RE: an ideal victim? (Full Version)

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LadyEllen -> RE: an ideal victim? (4/17/2007 2:48:27 PM)

I have tried everything short of involving the police, people. Though this is the first time this particular thing has happened, I've known him for a while, and he goes through spells of being a total pain in the neck, alternating with being perfectly normal.

Above all, I have to live with this. If I involved the police, my life would not be improved any in relation to him I can tell you. They'd give him a stern talking to (maybe), and then I'd get it in the neck over calling them in - from him, his girlfriend, his mother, his stepfather. This is not a good area - and one word to the locals about my background and I'm dead, its that simple.

The only thing I can do is move, but who would want to live here!?

But, what I am getting from all this is more or less what I wanted - to clarify what it all means, so thanks.

E




seeksfemslave -> RE: an ideal victim? (4/17/2007 2:49:46 PM)

LadyE you surprise me, I think Lucky Albatross has put her finger on something here. Your behaviour just doesn't add up.

Meatcleaver I couldnt possibly accept the argument that all men are potential rapists. A bit PC that ?



LadySeraphina -> RE: an ideal victim? (4/17/2007 2:58:32 PM)

I understand this can be more complicated for you, Lady Ellen, but if, as I believe, you truly DO NOT want to be assaulted again, you have to take steps. It can be more complicated when you have connection to the people involved, but you really must protect yourself. Just because you were not born as you wished, doesn't make you any less a human being with the right not to be violated.

Sure, it's a hard thing, much like marital rape or date rape - you let him in, you visited with him often, you didn't want to hurt him. But did you say, in any way, shape, or form, "I like this, I'm enjoying it, and I'd like him to put myself and my UMs at risk again"? I don't think so.

Also, just because your UMs weren't home, doesn't mean they might not be next time, or that he couldn't end up giving you something you will unwittingly pass on.

Just my two cents. If it turns out you fall on the other side, as LA thinks you might, then disregard my input.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: an ideal victim? (4/17/2007 3:02:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadySeraphina
Also, just because your UMs weren't home, doesn't mean they might not be next time, or that he couldn't end up giving you something you will unwittingly pass on.

Just my two cents. If it turns out you fall on the other side, as LA thinks you might, then disregard my input.

Hmm you're right, I hadn't thought about the UMs.  One hopes they never have to be kept up with banging at night or have to hear and feel such a thing happening in their house.  One's kinks don't come before one's needs and responsibilities to their dependents.



meatcleaver -> RE: an ideal victim? (4/17/2007 3:06:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: seeksfemslave

Meatcleaver I couldnt possibly accept the argument that all men are potential rapists. A bit PC that ?


I don't particularly buy it myself but I guess we are in the sense we are all potential murderers too. Actually wasn't it Catherine McKinnon that said all sex is rape? Which I guess if you have a penis you are a rapist. All I know is that a couple of women I know are thankful there are rapists.

The only woman I've been angered by to the point of flipping, I know I wouldn't have raped her, I wouldn't touch her with a barge pole but I'd love to publicly humiliate her. Not in a sexual way but socially because she was such and evil two faced bitch and she liked to consider herself socially perfect and wanted the world to believe in that image of her.



LadyEllen -> RE: an ideal victim? (4/17/2007 3:24:59 PM)

LA - this is nothing whatever to do with my erotic interests, if that isnt clear? When I say I seem to be informal lifestyle counsellor, I dont mean this lifestyle, but life in general. Sorry if that wasnt clear from the start. My goodness, if the reverse were the case then I'd never be alone with anyone who comes to see me! I'm seen as a safe pair of ears to hear people's troubles, and thats the deal and nothing more.

E




ownedgirlie -> RE: an ideal victim? (4/17/2007 4:28:47 PM)

I'm really surprised one would allow such behavior to continue, especially when there are UMs living in the residence.  So all these neighbors whose doors he bangs on are ok with this behavior too?   Cripes I had someone tugging on my doorknob one night and I called the police with my pistol aimed at the door.

