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Did I screw things up? - 4/16/2007 8:09:19 AM

WestWanderer

Posts: 35
Joined: 1/20/2006
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I recently found myself in a very bad situation with a Mistress I'd been seeing for a while. A weekend I was looking forward to for months with her litterally turned into a nightmare. The day had gone great for the most part, but it was at the end of our day. I began to get very ill and eventually asked her if she would take me to a hospital and the response I got shocked me. Because she had had little sleep I suppose, she began to acusing me of trying to manipulate her for attention, so I began appologizing because it was all I could think to do. I didn't want her to hate me you know? And at that time I felt like I had insulted her for asking. So I tried to go to sleep but the pain kept worsening and I kept getting more and more ill. Finally I just asked her to call an ambulance I think two hours later and she angrily drove me to the hospital.

Anyway the whole thing ended with me in the hospital for about a week and having open abdominal surgery. No fun. After I laid in the hospital bed for all that time I didn't feel as though I could trust her again and so I deicided it was time to say goodbye to her and move on. So here I am again alone.

My question is this. Is the feeling of guilt that I had for making her angry with me nomral? Should I have done somthing different?

Post #: 1

RE: Did I screw things up? - 4/16/2007 8:12:53 AM

childoftheshadow

Posts: 458
Joined: 8/2/2006
From: London UK
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you were ill, if she cared for you in the least, she would have taken you straight to the hospital! If anything, she should be feeling like the lowest life form for putting you through so much pain. Just my opinion of course, but I think you'll be far better off with out her. You deserve more than what she gave you (ie: not a whole lot)

(in reply to WestWanderer)

Post #: 2

RE: Did I screw things up? - 4/16/2007 8:13:52 AM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
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I'd say even on a first exchange that she should have cared and been more willing to believe you were sick enough to want to go to the hospital.
Hell even if she was tired at least she could have dropped you off.
Once she had valid proof you indeed were ill she should have apologized for not believing you or for being compassionate or supportive of you in your crisis.
I think passing her over was the right thing as I'd not be very willing to think she'd suddenly care about your physical well being after that episode.
I hope you're healing and you recover completely soon.
>>>>HUGS<<<<<
suzanne

< Message edited by onestandingstill -- 4/16/2007 8:14:18 AM >

(in reply to WestWanderer)

Post #: 3

RE: Did I screw things up? - 4/16/2007 8:18:32 AM

WestWanderer

Posts: 35
Joined: 1/20/2006
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Thanks childoftheshadow and onestandingstill, I guess that for the most part I know I am better off and that I shouldn't still feel guilty about it. But being alone is pretty painfull. And I had thought that there was really somthing special between us. I waited and thought it over before I told her goodbye. I thought she might appologize after knowing I'd been in surgery but she was still very short with me even after it.

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 4

RE: Did I screw things up? - 4/16/2007 8:24:54 AM

TigressFL

Posts: 239
Joined: 6/8/2006
Status: offline

To answer your question it is not abnormal for a submissive to feel quilty for soemone getting angry with them, however, you had NOTHING to feel guilty about. She is the one in the wrong here and no matter how tired she was, I could not imagine being angry at someone for asking to go to the hospital. Do NOT beat yourself up over this siutation as you did nothing wrong. Don't allow this person to make you feel less than because she has issues. Good luck to you!!!

Be Well,
Tigress~FL

edited for terrible typing

< Message edited by TigressFL -- 4/16/2007 8:26:17 AM >

(in reply to WestWanderer)

Post #: 5

RE: Did I screw things up? - 4/16/2007 8:28:43 AM

MyMasterStephen

Posts: 219
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline

This is what safewords are for.

If you had had a safeword, then using it would have signalled to the Domme that this was a genuine problem for you, and she should have responded immediately.

If you have got to the point where trust is such that a safeword has been dispensed with, then SHE should have trusted YOU not to call an emergency unless it was genuine.

No, you did not screw anything up. And her behaviour after the incident has demonstrated beyond any doubt that she is not a fit and proper Domme. You have been wronged, and you are absolutely justified in moving on. Keep strong, and try not to let this bad experience sour your attitude.

(in reply to WestWanderer)

Post #: 6

RE: Did I screw things up? - 4/16/2007 8:29:24 AM

Majik

Posts: 358
Joined: 4/24/2005
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Your better off without her. A Dom who would do something like that is not needed in your life. In a situation like yours it's NOT about her it's about YOU and your health, to me that comes first no matter what the circumstances. I'm really appalled by her attitude toward you on this.

