undergroundsea
Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: selfbnd411
I don't think this is a sub-Domme issue. This is just a normal relationship issue that results from people being afraid of the potential confrontation of deciding that someone isn't the partner they're looking for. I'm not saying it's right, but it happens.
I agree. Here is a paste from a prior relevant discussion which described this occurrence as poofing.
I think poofing is a human phenomenon versus one associated with any gender or role. I have been reflecting on why it occurs and here are some ideas that come to mind.
I think how a relationship--in whichever stage--fares depends on satisfaction one derives from the relationship weighed against the energy required by the relationship. I think this balance can be dynamic and sometimes poofing occurs when this balance goes south.
I have never stood someone up for a meeting and then disappeared. However, I have been part of a dialogue that subsided where I stopped writing. I don't remember ever completely ignoring emails in a running dialogue. However, the time to respond sometimes goes up, or the response reduces to small talk or formality versus an engaging conversation. This sometimes occurs when the interpersonal compatibility, BDSM compatibility, or the situational compatibility (the other person is attached, not local, seeking different things, etc) appears weak and not headed in any direction. That is, the balance between the reward felt and the energy needed leans towards poofing or, at least, stepping back a bit. I have been at each end of this situation.
I think sometimes poofing occurs when the level of interest appears to have become assymetrical between two people. I have backed away when someone's interest in me seemed to greatly exceed my interest.
Sometimes poofing occurs because of change in circumstances; someone curious about BDSM needs to figure out what their deal is; or perhaps someone more compatible comes into the picture.
I think sometimes poofing occurs because one is trying to force a relationship for the sake of a relationship wanted at the expense of suppressing a feeling that the compatibility is moderate or low. Eventually, the lack of compatibility overwhelms the want to force a relationship.
In any case, I think poofing is usually an action that delivers a message consciously or subconsciously; it is saying that the interest level and circumstances do not create a want for continued or, at least, frequent dialogue at that time. While compassionate, direct communication may be a better approach, I think poofing is the easier route out and is what occurs more frequently across people.
I can remember two instances of a young dialogue where I stopped writing just because I had not written for a while, and I felt that I was expected to write regularly. The perception about this expectation on behalf of the other may have indeed been a misperception. And in each case, general state of being busy (a trip and catching up with things for being away, holidays) is what first caused the gap in communication. Then time just passed. Not having written in a while made the step to write after a long gap seem a bit awkward.....
Umm. Hi! I know I haven't written in a couple of months after short period of a few, frequent exchanges...but umm....how's it going?
;-)
The reason to not have written regularly was not because of complete lack of interest, but that the interest level and overall compatibility did not suggest or motivate a regular, frequent conversation.
On a related note about frequency of conversation, I think sometimes it can be healthy in the early stages of a courtship for each person to not immediately respond upon reading an email (it can easily become multiple messages a day!). Frequent messages back and forth may become odd if everything else needed for that frequency of communication is not yet there. Also, when two people have been responding immediately on an on-going basis and eventually demands on time begin to catch up, the sudden departure from that routine without discussion would feel odd. Some things taste better when cooked slowly, some have the right ingredients to use high heat.
So that's my take. I would love to hear from someone who has a different take for the sake of hearing different perspectives.
Cheers,
Sea
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RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? - 
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