Also, do you not have a peep hole?  And if not, a simple, "Who's there?" would not work?   If you do not wish to protect yourself, that is your choice of course, but you have others who are relying on you at home that you are responsible for.  Do you want him to attack you when they're home?  Or for them to come home to find you attacked?

As long as you're answering the phone and the door and talking to him, he's seeing that whatever he is doing is working.  It's not going to stop until you stop it.



Vendaval -> RE: an ideal victim? (4/17/2007 4:34:28 PM)

Lady Ellen,
 
This is a very serious situation.  I am of the opinion that his behavior
will continue to escalate until you are wounded or dead.  Cut off
any and all contact with him.  You can give the reason that he showed
up under the influence of drugs and that you do not want him coming back. 
Can you set up an alarm system in your home?  How about
calling the cops if he is making noise in your neighborhood just
as a noise complaint?  You mention not being able to move, do you
own or rent?  Is there someplace you and your unmentionables can
stay for a while?
 
You are in my thoughts and prayers,
 
Vendaval



Sinergy -> RE: an ideal victim? (4/17/2007 4:48:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I would make a police report, at least get some order of protection, restraining order, or the like. If he thinks he can attack you whenever he feels like it, it may not be the last time. He sounds like a real sicko and I would not associate with him or anyone close to him


Gavin DeBecker, in his book The Gift Of Fear, says that a better approach is to file a "Do Not Trespass" order against the person.

If you file a restraining order, you have to face the person in court and explain why you need one.

With a Do Not Trespass order in place, the person comes on your property and the DA files it for you.

On a related note:

The vast majority of sexual assaults are people one knows.

The vast majority of sexual assaults are not reported.

The vast majority of sexual predators know what is needed to get the woman to freeze under adrenalin.

The only ones which make the news are the weird ones.

I am sorry you had to deal with that, LadyEllen, but in my line of work I have had the misfortune of hearing hundreds of stories like it.

I would suggest you do what you need to do to heal.

Be well,

Sinergy

p.s. On a positive note, doing anything (yelling, saying no, putting up a fight) will almost always make the assailant flee.  A sexual predator is looking for a victim, not a fight, and if this person is more trouble than they are worth, the sexual predator will go find somebody that is less trouble for them.



farglebargle -> RE: an ideal victim? (4/17/2007 5:16:37 PM)

But a REALLY CRAZY person cannot be counted on to act in any predictable way.

Consider this hypothetical exercise:

IF you were to be attacked RIGHT NOW, how would you remove the threat?

Because with a really, really crazy one, you never know when RIGHT NOW is going to be...




Sinergy -> RE: an ideal victim? (4/17/2007 5:58:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: farglebargle

But a REALLY CRAZY person cannot be counted on to act in any predictable way.

Consider this hypothetical exercise:

IF you were to be attacked RIGHT NOW, how would you remove the threat?

Because with a really, really crazy one, you never know when RIGHT NOW is going to be...




Actually, farglebargle, really crazy people are profoundly predictable.  What happens is people tend to see them and refuse to accept the fact that they are a banana shy of a bowl of fruit loops.

As far as fighting is concerned, there are all sorts of nonverbal cues which always happen prior to a fight starting.

To answer your question specifically, the first thought would be "WHO LET THIS CRAZY PERSON INTO MY PLACE?"  Since I have not let anybody into my apartment, my first action would be to drop the person like second period Spanish and then try to determine why they were in my apartment.

Assuming they were not in my apartment, I generally dont answer the door for people I dont know.  Somebody wants to come over, they can call and ask first.  If they break the door down and come in to my apartment, see previous paragraph.

Sinergy



petdave -> RE: an ideal victim? (4/17/2007 6:30:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyEllen
This guy has some major issues with his relationship with women – that I know from previous sessions. He is a mixed up ball of awe, love, lust, fear, anger and hatred when it comes to women. He has also made clear in the past that he has done similar things to other women that he did to me last Friday, so its hardly an aberration.
 


i am assuming this is the habitual drunk with the heroin-addict girlfriend that you've posted about in the past?

