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When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/14/2007 6:10:14 PM

stella40

Posts: 417
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: London, UK
Status: offline

Hello. I'm looking for advice. I'm a submissive in the UK and have found a wonderful Domme in the US via Collarme, we have a wonderful online relationship and I am preparing to relocate to her (after some time, I'm a transsexual in transition, plus we want to visit each other first).

We are both sure that we want to be together, and want this to be a permanent 24/7 relationship where she is Domme and I am submissive. Recently she's mentioned that I don't seem to be submissive, but I am explaining that I want to get to know her as a person, a friend, as she is, good, bad, everything, so that I can learn how to submit to her totally over time and when we are together real time.

I really want to be her final and true submissive,and I want to submit to her totally.

Am I right in my thinking, that I want to get to know her first before I submit, and then submit to her without any reservation or limitations to her desire to dominate?

What do you think?

_____________________________

I try to take one day at a time, but several days come and attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)

If you can't be a good example then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

Post #: 1

RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/14/2007 6:26:37 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Maybe ask her how you can start showing her in little ways, maybe? I don't think it's wrong to want to get to know her as a person first, no. It makes perfect sense (to me).

It sounds like she pretty much feels good about you, too, if you are re-locating to be with her and she wants that, etc. So I'd just ask her how to "start small" in this regard.

That way, you can still maybe feel relatively "safe" with doing it, but reassure her of your intentions, and go from there (if she questions this, somehow, that you can go from "zero to sixty" without having really done it with her at all, yet - although I think if you believe you can, you can. But I can see how she might need some reassurance of it).

Good luck, and congratulations!

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 4/14/2007 6:32:12 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to stella40)

Post #: 2

RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/14/2007 8:17:59 PM

PsyVamp

Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Maybe ask her how you can start showing her in little ways, maybe? I don't think it's wrong to want to get to know her as a person first, no. It makes perfect sense (to me).

It sounds like she pretty much feels good about you, too, if you are re-locating to be with her and she wants that, etc. So I'd just ask her how to "start small" in this regard.

That way, you can still maybe feel relatively "safe" with doing it, but reassure her of your intentions, and go from there (if she questions this, somehow, that you can go from "zero to sixty" without having really done it with her at all, yet - although I think if you believe you can, you can. But I can see how she might need some reassurance of it).

Good luck, and congratulations!

- Susan

I agree with Susan... and I can only tell you how I feel about submissiveness
I don't expect the men I speak with to be submissive to me from the first email. I would like to know that we have some kind of chemistry first and then start slowly.

Psy

_____________________________

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 3

RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/14/2007 8:42:10 PM

MistressLorelei

Posts: 997
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline

I would expect that anyone would want to get to know most everything about a person before submitting to them. I want someone who will want to submit to me based on my own merit, and not because I have checked the 'Dominant' box on my profile. I don't see much sincerity in someone who will submit to just anyone.

You are planning to change your life and to move to another country for someone else. I hope you will make sure who that someone else is first. I agree that taking small steps towards total submission is likely the best plan. The heart of a D/s relationship is the bond shared between two people, and that doesn't happen in an instant.

Good luck.

(in reply to PsyVamp)

Post #: 4

RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/14/2007 8:45:38 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

If you are long distance then I would say starting with small shows of submission would be not only safe but very adventageous. She would see how willing you are to serve her and you would not suffer any ill effects of your service. While I understand the desire to get to know someone completely before submitting to them completely, starting small is good for you both. If you are already willing to relocate for her, then being comfortable enough to submit online or on the phone should be easy.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to MistressLorelei)

Post #: 5

RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/14/2007 8:59:33 PM

MsCfromMelbourne

Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella40

Recently she's mentioned that I don't seem to be submissive,

Am I right in my thinking, that I want to get to know her first before I submit, and then submit to her without any reservation or limitations to her desire to dominate?

What do you think?

First, congratulations.

Second, don't be scared to ask her "what do you mean, Mistress?" when she says you do not seem to be submissive.

What does she mean? She must have some expectations. Do they match your idea of submission? It would be a real bummer if you spent lots of time getting to know her, submitted in your own way and it was not what she wanted.

Third, remember every submissive is unique and submits in his or her own way. You do not have to be a doormat (which obviously you are not) to be a submissive. Don't change your personality to fit anyone else's cookie cutter ideas what submisisives should be.

