Extremely weird question... (Full Version)

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dprsub -> Extremely weird question... (4/28/2005 6:41:34 PM)

I have a bit of a problem... I'm not interested in sex. I don't mean that I can do with or without it, but rather I don't want it. I mean I _really_ don't want it.

This isn't something I usually talk about, as it obviously is not a problem in day-to-day stuff, but when it comes to looking for a partner... well, you might see how that might be kind of difficult. To make things even more unusual, I am very much into BDSM (though I haven't had the pleasure of actually experiencing it yet) and would like to share it with a partner of similar tastes.

I'm afraid, though, that no one would want a relationship like that. Are my fears justified? Has anyone ever heard of something like this before? I'm a bit perplexed over how to find someone without disappointing them on that point; any suggestions?




onceburned -> RE: Extremely weird question... (4/28/2005 7:07:36 PM)

quote:

Has anyone ever heard of something like this before?


Oh sure.

It may be less rare than you think and dommes willing to accept a no-sex sub might be more common than you think. If you are service-oriented in your submission then you can offer very tangible ways of improving a domme's life. Why would anyone turn down free housekeeping, for instance?

The problem lies in the non-sex demands that a sub might bring to a relationship. I noticed that you mention various types of play that you enjoy. These may or may not be of interest to a domme.

And whiny subs demanding attention, I can imagine, would be very off-putting. So that is a big no-no.

But overall, I would say you are in fine shape. [:)]



Voltare -> RE: Extremely weird question... (4/28/2005 7:24:08 PM)

I'll echo onceburned -you might actually have an advantage over the 'competition' as (from a Dominant Male point of view) it appears there are more Dommes who prefer a 'nonsex' relationship over a sexual relationship.

On the other hand (and I'll neither pry, nor attempt to play armchair psychiatrist) there's a bit of a difference betweening a low sex drive, and a dislike of sex. You might do well to do a bit of research or consult a psychologist about the situation. This isn't to say there is anything wrong, you might just be wired that way - but it could also be a symptom of something.

Stephan



dprsub -> RE: Extremely weird question... (4/28/2005 8:20:33 PM)

Thank you both for your replies! I don't mean to sound selfish, but I feel a bit compelled to reply/elaborate. I also hope that it's not rude to talk to two people in the same message; I just feel egotistical as it is without inflating the reply count twofold by talking about my own self.

Unfortunately, I'm not very service-oriented insofar as doing chores, manicures, etc... I wish I was, as I think that would make me much more attractive as a sub.

I do so desperately want BDSM to be something special I can _share_ with someone. I've been afraid that wanting to be a sub and not being able to give sex or service back as part of it would be selfish. Yet, I'm sure that wanting to submit --especially without sex --is something that wouldn't make any sense to most people, so a part of me is hoping that there's that special Dom(me) out there that would be just as illogically interested in sexless domination as I am illogically interested in sexless submission. ;)

Voltare: To be honest, I saw a psychologist for the very reason of trying to "fix" myself, since I didn't think anyone would want me otherwise. He said that there's nothing wrong with it, and while it's in the minority, it's by no means unheard of. He also said that they (we?) sometimes see it as a calling to a celibate position, such as a priest. (Please, no cracks about the sex abuse scandals by Catholic priests, as I find that affair extremely disturbing.) At any rate, he seemed to think it was something that one just needs to learn to accept about oneself instead of something that gets "fixed".



Voltare -> RE: Extremely weird question... (4/28/2005 8:29:55 PM)

Thanks for the note. I truely wasn't trying to suggest that something was, in fact, wrong - only that it was worth considering.

Stephan



247Master -> RE: Extremely weird question... (4/29/2005 6:24:16 AM)

The title of your topic hooked me. Then when I read your post(s) I was left with one big question. If you don't want sex, and you're not interested in service - just what would you have to offer in a relationship? Hope that question helps you.



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Extremely weird question... (4/29/2005 6:48:04 AM)

There's always someone who will want something, trust me, if you can IMAGINE a situation, people out there are LIVING It and very happy with it.

My question is, are YOU happy with it? If you feel comfortable with your low libido, then it shouldn't be an issue. However, if it makes you uncomfortable or causes you stress, then it might be something to discuss with a professional.



slavewoman -> RE: Extremely weird question... (4/29/2005 6:52:30 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: 247Master

The title of your topic hooked me. Then when I read your post(s) I was left with one big question. If you don't want sex, and you're not interested in service - just what would you have to offer in a relationship? Hope that question helps you.


