RE: lie of omission?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: lie of omission?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: lie of omission?

Page: << < prev 1 2 3 [4]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: lie of omission? - 5/16/2009 9:39:50 AM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeptha
SylvereApLeanan, thank you for the reply.
-I want it to be about something else (...something that *I* think is reasonable!), but wanting doesn't make it so.

I'm going to read his book sometime, but in the meanwhile it sounds like you know more about it than I do, and I fear that you are probably right.

You're welcome, though I doubt I know much more about it than you. I only know a little because I had to do a paper on polyamory. His book was mentioned in a couple of my source materials so I did a quick Google search on it so I'd know what radical honesty is. From the descriptions I found, it's not something I would care to practice. I'll take a little "sugar coating" (read: tact and diplomacy) and filtering, thanks. Honesty doesn't require brutality.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to Jeptha)

Profile

Post #: 61

RE: lie of omission? - 5/16/2009 9:41:41 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

Wow... Its really cool we have so many perfect people here on collarme. Daddy and i have been together a short time(2 years) and we have both lied to each other. my husband and i have been together 25 years, and we have lied to each other.... i'm glad there are some UNperfect people in the world.... or i/ We would have been pretty lonely.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Profile

Post #: 62

RE: lie of omission? - 5/16/2009 10:02:10 AM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeptha

But now, come to find out, it's "lies of omission" (and not committing the same) that everybody can get their head around.

And I'm surprised and alarmed to see that everyone thinks they do this (not committing lies of omission, that is) because I don't know anyone who does this.

I think in fact that this is why there are priests and counselors and the psychiatrist's couch (and comic books) - sacred "safe" zones where the truth can actually be told.

The highlighted portion is, I think, the key. My fiance and I have created this type of space in our relationship. We know that it's safe and better to tell the truth to each other than to lie. Yes, we might get upset with each other, but we both know the other isn't going anywhere. We know that honesty isn't going to destroy our relationship, while lies most certainly will.

This isn't to say we don't create lies of omission outside our relationship. I'd be lying if I said I never lie, though I try to keep them to a minimum. For example, in my last job, I was required to lie by omission because of a corporate buy-out. I wasn't allowed to tell the truth to clients and it bothered me because lying is such a HUGE pet peeve for me. Thankfully, I no longer work for that company.

IMO, intimate relationships should create the same sacred safe space as the confessional or the therapy session. I never cease to be horrified at the casual acceptance so many people have for dishonesty in relationships. If I can't trust my partner to be honest, how can we ever achieve genuine intimacy? To me, the two go hand in hand. And if my partner is willing to lie about something small and trivial to "spare my feelings" what else is s/he willing to lie about? How can I trust s/he'll tell me the truth about important things if I can't trust I'm hearing the truth about little things?

The answer is: I can't.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to Jeptha)

Profile

Post #: 63

RE: lie of omission? - 5/16/2009 11:58:20 AM

Bstardsbitch

Posts: 154
Joined: 11/19/2005
Status: offline

Thanks DesFIP and simply Michael.
Made me take a whole new look at lies and liars. Never thought that maybe I had any responsibilty in the other persons lies. Well maybe I did deep down lol...........you lot just made it smack me in the face.
Thanks a bunch guys lol.
Seriously, it's surprising what you learn about yourself around these parts.
xx

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Profile

Post #: 64

RE: lie of omission? - 5/17/2009 10:08:15 AM

Jeptha

Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline

I thought SimplyMichael's statement about it taking two to create a lie of omission was an interesting one.

_____________________________

...YOU KNOW HOW I LIKE MY PORK CHOPS!
- - - - - - -
"....(somewhere) therein lies the truthiness..."
~*~*~*~*
http://www.myspace.com/crocusofiron

(in reply to Bstardsbitch)

Profile

Post #: 65

RE: lie of omission? - 5/17/2009 11:13:32 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Thanks for the kind words guys.

There are no absolutes and someone can just outright lie without you being involved in that act. It is sort of like a picture in a newspaper. At one distance it is nothing but dots, at another it is a clear image. How we move through the world is like like.

Take an extreme case, rape.

A woman walking to her car at night gets raped.

It is not her fault and all blame lies with the rapist - Very true.

However, a woman walking alone COULD ask someone to go with her, could park closer, could do something to reduce the risk. Not having done those things does NOT make her guilty, however, some behaviors bring more risk than others.

Most things in life exist on some sort of continium from one extreme to another and often in a bell shape. Sitting in your house and someone breaks in and rapes you, that is pretty much all the way on the "not my fucking fault in any way" end of the spectrum. Being 18, going to clubs, getting drunk, accepting drinks from strangers is pretty much smack dab in the fat point of the high risk of getting raped. While it isn't the fault of the victim in any way, a bit of "what the fuck did you expect" comes into play when you are doing something highly risky.

However, the lesson I was trying to convey is that one can take a "its all their fault" approach which usually feels good but doesn't help you grow, or you can step back and look at your part in whatever happened and grow from it. Its like the doms who throw out anyone who doesn't obey easily from day one. If you instead HELP someone obey, HELP someone become better, they are likely to see you as someone special and the bond will deepen. Doesn't mean you should accept lies but step back and look at that lie in the context in which it occured and see if by changing the context, the need to lie goes away.

(in reply to Jeptha)

Profile

Post #: 66

RE: lie of omission? - 5/17/2009 11:24:17 AM

Phoenixpower

Posts: 8098
Status: offline

lies via omission....oh yes, they are definitely lies and big no-no's....like a date who told me to have the weight of 260lbs but was in reality somewhere 400-450lbs...that did not go down well....or another date who never bothered to tell me that he has spina bifida and is wheelchair bound since birth and made sure that this is not seen via webcam?....did not go down well either...despite that it is a lie it also felt like "I won't tell her now, once she sees me she will like me because I have such a great personality..."

Well, if I travel around half of the world, to see what a wanker I am facing at the end (as a person with such behaviour I don't have to give another name then that), that does NOT repair the situation in any way. I am not judging about shape and disabilities, but I am honest about my conditions as well and do not expect less from a potential partner....because starting off a relationship with a lie...is getting you to nowhere (IMO).

_____________________________

RIP 08-09-07

The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

(in reply to uncollaredcandy)

Profile

Post #: 67

RE: lie of omission? - 5/17/2009 11:47:36 AM

Bstardsbitch

Posts: 154
Joined: 11/19/2005
Status: offline

Michael, I was thinking more of when I was lied to in a vanilla marraige. I can see clearly now why he would lie to me.
Me, making it perfectly clear, that "I would never be with someone who did ******" or "I hate people who do********". Yup can sure see why he lied rather than tell me lol. I think I would have lied to me too.
Is this what they call a lgihtbulb moment? lol
xx

(in reply to Phoenixpower)

Profile

Post #: 68

RE: lie of omission? - 5/17/2009 12:01:10 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Hey, you just made my day! Thanks.

(in reply to Bstardsbitch)

Profile

Post #: 69

RE: lie of omission? - 5/17/2009 12:07:50 PM

Bstardsbitch