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RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/12/2007 10:29:07 PM   
Slavetrainer2007


Posts: 231
Joined: 12/2/2006
Status: offline 		Wow, alot of long post.

To the OP: In my opinion, he was a dom, not a good one.  Their is a difference between a dominate personality and a dominate person.

Things he did wrong( guessing from the info you gave)
1) He didnt make you feel at ease or comfortable.
2)He didnt discuss the terms of the meeting, apparently
3)He tried to "over dominate" you, as soon as you met. What i mean by this is  he tried to dominate using force or giving you  two options one he wants and the other that he thinks is a worse choice.So you pick the one he wants.
4) He refused to discuss it. This to me is childish behavior." im mad at you you wont let me play with your toys im going home"

From my personal experience this is what i try on meeting a girl for the first time:
1)I try to make that girl feel safe and comfortable with me. I dont show up with whips and a hotel room key.
2) I try to earn her trust.
3) I let her set the pace for moving to play.  When she is comfortable playing with me she will tell me.
These are very important to me. I can "dominate" her later. On that first meeting,  dominating is not what i seek. I seek trust and  her being comfortable around me. I figure meeting me she is probably already out of her comfort zone, because she is meeting a stranger. Their is no need to push her further out. Instead i want to bring her back into her comfort zone, so  our relationship can continue.

I am always dominate, but their is a time to dominate and a time not too. that was not the time to dominate. And a good dom would know that.



_____________________________

Life is given, Everything else is earned.

(in reply to FukinTroll)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/12/2007 10:48:35 PM   
Hrafnkel


Posts: 21
Joined: 4/9/2007
Status: offline 		Well, for myself I think a D/s relationship is still a relationship. Just like no two vanilla courtships or marriages are the same, neither should we expect two here to be.

That being said, I usually think a dominant resorting to pressure or coercion to get you in the sack is as bad a sign here as it is in the vanilla world, and mostly for the same reasons.

(in reply to FiestyFi)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/13/2007 9:26:16 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Ok. For those going on gut instinct alone, yes they are taking a chance. Again, however, you have made an incorrect assumption about me.


Actually I wasn't. I was responding to the three of you, but I was not talking about the three of you specifically. I was making a generalization about this kind of choice, that it can turn out badly as easily as wonderful.

You say you were relatively new, but look at the precautions you took. That is the actions of someone who knows a great deal, even if your actual experience was limited.

quote:

I understand your point and your concern. My post was not to encourage people to be reckless. But there really are intelligent submissives in this world who know how to take care of themselves. Perhaps this thread provides a good demonstration of what that means.


Again, I know women who considered themselves intelligent submissives, who ended up in a bad situation.

So were they less intelligent than you because it didn't work out for them?

Most definitely there are a lot of intelligent submissives out there (thank the Gods), but sometimes that is not enough.

Emphasis from your quote mine. That is really the bottom line about what I am trying to say. Or, as a favorite tv character of mine from long ago used to say "Let's be careful out there.".

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/13/2007 9:40:52 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Hi Sir Dominic,

I very much appreciate your reply.  It did seem you were speaking to the three of us directly, so I thank you for clearing up the misunderstanding. 

I do know there is a balance out there.  We can be so careful that we cease to live.  I read some people's posts and think it's a wonder anyone survives dating anymore.  And yet we can also be so careless that we can find ourselves in serious trouble. 

Even with all the precautions I took, when I hung up from my middle-of-the-night call, I looked at my Master and said, "I guess this means you can kill me now."  With all the precautions I took, there was still an element of risk.  Fortunately for me, his response was consistent with what he had been telling me all along - "What good would you do to me dead?"

I don't think anyone can gauge intelligence or lack of intelligence based on how many precautions are taken.  I certainly did not intend to imply that.  It's really easy to judge someone based on how things turned out.  Someone can look at all the precautions I took and say "Wow, she was really smart!"  but if, after I hung up from that last call, he did decide to kill me, those same people would say, "Wow, she was really dumb to have put herself in that position!" 

I think the whole point of my original post is that a list of rules/guidelines may be a great reference of things to keep in mind about, but if we follow safety rules to a tee, and let our lives be ruled by fear, we can also miss out on a lot.  So there's a happy-medium in there somewhere.

Oh and Phil Esterhaus was a classic.

(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/13/2007 9:57:32 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Wow, you knew the quote. I AM impressed. :)

Your point is well taken. One can take this to the other extreme as well, being so afraid that you never open yourself to any opportunity. It's that happy medium everyone should strive for, siding on the conservative side a bit more than the possibly reckless.

If we never take risks, we never get hurt, and we never really live either.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/14/2007 3:06:25 PM   
Socraticdom


Posts: 5
Joined: 4/14/2007
Status: offline 		There are all sorts of different people, and that means you're going to get all sorts of different reactions from people. This person sounds like someone who was not comfortable with not being in charge from the get-go, which in my opinion means he's not going to be comfortable a lot of the times he tries to have a potential relationship with someone. All relationships require a bit of touch and go in the beginning; if you don't account for that, like he apparently didn't, chances are pretty good it's not going to move all that far forward.

