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RE: Sigh - 4/24/2007 2:54:17 PM   
tade


Posts: 663
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Tampa Bay, Florida
Status: offline 		We have ran into similar problems in the past and I feel for you. I also suspect that you (as did I) already know the eventual resolution that will come. It won't work. The doll's feelings will only grow and fester and your partner could become angry at the whole situation of you having another woman fall for you and not only pull the plug, but begin to harbor resentment of her own and that's nowhere you want to be. Toys come and go but a partner (if your's is anything like mine) is something to be cherished, especially one that's fine with letting you play with your own toys. Let the doll go and next time try not to be so damn loveable.  Oh Lord it's hard to be humble...

_____________________________

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson

It's a magical world Hobbes 'ole buddy. Let's go explorin'~ Calvin

(in reply to RubberWitch)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Sigh - 4/24/2007 3:04:24 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

WTF. Of course you can control your emotional connections. They are your emotions aren't they? Who else would you expect to control them.



I beleive they were talking more along the lines of you control who your emotional connections form with as opposed to actually controlling those emotions.

I can control my emotions so when a relationship ends with someone I love, I dont allow the grief to overwhelm me and start mentally unhealthy "stalker" like behavior.

I cant make myself fall in love with someone, no more than I can make the emotions completely disapear as opposed to dealing with them.

The "dolls" falling in love wasnt her fault or in her control. Only how she handles it is.

Of course thats my two cents.

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The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

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(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Sigh - 4/24/2007 3:33:23 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

Even if your "doll" knew up front that you have a committed partner, no-one can truly control their emotional connections and only the immature think they can.

WTF. Of course you can control your emotional connections. They are your emotions aren't they? Who else would you expect to control them.

Recognise these words?
"You shouldn't feel an instant connection. But if you could, isn't it amazing when you can feel so comfortable with someone you just met."
 
Sounds more like wishful/hopeful thinking (and a good thing) than someone in complete control of his emotional connections....
 
I stand by my words.  You can't control who you connect with; only get yourself close enough to someone you'd like to connect with and hope nature or whatever does the rest.  You're really 42?  Sir WTF, go strut on someone else's "dime"....
 
Focus.

(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Sigh - 4/24/2007 4:30:50 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline
If you feel your 'doll' is extorting you by letting you know she has fallen in love, why would you continue to play with her?
When you Top someone, you take a responsibility to do as little damage as possible, to someone you know wants to serve you and be with you and do what you want. Someone who may sometimes put those priorities ahead of their own well-being. A responsible Dom does not say, 'Hey, she didn't safe word, she said I could...' when things go wrong. He takes an active interest in making things not go wrong. A responsible Top takes responsibility.
Since you can clearly see that continuing to play with her will add to her injury, you have a responsibility to put a stop to it, and to help her move on.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Sigh - 4/24/2007 8:08:41 PM   
WhippingPostNY


Posts: 46
Joined: 9/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Any advice about handling the situation?


Yes,  - acceptance.

We are dealing with powerful feelings.  Often you are meeting the need of one who has longed for a lifetime for what you are providing.

Add to that the exhileration of sexual activities - and you will often be dealing with one who thinks they have fallen in love. 

Personally, I do not believe a meaningful love is possible for two people who have not yet met in the flesh.  (that is my theory - but I do reserve the right to be absolutely wrong about that)  There is a third (physical) dimension that is required for two people to "stand in love" - but it is not required to "fall".  Additionally, I have met many people who confuse all sorts of intense feelings for "love".

That said - I do not really see a problem - if your doll can see the beauty in the pain of her unrequited "love" for you.

Have fun

WP

_____________________________

In a bedroom locked ... whispers soft. Refusal. And then ... surrender.

(in reply to RubberWitch)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Sigh - 4/24/2007 10:57:02 PM   
StacyCat


Posts: 112
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RubberWitch
I have re-explained the situation to the doll, emphatically stating not only my love for my partner (live in, not engaged), but her importance to me. And, she turned round and exploded at me. which actually lead to play. and then to her appologising, and resubmitting herself to me. I will expect her to leave, but enjoy my time with her now.


You just rewarded her behavior.  Good job there.  Nice healthy relationship.

Expect drama, lots of drama.  If thats what you like in a relationship, great!  you found it.

(in reply to RubberWitch)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Sigh - 4/25/2007 12:41:07 AM   
Satyr6406


Posts: 820
Joined: 3/27/2006
From: New Brunswick, N.J.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StacyCat

quote:

ORIGINAL: RubberWitch
I have re-explained the situation to the doll, emphatically stating not only my love for my partner (live in, not engaged), but her importance to me. And, she turned round and exploded at me. which actually lead to play. and then to her appologising, and resubmitting herself to me. I will expect her to leave, but enjoy my time with her now.


