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RE: How do you resolve problems with the in-laws, etc. - 4/13/2007 7:19:38 AM

Aswad

Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Vendaval

How do you and your partner(s) resolve conflicts with the
in-laws, annoying friends and general pests that try to
butt into your life? Some are nosey, some are curious,
some are jealous and some just have no manners, so
what do you do?

Well, my in-law (nephandi's mother) knows that we're into something BDSM-related, and that's as much as she's willing to know. It is a quite pointed non-topic, which I'm fine with.

My own parents are a bit more tricky, so we haven't told them yet. They have seen some toys while helping us to move, and got really worried about finding some rope, but only because they thought we were into breath-play, which we aren't. After explaining that, everything was dandy again.

They wouldn't have a problem with it, but it would certainly make things akward. I haven't a clue how my sis would react. My dad wouldn't care one way or the other, so there's no reason to breach the topic. My mum would be curious, and I'm not nearly as comfortable discussing those parts of my life with her as she is, so again not being brought up.

When I was in my teens, one of my more embarrasing moments was when my mum was driving us somewhere, and replied to something one of my friends had said with "well, getting a good fuck can be great, but my daughter is too young for you" or something like that.

I can only imagine the potential future embarassment around vanillas.

(in reply to Vendaval)

Post #: 21

RE: How do you resolve problems with the in-laws, etc. - 4/13/2007 9:41:06 AM

Squeakers

Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline

I keep my personal life very private. I have caller ID so if I don't feel like talking I don't answer. I live quite far from my family so no one ever drops by. I choose friends carefully but if I chose someone who was becoming quite the asshole, friendships can be broken. As for in-laws, I don't have in-laws but I don't dictate how my partners family acts. If he has a problem with their behavior, he will handle it---after all I respect him totally therefore I would respect his family and trust that he can handle anyone that is out of line.

(in reply to Vendaval)

Post #: 22

RE: How do you resolve problems with the in-laws, etc. - 4/13/2007 9:53:10 AM

DawnFire

Posts: 78
Joined: 3/17/2007
Status: offline

Don't have in-laws, but with my submissive's parents, I keep my blasted mouth shut. It's such a pain. But what else to do... he likes his parents, it'd be nice to be able to go over there without them trying to poison me.

(in reply to Squeakers)

Post #: 23

RE: How do you resolve problems with the in-laws, etc. - 4/13/2007 12:47:44 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

After too many years of pretending I just decided to be utterly and completely myself regardless of who I am around.

Most of the time there are no problems at all. I am by nature a fairly optimistic cheerful person. I have good control over what comes out my mouth. I do have very good manners and am very comfortable using them. I prefer to follow the example my grandmother taught of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" If I have to say something less than nice, I do my best to use tact. I am just alot more firm and honest without the stupid fluff.

However........you just knew it didn't you

...........I am also well known for a call em as I see em sorta woman. Usually I do keep my mouth shut but IF someone asks my opinion, or gets in my face trying to confront me, I speak what is on my mind with an attempt to avoid stooping to childish behaviour. I don't like to fight, I prefer to remain calm and stick to the topic at hand.

All of this has left those in my life several options. Their feelings towards me are any one or a combination, of the following......respect, love, trust, fear, dislike, admiration, confusion, and probably a few I cannot think of at the moment. Fear and/or dislike usually from those that confronted without a thought to the response they were going to get from the LeeAnn that tollerates no bullshit. Confusion usually from those that thought they knew me based upon my many years of trying to conform and got blindsided by the older and wiser(hopefully) LeeAnn. The other stuff from those that know that they can count on me thru good and bad, that see me as I am and accept me as I accept them.

I have only ever had two major confrontations with family members. One is long since dead and he just had so many issues it didn't have any effect on any family dynamics. The second was similar to a major volcanic erruption, sunami, earthquake......with aftershocks that have continued for years. Some people just can't handle the truth no matter how it is presented to them. The wonderful part, it now keeps me from having to attend the most gawdawful boringly formal family gatherings known to humankind. When he and I are at a group event, he acts like a pouting spoiled child even though he is 62 and I use every ounce of gentile guest/hostess charm I was raised to have (which of course drives him even more crazy!!!

