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RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? - 4/26/2007 9:45:53 AM

addicted2it

Posts: 322
Joined: 5/31/2004
From: California
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quote:

As a female domme I get tons of requests. I think I weed them out then agree to meet with a sub - at a normal dinner "date". They typically then express their surprise at me (ok so I'll say it - I'm quite attractive and "normal") and beg for the chance to submit. I tell them upfront how demanding I am since I am looking for long term, not just a play partner as those are a dime a dozen. After the first play time they reflect how amazing it was,etc, etc. Maybe meet up a few more times. They are expected to keep communication open - I am very sensitive to a subs needs and try to guide them through their emotions. I let them know that as long as they tell me what's going on it's not a big deal. They are compliant and again express how they are so surprised "someone like me" is out there. We make plans...

Then, it's happened more than a few times that they literally drop off. Don't respond to emails and don't give a reason. A few later on come back and say - oh it was more than I thought it would be or I was afraid I couldn't live up to you. Another interesting comment is I made it real. As in, everyone complains that there are fakes and then here they are talking the talk but then not walking the walk. I do feel like I try to reassure them but walk the line of I'm the dominant one don't put up with a lot of drama - they wouldn't see me as the dominant one if I let them get away with bs excuses (I had to go help a friend who's car broke down and there's no phone, my computer was getting fixed, etc...). I am firm about that while letting them know I'm also human and intuitive to their needs. This I think in turn freaks them out more that I can read them.

So - are they feeding me bs or are those legitimate fears/concerns? What can I do to prevent this from happening?

You have very legitimate fears and concerns. But what I would suggest take it very slow.

One of the most important factors that you absolutely need to find out from this person is:

Has he or she had any real-life BDSM experience?

If not, then you most certainly run the risk of them backing down at the last minute, and after you have invested your time and emotions.

_____________________________

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RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? - 4/26/2007 10:29:51 AM

vield

Posts: 354
Joined: 1/1/2004
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This problem of disappearance is not generic to males or even to subs, although since more messages seem to go from male subs to female doms, that is where the greatest # of occurances happen.
Some pro-domme friends have told me they ALWAYS collect in advance for the 1st few sessions a person books, and even then about 25% of people who have PAID do not show up. Most just disappear. Some keep finding excuses.
The biggest reason is fear. The man or woman becomes freaked out at themself for making a real connection and fears being thought a pervert.
Next biggest reason is that the person has lied to you to get your attention, and now know a ,meeting will "bust" them. They may be lying about anything...age, sex, race, height, weight, experience, wants, needs, limits, etc. Negotiating honestly is important, so lies cut the person off for me.
Men will often try to claim they are into ANYTHING you are because they want a domme or sub partner so bad. Once they realize what they have gotten into, evaporation seems like the safe thing to do. My partner & I talked this over recently at a munch where a domme was wondering about these problems. She was very happy to realize it is such a common thing.
Women may also claim to want what the other does like to make a connection, then evaporate the same way. This is not as common as men doing it.
Social, religious, family, job and other pressures may cause a person to need to step back and think about things. This is OK if they are honest about it, but many just vanish.
A sub or dom partner who experiences "drop" a few hours or days after a great very intense scene may suffer something similar to depression, and may not be able to be in touch for awhile. Then the guilt of not writing or calling hits them, they judge themselves severely and feel they are no longer worthy of you. Usually some TLC can get them through this IF you know about it, but that will be difficult if the partner was visiting from 800 miles away.
Sometimes a submissive judges that they have become horribly unworthy of you because they "disobeyed" you or fell short of something you suggested they do. It may be nothing you even care about, or may even be something you sought (like making him or her come while telling them not to). But a very submissive person often feels Pleasing the dominant is far more importantnthan anything else in life, so a little thing you did not take serious may cause them to condemn themself and go away so as not to offend you.
Lots of other things can happen. If the other is not open and honest about this, the connection usually breaks.

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As always, your mileage may vary!

vield

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Post #: 42

Re: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? - 4/26/2007 11:17:58 AM

addicted2it

Posts: 322
Joined: 5/31/2004
From: California
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With regard to a previous post about pro-dommes and no-shows,

I have not heard of pro-dommes charging in advance for services as a way to weed out potential no-shows. It might not be a bad idea, but I would imagine that many subs only want to pay cash, only because they are worried that their spouse (if they are married) might question an unusual charge on their banking statement.