You just rewarded her behavior.  Good job there.


Touché, Stacy!
 
and dominants always get so flustered when I tell them that their subs behave passive/aggressively based upon rewards (spankings, floggings, bondage etc.)
 
 
 
 
Peace and comfort,
 
 
 
 
Michael

_____________________________

Peace and comfort,


Michael

Former Vice-President Gore didn't invent the internet but, he DID make up global warming!

(in reply to StacyCat)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Sigh - 4/25/2007 2:02:24 AM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		It seems to me that you are poly. If you do not want to be poly, then stop the relationship immediately.

(in reply to RubberWitch)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Sigh - 4/25/2007 7:39:08 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Mad, I partially agree with you, partially do not. I personally believe in the Great Heresy, i.e. that one is actually responsible for how they think and how they feel. You cannot control what happens to you, you can control how you react to it.

You said:
no more than I can make the emotions completely disapear as opposed to dealing with them.

You are aware that how you deal with how you feel is under your control. I would put forth that the control of the emotions themselves is also under your control. Similarly the doll falling in love, that was under her control, or at least it could have been.

Society so brainwashes us that outside influences control our moods, control how we feel, it is an epidemic. As I said to Focus, They are your emotions. They don't bubble up from some unfathomable, unknowable source. They are generated by you, and by how you feel, think and react to stimuli. You have the ability to control how you will feel, if you choose to learn to do so. Really, you do.

Namaste, Sir Dominic



_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Sigh - 4/25/2007 8:05:07 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Focus, I was not attacking you, I was attacking your opinion. Don't take it so personally.

That you quote from my profile, and call it wishful thinking only means that you do not understand in the least where I am coming from. If you want to believe I am not in control of my emotional connections because I don't think the way you do, well, that is your right.

You said: "I stand by my words. You can't control who you connect with; only get yourself close enough to someone you'd like to connect with and hope nature or whatever does the rest."

You have a right to your opinion; I just do not agree with it. The concept that you can start to get close to someone and "hope nature or whatever does the rest"? Nature or whatever?????? I prefer to believe that I and the person I am talking with have more control over the possibility of a relationship between us, than some ephemeral "whatever".

You said "no-one can truly control their emotional connections and only the immature think they can." I already explained this in my response to MadRabbit. I completely disagree with you, and as I don't see us coming to a meeting of the minds, I suggest we agree to disagree.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Sigh - 4/26/2007 4:17:06 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

Focus, I was not attacking you, I was attacking your opinion. Don't take it so personally.

Hmmm, I shouldn't take it personally when you attack my personal opinion because you weren't actually attacking me....?  With dizzy logic like this, of course we'll never agree on anything! 
 
Just curious; if I publically attacked your car, your dog, your partner, your politics, your dress sense, your lifestyle choices etc - *without actually attacking you* - you really wouldn't "take it so personally"? 
 
Focus.

(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Sigh - 4/26/2007 5:33:48 AM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		Rubberwitch, as someone who can, quite easily, become emotionally entangled with a Dominant / Top, I must tell you that this relationship will only lead to your sub's heartbreak. To many, sex = love; and her resubmission to you is akin to an "I love you." If this girl means to you what you say, the best course of action is to tell her that it's over and leave it there. It isn't the easiest thing but it's best in the long run.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Sigh - 4/26/2007 7:39:29 AM   
Mustardseed


Posts: 291
Joined: 5/27/2006
From: Seattle, WA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RubberWitch

I have a beautiful girlfriend, whom I love deeply, and would not consider goin equal poly, because I well... have my partner, who is my partner, and my doll who is my doll.

Any advice about handling the situation?


So, what do you mean by "equal poly"? How does that differ from the relationship that you have going with your doll and your partner now? Is what you're practicing now "unequal poly?"

I'm not trying to bash you. It's just that people have been insisting that either you're polyamorous and in denial, or monogomous and cheating. I can seen where the confusion is coming in, and thus would like clarification.


quote:

ORIGINAL: StacyCat

You just rewarded her behavior. Good job there. Nice healthy relationship.

Expect drama, lots of drama. If thats what you like in a relationship, great! you found it.


I've got to agree here. Having recently helped run a relationship into the ground by not sticking to originally stating boundaries, trying to be nice, trying to compromise on things that really weren't negotiable ... we ended up with a huge mess that ended with a couple and a former third barely speaking to each other for a while. Indeed, until a discussion I had with the third a few weeks ago, I don't think it was made clear that -- as far as I was concerned -- the relationship is over.

If you can admit to both your partner and your doll that you're being inconsistent, and that compared to your primary relationship your relationship with your doll is expendable; and then act accordingly, you may find yourself dealing with less drama as time goes on. Particularly if acting accordingly means putting a stop to play with the doll.