Find someone who loves and appreciates you the way you are (thats my wish for everyone on the planet actually)

_____________________________

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(in reply to stella40)

Post #: 6

RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/14/2007 9:28:48 PM

TexasMaam

Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

I'm sure I'll get flamed for My personal penchant for protocol here, but you asked, so I'll answer:

Submission takes many forms. The act of submission is a gift to be treasured and to be reserved for that special One, certainly, but you don't have to submit TO her in order to "be submissive".

Anytime I interview a sub and begin to get to know them before deciding whether they will work out as a potential sub for Me, I always expect the submissive nature to be there, long before I issue any assignment, or give any directive, or ask any compliance in an act of submission.

For example, if he asks to take Me to lunch so that we can get acquainted, I will ask that he meet Me at a specific time, at a specific door, and wait at the door for My arrival. When I get there, he'd better be standing like a polite doorman, looking for Me. If he is not, (probably because he will feel slightly embarrassed at having to smile at all of the passers by), then I question whether he is sincere in his desire to serve me. If he IS at that door, looking a little sheepish, I'll be impressed: That is a submissive nature, a quality that I will recognize and appreciate.

Or, during lunch, I might say 'this coffee is a bit too cold for My taste, won't you go to the waitress and ask her to bring me a fresh cup?'.... if he smiles and goes to find the waitress, as I just asked, rather than wait for the waitress to flag her down for Me, That is a submissive nature, and I'll be pleased and impressed..

I use all kinds of small, gentle requests to evaluate a sub's willingness to put My wishes first - his responses and behaviours are what determine whether he's sincere enough, submissive in nature enough, to even hold My attention for another meeting.

Could it be that you are either missing, ignoring, or resisting these kinds of genteel or even direct requests for acquiescense to Her wishes?

If so, then She has good reason to remark on your 'not seeming very submissive'.

I simply don't see such tests of a man's innate nature as complex or intimate acts of submission. They are submissive behaviors, and as such indicate to Me how deeply submissive his intentions actually are. If a man displays gentility, protocol, manners and eagerly tries to please Me in our initial contacts, then he just might have the depth and sophistication of submissive spirit that I'm searching for.

I agree, you should certainly get to know Her before you permit Her to cuff your wrists, or bind you, or give you any kind of intimate commands or direction that would require your complete submission to Her will.

However, NOT allowing your submissive nature to surface in ways that indicate that you are truly submissive at heart is only preventing Her from seeing your potential as a sub.

Good luck to you,

TexasMaam

< Message edited by TexasMaam -- 4/14/2007 9:30:31 PM >

_____________________________

~ My opinions are not necessarily those of the management... ~

(in reply to stella40)

Post #: 7

RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/14/2007 9:34:49 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

Very well stated and written TM!!
Great response, you won't get flammed, I have your back.

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to TexasMaam)

Post #: 8

RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/14/2007 9:47:38 PM

kitbaloo

Posts: 59
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline

i find i agree with TM's response as a whole. very very well written.

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 9

RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/14/2007 9:48:41 PM

arayofsunshine55

Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella40

Hello. I'm looking for advice. I'm a submissive in the UK and have found a wonderful Domme in the US via Collarme, we have a wonderful online relationship and I am preparing to relocate to her (after some time, I'm a transsexual in transition, plus we want to visit each other first).

We are both sure that we want to be together, and want this to be a permanent 24/7 relationship where she is Domme and I am submissive. Recently she's mentioned that I don't seem to be submissive, but I am explaining that I want to get to know her as a person, a friend, as she is, good, bad, everything, so that I can learn how to submit to her totally over time and when we are together real time.

I really want to be her final and true submissive,and I want to submit to her totally.

Am I right in my thinking, that I want to get to know her first before I submit, and then submit to her without any reservation or limitations to her desire to dominate?

What do you think?

I don't understand this. You know her well enough to be preparing to relocate but not well enough to be yourself, to surrender a bit? Cause for me that is what this is about, being yourself. So for me there are ways that I can surrender to another's desires from the first email if I'm interested. I'm not taking about tasks or protocol and the like. But rather how I respond to another. Choosing not to push back on small things. Giving in on the small things which arise all the time -- like "I'll call you at 6pm tomorrow." That one is pretty simple and I don't need to know someone well at all to say "yes, of course, I will be sure to be available at that time". Simple ways to surrender.

She says you don't seem very submissive. That means there are things you are doing or are not doing that don't work for her. I'd ask for specifics. Cause she already knows she can give you small tasks etc. She wants something you are/aren't doing, not something she needs to do. I'd ask for more specific info. And notice when she says that to you, what has transpired. Again, if she thinks you are not as submissive as she desires I have no idea how you all are making plans to be permanently together 24/7.