Many businesses run the risk of no-shows, but they do require notice of cancellation some time prior to the appointment. It is unfortunate that some people do not even call.

I feel sorry to those pro-dommes who get all dressed up, only to find that the person didn't show up and never bothered to call.

-addicted

< Message edited by addicted2it -- 4/26/2007 11:18:32 AM >

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RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? - 4/26/2007 1:31:43 PM

MstrssPassion

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From: West Palm Beach, FL
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quote:

ORIGINAL: addicted2it
You have very legitimate fears and concerns. But what I would suggest take it very slow.

One of the most important factors that you absolutely need to find out from this person is:

Has he or she had any real-life BDSM experience?

If not, then you most certainly run the risk of them backing down at the last minute, and after you have invested your time and emotions.

But what of point that we've screened these people, met these people, talked with others who know them... everything you could possibly do & still they poof.

From what I gathered from the OP, she had met these people... they weren't people she had just spoken to online & the never showed up for the face to face.

The case I spoke of was a very real relationship. We were meeting regularly, not just for play & definitely moving toward a long term committed relationship... POOF! For years I never knew what happened & assumed as many scenarios as even this group could suggest. Low & behold, I get a email & then an instant message a day or two later. I got the same type of BS excuse bowandserve mentioned in her OP quote: "it was more than I thought it would be or I was afraid I couldn't live up to you".

What it was is reality just didn't live up to the fantasy & it was far more exciting to continue playing the field chasing the next domme like a drug addict chases the next fix.

So to the OP once again... it isn't anything you are doing or not doing or not recognizing....It isn't you at all & don't think you are alone in this.

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RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? - 4/26/2007 2:32:11 PM

bowandserve

Posts: 30
Joined: 3/2/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

quote:

ORIGINAL: addicted2it
You have very legitimate fears and concerns. But what I would suggest take it very slow.

One of the most important factors that you absolutely need to find out from this person is:

Has he or she had any real-life BDSM experience?

If not, then you most certainly run the risk of them backing down at the last minute, and after you have invested your time and emotions.

But what of point that we've screened these people, met these people, talked with others who know them... everything you could possibly do & still they poof.

From what I gathered from the OP, she had met these people... they weren't people she had just spoken to online & the never showed up for the face to face.

The case I spoke of was a very real relationship. We were meeting regularly, not just for play & definitely moving toward a long term committed relationship... POOF! For years I never knew what happened & assumed as many scenarios as even this group could suggest. Low & behold, I get a email & then an instant message a day or two later. I got the same type of BS excuse bowandserve mentioned in her OP quote: "it was more than I thought it would be or I was afraid I couldn't live up to you".

What it was is reality just didn't live up to the fantasy & it was far more exciting to continue playing the field chasing the next domme like a drug addict chases the next fix.

So to the OP once again... it isn't anything you are doing or not doing or not recognizing....It isn't you at all & don't think you are alone in this.

All true. I heart you MstrssPassion.

I don't know how I can keep from

. I don't think I can do it anymore. Whatever does one do when they know what they are, how it should be and others just f with that selfishly. Just drop out? ugh. Probably all for another posting...

But thanks, where else can one discuss this!!!

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RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? - 4/26/2007 7:04:25 PM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
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What you do is hold your head up high & keep on keeping on.

Never settle & never sell yourself short. You may find yourself in a dry spell for a long while but you know what... when you do come across that special someone who is just right for you & you for them.... IT IS ALL WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? - 4/26/2007 7:22:45 PM

Saint

Posts: 279
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bowandserve

As a female domme I get tons of requests. I think I weed them out then agree to meet with a sub - at a normal dinner "date". They typically then express their surprise at me (ok so I'll say it - I'm quite attractive and "normal") and beg for the chance to submit. I tell them upfront how demanding I am since I am looking for long term, not just a play partner as those are a dime a dozen. After the first play time they reflect how amazing it was,etc, etc. Maybe meet up a few more times. They are expected to keep communication open - I am very sensitive to a subs needs and try to guide them through their emotions. I let them know that as long as they tell me what's going on it's not a big deal. They are compliant and again express how they are so surprised "someone like me" is out there. We make plans...

