask for "credentials" names places/events they have been.
Many have developed very smooth on-line personalitys and in reality they are totally clueless in person

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to FiestyFi)

Post #: 44

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/11/2007 2:26:37 AM

WhiplashSmile

Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kinkypupper

Yes you should expect it. Courtesy goes both ways.
Before you meet them ask for "credentials" names places/events they have been.
Many have developed very smooth on-line personalitys and in reality they are totally clueless in person

I'd be somewhat besides myself for credentials. It would involve somebody contacting one of my last two Ex's... a 7 year and 5 year relationship.  I can provide information for a background check though. Strange I don't have Degrees in BDSM though.. some of my regular play partners I used to have over 12 years ago, I don't know what the Hell they are up to now days. So would this make me totally clueless since I have been doing BDSM things since I was 13 years old?   I don't have a ciminal record, a few traffic violations.   Not all of us are off playing with countless play partners.   There's not munches in my local area even, that I know about. I'm more than happy to share with anybody the things I know, to talk about techniques...scene play... D/s dynamics... share stories about my past, my life..   I really don't have a set of so called "credentials"... so does this make me a smooth on-online personality?

The only thing I guess I have right now is the countless and growing posts I've been making to the boards. I guess that gives me a bit of personality status. My last ex is still upset for her own mistakes that led me to leaving her. I still get messages about how she's feel she's age 10 years since I left... Very heartbroken to a degree.. think that's the last thing she needs is to have a new Girl calling her up and asking for credentials.

If some people are looser abuser types, who's to say the company and the credetials they provide are from people with similar mindsets?  Joe Blow can get a group of friend to vouch and provide false credential for him. I believe Background checks are well worth it, along with time, communication. Getting to know the other person. People tend to slip up and let the truth out sooner or later. Got to watch out for Red flags and so many things.   I know myself, I would be pressed if somebody asked me for credentials. I could give the references to people that know me, my character. However, I would not want BDSM talked about at all. These people are more the Vanilla flavor of life.

I can understand credentials from somebody that does a lot of playing with a shit load of partners and is active in a local BDSM community.   Even people with a lot of BDSM experience, does not mean they are not an abuser. The is a thread on here about a Dom that pulled some crap with a Domme, both were tied into a BDSM community. It appears that Drama is or will be unfolding... perhaps with people taking sides. So just having credentials does not carry a lot of weight.

Most of the submissives I was talking with did not even have Credentials. Save their own experiences in long term or short term relationships.   For instance.. Girl lost her first master to an accident, then the next one was an abuser asshole.. Well you get the picture.

< Message edited by WhiplashSmile -- 4/11/2007 2:27:49 AM >

(in reply to Kinkypupper)

Post #: 45

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/11/2007 3:05:22 AM

CNJDom

Posts: 186
Joined: 6/6/2006
From: Southern NJ
Status: offline

Fiesty, a first date with a bf/gf thing wouldn't be appropriate, and neither would this be in a first meeting. A good rule of thumb is not to play on the first meeting...it's like a mutual interview. Everyone's on their best behavior. D/s involves respect and trust (I am of the thought that this is to be mutually felt) as well as very intimate communication between both parties..."My way or the highway" is NOT communication to say the least! I feel you did the right thing in your choice and should listen to your gut feelings when a conflict arrises like this.

You hardly know this person, and on a first meeting, you would also do well to consider the "silent alarm" system. This involves having someone that knows where and what you are doing (with information of where/when/who and perhaps even personal information of the other person), and have a specific time you are to call while at this meeting in the event that this person isn't what or who he claims to be has ill intent. If you don't call, then they notify the authorities to look for you. And believe it or not, even Dominants should utilize this as well...sounds silly, but believe me...there are some people out there with either no clue of what the lifestyle is, or want to do harm to others under the guise of being D/s. There are horror stories, but don't be afraid, just be prepared... You did the right thing in this meeting, and in my opinion, a Dom should be respectful enough to read you and see that you're uncomfortable with what he is requesting and guide you; not just demand and threaten...

(in reply to FiestyFi)

Post #: 46

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/11/2007 8:58:22 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

julia, susie, ownedgirlie,

Whenever I make that kind of list, or something similar, there are always some who pop up and say they didn't follow those rules, and it all turned out great. And I am happy for you.