) and ignore his sillienss. It also helps put the other, innocent parties, more at ease.

I don't believe in pushing alot of my business in anyone's face demanding they accept it. There is no need for that. On the flip side I don't hide anything either. Most people are just afraid to stick their nose where it doesn't belong and thats not a bad thing. Of course there is always the few examples running around that did and got more than they bargained for. Small town Iowa and big families have good messenger systems. Word travels fast. I have 5 siblings and only one has ever had the cajones to ask me any personal questions. I don't have a rainbow flag flying or a black rose banner, but most people know. I kinda like the mystery and sense of curiousity I feel at times, to be honest. It also causes people to be more reserved with me. I am sure it is self telling but I like keeping most people at a distance.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Vendaval)

Post #: 24

RE: How do you resolve problems with the in-laws, etc. - 4/13/2007 1:12:39 PM

TigressFL

Posts: 239
Joined: 6/8/2006
Status: offline

If someone is a responsible adult that does not need his or family and friends to take care of him or her in any way then I must say that....

"You teach people how to treat you"

My mother learned many, many years ago not to get into my business and not to speak to me in a chastising manner. She tended to do that via phone until I told her...

"You have two choices: 1. Stop speaking to me and directing me as if I am a child OR 2. Hear the dial tone. I would then go silent. If she did not handle herself properly "immediately" then I would hang up on her and not answer the phone if she called back. If in person I would leave, etc. My mother is not that type of person that one can just sit down and nicely discuss this type of thing with. If someone is capable of learning simply by you nicely talking to them about it them do try it first!

The same holds true for other friends and family. I am not going to tolerate it period.... I do not "owe" it to anyone to take it! You must be consistent. There is no "small infraction". Just remember or teach your spouse to embrace "Adulthood" and their right to be treated as such. If someone is simply toxic and refuses to act right no matter what you do then it just may be time to cut them out of the picture. Life is too short to allow such behavior!!

Just my opinion, good luck no matter what you do!

Tigress~FL

(in reply to Vendaval)

Post #: 25

RE: How do you resolve problems with the in-laws, etc. - 4/13/2007 2:50:13 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

My sister in law is a really horrible person. She has untreated abuse issues from her own family and therefore views every other family as being just the same. This despite my brother telling her that he was close to his. She erases messages left for him. She didn't even tell him when our grandmother died, I managed to finally track him down through his office just in time for him to make the funeral.

I don't call their home. I call his cell phone or his office. I send email to his office email because I'm not positive she can't open the home account. They as a couple are invited to important family gatherings where we are all formally polite to her and talk about only unimportant things, weather, fashion, news.

She behaves these days politely and always gets him to leave early. His choice. If he wants to see me, he does so without her.

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 26

RE: How do you resolve problems with the in-laws, etc. - 4/13/2007 3:07:21 PM

Vendaval

Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

Mistress Passion, you just made my day!

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE

http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 27

RE: How do you resolve problems with the in-laws, etc. - 4/13/2007 3:42:01 PM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

so.. ya think Jerry Springer could handle our family saga?

The Dominatrix & her Transsexual Submissive
vs.
Redneck Rampage accompanied by Right-Wing Roman Catholic Conservatives from NE

... I'm thinking we could fill a 2 hour special... without commercials

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to Vendaval)

Post #: 28

RE: How do you resolve problems with the in-laws, etc. - 4/13/2007 4:05:51 PM

Vendaval

Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

hee hee... 3 words, Pay-Per-View!

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE

http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 29

RE: How do you resolve problems with the in-laws, etc. - 4/13/2007 5:57:36 PM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
Status: offline

i have a serious problem with my racist, homophobic, bible-thumping sis-in-law who treats my brother like crap. She's a screamer and after a few fights i decided it was not worth the effort. Now, i occassionally see my brother but never her -- which means i am excluded from all family gatherings. i guess this is her revenge. i think it's a sad state of affairs but i have proffered the olive branch and she just won't let go of her anger. i console myself that while i might have some lonely times, she is eating herself alive with anger.

pinksugarsub

_____________________________

(in reply to Vendaval)

Post #: 30

RE: How do you resolve problems with the in-laws, etc. - 4/13/2007 6:27:15 PM

Aswad

Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

so.. ya think Jerry Springer could handle our family saga? The Dominatrix & her Transsexual Submissive vs. Redneck Rampage accompanied by Right-Wing Roman Catholic Conservatives from NE ... I'm thinking we could fill a 2 hour special... without commercials

And I thought I had issues with my family at times...

