RE: What help can i get here...

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: What help can i get here...

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: What help can i get here...

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: What help can i get here... - 4/24/2007 2:30:28 AM

MariaB

Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: minnetar

First i do not believe you are a slave because you have set limits minnetar

I have heard this a few times now on this site.
How can any human being not have limits?
So if Master tells his slave to do something illegal that’s ok?
If Master wants to do a proper crucifixion and pin nails through her hands that will cause her long time damage, that’s ok?

A slave is not someone who should be up for anything provided Master instructs her because there are some real dangers out there that they could be getting themselves into.
I know a 21 year old girl on the scene that can not make love without passing a bowel movement. She was a slave with no limits who was continually anally fisted until she was damaged. Is that ok?

(in reply to minnetar)

Post #: 21

RE: What help can i get here... - 4/24/2007 4:48:50 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

If I can't trust him to keep his word then I can't trust him to keep me safe. So if he cheats on me after promising monogamy, then I can't trust him not to be transmitting a STD to me. I can't trust him to stop if I safeword. I can't trust him to not do major harm to me. I can't trust him to honor my limits, physical and emotional. And without trust, there is no relationship.

(in reply to MariaB)

Post #: 22

RE: What help can i get here... - 4/24/2007 5:08:56 AM

wandersalone

Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline

Does the Master/Mistress have a right to hide anything he/she wants from the slave? Even if it is something they have discussed in great detail and the slave will not allow it to be a part of their relationship or the slave will not be in the relationship.

Have you talked about this with your Master, and I don't mean leaving gentle hints or sighing a lot (not implying that this is what you are doing) and hoping he gets the drift but actually communicating clearly about the particular issue. Do you have times when you can talk about issues that are concerning you? Are you positive that your Master is doing whatever it is that you feel he is doing. Does he have reasons for doing whatever it is? Is this part of pushing your boundaries?

_____________________________

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
My all time favourite threads
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2002501
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=790885

(in reply to ineedcontroled)

Post #: 23

RE: What help can i get here... - 4/24/2007 6:22:24 AM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ineedcontroled

When in a Master/slave relationship, do any of you feel that both sides should be open about everything?

No.

quote:

Does the Master/Mistress have a right to hide anything he/she wants from the slave?

Yes

quote:

Even if it is something they have discussed in great detail and the slave will not allow it to be a part of their relationship or the slave will not be in the relationship.

If the "slave" is making the rules in the relationship then what do that want a "Master" for?

quote:

Also, I must say it is something the “Master” agreed not to do. Then they go behind the slaves back and do it anyway.

It is their prerogative to do so. But they should also understand that with all decisions made, there will be consequences and ramifications attached to them.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to ineedcontroled)

Post #: 24

RE: What help can i get here... - 4/24/2007 6:45:27 AM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

I don't know what your dynamic is. I don't know what the problem is. All I can do is tell you what I believe to be true.

Master ~can~ do what he pleases, but if it goes against an agreement or hard limit or contract, Master has crossed a line. If you cannot trust your Master to keep his word then you have nothing.

If you have made your wishes perfectly clear through effective communication, and if he solidly agreed (meaning didn't simply imply he might agree to this limit at some point in an unnamed future) then he is not worthy of the trust you placed in him. It is too serious a relationship to give room for doubt.

You are each responsible for your own actions and reactions, as well as the fallout that occurs from them. Nothing is ever one-sided - look to yourself first to see what you could have done differently, and keep it in your blueprint book for next time (either with this Master or with another).

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 25

RE: What help can i get here... - 4/24/2007 7:07:38 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB
So if Master tells his slave to do something illegal that’s ok?

Yes.

quote:

If Master wants to do a proper crucifixion and pin nails through her hands that will cause her long time damage, that’s ok?

For some, yes.

quote:

I know a 21 year old girl on the scene that can not make love without passing a bowel movement. She was a slave with no limits who was continually anally fisted until she was damaged. Is that ok?

Generally no, but I'd have to know whether she went into it knowing it as risky and damage just happened, or whether it was done improperly and caused damage which could have been avoided.

Don't ask silly questions like "Would you kill someone?" Yes, I'd kill someone, given the right circumstances. That has nothing to do with being a slave or not.

Ask questions like "Would you give up your sense of self and knowingly harm the ones who have given you their trust for no reason other than a masters whim?"

