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RubberWitch -> Sigh (4/22/2007 8:30:48 AM)
OK, I have a "doll" whom I play with regularly, and I love doingso, but recently, at the end of the session, she has thanked me, as per usual, but then seemed very sad/forlorn. Eventually I bought this up with her, and she has proffessed deep love for me, and an unhappiness of the "unequal" part of our relationship. now, I have a beautiful girlfriend, whom I love deeply, and would not consider goin equal poly, because I well... have my partner, who is my partner, and my doll who is my doll. Any advice about handling the situation?

topcat -> RE: Sigh (4/22/2007 8:50:53 AM)
M. RW- ouch. That's a tough spot. If it were me, there, I'd have a serious talk, making the point that if she was unhappy about it, she was free to leave, but that you were not willing to expand the relationship. I would expect, based on my experiance, that she will initally agree to continue as it has been, then, after a short time, become balky, and leave in a huff. Best of luck in this. try to keep in mind that conscoisly on not, she is trying to extort your love. Stand firm, be fair, be ready for a visit from the drama llama. Stay warm, Lawrence

mstrj69 -> RE: Sigh (4/22/2007 10:52:11 AM)
Topcat might have it right. My first question is what does she determine to be unequal and what do you determine to be unequal there. Your love of your partner will not change and neither will your feelins for your doll. Still, if it is just a matter of spending more time with your doll and you see no problem with that then it is easy to change the unequalness. You did not indicate if you are married or engaged to your partner. If discussing it out with your doll and maybe have your partner there also does not resolve it, just find another doll. Why prolong it for months while your doll swings back and forth and may cause problems between you and your partner.

OedipusRexIt -> RE: Sigh (4/22/2007 12:20:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RubberWitch I have a beautiful girlfriend, whom I love deeply, and would not consider goin equal poly, because I well... have my partner, who is my partner, and my doll who is my doll. Any advice about handling the situation? Be open and honest with everyone. Does your girlfriend, whom you love deeply, know that you play? Is it possibly you've been poly all along..?

windchymes -> RE: Sigh (4/22/2007 1:13:29 PM)
This is the down side of being someone's "doll" or "toy" or "fuckmeat" or whatever is anything EXCEPT the committed full-time partner in a romantic relationship/marriage. It seems like a fun idea at the time, but deep down in, we all want to be loved.

lucky123 -> hell angel (4/22/2007 1:27:27 PM)
how are u doing? pls canwe meet now? at yahoo mesanger

RubberWitch -> RE: hell angel (4/22/2007 2:15:39 PM)
Well, thankyou lucky123. for all the really good advice I've been offered, your post is the one thats sen me most at ease. My beautiful lover and doll may cause me problems, they're worth sorting out. especially when faced with the alternatives ]v[

windchymes -> RE: hell angel (4/22/2007 5:25:05 PM)
LOL

Kinkypupper -> RE: Sigh (4/22/2007 6:32:44 PM)
All 3 of you get together- you may indeed find it becoming poly.

Focus50 -> RE: Sigh (4/23/2007 3:56:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RubberWitch OK, I have a "doll" whom I play with regularly, and I love doingso, but recently, at the end of the session, she has thanked me, as per usual, but then seemed very sad/forlorn. Eventually I bought this up with her, and she has proffessed deep love for me, and an unhappiness of the "unequal" part of our relationship. now, I have a beautiful girlfriend, whom I love deeply, and would not consider goin equal poly, because I well... have my partner, who is my partner, and my doll who is my doll. Any advice about handling the situation? *The "getting of wisdom" is a life-long process. What you have here is a classic case of your* *urges getting ahead of your level of maturity, which is usually when feelings get hurt.* Even if your "doll" knew up front that you have a committed partner, no-one can truly control their emotional connections and only the immature think they can. You don't want poly yet you openly and intimately interact with two partners - what'd you really think might happen? Life's in the process of giving you a lesson on responsible conduct and the dangers of fucking with other people's feelings - pay attention! You might wanna factor in that old and often confusing proverb of "having your cake and eating it", too - and the consequences of wanting it all.... *Focus.*

Focus50 -> RE: Sigh (4/23/2007 4:08:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: topcat Best of luck in this. try to keep in mind that conscoisly on not, she is trying to extort your love. Stand firm, be fair, be ready for a visit from the drama llama. *Crikey - extort???* *I hardly see the OP as an innocent victim here, esp as we've only heard her side! Not wanting poly yet living simultaneous (and separate?) relationships surely invites drama, no?* *Focus.*

