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RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 7:11:17 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		Sorry Damia...I too see the me..me..me.."you" feel the guilt.."you feel the need for the punishment, now" ad infinitum..I am wondering if deep down you did not wrack up these "mistakes" to incur the punishment, hence to maybe reap the attention you want and need, or maybe sabotaging any chance of taking a backseat to his job,, you worry his focus will not be upon you...as many have said..take this time to make his life easier,learn from your own mistake, shoot! punish yourself if you feel so guilty!..and do not become the "issue" he needs to deal with on top of those horrific hours he has to work.Since this seems to be only a temporary thing.have the patience to take the back seat of his attentions.Things I am sure will settle back to normal soon thereafter..Tempting

(in reply to damia)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 7:14:24 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		Ok..sorry Damia ..you posted a wee bit before me...so hence..I am glad to see that you will do the strong thing and be there for him...be well and take care..Tempting

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 7:24:11 PM   
blushingflower


Posts: 144
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline 		It hurts when you feel neglected like that, yes.  And it also is frustrating, because if he doesn't follow through on punishments, will he also stop following through on other promises?  Also, I get that you want to be punished because once you're punished you can be forgiven and move on.
As others have said- it seems like this is a temporary phase, based on his work.  If, after this crazy time is over, he continues to announce punishments which he then never delivers, bring it up.  Tell him that you know he works hard, but that if you've done something to merit punishment (and truly deserving punishment, not using "punishment" as an excuse for play), you feel guilty until you know you've been forgiven, and punishment helps you do that.  Make sure he understands what it is that punishment does for you emotionally/mentally.  In the meantime, focus on pleasing him.  You said you get off at 4 and he goes to work at 7.  Is there an overlap there where you could make him breakfast?  Can you shower together (and, depending on your relationship, can you bathe him?)?  If he gets home before you leave for work, is there time for you to do something for him (a nice blowjob, maybe?)  If you have to leave before he gets home, is there something you could have waiting for him (I'd suggest an after-work cocktail, but 8 AM seems early for that)?  Fresh pajamas, a cup of tea, a hot bath, food that just needs to be reheated, something to say "I still want to serve you even though I can't be here to do it."  If you focus on how you can please him, then it will help distract you from your guilt. 
And, again, give it some time.  It is a possibility that threats become empty, but these circumstances sound like they're atypical, so I'd wait until things normalize before panicking.

(in reply to CuriousLord)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 7:29:59 PM   
MissDiscipline


Posts: 117
Joined: 10/1/2006
From: Domme Beach Calif
Status: offline 		well damia- if you havent received enough punishment from these post you are a masochist-

(in reply to damia)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 7:31:37 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		It is sometimes tricky as a dominant to deal with someone acting out in order to get attention.  Do you let them get away with things?  Dealing with them takes time.  Giving them time encourages them to misbehave.

The guy could be using the time excuse to cover other issues or it is real.  Clearly she is sabotaging herself and the relationship.

I would set her to tasks, something that eased my life or provided some pleasure.  I wouldn't focus them on her betterment because it is an "I need master" sort of problem that is short term.  ONLY when she is a good girl does she get attention and don't punish the acting out, just say you are disapointed and or ask them why they think they are doing the undesired behavior.

As LA says, consistence and ensuring one's deeds match one's words are the cornerstone of building trust.

(in reply to blushingflower)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 7:31:38 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

You might be right, LA, but after having trained him long distance, the timing of his punishments is osmehtin ghe and I have worked out to a T.   I am not saying it is necessarily the way to go about doing things for everyone, but I am saying it is a possibility.
What works for Angel and I doesnt necessarily work for anyone else. 

DV

Your relationship has worked out stable enough so far so you can't really be faulted- the fact that you DO make it work in less than ideal conditions shows that you're probably doing the right things and working a bit harder at it to overcome the obstacles.

I just don't get so many relationships which CREATE more tension and problems that don't need to be there.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 9:39:59 PM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline 		i may be stepping way over my bounds here, but here goes anyway.

From what you describe here, i honestly saw my um.  He has ADHD... it is very, very difficult for him to follow many orders, i.e.  clean your room, take out the trash and run the dishwasher.  If i did that not one single thing would get done.  i literally have to have him look me in the eyes and i tell him one thing that needs done, when it is complete, i give him the next task, etc.  i am certainly no physician, but possibly it is not entirely under your control?

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci


(in reply to damia)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 10:00:03 PM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		i'm prolly out of line here.......... but

if the OP was looking for negative attention, imo - her acting out would of been alot worse?  Locking car doors, dropping directions, forgeting directions.... eck!  God love ya, if i was punished for things of that sort i'd be in trouble 24/7.  Bad memory and a klutz at times.  IMO these things sound like accidents... not deliberate mischief.  Accidents, uh oh's, dont cry over spilt milk - type things. 

We all have accidents, yes?  i once put Master's paycheck through the laundry machine and then the dryer.  All those little bits of paper..........  yet at the same time......... a bad bad accident.