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MariaB)

Post #: 26

RE: What help can i get here... - 4/24/2007 8:37:06 AM

m0rgan

Posts: 403
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline

my 2 cents; an agreement after a negotiation should be inviolate! ! ! note the fact that there are no qualifications to this. you negotiate and agree, then comply, each.

_____________________________

download this, the girls voice will make you damp--->

http://www.saab.com/main/GLOBAL/en/download_release_me.shtml

a loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou,
beside me, in the wilderness, were paradise enough!

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 27

RE: What help can i get here... - 4/24/2007 9:01:49 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

You only have "no limits" if you have agreed to have "no limits". This is a breach of an agreement. Do you now feel that you're getting an even exchange in the relationship? Would it be healthy for you to continue? If not, it might be time to leave it.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to ineedcontroled)

Post #: 28

RE: What help can i get here... - 4/24/2007 9:14:43 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

This is precisely why I would never be a slave.
I would not put up with this kind of behavior from anyone for long.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to ineedcontroled)

Post #: 29

RE: What help can i get here... - 4/24/2007 9:40:22 AM

sunfleur

Posts: 75
Joined: 11/13/2005
Status: offline

i wont be part of a relationship where the other person doesnt value me enough to value my opinions and feelings too. online mostly, i've seen a lot of this type of thought where Master/Mistress is the high exhaulted ruler, and the sub/slave gets what kibbles and bits are thrown to him/her. sorry, not my style. if you enjoy that then.. enjoy.

sunfleur

(in reply to ineedcontroled)

Post #: 30

RE: What help can i get here... - 4/24/2007 10:41:07 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

There's been a lot of good advice here. Especially the comments about the communication. If you are permitted periods of free speech, where you can speak to your Master about things that are troubling you, I would think exercising it on this (whatever it specifically is) would be a good idea. If you entered this relationship with certain understandings in place, they should be honored. While some will say that, as a slave, you no longer have the right to question your Master, I don't go along with that theory. This seems to be a point of agreement before you became his slave, which has a lot of impact.

In My own mind, I keep going back to the thought of the phrase "unintentional harm". The term is usually associated with physical, but it's not limited to that. It can also be applied to mental and emotional aspects and it sounds like it might fit this situation. If your Master is causing unintentional harm and doesn't care..... Big red flag!

I hope you and your Master can get past what is troubling you. Best of luck.

(in reply to sunfleur)

Post #: 31

RE: What help can i get here... - 4/24/2007 11:06:34 AM

Suleiman

Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

Woo. Speak of the devil. I was just commenting in another thread about my bad experience with an old TPE, and hard limits was at the center of it.

FIRST OF ALL - THIS IS JUST ME. I can not speak for anybody else, and the onl feedback I can give is by necessity vague and entirely based on my own experience and opinion.

Hard limits are hard limits. "Slave" is a role, nothing more. You have to AGREE to become somebody's slave. If there is something that you are uncomfortable with, that you do not want to have happen, it is your perogative as a human being to set limits regarding that thing. The dominant in your example may very well have reasons for doing whatever it was that hypothetically occurred, but in the end, the submissive still has to decide what it acceptable to them. Either they let the breach slide, and continue on with the relationship, or else it becomes a sticking point, and eventually the relationship will dissolve if the dominant continues with this line of behavior.

In my bad experience, I was alternately told that it was okay for me to set limits and to mantain certain boundaries, but it seemed that as soon as I set a limit (and I never do so without taking time - like weeks - to think it through and try to find alternatives), my top would agree, and then would cross that limit soon thereafter. Not agreeing to the limit, or demanding that I work on whatever the issue was, would have been acceptable, but instead, it was as if the limit was itself a challenge that she needed to run roughshod over, and when I took issue with her for the betrayal of trust that I felt, she insisted that it was her perogative to do so, and if I was unhappy with serving her, I should leave.

Eventually, I left.

Look, it all comes down to what you want, what you are willing to do, and what you are willing to put up with. Some folks want, even need, to cross those boundaries, and some folks are okay with having those boundaries crossed. I think it's disfunctional as all hell, but if you're okay with it (that is to say, if sitting around late at night sniffling 'poor me' with a pint of icecream is part of how you actualize your submission, as a for instance) that that's just part of your relationship. If you're not okay with it, then you really have to consider how important this one person is to you.

A submissive can always find someone to serve, even if only to sublimate the urge by volunteerism and social work. You can always find someone to take care of. A dominant without a submissive to serve them, on the other hand, is really nothing more than an opinionated jackass.

Be proud. Find your limits, and stick to your guns. You made a choice, and you can always change your mind.