Are there any of us in here who have a harmonious relationship with their family, and whose family are in the know?

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 31

RE: How do you resolve problems with the in-laws, etc. - 4/13/2007 6:30:45 PM

Aswad

Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub

i have a serious problem with my racist, homophobic, bible-thumping sis-in-law who treats my brother like crap. She's a screamer and after a few fights i decided it was not worth the effort. Now, i occassionally see my brother but never her -- which means i am excluded from all family gatherings. i guess this is her revenge. i think it's a sad state of affairs but i have proffered the olive branch and she just won't let go of her anger. i console myself that while i might have some lonely times, she is eating herself alive with anger.

Have you tried talking to the other family members? And, do you know what her gripe with you is, specifically? Just curious.

There's a lot of people I really don't like, but try to get along with. Some of them are worth hanging on to, others not so much. Admittedly, none of those go screaming off their heads at me. If they did, I'd probably set them straight and leave.

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 32

RE: How do you resolve problems with the in-laws, etc. - 4/14/2007 5:51:10 AM

nobullshit2005

Posts: 2
Joined: 9/15/2004
Status: offline

MstrssPassion, I like your sense of humor! MsLynn (Nobullshit2005)

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 33

RE: How do you resolve problems with the in-laws, etc. - 4/14/2007 8:36:10 AM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aswad

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub

i have a serious problem with my racist, homophobic, bible-thumping sis-in-law who treats my brother like crap. She's a screamer and after a few fights i decided it was not worth the effort. Now, i occassionally see my brother but never her -- which means i am excluded from all family gatherings. i guess this is her revenge. i think it's a sad state of affairs but i have proffered the olive branch and she just won't let go of her anger. i console myself that while i might have some lonely times, she is eating herself alive with anger.

Have you tried talking to the other family members? And, do you know what her gripe with you is, specifically? Just curious.

There's a lot of people I really don't like, but try to get along with. Some of them are worth hanging on to, others not so much. Admittedly, none of those go screaming off their heads at me. If they did, I'd probably set them straight and leave.

Have tried speaking to other family members; no joy. Also, her gripe is that i called her a racist homophobe. i did leave out the parts about bible-thumping and treating my brother like crap.

Apparently, it's cool to be a racist homophobe but it's not cool to have anyone else point the fact out.

pinksugarsub

_____________________________

(in reply to Aswad)

Post #: 34

RE: How do you resolve problems with the in-laws, etc. - 4/14/2007 9:51:40 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I fortunately never really had this problem, as when I was married, my hubby's mother had been dead for years, and his dad lived about 3 hours away, and we only saw him occasionally - plus, all of his relatives were fairly sane, nice folks. I truly lucked out.

My sister had a slight in-laws problem, though. Every holiday, despite the fact she has a relatively high-pressured, part-time career, and handles all of the domestic stuff at her home, and has a son w/medical issues, her spoiled, rich sisters-in-law (none of whom work) won't lift a finger to ever prepare any kind of family-gathering dinners. Like Christmas or Easter dinners, birthdays, etc.

She's prepared all of these dinners (for like 25 people), w/one or two exceptions, for 18 years, and was feeling totally taken for granted. She'd dropped a few hints it would be nice for someone else to host once in a while, but her hints were ignored.

The one time one of her sisters-in-law did manage to host one holiday dinner, she (seriously) didn't even know how to use her own kitchen oven, and burned the meal, and they all had to go to a restaurant instead (kinda funny). IMO, these girls could use a few basic etiquette lessons.