(in reply to FiestyFi)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/14/2007 7:52:55 PM   
soultoshare


Posts: 519
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Fiesty,
first, I didn't read all the posts, so forgive me if this is a repeat....getting ready for work, and all.  Anyway, I too have the rule of no play on the first date, but it's not hard and fast.  If, like yourself, my little flags pop up at any time during a meeting, then i listen to my gut.  I learned the hard way, i played on a couple of firest meetings, only to discover that A) they were just idiots getting their rocks off, and B), those idiots never follow thru...i was just a cheap piece of meat for them to get off on.  Once i woke up, so to speak, i tell everyone at the start that there will be NO play the first time we meet.  That weeds out the one night stands, and those that are ok with it, get the second meeting.  When dealing with meeting people, ALWAYS trust your guts!  You're going to be putting yourself in a position where the man can hurt you for real, and you need to feel secure that he won't. 

I don't think it really has anything to do with a man being a dom, it is all about whether he is a man.  Stick to your guns, listen to your instincts.  It's always worked for me.

m

(in reply to losttreasure)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/14/2007 8:42:01 PM   
adanaydi


Posts: 36
Joined: 10/12/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

quote:

ORIGINAL: adanaydi

It has been this one's experiences that MOST Dominant Men are well... dominant.
ada.



Well, yes and no. There are naturally dominant men and those trying to fake it. It's actually pretty easy to tell the difference. Those who are not really comfortable in their dominance make a big show of being dominant, trying to take charge, steamrolling over your wants and needs.

Someone who is naturally dominant has no need to prove anything. He won't boast and try to tell you what is right for you. A lot of natural dominants I know are quite the gentlemen. No pressure, no demands. But you can see the dominance in how they carry themselves, in how they look at you, how they talk to you. They will have an interest in you and will want to know about you.

Of course, this is not a black & white situation. Many are working on their dominance and many are in various stages between a total fake and a natural dominant. It is up to you to be perceptive and try to see where any one guy stands on the dominance ladder. The more he acts like the former above; avoid, the more he acts like the latter, give him some slack and keep your mind open. Just keep your wits about you.

Namaste, Sir Dominic



Master said this far more eloquently than she did, ada thanks you for it, Master. this one is drawn like a magnet to those whose demeanors are the "naturally dominant" type, she can smell a fake a mile off. All slaves she thinks will "test" on a subconscious level at times, how dominant and how true a dominant a Master really is. A Master who is of the "natural" ilk will seem to catch her motivations even before she knows she is doing that "testing" herself at times. <soft smile> it is those she can fall in love with very quickly, and grow with.

to her, ones who are merely going through the motions or "faking" being dominant really don't catch her heart. Call it her "Master" radar. <giggles>

Again, she thanks you for your words, Master.

ada


_____________________________

ownerless, a girl prays enslavement, where she will find the freedom to soar to the skies on wings spread wide... only to willingly return to His Hand. adanaydi 2007

(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/14/2007 8:55:50 PM   
adanaydi


Posts: 36
Joined: 10/12/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: adanaydi

ada never ever looks at a Master as a boyfriend... he isn't. boyfriends defer to the women's taste and she controls the pace of the relationship. If ada wanted this, she'd be a Domme. <chuckles> Masters take charge, it's their nature. If it isn't, they aren't Master enough for this one.

ada.



*chuckles* Some my ex-boyfriends would be very amused at this. They certainly didn't defer to my taste.


<giggles> this one hasn't "dated" anyone in the vanilla lifestyle in a long long long time... ok, she's only dated three as a teenager... but she observes others, and it's kinda funny to watch how some will "step and fetch" for the woman in order to maybe get something more in reward later. Others she has seen will play the "bad boy" type if that will get them attention. while amusing at times, it isn't something that makes her belly burn.

ada


_____________________________

ownerless, a girl prays enslavement, where she will find the freedom to soar to the skies on wings spread wide... only to willingly return to His Hand. adanaydi 2007

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/14/2007 9:25:45 PM   
Jevousadore


Posts: 57
Joined: 5/17/2006
Status: offline 		SirDominic,

I absolutely love your replies.  They have the feel of an intelligent and honorable Dom who considers all aspects of a D/s relationship to be valuable, including the wants and needs of a submissive. 

If there was an agreement by both parties that the interaction at the first meeting would involve the immediate submission, sexual etc., to the Dom in question adn that was all he was looking for then I can perhaps understand his decision, although the words he used sound childish to me.

However, if the intent was to meet and see if you were both interested in pursuing a relationship further, it would have been me who said "no, thank you" and walked away.  If a Dom is not interested in my thoughts, in discussing and working thru fears I may have, especially upon first meeting, then I would have to wonder what the future dynamics would hold.  Frankly, the Dom in your encounter feels more like a domineering bully who just wanted to get laid then a truly strong man experienced in the mental aspect of D/s relathionships who is capable of understanding what a submissive may be in need of.  The way you and a Dom relate thru messaging should really let you know if there is something worth exploring.  Is he interested in who you are on different levels, or is everything "whose slut are you"?  ( which can be oh, so amazing with the right Dom!)

Just my humble opinion....

(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/14/2007 9:44:04 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

Wow, you knew the quote. I AM impressed. :)

Your point is well taken. One can take this to the other extreme as well, being so afraid that you never open yourself to any opportunity. It's that happy medium everyone should strive for, siding on the conservative side a bit more than the possibly reckless.

If we never take risks, we never get hurt, and we never really live either.

Namaste, Sir Dominic


Ah, well it's Hill Street!!

Thank you for the interesting and constructive discussion. 

(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 71
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