That doesn't change the fact that what you did was roll the dice. You just happened to come up winning. I know others whose gut instincts said "I click with this guy" or "I know I can trust this guy". They were as sure of themselves as you were. But their roll of the dice didn't end up so well.

The fact is that playing on first meeting is a crap shoot. It concerns me because I worry that others will see that it worked for some of you, and be more willing to roll those dice themselves. It just is not smart. My particular concern is for newbie submissives, who aren't so sure of how they should react as it is. They often don't know enough to set up the safe calls and other safety measures for a first time experience.

To those of you who want to trust your gut instincts, and allow a Dom to take you to a private place to play on the first meeting, just remember that you ARE rolling the dice. You are not wiser because you won the roll, or an idiot if you lost the roll. You are taking a chance. That is the bottom line.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 47

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/11/2007 9:33:30 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

That doesn't change the fact that what you did was roll the dice. You just happened to come up winning.

I would say that someone could date another several times, they could be best friends with your brother, you could meet their family and all is happiness and love... then you marry them and they beat the crap outta you... no, time does not ease everything (btw, the above was my exhusband).

I talked with my Daddy for a couple of months before we physically met, my family and an out of state friend had enough of his info (car make and mode, license number, his drivers license number, his full name and address off said license in comparison with his registration). Life is a gamble, and I trust me, it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about that.. btw, if the OP does not trust themselves the way I trust me.... I would recommend not going into a relationship at all.

quote:

The fact is that playing on first meeting is a crap shoot. It concerns me because I worry that others will see that it worked for some of you, and be more willing to roll those dice themselves. It just is not smart. My particular concern is for newbie submissives, who aren't so sure of how they should react as it is. They often don't know enough to set up the safe calls and other safety measures for a first time experience.

I was a newbie submissive fairly much, being a novice does not mean one lacks brains and intuition. I was 38 when I met my Daddy, I had a brains enough to know about safety measures. I think you assume that we all met in a hotel room the first day, we didn't.

We met at an IHOP across from my local mall, we then went shopping after breakfast. Then we decided we wanted to go for a drive together after about 3 hours of this, it was at that point I gave all his info to two safecalls. We did not play for several more hours yet. In reality I spent more time with him before play than many spend on their first three dates. He even met my family first.

I think the trouble is when one puts submissives into some precious idiot category of not knowing how to run our lives. I was running my life long before I found out what D/s was. I also think it is dangerous to live by someone else's rules on the internet for what safe behavior is instead of using my own noggin. Down that path lies trouble. It was when I trusted other people's "wisdom" that I ended up getting the shaft.

So it may not be "smart" in your estimation. I will take being labelled stupid and unsafe and in a relationship I treasure deeply with the nicest man I know.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 48

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/11/2007 1:34:39 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

It could be like a bf/gf thing, or not. It could be like a boss/employee thing, or not.........It could be like no relationship dynamic you've come across before. There isn't a template.

What it isn't, is a trap. It's somewhere you choose to be be, want to be.

You know when you're uncomfortable with something.....fine.........you'll also know when you are.

agirl

(in reply to FiestyFi)

Post #: 49

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/11/2007 1:48:24 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantsMF

As a former Domina (I now submit to Him), I do not know that there is much room for 'open lines of communication' within the D/s relationship, outside of the initial topic of limitations. Certainly there are limitations that arise during the course of a relationship and those should be worked out, however it is of my opinion that what He (or She, depending on whom you are serving) wants for you to do is what you should do as a submissive, or leave. you always have the right to leave, there should be safe words, and it is very thoughtful of Masters/Mistresses to instruct within the boundaries His or Her submissive/slave requires, but if you are not interested in doing something He requests and you have already taken Him as a Dominant, then perhaps you are not interested in submitting.

Mistress S

You really think that no true dominant should be interested in how his or her sub is feeling or reacting? That they should merrily go on their way while the sub gets more and more unhappy and finally walks?

Because this is what I'm extrapolating from your comments. In my relationship this is forbidden. I am required to communicate to him my feelings, wants and fears. Obedience on the outside with hidden feelings undermining the relationship is the last thing he wants. He wants, demands, and takes nothing less than the authentic heart of me, all my vulnerabilities and strengths and everything in between.