Hope you have a speedy recovery and I will have you in my thoughts.=]

(in reply to WestWanderer)

Post #: 7

RE: Did I screw things up? - 4/16/2007 8:29:27 AM

childoftheshadow

Posts: 458
Joined: 8/2/2006
From: London UK
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I'm sorry, but I'm still just shocked that someone would treat you like that. It might just be me, but I wouldn't have felt any guilt about telling them to go . . . They badly mistreated you . . . I don't know what you health issue was as you didn't say, but I'm sure it wasn't made any better having to wait for hours to see a doctor.

((((((Huge Hugs, you deserve them))))))

Shadow

(in reply to TigressFL)

Post #: 8

RE: Did I screw things up? - 4/16/2007 8:43:38 AM

Domin8tingUrDrmz

Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
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...Fast Reply

How horrible of her! Please do NOT feel guilty. Everyone, no matter their title, deserves to be cared for properly.

It disturbs me to know there are people who call themselves dominant yet are not capable of caring for another. I'd likely be upset if the hospital visit turned out to be a case of gas, but, I'd certainly make sure the visit occurred. To find out that it required surgery, I'd likely feel guilty myself, wondering if I caused the trauma; even if I knew that I wasn't responsible, I'd still feel badly since it happened while in my care.

I hope your recovery is fast and total. Be safe, be well.

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Post #: 9

RE: Did I screw things up? - 4/16/2007 8:46:39 AM

WestWanderer

Posts: 35
Joined: 1/20/2006
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Thanks everyone for the kind words. The safeword thing, well we never set one.... and I know how stupid that is. I kept questioning it but I felt like saying somthing about it might make her upset with me. That's my own fault for not speaking up.

My health is recovering quite nicely on a better note, I had the staples taken out last week and that's healing up nicely too though it's still quite tender and I have to be carefull how I move. What happened was my gallbladder had gone ganegrene and it was actually pretty close to rupturing inside me when I got to the hospital. I was fortunate to get there when I did. The docter that opperated on me told it was probably the worst he'd ever seen.

Im happy to report though that I haven't had any of the troubles that I did before the thing was removed. :) I can eat whatever I want now without being sick for hours on end. And I don't think I'll even have too bad of a scar once it's all healed up. So that's a plus.

(in reply to childoftheshadow)

Post #: 10

RE: Did I screw things up? - 4/16/2007 8:55:00 AM

MyMasterStephen

Posts: 219
Joined: 8/16/2005
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Glad to hear the physical scars are mending nicely.

Just have to attend to me psychological ones now.

You MUST speak up for yourself, however difficult that may be for you. You have a responsibility to yourself to keep yourself safe and healthy, and hopefully this incident will inspire you for the future. Insist on safewords, and if any Dom(me) doesn't like it, walk away from them.

Keep safe, and have fun.

(in reply to WestWanderer)

Post #: 11

RE: Did I screw things up? - 4/16/2007 9:01:29 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
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Unbelievable....I do not understand why a Dominant (Or anyone) would act this way! She was wrong and believe me, if my sub said I'm sick take me to the hospital there would be no anger, just me rushing to get him into the car and to the emergency room. Be glad you are away from her.

As for your feelings she made you feel guility by responding with anger. You felt that you had failed or displeased her in someway. In actuality you did neither, it sounds like she has a screw loose to me.

I hope you feel much better!
~Lashra

_____________________________

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(in reply to WestWanderer)

Post #: 12

RE: Did I screw things up? - 4/16/2007 9:15:55 AM

DianeB269

Posts: 1596
Joined: 10/30/2006
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No, you did not screw up and you should not be feeling guilty either.
She should of taken you to the hospital the first time you asked.

Diane

(in reply to WestWanderer)

Post #: 13

RE: Did I screw things up? - 4/16/2007 9:19:16 AM

HutchGarahl

Posts: 562
Joined: 1/10/2007
Status: offline

Feeling guilty for getting your mistress angry is normal....providing there was good reason. Her getting angry for you getting sick is not a good reason. Noone can help getting sick. It's not like you asked for it.

Leaving that mistress was the right thing to do. A true mistress would care what happens to you, she should have take you to the hospital and stayed till she knew you were ok....doesn't matter how tired she claimed to be.

Glad your healing realativiely well. Hopefully soon you can find a mistress worthy of having you.

