quote:

ORIGINAL: OedipusRexIt

Wow....  I'm just going to back away cautiously and be thankful for the anonymity of the internet.


Your post begs the question :  if things are so perfect and wonderful, if your methodology was so precise, then why on earth are you "divorced but best friends"?

... never mind.  I'm sure your therapist has some amazing theories.  Please go explore them in detail.

... such attitude in the face of no reason.  Issues, my dear?  Oh yes.

I forgot to make snarky comments.

He fixes all our computers, aint that nice.

Isn't it great to have a computer expert that makes house calls?
I love the abuse from strangers, make my day.

Have a great day!

quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored

Whiplashsmile........My post missed that one........"the liar".  I could add a #11 as well for someone who lies when the truth would have been as good.  I bet that is something real high now on your internal radar after that experience.

Thank you MzMia for your wonderful insight and to EVERYONE willing to share their personal experiences and criteria.  I appreciate all the input.

My intention of this post was to draw attention to what we do proactively in our search and what questions or attitudes we use or look for when determining red flags.  I understand each relationship is unique as well as I do not have a checklist per say or want to make snap or hasty decisions. The majority of us have issues by the age of 30, or we have not been living.  I do have things I look out for and know some types of circumstances just wont work out for me.    There are some things I ask to clear up some red flags that may be issues later.  There are alot of hindsight threads here --that is why I wanted to throw a proactive one out there in the mix....I want to learn from your wisdom and what your criteria is and how you go about finding  information out (what type of questions do you specific ask when targeting an issue important to you) in a proactive stance.

Another thing that would apply to this thread is something that you've discovered in a past relationship that you are more aware to avoid or be attracted to after having a relationship experience as an added criteria (pro or con). 

Okay, back to OP
Ur2B, I like your topic 11 reasons, I might have to add a # 12

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored

I found the Passive Aggressive Dom thread to be a real eye opener for me and very informative. I did not want to hijack that thread.
I wonder how many people who suffer from this (passive aggressive disorder or any suppossive neurotic order) would be able, inclined, or mentally equipped to recognize a problem. It got me thinking to how we recognize red flags in a relationship or potential relationship.  Are we proactive or reactive?  I think we all have a tendency, at least I do, to morph off and have a moment of regret.  The patterns people display are more telling. 

In a proactive approach, what is your basic criteria when seeking a mate particularly in this lifestyle?

Here are a few of mine:
1) I like to ask about past relationships.  I am not so interested in the relationships as I am to his/her role in the relationship and how he/she treats pass partners. Simply to find out if the person is always a victim in relationships or displays any symptoms of grandiosity. If the last few relationships were really bad and entirely the other person's fault, that is a big red flag.

2) If they identify as a Sadist, I want to know exactly how they relate to that term and not just what he/she is labeled as.   I think there is a distinct difference between consensual sensual pain and a desire to inflict real pain and harm.  I dont tend to think that all people see the two distinctly.

3) Can one admit to mistakes in everyday life?  Is one constantly defending the actions in a self-righteous way? Does he/she displays any signs of responsibility and fair judgement? Questions about his/her job can be helpful in this.

4) How does he/she react to confrontation in a conversation?  I want to know if they cope by retreating or by having an honest open dialogue.  Does he/she have difficulty in OCDing and have a tendency to rehash past experiences?

It is funny, but I dont necessarily look for someone with similar "lifestyle" (sorry not enough coffee yet to think of a better word) interests.  I find that the best Dominant/sub experiences I have are with people who did not necessarily fit my sensual activities criteria (people vary).  If the chemistry is right, I am open to new things (for the most part).  5) Is having the same sensual interests part of your criterial for you search?  Needless to say exploring the same interests is fine......it is more of a question to how highly you might rate it on your criteria for finding a mate.

6) When seeking a Dominant, I want to know if they want things his/her way or if he/she has any concern for submissive's welfare.  I am not seeking a tyrant.

7) I try to access if I truly admire a person and seek out a person with character.  It is very important in my criteria to find someone I truly adore as opposed to me "roleplaying" a submissive. I like to learn about a person's childhood and their struggles.

8)I also tend to be suspicious of someone who is too caught up in labels.  Just because someone slaps on labels or hasnt slap on labels for that matter has no bearing on me.  I want to make/form my own opinion on whether someone has qualities.....not have someone list them in a font as "proof".  (I am a hypocrite see #2)

9)Does relationships to family members play a role in your criteria?

I know that balance is key to all things.  I know that people want things like humor, empathy, and intelligence...but I am asking about criteria and questions you base/access judgements or red flags on a potential mate.    This may be common sense to some, but I am genuinely curious to what other's criteria might be as an added insight in a future search. 

10)Do you based your criteria (red flags) as you go along or before you initiate the relationship? 

Thanks for any insight on this--I enjoy the different perspectives from this board.

Wonderful post, I get to know a person WELL before I meet them real-time.
I want to know all the 10 points you have listed and  more , if you are seeking more
than a good time and a play partner  it is hard  to KNOW too much about a person.
**Great thing I always thought I would love to be a detective**
Well I play my own detective when it comes down to me and my life.
Funny I have never heard anyone complain they knew too much about someone they met or
wanted to get involved with.
 It takes time to get to know someone, find out how they really are and live and to get details,
I don't know of any shortcuts.
Of course I don't expect to everything prior to meeting, but I want to know a certain amount to even
bother or feel comfortable enough to meet them.
I feel as you do on this, I take people seriously who I want to bring into my space, my world, or my life.
  Yet so many are eager to jump into meeting and relationships, amazing and amusing, great post.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kitte9

Wow, a lot of eye-opening thoughts here. Funny how many things we look for in another person when we think about it, but oftentimes never take our own advice when the moment arrives.

quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored

[I agree Kitte9--thanks for your input:
It is much easier to be Monday night  quarterback on the boards when discerning someone else's problems. 
I dont  know if this will make much sense to anyone, but emotions provide very little to logical to my thoughtsthoughts.  In short, intense emotions can blind us when we need to see clearly

quote:

ORIGINAL: OedipusRexIt

There isn't much that is meaningful and tangible, though, without the opportunity to gaze across the table and into a pair of live, expressive eyes.

Who hasn't fell for words on a page, or all the right answers?

quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored

quote:

ORIGINAL: OedipusRexIt

There isn't much that is meaningful and tangible, though, without the opportunity to gaze across the table and into a pair of live, expressive eyes.

Who hasn't fell for words on a page, or all the right answers?

Smile.  Who has not fell for a pair of bedroom eyes from across the table?

But yes, I do agree there is nothing like looking into someone's eyes.

quote:

An effective piece of the puzzle on being proactive when seeking a mate is of course communication.

quote:

ORIGINAL: OedipusRexIt

Online, one can imagine one sees all sorts of things.