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i need opinions...they matter... - 4/13/2007 9:05:27 PM

thekajiracat

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Joined: 1/11/2005
From: South Carolina
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goodness knows i hate to post this in this fashion, like an attention whore...but i posted a story that i wrote in the journal section of my profile and i would really like some opinions on it. am i wasting my time with this obsession or should i continue with my writing? im not asking that everyone flock to my profile so that i am the center of attention, i only ask that anyone interested please read it and comment on it if Youd like. i hope everyone is well and i hope to hear from You all.

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RE: i need opinions...they matter... - 4/13/2007 9:19:23 PM

TheHeretic

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Keep writing. Take a few classes. Sounds like a fun type of scene.

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RE: i need opinions...they matter... - 4/13/2007 9:28:18 PM

thekajiracat

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From: South Carolina
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thank you for the advice..i have taken a few creative writing classes here and there. it was a lovely scene in r/t...i dont think im capable of writing a story that would depict it quite as accurately as i would like to while still having some class and taste. i tried though, thank you for reading it, i really do appreciate it.

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RE: i need opinions...they matter... - 4/13/2007 10:02:11 PM

hisannabelle

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From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
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in terms of the writing itself, there's too much telling and not enough showing, imho. but i think all writers have that problem...it lessens sometimes, with time, but even seasoned writers (and i am not one, and i do this all the time, too) have this issue. the best way i've found to do it is to overload the showing - ground it into every sense you possibly can. it's much easier to take away from description and sensory detail than it is to not have enough. remember...you know exactly what it feels like to you, because you're imagining it. other people won't know...you have to find a way to convey the feelings and emotions tied into the scene you're invisioning to people who can't see what you see. when you are in your own writing space, you can have as little class and taste as you want. if it's necessary to lapse in class and taste (whatever that means for you) to get your point across, at least try it and see if it works. if it doesn't, you can always change the parts you don't like...but it just might. it's worth trying.

overall, though, keep taking classes. they help. :) keep writing. that helps :) work on feeling comfortable revising your own work and looking at it as objectively as you possibly can...for some people, being in a workshop setting and being able to do that with other people's work makes it easier to do it with their own. i have the hardest time editing my own stuff, but i found that after i learned i could easily tell what to edit in other people's work a lot of the time, i learned better how to edit my own. for other people, it's a matter of going away and coming back later. i never used to believe in revision, but it really does wonders.

anyway, i think you should keep writing :)

edited to add: i wanted to point out that i think anyone is incredibly brave to be interested in writing good erotica, and to attempt it. to me, sex is the most difficult thing to write, especially without seeming mannered or getting caught up in cliches. so i think you deserve a round of applause just for doing this AND being open to suggestions. definitely don't stop. :)

< Message edited by hisannabelle -- 4/13/2007 10:08:57 PM >

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RE: i need opinions...they matter... - 4/13/2007 10:13:28 PM

thekajiracat

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thank you for the advice. it was very hard for me initially to write erotically whatsoever. i started out writing childrens stories...short story compilations. it is very hard, as you said, to write so that other people can feel what i imagined while writing. i will have to work on that! thank you again, for your advice and also for your well wishes....as i said...these opinions really matter to me!

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RE: i need opinions...they matter... - 4/13/2007 10:51:20 PM

corsetgirl

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Keep going with the class because I love creative writing and used to do a lot of research in helping me learn about new things.

I also enjoy writing some erotica when I am in the mood and I get some inspiring ideas. Never stop with what you do, I have a bachelor's degree, which is something I earned and nobody can take that away from me.

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RE: i need opinions...they matter... - 4/13/2007 10:57:03 PM

thekajiracat

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thank you. im going to keep writing, ive written books since i was about 8. its not a career choice for me but it is a great stress reliever. i love it!

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RE: i need opinions...they matter... - 4/14/2007 12:30:09 AM

Sinergy

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Hello thekajiracat,

Nice story, and since you asked, I will give you my opinion.

I once took a writers workshop where the instructor said for us to go somewhere and describe what we
see without description or judgement. I wrote about a particular fight I had with a student. I described the way she looked out of my helmet. I described what I did. I described what I was thinking about what I did. I did not describe anything about her. I did not attempt to explain her emotions. One line that comes to mind is "as I laughed softly and chillingly in her ear her body stiffened." I know what I did, I could feel what her reaction was, but I did not attempt to describe it. I did not list any emotions or feelings or anything.