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyEllen
Should I take it as a compliment?
 
E


Sigh.i can only hope this is that dry British humor i hear so much about?

Lady Ellen... if i were close enough to make a difference, i would give you my own cell number for the next time this happens, but i do loathe air travel.

IMHO, you've gotten yourself entangled with a very dangerous individual, and from what you've posted here it sounds very much as though you've resigned yourself to taking whatever he decides to "give" you.

So, yes, you sound like the ideal victim.



Lashra -> RE: an ideal victim? (4/17/2007 7:09:25 PM)

Rape is never a compliment LadyEllen and this man needs psychological help NOW. You may not be the first woman he has attacked and probably will not be the last. He counted on you not to say anything because he knows of your background and how possibly embarrassing it could be for you. That knowledge empowered him and he took advantage of it.

If I were you yes I would report it, though as you said it will be your word against his. If you have bruises and the like, that will backup your story. But don't let him walk, at the very least have nothing to do with this animal and that is what he is an animal. Real men do not attack women and rape them, only sniveling gutless cowards do.

~Lashra



SusanofO -> RE: an ideal victim? (4/17/2007 7:31:50 PM)

Lady Ellen: It was really, really difficult for me to take my ex-Dominant to court, late last Fall for physically assaulting me.

He didn't rape me, but he tried to throw me backwards down a flight of stairs, and he also kicked me in the ribs (almost breaking two of them) when I was laying on the floor.

I immediately ended our 1-1/2 year relationship because of this, and it was really completely unexpected. He had no history at all of abusing women (or anyone) but he did have a hot temper, at times.

But I just wanted, really to forget the whole thing, because I was just completely thrown for a loop by it all, and until then (honestly) things had been much better than not. We'd had some really good times, and it wasn't as if I'd never cared deeply about him. That made the situation extra difficult for me, even if we'd broken up with eachother, at that point.

But I made the mistake of telling my sister, who is a family law attorney, when we were out to lunch one day (it just kind of slipped out, in reference to something else I'd said) and she was totally aghast, and she insisted that if I didn't prosecute him, she was going to tell my father of my involvement in kink and D/s. She said it because she knew it would make me change my mind. And it did.

My dad would never understand why I think I need kink or D/s relationships at all, and would also think he somehow raised me "wrong" and feel guilty about it, and - he'd probably go after this guy with a shot gun, too. So, after a few nights of true angst deciding, I agreed to prosecute.

Since it was his first offense, he got 1 year's probabtion, a $500 fine, and I have a restraining order.

The weird part is, this man is in a social group I belong to (not bdsm related, it's where we originally met eachother) and I periodically run into him, at events for this group. Last time this happened,(which was after I'd prosecuted him), he spent the evening just staring at me from across the room. He even had  the nerve to suggest he drive me home, and suggested I come over to his place for some "fun". I declined, and he muttered something about just trying to be polite, and I drove home alone.

He knows he isn't supposed to talk to me though, and for the most part, he really has just left me alone and hasn't harassed me, or anything. Nor has he let anyone else in our mutual social group know about what transpired between us. He has just as much to lose, if he did that (if not more) as I do.

So - was it worth it, for me to take him to court?

I never would have thought so, after he intitially assualted me, but now, looking back on everything, I have to say yes, it was. I am very grateful my sister forced me to do it, all things considered. Thinking about how coldly he actually behaved, I have no regrets, really. After he'd assualted me, he non-chalantly walked upstairs, never inquiring if I was okay, leaving me to lay on the floor, writhing in pain. In fact, he just went to sleep!

I called a friend to pick me up (and I was lucky she was home at the time, too). I spent about 4 hours in the ER, and I did have medical bills due to this. I also had nightmares about it, plus, it freaked me out because I do live alone, and I didn't know if he was going to try to "come and get me", or something like that.