Satyr6406 -> RE: Sigh (4/23/2007 5:45:48 AM)
I was in a situation that was somewhat similar and I feel I have to echo Topcat's thoughts. I was involved with a young lady and had "playmates". All of these playmates knew the situation upfront. Yet, as is likely to happen, we run into that people that (seem to) think: "Okay, this is a really good person. I can 'snatch' him/her for my own, if I go about it, very 'subtly'". (They never think they're being passive/aggressive or cunning or deceitful. After all, "all's fair ... yada, yada, yada" Right?). She came to me and expressed her undying love and why I shouldn't be living my life, as I was (I wasn't with the right woman. She was REALLY the one for me. etc.). After a VERY looooong discussion in which I told her that it would probably be better for her, if she didn't see me, anymore, she decided that she would just "have to learn to deal with her emotions" because she didn't want to stop seeing me. No soap. It didn't take a month (a very much relation-dynamic changed month) for her to tell me that she just couldn't and that she was going to just go on her way. Thankfully, I was not emotionally invested in this relationship. I feel badly for her because, obviously, some damage was done but, I need to underscore: She was aware of the situation, right from the beginning. If there was any deception, it was her, fooling herself. Peace and comfort, Michael

topcat -> RE: Sigh (4/23/2007 6:02:34 AM)
Well, "extort" is a strong word- Maybe "compel"?

Focus50 -> RE: Sigh (4/24/2007 3:03:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: topcat Well, "extort" is a strong word- Maybe "compel"? *"Compel" still sounds like this "doll" is being accused of treachery or "sleight of hand" when the* *information provided suggests she's guilty of nothing more than forming an emotional attachment.* *Unrequited love is a hanging offence now? <shrugs>* *Focus.*

ayasha -> RE: Sigh (4/24/2007 3:49:19 AM)
When your doll entered into this, she probably thought she could handle it. She had no way of predicting that her feelings for you would change, that she would want more. It sounds as if she has enjoyed what time the two of you have together enough to realize that she wants a full time relationship, that being part time is no longer enough for her. Since you can not give this to her, maybe it is time for you to help her move on.

RubberWitch -> RE: Sigh (4/24/2007 7:17:54 AM)
OK, one piece of info I should add. When we first got her, the doll was supposed to be a plaything for both my partner(very inexperienced) and myself. She lost interest, but understood how much I enjoyed having the doll, so agreements were reached (win-win situation). I have re-explained the situation to the doll, emphatically stating not only my love for my partner (live in, not engaged), but her importance to me. And, she turned round and exploded at me. which actually lead to play. and then to her appologising, and resubmitting herself to me. I will expect her to leave, but enjoy my time with her now. (Oh, and "Extort" was sooooo the right word!) J

MadRabbit -> RE: Sigh (4/24/2007 11:12:13 AM)
Bah. Nevermind.

Celeste43 -> RE: Sigh (4/24/2007 11:19:18 AM)
Telling you that she loves you and needs you to love her back if she is to continue seeing you is not extortion. It is honesty. You want to view this as her being a bad person because you want to continue playing with her, knowing all the time that is detrimental to her to do so, yet you don't want to deal with your own guilt for not doing the right thing. And having two separate relationships at the same time is poly, or open, or whatever you want to call it. It isn't monogamy. Does your girlfriend have her own bit on the side too? Maybe you should find another dom/sub couple and trade subs occasionally. That way everyone will have their own primary partner and this situation should not then reoccur.

SirDominic -> RE: Sigh (4/24/2007 2:05:25 PM)
Even if your "doll" knew up front that you have a committed partner, no-one can truly control their emotional connections and only the immature think they can. WTF. Of course you can control your emotional connections. They are your emotions aren't they? Who else would you expect to control them. If you choose to believe that you can not love more than one person at a time, that is your prerogative. Your personal choice is not a universal law. To the OP: If you did any wrong, it was in being naive that your doll would not begin to have stronger and stronger feelings for you. And perhaps that you remained blind to this as it was happening, which served to fuel her frustration. It is a reality that most of the time submissives end up having tremendous feelings of love for their Dominants. Your doll was equally in the wrong for expecting more from the relationship than was possible. Assuming you explained to her up front what your relationship with her was, and would not be. Still, you are in the position you are in. No reason your relationship with your doll has to end; everything depends on how you cope with her needs from here forward. Namaste, Sir Dominic

kiyari -> RE: Sigh (4/24/2007 2:21:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ayasha When your doll entered into this, she probably thought she could handle it. She had no way of predicting that her feelings for you would change, that she would want more. It sounds as if she has enjoyed what time the two of you have together enough to realize that she wants a full time relationship, that being part time is no longer enough for her. Since you can not give this to her, maybe it is time for you to help her move on. "Since you can not give this to her, maybe it is time for you to help her move on." Women are ruled by our hearts. We may delude ourselves into thinking that we can remain aloof and uncaring, but we are most often in error on that account. No subterfuge. Find a way to be kind.

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