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RE: left confused - 4/13/2007 7:14:23 PM

arayofsunshine55

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

quote:

ORIGINAL: Subalways

I guess they are really not Master material.

In you're mind, they aren't. In their mind, they are. Some people find that this is fun role play. Others find that it is a lifestyle. It seems that you are looking for the latter, so all you have to do is move on when you find that someone else is not. Both ways of approaching WIITWD are valid.

Master Fire

Amen. You can decide someone is not compatible without having to decide s/he is not "real".

_____________________________

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Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

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RE: left confused - 4/13/2007 8:48:10 PM

Totalmaster4you

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Communication is the key. you need to tell him what your needs are and what your wants are. Yes they are different things and need to be treated differently. Don't be surprised if he's not happy either. The bottom line is you each have to know each others expectations and make sure that you keep that part of your relationship rooted firmly in the real world.

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RE: left confused - 4/14/2007 4:43:07 AM

Poldark

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Are you sub 24/7? I would think you would accept happily whatever your Dom decided. Is he supposed to live up to your ideal of what a Dom is or be himself? True there are a lot of wannabes out there, cuts both ways tho.

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RE: left confused - 4/14/2007 5:11:30 AM

MadRabbit

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Almost as annoying as submissives who are only submissive when they are horny.

People simply dont identify as one thing all the time. A dog is a dog all the time, but human beings have far more complicated and complex identites. For example, I identify as a dominant, a cook, a son, a landlord, and a friend.

When I go to work, I identify as a cook. I act a certain way to get along with the other cooks. I am focused on getting things accomplished in a very short amount of time. I am loud, rude, and a bit of an asshole because this is how people act in professional kitchens. (Lately, the label of "whiner" has been added since I have been more than just a little sleep deprived with my other job).

If I had a job as a chef, I would identity as a chef and act differently then I would as a cook. As a cook, I wont ride people's asses or bitch at them for being late. I wont be concerned with food costs or shaving overtime. As a chef, I would do all these things because my job is different and thus my identity is different.

When I am with my friends, I dont act like any of these things. I identity as a friend. I am layed back, casual, and humorous. I dont constantly correct their mistakes, get mad at them for being late to meet me, and I am rarely ever loud or rude. The situtation changes and so does my identity.

If I was with my father, I would identity as a son. I wont refer to him as "dude" like with my friends, make crude sexual jokes, or talk a little shit like I would do if I was identitifing as a friend.

Am I suffering from multiple personality disorder? No.

All these things are simply parts of a whole identity that equals "ME". Certain parts come out at certain times based on the situtation. We as human beings wear different hats in different situations. I wear the chef hat when I am at work and the friend hat when with friends.

Just like a fireman would put on his fireman helment to go to work, but wear a baseball cap to go hang out with his buddies. It would be pretty awkward if he had a big fireman helment on at the bar with his buddies, wont it?

When I am with a submissive, I can take on my dominant identity, I am demanding, bossy, decisive, controlling, and act like a parent figure towards them. I am more reserved, calmer, self controlled then I would be at the fast paced enviroment of a restaurant.

However, I cant always idenitity as a dominant or be in that headspace. I have to go to work, I have to have friends, I have to visit my father. Hence, I am dominant, but I cant always behave in the way I would with a submissive in private or in venue. Thats just reality. (Another example of this I have noticed is "Low Protocol" and "High Protocol" times).

Also, being relatively new to this, I still have problems with my identitiy. I have a habit of identitying as a boyfriend rather than a dominant with submissives. This behavior only gets corrected with time as I get more and more comfortable with my own headspace and dominant identity and habitually act more like my dominant identity then the boyfriend identity I have grown accustomed to.

So before you jump to conclusions, try to understand that the mental aspects of this arent a simple on and off light switch. I would also take a good look at yourself and ask are you always in your submissive mindset or identity 24/7.

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 4/14/2007 5:13:50 AM >

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RE: left confused - 4/14/2007 6:22:19 AM

Subalways

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I want to Thank everyone for the feedback you have given me. I have seen many strong points that I had not taken into consideration. I am still new and learning as I walk down this new path in my life. I have taken the time to step back and truly think about my situation. Instead of criticizing my Master I should put this energy toward improving myself.

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RE: left confused - 4/14/2007 7:18:38 AM

Hrafnkel

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I loved the comments by N4SDChastity, Sir Dominic, aldompdx, and Master Fire.

I dont want to make it sound like being dominant is a chore, but it can be draining to be constantly accountable, in touch, lucid, etc. Remember whatever a submissive mentally gives over to a dominant, he in turn has to pick up. We're human and sometimes we can carry more of that than others.

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RE: left confused - 4/14/2007 7:36:04 AM

SimplyMichael

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Don't you just hate it when they don't dominate you exactly how you want?