IMO OP - count yourself lucky for not getting punished, get over the guilt.. its over and done with.. and strive to do better.  Sall you can do really, eh?


_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 10:26:40 PM   
MasterNdorei


Posts: 658
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		i think the bottom line is that the Dominant gave His word about something and failed to follow through. The One who owns me is often too busy to deal with me at the moment He might prefer, but as others have also suggested, there are other punishments He uses. If the Dominant is going to change His mind, it would be better to change it to another punishment than to over look the events entirely.

It sounds to me like the stress about limlited time in the long run (His deployment), and the short run (His other current priorities) plays on His subbie's mind (How could it not?) but it is still the issue of Him not following through that is her dilema.

The next time the opportunity arises, perhaps the OP can aproch Him with His belt in her hand, humbly asking to be whipped very hard for her errors. If He refuses, perhaps she can beg for another form of punishment from Him at that time.

In my mind, punishment must come from the One i serve. Otherwise i am dominating myself. i know there are some who would disagree and say they prefer to make their subs/slaves design their own demise, i am only sharing what i believe might work for me.

Master's dorei


(in reply to Devilslilsister)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/18/2007 3:57:38 AM   
Sinimint


Posts: 131
Joined: 1/25/2007
Status: offline 		I have to agree here with "Squeekers" post.   Sounds like not so much a punishment as a reward to me that she is after, no offence intended.  I wish my punishments were lashes or floggings or canings LOL, I'd be naughty all the time.


(in reply to MasterNdorei)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/18/2007 5:36:53 AM   
spankmepink11


Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline 		I can't really relate to the OP's  dilemma, and honestly when i read something like this , it makes me wonder if i have a place in this lifestyle. 
I think the OP's idea of making this stressful period easier on her master is a good one, although i might add, that she could make a concentrated effort  to improve her organizational skills, memory, etc....    Personally, i think that would give more evidence of  a lesson learned, then begging for "punishment". (it also may help alleviate feelings of guilt by visibly striving for improvement)  I agree that "follow through" is very important, but, "life" has a way of interfering at times
I would have to wonder how you plan on handling his deployment, if lack of attention/punishment affects you so much?

(in reply to Sinimint)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/18/2007 7:04:35 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		clumsiness and forgetfulness are behaviors that are not serving you in your life.

i am going to guess that things like forgetting directions has a pattern in your life of really mucking up your life am i right?

i bet the list of "fuck ups" is  a mile long

mine looks a little like this:

throwing out the rent an hour before going on a huge vacation that now was sabotaged

getting lost on the way to a dream job interview

lost keys to my chain link collar and had to wear it to my high end jewelry show where i was showing my delicate necklaces.

loosing an investment opportunity because of carelessness....

ok you get the idea....thing is, i did not choose to medicate (which is speed btw) i began to practice the way of the samurai, not just focusing the mind but also taking inventory of all the ways that this voluntary behavior messed me up in going for my goals.

a more effective punishment, (ie; tool for behavior modification) and one that would take little effort on his part would be for you to make a list starting in toddler hood of all the clumsy, inconsiderate, careless things you have done....you may see a pattern....and then be brutally honest with your self and see how doing those thing did actually serve you.

for example throwing out the rent, and ruining my vacation meant that i would not have to have intimacy with my partner....

it was pretty eye opening....but like Dr. Phil says you can not change what you will not see.

but the truth is most of us clumsy folks use it as a tool to avoid intimacy or responsibility (ie: growing up) or both.

i really hope you get beaten severely ..if that works for you, thing is that as so much time has passed, and the fact that studies show it is not very effective, and lastly it is really giving the responsibility for your behavior on his shoulders, i dont think it will have the desired effect your both are looking for.

my solution is a lot harder...and not nearly as sexy...but if you really want to change this about yourself ...and not just use it a way to get attention...change starts with you.

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to spankmepink11)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/18/2007 11:37:55 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Once he is deployed then what?  How long before your in a relationship with someone else. Ok so this is negative but the writing is on the wall. It is going to happen.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/18/2007 12:23:24 PM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		If a sub that is normally attentive to her dominant, suddenly starts to look for punishment, its for one simple reason, she’s bored!
In this particular case I don’t believe that the sub was looking for punishment but she agrees that she deserved what she was about to receive. For her Lord to then not give her that punishment is paving a way to feelings of rejection. The op needed the punishment as confirmation that her Lord is in charge and in turn that she is safe but by her Lord not giving the punishment he  was showing lack of control.
If a sub works hard to please her partner then in turn her partner must work equally hard to show he is in charge. Failure to do this makes things one sided and almost makes a mockery of submission

< Message edited by MariaB -- 4/18/2007 12:24:21 PM >

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/18/2007 3:03:34 PM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		You want him to beat you and he isn't beating you. He doesn't have time, he says. Let's think of it very basically. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but only to view things realistically.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to MariaB)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/18/2007 3:10:37 PM   
marylynn


Posts: 84
Joined: 4/17/2007
Status: offline 		I'm going to add my 2 cents because.. well, you posted in a public forum.