Then, it's happened more than a few times that they literally drop off. Don't respond to emails and don't give a reason. A few later on come back and say - oh it was more than I thought it would be or I was afraid I couldn't live up to you. Another interesting comment is I made it real. As in, everyone complains that there are fakes and then here they are talking the talk but then not walking the walk. I do feel like I try to reassure them but walk the line of I'm the dominant one don't put up with a lot of drama - they wouldn't see me as the dominant one if I let them get away with bs excuses (I had to go help a friend who's car broke down and there's no phone, my computer was getting fixed, etc...). I am firm about that while letting them know I'm also human and intuitive to their needs. This I think in turn freaks them out more that I can read them.

So - are they feeding me bs or are those legitimate fears/concerns? What can I do to prevent this from happening?

I am very sorry that you have had these experiences. A lot of people out there are simply looking to get their kink fulfilled and of those, a good percentage lose the courage to go through with it when meeting someone for the first time. I have never just disappeared on anyone simply because I wouldnt want them to do the same in return to me. If things dont work out or if I have concerns, then they get addressed up front so that its understood and we can all go our mutual ways amicably. Again though, I am very sorry you keep having these repeat performances happen. It definately makes us male submissives who are genuinely seeking look bad and in the end all it does is further narrow the field and make it even harder for us to meet someone compatible.

_____________________________

"Anonymity is synonymous with longevity."
Faethor Ferenczy

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For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel tonight"
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RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? - 4/27/2007 1:05:33 AM

Dusty15

Posts: 50
Joined: 12/23/2005
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My thing is finding a Mistress to serve. You write to them and do not get anything back or they are looking of the perfect sub and I understand their problem. So if you would like to talk let me know

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RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? - 4/27/2007 3:02:15 AM

iwearpanties

Posts: 509
Joined: 7/21/2005
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i too have had this trouble ive written ven too say hi and introduce my self as a submissive not pushing my likes or limits in my frist coraspondance and i too have found MIstress are like us ive sent a few messages here thur collar me and have only gotten a few replys so i thnik it gose too show you we all need too work harder on things

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RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? - 4/27/2007 4:06:14 AM

Lucidian

Posts: 47
Joined: 4/27/2007
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quote:

As a female domme I get tons of requests. I think I weed them out then agree to meet with a sub - at a normal dinner "date". They typically then express their surprise at me (ok so I'll say it - I'm quite attractive and "normal") and beg for the chance to submit. I tell them upfront how demanding I am since I am looking for long term, not just a play partner as those are a dime a dozen. After the first play time they reflect how amazing it was,etc, etc. Maybe meet up a few more times. They are expected to keep communication open - I am very sensitive to a subs needs and try to guide them through their emotions. I let them know that as long as they tell me what's going on it's not a big deal. They are compliant and again express how they are so surprised "someone like me" is out there. We make plans...
Then, it's happened more than a few times that they literally drop off. Don't respond to emails and don't give a reason. A few later on come back and say - oh it was more than I thought it would be or I was afraid I couldn't live up to you. Another interesting comment is I made it real. As in, everyone complains that there are fakes and then here they are talking the talk but then not walking the walk. I do feel like I try to reassure them but walk the line of I'm the dominant one don't put up with a lot of drama - they wouldn't see me as the dominant one if I let them get away with bs excuses (I had to go help a friend who's car broke down and there's no phone, my computer was getting fixed, etc...). I am firm about that while letting them know I'm also human and intuitive to their needs. This I think in turn freaks them out more that I can read them.
So - are they feeding me bs or are those legitimate fears/concerns? What can I do to prevent this from happening?

It seems that we are on the opposite ends of the spectrum.

About two years ago, I was talking to a Domme [for about a year, online] that claimed that if I was willing to relocate, she would take me in for a couple of weeks "to see how things turn out".

I had money, and I sent her an e - mail saying that I was packed & ready.

Three weeks later she responded that not only was she in a serious relationship, but that she was a lesbian!

It seems to me that 100% of people on the internet are more concerned with their image, rather than using it [the internet] as a tool to get things accomplished.

It is to bad that the people who are not flakes are starting to abandon this medium.