Whatever happens, I know this seems very real to you but do not be surprised if the whole thing does not pan out as you desire. I try hard not to get too involved with someone I have not met. And if that means I need to get on a plane and travel 10,000 miles I'll do it.

Take care of yourself.

< Message edited by arayofsunshine55 -- 4/14/2007 9:59:23 PM >

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to stella40)

Post #: 10

RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/14/2007 9:58:49 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kitbaloo

i find i agree with TM's response as a whole. very very well written.

Welcome kitbaloo!

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to kitbaloo)

Post #: 11

RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/14/2007 10:02:52 PM

arayofsunshine55

Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TexasMaam

Just read this post and I also agree.

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to TexasMaam)

Post #: 12

RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/14/2007 10:05:05 PM

TexasMaam

Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

Why thank you, Mia, I'll take that compliment and raise you two singletails! ; ) TM

_____________________________

~ My opinions are not necessarily those of the management... ~

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 13

RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/14/2007 10:06:19 PM

MissSCD

Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline

TM says it all. They are being very nice to you. I am impressed with that because they could have really got with this one.

Regards, Missscd

(in reply to arayofsunshine55)

Post #: 14

RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/14/2007 10:34:59 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TexasMaam

Submission takes many forms. The act of submission is a gift to be treasured and to be reserved for that special One, certainly, but you don't have to submit TO her in order to "be submissive".

Anytime I interview a sub and begin to get to know them before deciding whether they will work out as a potential sub for Me, I always expect the submissive nature to be there, long before I issue any assignment, or give any directive, or ask any compliance in an act of submission.

Absolutely, Ditto! And love the examples you gave.
This is precisely what I look for and similar to the ways I will make a few intial tests. And it is why I often have a problem with those who say, I am not your submisive so I don't have to be submissive to you. I don't disagree with the basic sentiment, but it always sounds like a bit of a challenge. There is a difference. And nothing , in My opinion, should ever preclude plain, old, good manners.
If someone approaches Me in the context of a submissive seeking a possible relationship, I do expect certain berhaviors to be natural and already present. I am always surprised at the number of "submissives" who don't seem to get this. Or maybe I am just another stickler for that protocol.

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to TexasMaam)

Post #: 15

RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/14/2007 10:40:09 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold

quote:

ORIGINAL: TexasMaam

Submission takes many forms. The act of submission is a gift to be treasured and to be reserved for that special One, certainly, but you don't have to submit TO her in order to "be submissive".

Anytime I interview a sub and begin to get to know them before deciding whether they will work out as a potential sub for Me, I always expect the submissive nature to be there, long before I issue any assignment, or give any directive, or ask any compliance in an act of submission.

Absolutely, Ditto! And love the examples you gave.
This is precisely what I look for and similar to the ways I will make a few intial tests. And it is why I often have a problem with those who say, I am not your submisive so I don't have to be submissive to you. I don't disagree with the basic sentiment, but it always sounds like a bit of a challenge. There is a difference. And nothing , in My opinion, should ever preclude plain, old, good manners.
If someone approaches Me in the context of a submissive seeking a possible relationship, I do expect certain berhaviors to be natural and already present. I am always surprised at the number of "submissives" who don't seem to get this. Or maybe I am just another stickler for that protocol.

Standing up and clapping, you ladies are out doing yourselves tonight!
Bravo!
How about, "Is it time for me to start being submissive now?" ROFL
So easy to "put on" submission and "take off" being submissive, but please
don't call these men "bottoms"! Even though I am only submissive when
I feel like being submissive with you, I am not a bottom! In fact on Friday nights,
I can "be a slave" for a few hours!
LMAO
Is it that easy for US to put on and take off being Dominant?

< Message edited by MzMia -- 4/14/2007 10:50:25 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)

Post #: 16

RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/15/2007 4:11:34 AM

stella40

Posts: 417
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: London, UK
Status: offline

Thank you for your responses. But for clarification my being submissive isn't a choice, it's the way I'm hardwired, the way I have to express myself and my feelings to feel fulfilled and happy.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear enough in my original posting, I am submissive to her, her word is already my law. Our relationship will be as she wants it, if she asks me to do something I do it and I do it willingly, because she wants it, but at the moment I can only show my submission in small, limited ways, as there isn't any way of showing my submission either on a bigger scale or more than she actually requires.

Right at the start once we cleared up the gender perception issue I've always tried to make it clear to her that my role in our relationship will be the submissive one, I'm open, honest, emotionally transparent, and explained that my submission will grow over time, is there to be shaped and modified by her to suit her needs and desires, and as far as possible it will be total so that it completely satiates any desire or need she has to be dominant.