So this past Christmas, she sent out her usual holiday dinner invitations (to which they of course couldn't even find the time to rsvp, despite the fact they almost always show up, and bring un-invited guests with them besides). My sister waited until everyone arrived, and then she said to everyone (and she had "cleared" saying and doing this with her mother-in-law, a few days before-hand) :

"Okay everyone, I have a big surprise. It might seem unusual, but I think it will maybe be fun for all. Hop in your cars, I am taking everyone to KFC for dinner."

She meant it, and they did it! I admired her nerve. Her sisters-in-law got a little "huffy" over the perceived "quality" of the meal, but they got over it. My sister also announced at that dinner, that her work schedule was growing, and she doubted she'd be able to host any more holiday dinners for a few years.

So now, she and they apparently all go to restaurants, since the sisters-in-law cannot cook to save their lives. It was extreme, maybe, for her to do that, but she'd "had it" - and it worked. Can't say I can really blame her for doing that, either.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 4/14/2007 10:44:26 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 35

RE: How do you resolve problems with the in-laws, etc. - 4/14/2007 11:34:14 AM

zindyslave

Posts: 601
Joined: 1/14/2007
Status: offline

I have only told one person I am close to about my and Masters relationship and that was my best friend. My family doesn't know, and even tho we live with my Father-in-Law he works alot and that is when we do things really, or if he isn't working we are pretty quiet. So, I don't have the in law problem and my friend was just curious and totally accepts my relationship and asks questions when he thinks of something he wants to ask. Of course I have had problems with my family and if that was to be one of them I would be with the group of telling them to fuck off which I already have to some members because they just don't like my Master for other reasons.

_____________________________

http://www.myspace.com/zindygirl

Only when you see the invisible can you do the impossible.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 36

RE: How do you resolve problems with the in-laws, etc. - 4/14/2007 11:54:54 AM

cjenny

Posts: 1736
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline

Foolishly I let one of my sisters know that I am submissive. My family has planned an 'intervention' for me...I'm angry, I'm hurt & I don't know how to respond to them now.
They consider me to be a complete and hopeless deviant, not even fit to visit my nieces.
I have no rebuttal for them, I am who I am.

_____________________________

*Unless I cite a source it is MO.

~ ssssh. i think i've just found freedom. ~

(in reply to zindyslave)

Post #: 37

RE: How do you resolve problems with the in-laws, etc. - 4/14/2007 12:08:16 PM

Sunshine119

Posts: 611
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline

Complete and total deviant can be a good thing. Scares away the relatives with whom you really don't want any interactions anyway.

_____________________________

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

(in reply to cjenny)

Post #: 38

RE: How do you resolve problems with the in-laws, etc. - 4/14/2007 12:53:24 PM

Aswad

Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub

Have tried speaking to other family members; no joy. Also, her gripe is that i called her a racist homophobe. i did leave out the parts about bible-thumping and treating my brother like crap.

Apparently, it's cool to be a racist homophobe but it's not cool to have anyone else point the fact out.

Yeah. People don't like to have flaws pointed out, usually. Especially when those flaws are politically uncorrect to have. She probably doesn't see herself as racist or homophobic... perhaps apologizing for saying it, and then slowly changing her POV? Takes a lot of patience, but can give good results.

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 39

RE: How do you resolve problems with the in-laws, etc. - 4/14/2007 1:03:50 PM

Aswad

Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cjenny

Foolishly I let one of my sisters know that I am submissive. My family has planned an 'intervention' for me...I'm angry, I'm hurt & I don't know how to respond to them now. They consider me to be a complete and hopeless deviant, not even fit to visit my nieces. I have no rebuttal for them, I am who I am.

How about asking a kink aware professional to show up for the intervention with you to explain that what you're doing is safe, sane, consensual and indeed fairly ordinary?

Or, since it appears things are defaulting to going to hell in a handbasket anyway, invite them to watch a scene that doesn't involve anything excessively offensive, to show the dynamics involved. Drop the hard play, anything involving sex, and any humiliation play, and make sure they know what they're in for. Perhaps at least one of them might be curious enough to try to understand. And if not, it'll probably be a clean break.

I'd suggest the former solution, though.

(in reply to cjenny)

Post #: 40

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