My thoughts were similar. To the original poster -You are clear on what you don't want. It seems to me that it is very important to be equally clear on what you do want and, what you have to offer a perspective partner. Can you describe how you envision such a relationship. What would would it include? How would you see yourself serving your Domme? Are you looking for a steady play partner with whom you would engage in the activities you list or, something more encompassing?

You're looking for something outside the ordinary, as ordinary as any of this can be. It seems to me that you need to be able to present yourself in a way that targets the type of person you seek. I'd encourage you to spend some time figuring out how to do that.

Good luck.




AAkasha -> RE: Extremely weird question... (4/29/2005 8:36:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dprsub

Thank you both for your replies! I don't mean to sound selfish, but I feel a bit compelled to reply/elaborate. I also hope that it's not rude to talk to two people in the same message; I just feel egotistical as it is without inflating the reply count twofold by talking about my own self.

Unfortunately, I'm not very service-oriented insofar as doing chores, manicures, etc... I wish I was, as I think that would make me much more attractive as a sub.

I do so desperately want BDSM to be something special I can _share_ with someone. I've been afraid that wanting to be a sub and not being able to give sex or service back as part of it would be selfish. Yet, I'm sure that wanting to submit --especially without sex --is something that wouldn't make any sense to most people, so a part of me is hoping that there's that special Dom(me) out there that would be just as illogically interested in sexless domination as I am illogically interested in sexless submission. ;)

Voltare: To be honest, I saw a psychologist for the very reason of trying to "fix" myself, since I didn't think anyone would want me otherwise. He said that there's nothing wrong with it, and while it's in the minority, it's by no means unheard of. He also said that they (we?) sometimes see it as a calling to a celibate position, such as a priest. (Please, no cracks about the sex abuse scandals by Catholic priests, as I find that affair extremely disturbing.) At any rate, he seemed to think it was something that one just needs to learn to accept about oneself instead of something that gets "fixed".


If you just want no-sex bondage experiences they are out there -- you can play at parties or even visit a professional dominatrix. If you want experiences and friendship, I don't think that's an unreasonable expectation.

However, if you want a "relationship" in the true sense of the word, you have to realize the woman will have needs of her own. When you say no sex, that's still vague:

Does that mean just no intercourse, or are you open to providing oral sex to your mate for her pleasure?

Does that mean no kissing, fondling, petting? No intimacy at all?

Would you be jealous if you were in a relationship with a woman, and she had her sexual needs satisfied by another man?

These are the things that make it more complicated if you are looking for one woman that you can consider a girlfriend, mate, wife, etc. I imagine there are a lot of women that could probably drop actual penetration sex out of their relationship and not miss it, but I think you'd have a harder time finding a woman that had no desire for orgasms of her own, and even harder to find a woman who had zero desire for any kind of physical intimacy -- kissing, cuddling, affection.

Akasha



Kinkypupper -> RE: Extremely weird question... (4/29/2005 11:04:28 AM)

Ok I am a little confused you "LIKE" bdsm but YOU have never experianced it yet. ??
You are 25 I would "suggest" that you go see a urologist and have your testosterone level checked I am not saying you have a problem but the "lack" of sex in a hetro male is not normal at age 25 and some things are best to be careful with






onceburned -> RE: Extremely weird question... (4/29/2005 12:08:21 PM)

quote:

I do so desperately want BDSM to be something special I can _share_ with someone.


It sounds as if you are looking for intimacy. This is good. If you were simply looking for play you might have a harder time finding a domme who simply wanted to top you and nothing else.

Akasha asked some very good questions (as she always does). You might want to think about them and craft your thoughts into your profile.



chainedgirl -> RE: Extremely weird question... (4/29/2005 2:28:38 PM)

dprsub,

i say there are 5 sexualities in the world, straight, gay, bi, asexual and Dom/sub. (The Dom/sub one being slightly different in that it can encompass the others). You are asexual, simple. It is quite uncommon but not rare. There is another question i will ask you, have you thought about what you would do if a Domme required you to have sex as a way of humiliation or to reinforce your submissive role? Some Dommes don't necessarily have sex with their subs but will demand homosexual experiences.

At the end of the day, the Dominant is the one in control. When you become someone's property, they own _all_ of you, your sexuality included.



LordODiscipline -> RE: Extremely weird question... (4/29/2005 3:22:51 PM)

Not sure if this has been offered up yet:

There are people (both men and women) who are asexual - that is, they never develop a sex drive.

For those of you out there who "can not imagine this" - it is true...