Now blind obedience may work for you, but please don't assert that it is the only one true way. There are plenty of us in a D/s relationship who have other priorities.

I know people who are obedience wired, as you seem to be. I know those who are service wired. And then there are those like me, wired for emotional transparency.

(in reply to DominantsMF)

Post #: 50

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/11/2007 6:50:10 PM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I think the trouble is when one puts submissives into some precious idiot category of not knowing how to run our lives.

julia, not everyone is as efficient at running their lives as you were. Just look at this forum. About every day a submissive comes on here desperate for advice, not having barely a clue what this is all about, how to behave, what to do, what not to do. Of course they are not idiots (well, mostly), but they are inexperienced and many seem pretty naive as well when it comes to getting into the fetish world.

It is my opinion that these are not people who should be told to trust their gut feeling and play with someone on a first meeting.

quote:

So it may not be "smart" in your estimation. I will take being labelled stupid and unsafe and in a relationship I treasure deeply with the nicest man I know.

I never said you were stupid, I've seen your posts long enough to know you are an intelligent woman. I said that particular action was not smart. Even smart people can make stupid mistakes (I know I have). That doesn't make the person stupid, it is the mistake that was stupid.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 51

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/11/2007 7:23:10 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

julia, susie, ownedgirlie,

Whenever I make that kind of list, or something similar, there are always some who pop up and say they didn't follow those rules, and it all turned out great. And I am happy for you.

Thank you.

There are always some who pop up saying this because those rules are not universal.

quote:

That doesn't change the fact that what you did was roll the dice. You just happened to come up winning. I know others whose gut instincts said "I click with this guy" or "I know I can trust this guy". They were as sure of themselves as you were. But their roll of the dice didn't end up so well.

Wrong. Mine was an extremely informed decision. He is a prominent member of his community. I researched all there was to research on him. I had his photos, his home address and numbers, the names of his family members and where they worked, County documents and records on him, his office address and numbers, and had been talking to him for hours each day for two months. We had talked at great length about what might occur on this meeting, and explored all my thoughts and feelings about it. He even cancelled our first meeting because he did not feel I was comfortable enough. I had scheduled times in which people expected to hear from me - both in the evening and in the morning - and knew to give the police every bit of info I had on him should I come up missing (it's a good deterrant, if nothing else). We had both been tested for all STDs and HIV, and by the time we met, it was quite clear to me that the time and effort and energy he had invested in me thus far would not have occurred if he had wanted a night of quick fucking followed by a murder.

Hell, I've had one night stands in the vanilla-bean world that were more risky than this!

quote:

The fact is that playing on first meeting is a crap shoot. It concerns me because I worry that others will see that it worked for some of you, and be more willing to roll those dice themselves. It just is not smart. My particular concern is for newbie submissives, who aren't so sure of how they should react as it is. They often don't know enough to set up the safe calls and other safety measures for a first time experience.

For what it's worth, I was fairly new at this, too. I am not disputing your list - it contains good ideas. I was simply saying it is not applicable to all. As a grown adult, I informed myself and set up safety measures for myself. I did a lot of things that weren't smart in my day. This is not one of them. And while I understand your perspective, you do not know me or what I did well enough to tell me I was gambling and not being smart. That is a conclusion you have assumed.

quote:

To those of you who want to trust your gut instincts, and allow a Dom to take you to a private place to play on the first meeting, just remember that you ARE rolling the dice. You are not wiser because you won the roll, or an idiot if you lost the roll. You are taking a chance. That is the bottom line.

Ok. For those going on gut instinct alone, yes they are taking a chance. Again, however, you have made an incorrect assumption about me.

I understand your point and your concern. My post was not to encourage people to be reckless. But there really are intelligent submissives in this world who know how to take care of themselves. Perhaps this thread provides a good demonstration of what that means.

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 52

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/11/2007 7:32:21 PM

MDJour

Posts: 40
Joined: 8/8/2005
From: Atlanta
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

Hi fiesty,

Naughty has given you the best advice thus far. As a Dom myself, let me tell you that it is completely inappropriate for someone you just met to demand play immediately. His comment "do it my leave or I leave" is a petty pressure tactic to see if you will bend to his demands.