Is it not the "Master's" job .. to do the following?
you "please Master"
him "No"
you "please Master"
him "No"
you "please Master"
him "No"
you "please Master"
him - placing ball gag in your mouth to shut up

--------

it's his job to ignore you when you're bad. If you're begging for something that isn't getting a punishment.. or, in your case, "attention".. he ignores you.

He doesn't have the time to deal with petty things, he's working 12 hour shifts.
it's YOUR job to be accomodating and quit whining like a kid when something doesn't go your way.

He'll get time when he gets the time, and you have to deal with it.
If you're that unhappy, leave.
If you're happy, stay and deal with it.

imho

(in reply to damia)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/18/2007 3:47:56 PM   
damia


Posts: 190
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline 		Okay, just another note because people don't understand something, and i don't like these assumptions.

It's not that i -want- the punishment. If He'd not specifically said He'd punish me in this way, then i'd drop it. But it is the fact that He specifically said He would punish me for these things on Sunday (which, by the way, was a day when He -did- have the time, but spent it on video games and hanging out with my pet instead, which is why i reminded Him on Sunday, but He said He was too tired and would deal with it later...dealing with it later has turned now into never. i have even suggested an alternative punishment, and He has said no, that was the punishment and that i shouldn't even -think- of asking for another punishment, because He 'thinks [i'm] just trying to get out of it'. i know He's stressed from work now, but it's just frustrating that He keeps pushing me away and refusing to even listen to my reasoning.

And as a side note, He's not the only one working long hours. i just started a job yesterday working at a childcare center, so i'm really stressed from -that-, and dealing with kittens that were just born and the fact that my pet seems to have gone missing (sent the police where he lives on a welfare check tonight...waiting for them to call me back after the check).

i do NOT want Him to beat me....well, i would like it if He did, but not in punishment....His punishments are not fun; way too hard for me to enjoy, and with the belt, which is never used in play and was a disciplinary tool my father used on me and my siblings as a kid, so i do not link it to 'play' at all, can't. i don't want to be beat with His belt, but i feel guilty for my mistakes, for not holding up my side of the deal, and not receiving punishment for it...well, it kinda feels like He didn't hold up His side of the deal. i think it'd be the same way if i had behaved perfectly and earned the reward He set (the shopping trip), and then the shopping trip never happened...

i guess it's just that i felt (and still feel) kinda like i'm worth less time than his video games, computer time, and masturbating. Like today, i rushed home after work so we could spend some time together. He spent the first half of the time we were together before He left for work looking at stuff on the computer, and spent the last half jerking off in the bedroom (and yes, i've asked if i can be with Him when He jerks off, because i enjoy watching, but He said, no, not allowed because i'd distract Him).

Maybe i am whining like a little kid, but i think i have good reason to be upset. It's not a cry for attention, it's a need to be -needed-. i don't beg, i don't cry...i reminded Him of it -once-, and suggested an alternative punishment (writing sentences, writing essays, doing extra chores, and a few other suggestions i don't recall) -once-. Yes, He is ignoring me.

i don't see this as a petty thing, marylynn, and i find it a bit insulting that you assume it as such.

Please accept my apologies if i offend. i'm a bit on edge worried to death about my pet, and tired from a long day at work.

~jewel

(in reply to marylynn)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/18/2007 3:51:28 PM   
damia


Posts: 190
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline 		Actually, i'm poly, and already in a relationship with someone else, Dnomyar, but that relationship does not affect my Lord and my relationship, or rather it doesn't effect it -negatively-. When He's deployed, i will hold down the fort, send Him care packages and letters and e-mails, and do my best to do everything He would to keep things going around here. Deployment is deployment; i'm a Navy brat, so i know what it's like (though it's obviously going to be different with my husband/Master), and it's just a fact of life for me.

< Message edited by damia -- 4/18/2007 3:52:22 PM >

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/18/2007 4:01:20 PM   
incognitobynight


Posts: 61
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline 		I think there is a possibility that you do enjoy the pain and drama of the physical act you call "punishment".  I think there are some submissives/masochists that feel they must clothe this desire for pain in an "earned punishment".  I can remember long before I knew anything about D/s, trying to play that game with vanilla boyfriends.  The infractions were usually minor, but because my "forgetfulness" or "clumsiness" was somehow "accidental" or "a bad habit that needed to be broken"....the physical "punishment' was justified (all in good fun, of course).  Your Master did promise you and you counted up the lashes that you were to receive and tucked them away in your imagination and they tided you over until the day you understood they were to be administered.  Yes, you weren't going to like it....you have made that quite clear.....and yet you WANTED it....you have also made that quite clear.  That, my dear, is the devine paradox.   Nothing to be ashamed of.   

(in reply to damia)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/18/2007 4:57:05 PM   
jewel9714


Posts: 2
Joined: 4/2/2007
Status: offline 		[nevermind. that came off as rude.]

< Message edited by jewel9714 -- 4/18/2007 5:01:17 PM >

(in reply to incognitobynight)
Profile   Post #: 40
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