I know that face to face in real time I won't have an issue with being submissive or submitting the way she wants, because that is the role we both want, it was clear from the start and it was what I agreed to right at the start of our correspondence. She is into control, I am into being controlled, but this is the first time I'm having to develop such a relationship over a long distance having only the Internet, e-mails and IMs.

Sometimes I wonder whether what I am doing is enough, or whether it is going in a direction that she wants- and these are my doubts and concerns. I wouldn't be happy for her to have to compromise what she wants just to be with me, but I do genuinely want her to be happy with me and to not only be in the dominant role but to feel that she is being herself in the dominant role and to feel that she is happy being herself in the dominant role with me.

I was just wondering if and where I could be going wrong, if anywhere.

_____________________________

I try to take one day at a time, but several days come and attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)

If you can't be a good example then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

(in reply to stella40)

Post #: 17

RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/15/2007 4:37:58 AM

stella40

Posts: 417
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: London, UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressLorelei

I would expect that anyone would want to get to know most everything about a person before submitting to them. I want someone who will want to submit to me based on my own merit, and not because I have checked the 'Dominant' box on my profile. I don't see much sincerity in someone who will submit to just anyone.

You are planning to change your life and to move to another country for someone else. I hope you will make sure who that someone else is first. I agree that taking small steps towards total submission is likely the best plan. The heart of a D/s relationship is the bond shared between two people, and that doesn't happen in an instant.

Good luck.

Thank you for your response, and for giving me reassurance. This is exactly my mindset.

My Domme and I share a bond, we exchange messages, e-mails, have daily contact on Yahoo! Messenger and phone each other every other day. This bond is so very precious, it's the central and most integral part of our relationship. Even though I have a small social circle here in London and she's thousands of miles away in the US she has an influence on me, on my life, and I have been working to open up completely to her, so she knows who I am, how I live, when I make a decision I ask her first what she thinks, and in these ways I hope I'm showing just how very important she is to me, not just as a Domme, but as a friend, as my partner.

Four things rule my day - what she wants, what she needs, how she feels and what she thinks. I'm on a gender reassignment program which I had originally intended to complete, but I recently decided to work towards being with her and then going back to my gender reassignment plans.

I am trying to find out and get to know her as much as possible, so that I understand her, so that I can eventually submit to her in the way she wants and truly be her submissive.

I did have previous offers from other Dommes on Collarme, but I held out and waited... I gave my friendship but have always waited for the One. Now she's here, I want to get to know her, to develop this bond we share, and to give her the kind of submission she's never ever experienced before but has always wanted and needed.

She is an experienced Domme, but much of her experience appears to be from casual play partners and not so much in a relationship. She's a truly wonderful person, I could not wish for a better Domme or a better friend, and I guess I'm afraid of falling short of her expectations and disappointing her.

_____________________________

I try to take one day at a time, but several days come and attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)

If you can't be a good example then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

(in reply to MistressLorelei)

Post #: 18

RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/15/2007 7:02:39 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

I'd say that your negotiations should include the details of how you and she will demonstrate your Ds. Until you have negotiated and that Ds relationship has started, why would you be submissive to her?

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to stella40)

Post #: 19

RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/15/2007 8:40:50 AM

MySweetSubmssive

Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella40

I am trying to find out and get to know her as much as possible, so that I understand her, so that I can eventually submit to her in the way she wants and truly be her submissive.

I don't think that getting to know someone thoroughly and offering submission are mutually exclusive.

The way you are expressing yourself, it sounds as if you want to really understand all of her, and then "truly be submissive." Can we really know *all* of someone? Is there ever a moment when we will understand them completely? I think it would be a little sad if that were possible. It would take the mystery out of human relations. It seems like your model of submission is one of entering a room -- there is a discrete barrier and you are either in it or outside of it. This is an imperfect way of expressing it, as I realize that you currently do feel submissive to your Domme.

For me, D/s is more of a gradient. Like starting out in the shallow end of the pool and slowly walking into the deeper parts of it. Smaller acts of submission yield to increasingly more submission. I want to feel that aspect of the other person. When I feel this, it gives me access to my desires. If someone wants to know the part of myself, they have to offer some submission. I cannot access all of that part of myself without the right conditions. If someone wanted to learn me now and submit later, that person would be missing out.

You said that you wanted to "submit to her in the way she wants." It sounds, from her comments that you shared, that she is calling for something more from you now.

MSS

< Message edited by MySweetSubmssive -- 4/15/2007 8:46:25 AM >

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to stella40)

Post #: 20

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