Is he a "real" Dom? I don't know and I don't care. I DO know he doesn't have your best interests at heart. If he did he would be willing to go more slowly, especially as you admit to being a newbie.

This really has nothing to do with a vanilla boy/girl relationship. Not that many in the lifestyle don't blend vanilla with fetish lifestyles. But as a newbie, you need to think of this from a fetish perspective.

Don't do anything beyond talking in a public place on the first meeting.
Don't go anywhere else with that person on the first meeting, no matter how much you seem to click.
Do meet in person several times minimum, to just sit and talk about both your and his wants and needs from the relationship.
Don't ever go against you gut instincts. If it feels wrong, don't do it.

And the Big One: You have a submissive nature, but you are not anyone's submissive until you agree to it. Don't let anyone tell you you aren't being submissive enough. That is another cheap ploy to try and pressure you. You are not someone's submissive until YOU decide to be.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

I have to agree with the wise words of Sir Dominic here. From my standpoint you should never allow yourself to be pressured.... or bullied into anything you're not comfortable with. Let him go on to whatever it is that he is allegedly aspiring to. There are Masters out there who are kind, and patient. I was taught the value of anticipation. And I have just recently had to remind myself of this. Hold out for the real passion that lies within.

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 53

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/12/2007 1:07:31 AM

Totalmaster4you

Posts: 1359
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

A lot of sub/slaves get hurt in their journey of discovery by what I call fake doms. One of the traits of these fakes is always being in a rush and pushing for things before you're ready. Always follow your instinct and go at the pace that's right for you. No Dom/Domme/dom has any "rights" to you until you submit. Once you've had a TPE it becomes his choice and not until then.

_____________________________

Sometime ago I decided it was time to change my nic. However I didn't wish to disconnect from my original profile. Since then I've signed Touch your mind (TYM or Tym). Opinions in my posts should be taken as my opinion and my opinion only.

(in reply to ihavesomemagic4u)

Post #: 54

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/12/2007 3:42:44 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

i learned an extremely valuable lesson over the past 3 months and that is sometimes the way into the pool is to jump in and only mindful of the depth. For a long time i let my fear of getting my heart broken, the fear of what if it doesn't work out, what if i had to relocate, what if He turns out to be not as advertised. But what i learned is, what if it DOES work out? What if my heart doesn't break, and even if it does, why is that so awful? i learned that life, real life is full of risks. So i jumped into a relationship, got collared for the very first time and within weeks was released as suddenly as i was collared. And you know what? i feel really good about it all. Am i hurt and disappointed? yeah. But i am really proud of myself. i allowed myself to feel, to have passion, real passion and even though i am once again alone, i am happier than i have been in a long time. Apathy and fear are a paralysis, i was lame and now i walk, i was blind and now i see, i was dead and now i am alive.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to Totalmaster4you)

Post #: 55

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/12/2007 2:20:19 PM

TigerNINTails

Posts: 178
Joined: 5/16/2005
Status: offline

Greetings everyone, Great, small and otherwise...

I have to agree with much of what has been said by Dominic, MDJour and the girls in this situation. Yes, there were some assumptions applied, but those assumptions were applied from the standpoint of the rank noob to the fetish/bdsm/M/s/TPE standpoint, that have no idea that in reality...

There are Tops/Dom/me's/Switches/Domina's/Dominatrix/Masters/Mistresses etc.... There are bottoms/submissives/bois/gurls/sissies/sluts/slaves... There so many labels which people find themselves identifying to it's not even funny... The scariest part though, is that while many of the above sometimes want to make themselves "Appear" scary, or intimidating, or hard, or even harsh, wicked or evil...

9 times out of 10, they aren't that way 24-7...

But this, regardless of assumptions, and what not, is really only proving out one thing. We are aware of the other aspect of the fetish/bdsm/M/s/TPE lifestyles... The Edgeplay and so forth... You must weigh your trust with intelligent research and application of forethought. You don't want to rush, because there are "monsters" out there.

Now I agree, some of what Dominic had said might come from a place of assumption... But I believe it was more from a place of understanding the noob mindset, and understanding the risks. It's apparent that some women and men that are submissive have taken some risks, and in some ways, they do it for a myriad of reasons.