If this does not get deleted, let me offer you up a few links:

http://www.newscientist.com/article.ns?id=dn6533

http://asexuality.meetup.com/

~J



GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Extremely weird question... (4/29/2005 3:55:49 PM)

dprsub, (does this stand for diaper sub?) you have already received some good answers and some good quesitons have been put to you.
I am going to assume that, as you say, youmay not be interested in sexual areas that are more traditionally accepted, but that you do receive sexual satisfaction in the areas you wish to explore.
I am wondering, however, what do you mean by:
quote:

More interested in meaningful BDSM activities than actual sex. Interests include restraints of all kinds, masochism, pet play, diaper play, blindfolds, gags, and forced sissydom.

as written in your profile?
What makes these activities the more meaningful BDSM activites? Perhaps for you, but you may be limiting yourself with the idea that this is all you want, and this is all that is meaningful.












onceburned -> RE: Extremely weird question... (4/29/2005 4:43:53 PM)

quote:

The amazing degree of variation in the experiences of asexual people suggests that the underlying causes of their lack of sexual attraction are very different. Some asexuals might simply have extremely low sex drives in spite of an innate orientation towards males or females. Other asexuals might form a fourth category of sexual orientation in addition to the hetero-, homo- and bi-sexual ones, namely people who are attracted to neither gender, even if they have normal sex drives.

There is no official definition for asexuality yet, but it probably needs to take all these variations into account


That is a very interesting article. Thank you, ~J, for sharing it. The article is a bit long, but it has good information such as DSM-IV has a category for "Hypoactive sexual desire" but it can only be diagnosed if the patient feels distress over low libido.

The article also mentions that there is an online forum, much like this one, for asexuals: http://www.asexuality.org/discussion/

And it offers a new slogan:
Asexuality: It’s not just for amoebas anymore [:D]

What an enlightening read!



FangsNfeet -> RE: Extremely weird question... (4/29/2005 6:20:23 PM)

You'd fit right in at my place. I have a sub she is the only one that I have sexual thing done with. So if you came to see me you would only be introduced to my torture and house/yard task but never my cock.



LordODiscipline -> RE: Extremely weird question... (4/29/2005 7:36:29 PM)

You are welcomed -

I simply read way too much - and, unusual things sincerely leave an impression.

~J



dprsub -> RE: Extremely weird question... (4/29/2005 8:24:12 PM)

Oh my... So many responses... I'm not sure what the proper ettiquete is... One post for each reply? Condense?

These responses might not be in order. I have difficulty putting a lot of these things in words, and so many of the replies make me stop to reflect, on top of that. I'm going to just have to write these out as I'm able to find the words to express myself with.

Oh, and I feel like I'm coming off as a bit of an egomaniac talking about myself so much. Please forgive me, but these are all good, thought-provoking responses deserving a reply with thought of it's own behind it.

What can I give back? In all honesty, I don't know. I could prattle on about loyalty, honesty, etc., but apparently these are cliche (as evidenced by another thread). For what it's worth, I do mean them in earnest. I also care about others a great deal, and nothing would please me more than to be able to put a smile on the face of someone special. As of yet, I do not think that oral sex is something that is within my abilities. It's not me refusing to do something just because I'm not interested; it's a hard limit that I regret having. Part of my submissive tendencies is an almost dog-like desire to please I've hit my head against that wall a hundred times over.

Like I said before, I know that most people could not understand wanting to do submissive things without sex; yet I do and I can't even explain why. A part of me is holding out hope that somewhere, someone wants just as badly to do dominate things without sex, even if most people (myself included) cannot understand why.




dprsub -> RE: Extremely weird question... (4/29/2005 8:37:45 PM)

quote:

At the end of the day, the Dominant is the one in control. When you become someone's property, they own _all_ of you, your sexuality included.


Anything that I could do to please my future Dominate, I would gladly do. While I do like the idea of being owned in every way, shape, and form, unfortunately we all have our hard limits and this is one of mine. I tried to force myself once, thinking that since everyone else liked it I just needed to try and I, too, would like it. The emotional and psychological result was not pretty, and not something I like to dwell on.



dprsub -> RE: Extremely weird question... (4/29/2005 8:43:57 PM)

quote:

My question is, are YOU happy with it? If you feel comfortable with your low libido, then it shouldn't be an issue. However, if it makes you uncomfortable or causes you stress, then it might be something to discuss with a professional.


Yes and no. I am different, sure. I may not comprehend pleasures of the flesh, but there is more to the world than sex. Unfortunately, I seem to get bombarded by messages that you need sex to be happy. It's marketed. It's on the front of magazines; it's all over TV, movies, radio, and billboards. It's a message conveyed in everyday speech when people act like it's the most important thing in the world. Like a kid who thinks he needs the latest clothing, or a homosexual person who thinks they need to marry and have kids: It's when you start letting that message get under your skin and you become unhappy with yourself that it becomes a problem.



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