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to ineedcontroled)

Post #: 32

RE: What help can i get here... - 4/24/2007 4:10:26 PM

OedipusRexIt

Posts: 634
Joined: 11/15/2005
Status: offline

OP:

Just by asking the questions, can't you see the answer. If you thought any of it was right, you wouldn't have asked. Don't look for validation of your feelings from us - they're valid!

Now... if you have an answer from anyone here that you believe is correct, what will you be willing to do about it?

_____________________________

"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die..."

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 33

RE: What help can i get here... - 4/24/2007 5:29:50 PM

Owned1

Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline

I believe you are asking two seperate questions, does the M have the right to hide things, sure.

Does the M have the right to do something that has been discussed and agreed to not happen~ no.

Owned

_____________________________

~~in His Chains i am free~~

(in reply to ineedcontroled)

Post #: 34

RE: What help can i get here... - 4/24/2007 7:15:37 PM

N4SDChastity

Posts: 327
Joined: 2/27/2006
Status: offline

I think Suleiman inadvertantly called me an opinionated jackass...

...not that I'm not, mind you

(in reply to Owned1)

Post #: 35

RE: What help can i get here... - 5/11/2007 9:19:36 PM

ineedcontroled

Posts: 3
Joined: 4/18/2007
Status: offline

With what you said here. I agree with totally. I will not do whatever they want. They will treat me with respect or they can go away. That is what my problem is now. I am a slave and I will please Master in whatever way I can. But I will not be treated lower than dirt. I will not be abused in any way. Mentally, physically, or any other way.

Thank you for this thought you gave.

(in reply to sunfleur)

Post #: 36

RE: What help can i get here... - 5/11/2007 11:02:17 PM

imtempting

Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

Every relationship has secrets but it just depends on what the secret is.

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 37

RE: What help can i get here... - 5/13/2007 2:45:28 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

I think a big part of BECOMING a slave is finding the right Dominant partner, Master or Mistress, whose own worldviews (thinking of the thread on racism!), values, ethics and hard limits are sufficiently close to one's own that compatability occurs, trust develops and the relationship is cemented to the point where the slave can give themself to the Dominant. It's not a matter of the slave "making rules", it's a matter of choosing the right person and then trusting that things won't radically change. From the point of the contract on, the slave appears to have "no limits" as they are all pre-sorted out and shouldn't need to be highlighted or reworked all the time.

Now, let's take an example. Say neither prospective slave nor Dominant had any professed interest in scat. So it was agreed before the M/s occurred that scat would not be part of the relationship. The M/s relationship is established, trust develops even more, power exchange is occurring etc. Fast forward some indeterminate time ... and suddenly the Dominant gets curious about scat. In my opinion, the ethical way the Dominant should manage this is as follows:
1. Communicate their changed interest to the slave eg looking at a picture and saying, I never thought this would interest me but now it does.
2. Allow the slave to freely communicate their current stance. It could have changed also ... or it could still be as hardline a NO as it was before.
3. If it is still NO, then I don't believe it is ethical for the Dominant to force the issue or to try to coerce the slave into engaging in that activity. It is going back on the original agreement. And I wouldn't expect a slave to want to stay with someone who doesn't keep their word.
4. An alternative would be to say, Well, I'd like to explore it, so I might try to find a sub/slave that is interested in it to try it with. And make very clear whether the intent is to be an adjunct to the current slave or to replace the current slave.

For me this is the only intelligent form of slavery, because it relies on informed consent. And that's what this is all about yes?
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to imtempting)

Post #: 38

RE: What help can i get here... - 5/13/2007 6:35:15 AM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Right? Sure. Should they exercise that right? No. To hide something would mean that they fear something, that they feel their sense of authority would be compromised if they revealed it- which means they aren't in control, their fear is.

I concur with this wholeheartedly. It is something I practically preach at The House. For a Master to hide something is to say that he is fearful of the consequences, which puts too much control in the hands of others.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 39

RE: What help can i get here... - 5/13/2007 8:05:50 AM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: N4SDChastity

I think Suleiman inadvertantly called me an opinionated jackass...

...not that I'm not, mind you

hmmmm . . . I dunno, if you were really an opinionated jackass you'd start arguing with him therefore prove it is true. You get too many style points for this.

heh

< Message edited by happypervert -- 5/13/2007 8:06:43 AM >

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to N4SDChastity)

Post #: 40

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: What help can i get here...

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.090