Unless having arguments result in hot play is really what you want and something you and your partner have agreed is SSC or RACK play with others, I'd strongly suggest never giving into such a situation with the doll again. You're sending mixed signals, and will have a lot of difficulty establishing a firm platform in the future. The longer you allow yourself bouts of inconsistent behavior, the shakier the ground you'll be standing on when everything goes "boom!"

Good luck.

(in reply to slaveish)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Sigh - 4/26/2007 10:50:33 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		If you insist on believing you were personally attacked, when I made it clear that was not my intent, go for it. For a guy who pulls no punches when you express yourself on these forums, I'm surprised you have a problem with someone else doing the same.

But the rest don't want to hear our squabbling, so this is my last comment on the subject. We certainly do view the world very differently.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Sigh - 4/26/2007 2:03:49 PM   
kiyari


Posts: 631
Status: offline 		Say that YOU entered into something that you saw as meeting SOME of your then extant needs... and then YOUR PERCEPTIONS evolved [in the given case, emotionally] into seeing how (in the moments in which you were accomodated) there was potential for ... MUCH more...

Would YOU conclude:

Ah, but that was not our presumption/agreement, and so I 'wont go there'

...or would YOU 'push' for something more?

Think on this, and then be fair in your actions

_____________________________

Black Water Dragon

(in reply to RubberWitch)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Sigh - 4/27/2007 12:12:20 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

If you insist on believing you were personally attacked, when I made it clear that was not my intent, go for it. For a guy who pulls no punches when you express yourself on these forums, I'm surprised you have a problem with someone else doing the same.

But the rest don't want to hear our squabbling, so this is my last comment on the subject. We certainly do view the world very differently.

I have no problem with anyone expressing themselves - is what a public Forum is for.  But I was never burdened with the dubious nobility of "turning the other cheek" when attacked.  By all means take another shot at me anytime in the future - but none are ever free.
 
And you're most welcome to your own "noble" deed of ceding the field - it's old news; other antagonists have preceded you.... <shrugs>
 
Focus.

(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Sigh - 4/27/2007 12:21:21 AM   
Asraii


Posts: 91
Status: offline
quote:

no-one can truly control their emotional connections and only the immature think they can. 

I have to kind of agree with Focus50 here. You can not controll who you become emotionally attatched to. However, I do believe that you can control WHAT you do with those emotions.

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Nothing prevents happiness like the memory of happiness
Andre Gide

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Sigh - 4/27/2007 12:51:33 AM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		Sorry not offering advice but this topic just made me think of something, how can people ever think they can play with someone and not form an emotional attachment over time? I guess for the dominant half they could, but for anyone submitting in any form, I just can't comprehend how they could think this wasnt going to happen. If you think about the nature of submission, even in play, you are surrendering, its going to form bonds. Well that would be true for me, maybe I just have a really weak personality or something..its probably why I can't do casual stuff..blah blah blah.

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(in reply to Asraii)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Sigh - 4/27/2007 1:22:07 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		You can't control the emotions being there.... but you CAN control what you do about them. Thats part of being a responcible adult!

Whilst I feel sorry for the doll in this situation, she knew the situation going in, the situation hasn't changed but her feelings have, it is upto her to deal with those feelings, presumably woth RW's support IF that would be helpful. Either deal or move on but she has no right to expect the situation to change to suit her.


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This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to kiyari)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Sigh - 4/27/2007 5:22:51 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

Sorry not offering advice but this topic just made me think of something, how can people ever think they can play with someone and not form an emotional attachment over time?

Agreed!  I've posted many times that I can't play with just any willing "fem/sub meat".  If we're not likely to connect at non physical levels, the whole prospect of play has no point or value for me.
quote:

I guess for the dominant half they could, but for anyone submitting in any form, I just can't comprehend how they could think this wasnt going to happen.

Well, not this particular "dominant half".... lol  But experience has taught me that fem/subs get attached quicker than I do so I'm conscious of not letting her get too close too soon if it's apparently not happening for me.
quote:

If you think about the nature of submission, even in play, you are surrendering, its going to form bonds. Well that would be true for me, maybe I just have a really weak personality or something..its probably why I can't do casual stuff..blah blah blah.

"weak personality"?  Shocker!  lol  I would suggest that if you can't do "casual stuff" then you've taken the time to form bonds (or connect) before any demands were made of you.  That method certainly works for me, too!
 
The problem I've had with this thread from the outset was "doll" being portrayed as sinister and untrustworthy, even an emotional extortionist for cryin' out loud, (not just by the OP) when all she ever seemed "guilty" of was getting emotionally attached.  Wisdom, experience and maturity are not found in books and nothing, not even casual play, is free....
 
And before all the "bush lawyers" chime in, I am NOT advocating a "one true way" policy here, just my *personal* opinion.
 
Focus.

(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 40
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