The advice given isn't bad, just because it inadvertently lumped those whom do the research on the individual, take their time, etc., in with those that don't make the proper decisions. But the fact remains, there are at least 3 (probably more) murders, rapes or mutilations of people seeking an honest to goodness and satisfying M/s, D/s, or other TPE sort of relationship, or even just going out to be adventurous and kinky, EACH AND EVERY YEAR...

There are so many noobs coming into the lifestyle every single day, there is never a shortage of those that could fall prey to such predatory action.

So before you assume he was talking specifically about you, remember, that there are others that can use that precise advice.

I've been with the same girl and only online (though I'm poly) for going on three years. During that time, we've spoken on the phone, daily, I have her address, she has mine, her and my mother have spoken at length on several occasions... I don't know her family, but she's a better judge of her family than I am... In any case, the whole point being is that when we first met, it wasn't a sudden thing...

She went through hell, to receive my online collar... By that, I mean that I drug it out, I let her train, to learn from me first... We got into one anothers heads... Now I spend more time in hers, than she spends in mine... Well, that's a running joke anyway...

When I get to WA, she deserves some very good rough play, and immediately, but again, it's something she's expecting, desires and that's why we're going there. But I'm going to her... I'm going to be walking into HER house, and there are other people there.

Though she's only seen me on web-cam, talked to me on the phone, and it's been really no more than a long distance online relationship, that makes it no less real. She's gotten everything she wants and desires out of this relationship (except lately, what with building a business, I've only been there on the phone for her mostly).

I knew, from the moment she started training, all of her medical issues, had her limits and boundaries filed, had some of what she desires on file as well... But it took two months of talking, before I even considered her for training. This was largely due to her watching me, not the other way around...

I don't operate like that. I might engage someone in a conversation (even just online), but I operate online as I do in real life... I tend to sit and wait... If someone desires my interaction, they'll let it be known... Online differs slightly though... You can scene online safely and not have issues and be spontaneous, as it's a rather solid safety net, though if someone wanted to, they could find someone by way of IP.

But still... I think I'm babbling. I am glad there are submissives and bottoms out there with solid heads on their shoulders and that make the proper decisions in how to approach and solidify an offline TPE relationship... Or any other kink play, for that matter.

But the fact remains... Not all submissives are that savvy. Not all Doms are that savvy either. Hell, most "doms" aren't even "Doms" or worthy to even be called "Tops" for that matter. Call it critical but it's a fact.

In fact, if you meet them online, many are still "just typing"... Caught up in the whole "fantasy" of it, and not realize that in order to have a solid and functional TPE relationship of any sort, you need to commit to putting in the work for it.

So the underlying message is "Beware". Often times, you'll not be able to pick up the signals that someone is truly evil and hell bent on your destruction until it's too late. So do your due diligence, and seek out the signs, which should be some what apparent after your initial and subsequent few meetings...

But I'd be damn sure to have safecalls and information in the right hands, regardless... Nor would I play on first meeting

Peace.

(in reply to Totalmaster4you)

Post #: 56

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/12/2007 2:37:12 PM

TigerNINTails

Posts: 178
Joined: 5/16/2005
Status: offline

Just a thought... Wasn't Jim Baker a "prominent member of his community"? Didn't he turn out to be a scum bag? Just a thought, and one that near anyone in the US can relate to... I know of a kid whose father is a flippin POLICE OFFICER and is an abusive jackwad... In fact, he's been torturing this kid for... hmm... his whole life... Why? According to my friend, because his eyes are not the same colour as all of his brothers and sisters eyes... So this is someone we want upholding the law? Prominent member of the community, obviously, but trustworthy? I think not.

Just food for thought, as from what you've said, your particular Top sounds pretty stand up.

Prominent member of the community means nothing when it comes to your judgement of others and their ability to provide for you safely and in the most healthy fashion, and treat you right, M/s, D/s, or nilla relationship. Just something for the new to it all to think about... And hard.

I'm sorry for taking this subject "off-subject", but I felt those things needed pointed out.

But to pull it back to where this all started, this is my opinion.

People like that are not real in the slightest. No offense to Gor, or anyone that practices that in real, but he sounds like a so-called "Gorean" wanna-be that doesn't realize that the Gor books are entertaining reading for someone that doesn't know how the relationships really work in the real world, or as a method for picking some of the proper philosophies of M/s out of it.