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RE: left confused - 4/14/2007 8:00:13 AM

amuzingtoyou

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subalways,
An important thing to remember is that any domiant is also human. That means they have a life outside of D/s. They may have a job and other responsiblities that take them away from being a "dominant". Im not quite sure what your definition of a dominant is. So make sure your and his definition match. And being a dominant does not mean you don't have bouts of your own problems and insecurities. Dominants are not gods. They are not going to be perfect 100 percent of the time. They are not even going to be right 100 percent of time.
missi

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RE: left confused - 4/14/2007 3:24:40 PM

Subalways

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Have a good day everyone

< Message edited by Subalways -- 4/14/2007 3:29:45 PM >

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RE: left confused - 4/14/2007 4:15:14 PM

MrRodgers

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Subalways

I think he is still in the mindset that he doesnt feeling comfortable with the feelings he has. After sitting here and really giving it a great deal of thought I believe I could give him more assurance. This is the first time into a relationship of this nature for both of us. I think for some to get over that mental block of what is normal is very hard. I think I could give a little more on my end and see what happens. As with anything it takes a lot of time and communication.

You two just need a thought...a spark. Play Dr. and he is THE MAN with the cure for your kinky afflictions..."tell me what is your prescription doctor ?" "Tell me what to do Dr." Some role along those lines could get both of you...over any mental blocks.

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RE: left confused - 4/14/2007 5:49:53 PM

CrazyC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Hrafnkel

I dont want to make it sound like being dominant is a chore, but it can be draining to be constantly accountable, in touch, lucid, etc. Remember whatever a submissive mentally gives over to a dominant, he in turn has to pick up. We're human and sometimes we can carry more of that than others.

Does a Dom really have to pick up where the sub submits? I always thought it was more...I hand over whatever it is, but it is still the Dom's choice to take it or not. It seems that requiring that they HAVE to do something will leave too large of a burden for the Dom.

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RE: left confused - 4/14/2007 6:08:27 PM

LadyHugs

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Dear Subalways, Ladies and Gentlemen;

What is Master material? Answers will be many and different due to individuals having in their mind what should/would/could/is and or is not Master material.

Being that I do identify as a Master and a Lady; experience teaches that being Master or slave is being a living art. Because humans are not static, we cannot logiclly expect someone to hold a pose for hours on end. Humans require rest, time to eat and a time to sit in the 'out house and sit on the throne and read the scroll of toilet tissue.' It would also be unwise to hold you to standards that are unreasonable for your life and situation under the standard of 'submissive' or 'slave.' Nobody can 'always' be submissive or Master. Life interrupts.

What I see in my mind's eyes based on post #1; is that expectations in your mind's eyes is much different after the courting period/honeymoon period is over. People do behave their best when seeking and most times after that; the luster is gone. This should start conversations and communications to this Master that being a Master is not a game or something that has an on and off switch. To communicate how you need to be fed, emotionally, spiritually, mentally an physically must be addressed.

If it is found to be a miss match, then if there is no remedy to the situation which causes such unhappiness--its time to move on. Treat it as a life's lesson rather then a drama filled tragic moment. Some individuals really have no grasp of how much work being a Master is. The same can be said for slaves. It is a life style choice and perhaps to him a weekend warrior type style. It would all be assumptions at this point as we do not have his side of the story.

Master and slave and what is real, true and such--is a matter of personal perception of what it is and often perception is really a matter of assumption.

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

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RE: left confused - 4/14/2007 6:35:52 PM

Suleiman

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I have always mantained that the vast majority of people are, as freud put it, polymorphously perverse. That is to say, while we all have our preferences, for most of us, it's just that - a preference. Life is life, and it's not all whips and chains and kinky sex. That's bloody exhausting. Some people will intrinsically act in a domineering sort of way, just as some people will intrinsically act in a submissive manner (and some folks like me will cloud the issue by doing both at the same time), but for the most part, it really isn't possible to be in-scene 24/7. Take a break once in a while. Snuggle on the couch. Rent a movie and eat some popcorn. Relax and live a little. You might like it.

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RE: left confused - 4/14/2007 6:37:37 PM

Slavetrainer2007

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I am not "On" all the time. Because i live in a realistic world. I have to adapt to that world. For example, at work i have to be submissive-neutral. I let my boss lead when he is their. When he is not i lead. We cant both lead. One has to be alpha and since he pays me he get the privlage and i take the back seat. When i get home, especially on a tiring long day( i do physical labor outdoors), it is sometimes hard to switch back to dom mode. Ive been submissive-neutral all day, and switching gears sometimes requires effort because they are opposite mindsets.

It is hard to be dom. We have to adapt our personalities to play nice with others. If i was sub i wouldnt have to switch gears because i dont need to be dom at work. But then a sub in a dom position( such as a manager or supervisor) may have the same problem. But as a dom unless i own the ladder im always in a sub postion on it. And switching back to dom when i get home is sometimes alot of effort.

Ive had this debate with my own sub. She said i need to dominate me all the time to keep me in line. I said i need you to submit to my will ALL THE TIME SO I DONT HAVE TO KEEP YOU IN LINE. She said that is impossible, sometimes im stubborn and rebellious and thats how i am. And i said you just proved my point.

This is like me saying, i need you to be wet and horny all the time. IS that unrealistic? Can you do that if you have a bad day? if your tired? at 4 am when i get up for work?

I am always dom, I dont always act dom. I dont act submissive either. I act neutral, easy going.

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