I turned it in. The feedback I got back from the teacher was that the simplicity of the work was the source of it's power. It really caused a visceral reaction in the reader, according to her.

It has been published in 4 or 5 places as recently as a couple of years ago, and has been referred to on a bunch of internet sites.

My advice to you is to rewrite the story from your personal point of view, and let your descriptions of what is happening, and how you interact, etc., clue the reader in to the connection. Less is more.

Good luck!

Sinergy

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RE: i need opinions...they matter... - 4/14/2007 4:45:53 AM

goodlittlegirl28

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A good story. I think what everyone has said so far is excellent advice. Specifically, I agree with Sinergy that less is more. I would add to it that sometimes adjectives and adverbs muck things up-- they are the easy way out on description, and that's when writing ends up sounding like trying to write instead of telling a story. You might consider using more carefully chosen verbs and nouns as descriptors.

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RE: i need opinions...they matter... - 4/14/2007 8:04:15 AM

Termyn8or

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thekajiracat;

Not bad. I have no comment about classes because I am self educated.

Now, I have no class or taste to cast off here, so here goes. You did well, but during the 'tomato' times you might throw in more detail. In other words as you think of the timeline in what you write, so you think of the timeline of the reader. There are certain things that could be dwelled upon, to sort of let it soak into the reader's mind more deeply.

Timelines are hard to deal with. Many writers try to put things in a chronological order, which makes sense, unlike Reseroir Dogs for example. But some go so far as to try to time it, and that is not necessarily what is needed. Keeping the sight on the goal can be hard, define the goal in your mind repeatedly. I need to get the idea across as accurately as possible, and make it interesting to read. Were there times that seemed like forever, did some times go too fast ? And should that be transferred to the story ? Or should you dwell on the climax ?

Those are questions for the author only, and the results, including incoming opinions become a guide.

Here's what might be a nice little exercise for you. I've written a story, shortly referred to as FSTA. Probably not your cup of tea but it got published on the web. But what might be of more interest is a little piece I got started called Cherry Girl.

This was new territory for me, because I am a 46 year old Man with a stable job and I am a dominant who likes to bottom (the switches have thrown me out lol). Well I wrote this story from the perspective of a 25 year old hooker on drugs. FSTA was written in first person, as this is, but a different person. In FSTA I envisioned myself as the main character, but in Cherry Girl there is no way to do that.

So this average (perhaps $50 a ride) hooker gets kidnapped by a very rich and powerful Man who transforms her life. After she submits, truly submits, she if offered a pile of money and the door, and decides to stay.

What you wrote is about a scene. It is a fine part of a story. I include scenes in mine, they belong there. And remember this is a story not a journal. If you were to embellish it, no problem. Make that scene happen the first day you met Him if you like. Let it all take you by surprise.

Many erotic writers do not like to put alot of life's details into the story. Actually Giles English is like that. He has been published on the web. In correspondence with him I had to ask, about his story Chastity Planet, just how they got there. I got my answer, but IMO it should've been in the story.

I put alot of life's details into FSTA, I am talking marriage and raising four kids, all the while having a kinky lifestyle with two Wives. That's when I learned about timeline.

When you go on to write some epic novel, timeline is a precious resource you can't use foolishly. Actually FSTA came to a halt because of it. People are getting old. It needs a rewrite. But whether that will ever happen is up in the air.

If you like writing, you'll get to that point, where you want a whole story, more than just a night, or a tryst. It is addictive. One of these days you'll be typing and look at the clock and see it is 4 AM and say "Oh shit".

Best of luck.

If you want to read the beginning of FSTA just search for Future Shock The Appliance. That is probably not your cup of tea but I think you'd like Cherry Girl. I'll make it available soon.

T

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RE: i need opinions...they matter... - 4/14/2007 11:00:00 AM

sambamanslilgirl

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it's a good piece however, to me it seemed hurried and rushed in your words. there's no imagery and literary flow to spark any imagination and excited passion for the reader to cream for more. one point bothered me - how did he know she bit into the first tomato - you did sort of addressed it by the use of her eyes but for the reader, sometimes you have to do this, there has to be a sense of moment that says "oh no, he knows she broke the tomato" (i write professionally if you can tell).

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RE: i need opinions...they matter... - 4/14/2007 11:55:14 AM

popeye1250

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Here's a tip, try to write a story the same way you'd tell a good joke.
A good joke implants a lot of information in the listeners' mind just like those radio shows of the 30's and 40's.
Lots of details.

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