Keep in mind, D/s and M/s have their differences, and while you'll often find Dominance and submission inside of Master/Mistress and slave relationships, what you don't find is that all Owners of slaves are Dominant in the strictest definition.

If you're seeking a D/s relationship, in most cases, this involves heavy and intimate disclosure of all feelings about things, leading to near endless hours of conversation about a relationship, or a situation within the relationship.

Someone that is willing to be like that, is simply pressuring you, and if he's going to be so ignorant to your needs, he doesn't deserve you. It has nothing to do with your submission, or desire to submit and serve a person.

Someone like that is still typing, in many cases, caught up in the fantasy as it were. I know I stated the same thing above, but it bears repeating.

In our world, here on earth, and in practice, M/s (and D/s particularly) relationships might involve the submissive doing as they are told, but there are always limits...

If your limit is "No play on the first "date"/"meeting", then by all means, NO PLAY ON THE FIRST MEETING! This isn't something that you should sacrifice, or allow to be negotiable.

There are negotiable limits, but you should set this as a boundary in the first place. In my humble opinion (and go ahead and fire on me if you will, all you wanna be nutwads) any so-called "Dominant" that makes a statement as he's made is nothing more than a troll that's looking to get a quick nut off, or he's someone that would do something untoward, and this is why "This is what works for me"... Well, if it works for him, why is he prowling? Does he have a slave? Does he even have a relationship with a sub?

What are his 'credentials', or what's the "proof" that this works for him? Plain and simple, you're a bigger person for being able to respect his decision that he didn't want any more to do with you over the fact that you couldn't play on the first meeting...

In addition to that, he's a moron for expecting more than he truly deserves at that point. If he wants a screw, he should find someone willing to do it, not put a hesitant newbie through that sort of anguish.

IMHO... He's not real. He's not knowing. He'll continue to be a moron and that's that.

< Message edited by TigerNINTails -- 4/12/2007 3:22:55 PM >

(in reply to TigerNINTails)

Post #: 57

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/12/2007 4:10:31 PM

krikket

Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

First, always follow your instinct -- it's rarely wrong.

i've had this same thing happen, and have told them flat out...it takes 2 yeses, one no, and i'm saying no. If they can't respect me at the very beginning what makes me thing they'll do so later on. Way back, as a young woman, i wasn't an easy lay and i'm still not.
It's gotten to the point now that my answer to such a statement (which i think is just to make us feel guilty) is not to let the door hit em on the way out..lol. i also tend to steer clear of men who use words like "real" and "true" -- i'm just me, and if they question who and what i am, again, i don't let the door hit "me" on the way out either..lol..

Good luck!!

jimini

quote:

ORIGINAL: FiestyFi

I didn't agree, and in fact we fell out. He said he wants nothing to do with me. Fair enough, I respect that. What I don't respect are phrases like. "This is my way, and it works for me." "If you don't do this I will leave."
Fiestyfi x

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to FiestyFi)

Post #: 58

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/12/2007 9:56:57 PM

Pulpsmack

Posts: 394
Joined: 4/15/2004
From: Louisiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FiestyFi

I'm not sure if there is a right or wrong answer here, what I'm seeking is to understand what a real dom is.

I think there's a right and wrong question, and you've just asked the wrong one.

Real Dom/me? By whose standards? And so (s)he earns/loses the rubber stamp and another day passes in the world. Nonesense.

What you should be concerned about (IM"H"O) is the "right" Dom/me for you. I am a judgmental person and I have my standards for what a real Dom/me is, but that is a moot point, particularly for you. The exchange is about the two+ INDIVIDUALS and what works for them, not what's written in the club's guidelines.You had a boundary you felt you had to enforce. He had an issue with that, and you two didn't work out together. So long as he didn't push you or do something threatening, it's moot. Reflect upon your needs and define yourself as a submissive. Your Dom/me may not fit with the person who you are today, but (s)he will be able to work with your boundaries and shape you into something you both would like to live with. Any other concerns IMO, are nothing but a distraction.

(in reply to FiestyFi)

Post #: 59

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/12/2007 10:08:42 PM

FukinTroll

Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline

Just go Troll. Problem solved.

_____________________________

I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

TrollTopia
Greedy Groupie!

The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

(in reply to FiestyFi)

Post #: 60

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