< Message edited by Lucidian -- 4/27/2007 4:28:00 AM >

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RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? - 4/27/2007 4:18:34 AM

NakedGirlScout

Posts: 370
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Hi Lucidian,

I'm sorry that you've met such nutbars as the backpedaling lesbian, but the real people are not abandoning this medium because, no matter how much we would like to abandon it, there's really no other place for us to look for these relationships if we're casting our net over more than a strictly local population at munches or parties. I know it can seem that nearly everyone here is lying when you keep running into liars, but you only have to look at the wider scope of things to notice that there are a lot of real, committed couples also here who met online. It really is a matter of sifting through the garbage to find the pearl, and it's a very frustrating time (I know it is, because it took me five years of meeting liars to meet the real one), but I encourage you not to add a negative point of view to an already difficult and upsetting job as it is.

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RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? - 4/27/2007 5:24:59 AM

sting516

Posts: 505
Joined: 9/4/2004
From: long island, ny
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well...i will admit...there have been times where i've 'dropped off' for a couple of different reasons...

the usual reason is when i find that i'm controlling the conversation, or feel i'm in some sort of control in the relationship...this will normally not be found out until either we talk on the telephone or meet in person...the quickest turnoff for me is when i lose confidence in the Domme's ability to maintain control...and i'm not talking about a momentary drop in one's guard...but when i see the mindset that makes me believe i can control someone.

another reason i've dropped off from time to time is when i find something about the Dominant that just makes me feel uneasy...whether they seem unstable in some way, or i don't feel i can trust them for some reason...usually, this too occurs after meeting or talking on the phone, but those would be two reasons i might disappear in some way.

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RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? - 4/27/2007 7:25:07 AM

addicted2it

Posts: 322
Joined: 5/31/2004
From: California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

quote:

ORIGINAL: addicted2it
You have very legitimate fears and concerns. But what I would suggest take it very slow.

One of the most important factors that you absolutely need to find out from this person is:

Has he or she had any real-life BDSM experience?

If not, then you most certainly run the risk of them backing down at the last minute, and after you have invested your time and emotions.

From what I gathered from the OP, she had met these people... they weren't people she had just spoken to online & the never showed up for the face to face.

Yes, I think the topic got side tracked. We were talking about people who drop out of sight for no aparent reason, and then it turned into pro-dommes and no-shows.
And yes, she did write that she met this person (these people) face-to-face.

quote:

What it was is reality just didn't live up to the fantasy & it was far more exciting to continue playing the field chasing the next domme like a drug addict chases the next fix.

Yes, I think you are right on point with this. The fact that the reality often does not equal or exceed the expectation, along with the realization that the thrill of the chase is over, are probably the main reasons why some people disappear.

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RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? - 4/28/2007 11:58:35 AM

CinatasForums

Posts: 19
Joined: 4/13/2007
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I may not be the most knowledable person about this topic nor may I be the most knowledagable person in general but I always try to help out with advice from my past experiences. Like you, bowandserve, I am looking for a long term relationship as well. For those of you who have read some of my previous posts and know a little bit about me then this may make sense if not hopefully this will make sense anyway,

As with many submissive/slave men out there I have been very afraid when speaking with a domme even just online. I have never met anyone in real life who said flat out they were a domme but from how you said you were looking for a long term relationship right out like that I probably would of been petrified and started looking to bolt like a scared animal. My suggestion to you is much the same way I have started looking. Do not meet people specifically FOR that type of relationship EVEN IF that is what you want. If you are looking for a long term relationship the best way to go about that is to actually look for a "normal" relationship as you are feeling you partner out see if they woudl be into that either through observation or directly asking, it takes more time this way but you have a greater chance of finding the one you seek. As I always tell my friends who know about me, I look for three things in women, gorgeous, genius and a domme. It may take me many more years to find what I am looking for but I know eventually I will find it.

This boils down to a psychology problem that has been passed for many generations. In most societys around the world men are supposed be in the "dominant" role in society, just look at America's history until recently or if they were branded a heritic women stayed at home and men were the bread winners. Breaking that kind of "inborn" tradition is hard. The reason I brought that up is to prove a point that men are supposed to live up to that tradition in the eyes of society, breaking it makes them very fearful and skittish.

Well hopefully that helped, if not well just call me a nut case and leave it at that with my own crazy stupid view of society.

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