< Message edited by HutchGarahl -- 4/16/2007 9:21:27 AM >

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 14

RE: Did I screw things up? - 4/16/2007 9:20:48 AM

WestWanderer

Posts: 35
Joined: 1/20/2006
Status: offline

Thanks again everyone. I do feel a lot better now. This whole thing had been eating away at me for weeks. Im glad that we have Collarme for these kinds of discussions. I've already learned so much from the many wonderfull people here.

I think that Im going to take a break, at least long enough to get healed up and get my own life back together before I look for another Mistress. Hopefully I'll have a bit more luck this go-around and I'll be able to speak up more when somthing is bothering me. I just kind of don't want to think about it at the moment though, I thought I was lucky finding her as screwed up as I thought I was at the time.

Im just going to let the chips fall where they may.

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 15

RE: Did I screw things up? - 4/16/2007 9:21:32 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MyMasterStephen

Glad to hear the physical scars are mending nicely.

Just have to attend to me psychological ones now.

You MUST speak up for yourself, however difficult that may be for you. You have a responsibility to yourself to keep yourself safe and healthy, and hopefully this incident will inspire you for the future. Insist on safewords, and if any Dom(me) doesn't like it, walk away from them.

Keep safe, and have fun.

Good advice.

I know that it can be difficult for some submissives to think of their right to protect themselves so if that is difficult for your, tell yourself this:

You have a DUTY to your dominant to give her information. A safeword is an excellent way to give information in brief form especially when you are just beginning a relationship.

If she doesn't want you to fulfill that duty, I'd say that person isn't really much of a BDSM dominant at all.

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 4/16/2007 9:27:01 AM >

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Post #: 16

RE: Did I screw things up? - 4/16/2007 9:23:50 AM

canupleaseme

Posts: 775
Joined: 7/9/2006
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I think as everyone else has stated you really shouldnt feel bad about this. I cant believe someone could be so callous and cruel and make you feel like that !!!
I cant evre imagine a time where I would be cross or funny with my boy for feeling unwell. God in fact earlier in the year when he had bad flu I was straight on a coach to look after him even though I was ill myself. I think you really are better off without her. By the sounds of things even if you had of used a safe word she would still have been a bitch.

I hope you have a good recovery abdominal surgery is so uncomfortable to get over, when I had mine I felt like I couldnt fart sneeze or cough !! Thankgod it didnt burst while you were with her. It is disapointing when something you have been so excited about goes wrong. JUts keep in mind that this was her mistake not yours and she should be the one feeling guilt right now not you at all.

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Post #: 17

RE: Did I screw things up? - 4/16/2007 9:33:10 AM

WestWanderer

Posts: 35
Joined: 1/20/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: canupleaseme

I hope you have a good recovery abdominal surgery is so uncomfortable to get over, when I had mine I felt like I couldnt fart sneeze or cough !!

Ain't that the truth! I think what really stinks is that I had about a 3 day cold before I had the staples taken out so I had to cough alot useing a pillow against my side. Very very uncomfterble. I couldn't even laugh without it hurting. Which is hard because so many of my friends were with me showing support and making me laugh so much. :) I guess I am a very lucky guy in that I do have friends that care about me even if I no longer have a Mistress.

(in reply to canupleaseme)

Post #: 18

RE: Did I screw things up? - 4/16/2007 10:01:01 AM

MsKatHouston

Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline

My goodness. If I had anyone at my home who was in pain and asked me more than once to take them to the hospital I could not imagine getting angry and complaining about how tired I am. I don't care what the relationship is between me and whoever, that is one of the most irresponsible, uncaring, inhuman ways to act I can think of toward anyone. The fact that your pain translated into a week long stay and surgery should make HER feel like scum for discounting your complaints as a cry for attention. Even if I thought that is what it was, better to be safe than sorry.

Don't feel guilty, you did nothing wrong. She, however, was wrong to the nth degree. I am glad you are feeling better and I hope you realize you did nothing wrong and have nothing to be sorry for. She should be apologizing to you. In droves. You're much better off without someone like that. What would happen if she had you strung up and something went horribly wrong by accident? Let you bleed to death on her floor? Crikey. It absolutely embarasses me to think there are people out there like that, much less someone who calls themselves a dominant.

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to WestWanderer)

Post #: 19

RE: Did I screw things up? - 4/16/2007 10:37:12 AM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

I think even an email politely (because I think a graceful way is the best) telling her why you feel what she did was wrong and irresponsible would have been fair game. In my opinion, the guilt belongs to her and not you but she does not even realize it.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 4/16/2007 10:38:04 AM >

(in reply to MsKatHouston)

Post #: 20

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