I am not trying to tell you what to do, but I can say that it can get easier, once you've truly decided to take action. At least that was my experience.

Good luck, Lady Ellen. It goes without saying, that you do not deserve to be treated like this man treated you.

Sincerely,

- Susan     



Rule -> RE: an ideal victim? (4/17/2007 7:38:38 PM)

This is a very serious situation in my eyes, LE. The first question is, of course, whether your story is true. I know you and I believe you.
 
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyEllen
I could put the chain on, but he'd rip that off, no doubt.
An excellent excuse to shoot a dozen rounds into his belly, chest and head. Especially if you called an alarm number just before that and had them listening in. However, I guess that you are not permitted to own a weapon and in any case cannot afford to use one on him.
 
My advice: move immediately. You are in imminent danger. Cut your losses. Move!
 
It is also permitted in my eyes to revenge yourself. If you cannot do it yourself, then arrange for somebody to have him killed. I dare say that you know some honorable men - or even a woman - that will do so if you ask one of them nicely.



MissDiscipline -> RE: an ideal victim? (4/17/2007 7:38:57 PM)

Can you say restraining order- Move on - change the locks- take the key back-Buy a pitbull- Forget the dumbshit- Remember - your dom/mes first reponsibility is your safety- If he can't hold up that  side- contract is void- Unless of course you included nonconsensual physical assault to your contract.



minnetar -> RE: an ideal victim? (4/17/2007 7:49:02 PM)

Susan i find your acts very courageous and i am so glad the legal system was able to help you in your situation.

minnetar



SusanofO -> RE: an ideal victim? (4/17/2007 7:54:32 PM)

minnetar: Thanks, me too. I appreciate that -but my sister really did push me into prosecuting. I might add that my friend insisted on taking pics of my bruised ribs and arms (it helped to have them in court, *as does any evidence of what happened, like a sympathetic neighbor hearing screaming, torn clothing that can be analyzed for spots of his DNA, etc.).

My point in relating this saga of mine to Lady Ellen is that, IMO, you don't necessarily initially have to be totally "into" the idea of prosecuting this guy, to have it later be something you're very glad you did.

It might feel awkward at the beginning, but then again, my bet is that this guy is counting on that to stop her. I say call his bluff, the manipulative little bastard.

- Susan



Real0ne -> RE: an ideal victim? (4/17/2007 7:59:49 PM)

Le,

you only need to ask yourself one question.   Did you or did you not ask the man to stop.  If you asked him to stop all else is irrelevant.  Even if it were only a whisper all else is irrelevant.

i agree with julia where i woudl have whatever means you have there to put out a restraining order on the guy so he knows if he does it again he ass is in deep shit.;   Its called a paper trail.   We can psycho analyse this to death and even if you secretly wanted it, it simply does not matter.  Not once you ask the man to stop.  i mean i dont care if his dick is in an inch, it means stop. period.



Owned1 -> RE: an ideal victim? (4/17/2007 9:14:23 PM)

LadyEllen,  the bottom line here is only you know what you can or cannot do with what has happened to you.  However you asked if he we a potential rapist that you should report yet you also say you know from discussions with him he has done this to other women. 

Your first question is answered,  however he is not a Potential rapist he IS a rapist.  No means No simple as that.  Never mind the fact you also know he is a drug user using dirty needles!

My suggestion is first off you need to get tested for all communicable diseases out there. 

The next step should be to get counselling for the rape you have experienced and how to prevent any further assults.

However to what you can or will do with the situation personally is your choice.  I can only speak for myself.  I would have immediatly called the Police once he had left.  However I would also not have let him in my house after seeing the behaviour you stated he has exhibited in the past.  I would have called the Police when he was banging on my and other doors.  It does not matter he has a nice mother grandmother or anything else - he is not well needs help or needs to be locked up so other women are safe.

I wish you the best and only hope you take care of yourself.

Owned



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