RE: regaining respect or trust

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MrDiscipline44 -> RE: regaining respect or trust (4/24/2007 6:58:42 AM)
If one bad thing, out wieghs all the good things you had together with this guy, then obviously those good things and the relationship don't mean as much to you.

angeleyez1983 -> RE: regaining respect or trust (4/24/2007 6:59:04 AM)
i dont believe in anyone being right or wrong, or that certain posts are better than others...i asked for thoughts reguarding this matter as i would like to gain perspective. which i have, and i would like to thank you all for that, even the "harsh" / negative thoughts are welcomed. in the end it is my final choice, and no one can tell me what to do, but it is important to hear from "outsiders" who are not involved closely to me, or Him, to be able to get an overall view to make this choice.

slaveish -> RE: regaining respect or trust (4/24/2007 7:00:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: angeleyez1983 We have both agreed that we will not discuss it any further as He, nor i like harbouring on issues, and after all the apologising, it has been discussed enough. However, there is still that issue of me feeling like i dont have that mutual respect amymore...and my trust in Him is very weak right now. Apparently there is a need to keep communicating about this but perhaps the communication should be more effective. Don't blame or shame or guilt. "When you said X, I felt Y because ..." instead of "You said this and you suck because you hurt my feelings." As for taking a cue from vanilla relationships and walking away after a miscommunication ... wow. I think this is where you need to start. Who walks away after a fight? Fighting means there is a problem, not that there is a reason to bug out. I suggest professional therapy for you to help you figure out why a fight has to be an ending instead of a discovery. We must always start with the self and work outward from there.

Histigress -> RE: regaining respect or trust (4/24/2007 7:17:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveluci quote: ORIGINAL: angeleyez1983 long story short, He hurt me emotionally with words on Sunday (which he has apologised about, admitting He was more harsh than needed be, and had no right to do so), which i have been trying to deal with. To me, this line jumped right out. If you have been "trying" to deal with it, it's obviously not dealt with (not behind you, you're not "over it," etc.). So, this indicates to me that, even though he apologized, it's not settled with you. Perhaps you didn't really believe/truly accept the apology? That happens. Obviously something like this is the case as you were bothered enough to bring it back up to him. However, yesterday when i brought it up as i felt it was important to communicate my unhappiness to Him, His response was simply “get over it. This response caused even more harm, and i feel like it has killed the trust and respect i had for Him. i also think it was important to communicate your unhappiness to him. What's the alternative? Feeling upset but refusing to be honest and say so? For me, this would only cause resentment to build up. There have been times in O/our relationship when i have been upset by something and initially chose not to tell Him of it or discuss it. He can always tell because i cannot really hide my feelings. When He asks me, i always end up being totally honest with Him. If i weren't, i know i would feel resentment and there would be a wall between U/us. This is not acceptable in O/our relationship. He owns me and He is entitled to know everything i'm thinking or dealing with emotionally. He WANTS to know so that W/we can work things out if they need to be. i cannot imagine Him ever saying "get over it." If i COULD get over it, i already would have. i wouldn't need to talk it out with Him. He knows that and by dismissing me in such a selfish way, that would do nothing but cause further harm as you said it did for you. i agree that if that were to be Master's reaction to me, it would indeed diminish the trust and respect i have for Him because it would seem to me like He couldn't be bothered with my "petty" emotional well-being. i again made an attempt to talk to Him trying to explain that His response to me has only hurt more, He again has apologised, but i feel now that i cant (maybe don’t even want to) place that trust in Him again. Someone can apologize over and over but if it isn't sincere or if the person to whom it is directed doesn't accept it for whatever reason, there is work still to be done. He apologized once but there were obviously still some issues needing to be addressed. So, it seems you tried to address them and he said "get over it." This made matters worse so you once again tried to communicate this and it seems He still refuses to hear. Yet...he issues yet another "apology." To me, if he was really "sorry," He would stop issuing apologies and just listen to why you are still hurt. i am confused, i care about him, am committed to this training, but i am finding it really hard to talk to Him, let along be in the same room as Him right now. This is that resentment i spoke about. If Master told me to "get over it" and wouldn't hear me out as to why i still felt hurt, i can guarantee there would be resentment. i entered into O/our M/s relationship with absolute trust that there would be open, honest communication and that i could always depend on Him to listen to my concerns. Granted, there is no guarantee my concerns are going to influence or sway His decisions and that's fine, but He ALWAYS allows me to speak my mind, even when my thoughts/opinions may not agree with His. To me, this is so vital. Maybe just a little space would do us both good? As i am new to this lifestyle, my reaction in a "vanilla world" would be to walk away from this relationship. i would suggest just the opposite. Seems like there is already too much "space" between Y/you. If i found myself in this situation, i would be upfront with him. i would tell him just what you have expressed here: that you, for whatever reasons, couldn't accept the apology, that you are even more hurt by his seeming dismissal of your efforts to discuss why, and that, if this were a vanilla relationship, you would be heading for the door. If you truly don't want to leave, i would tell him all this and ask for his help. Seems to me putting more space between you is the worst thing you could do at this point. We have both agreed that we will not discuss it any further as He, nor i like harbouring on issues, and after all the apologising, it has been discussed enough. Yeah, seems to me as upset and hurt as you are, the best thing to do is just agree to not talk about it anymore. Just shut up, be stoic, don't harp on it, and just forget about it.......NOT. It's not going to disappear. Whenever i have something that's bothering me, Master insists W/we talk about it until it's worked out - no matter how long that takes. Sometimes i tell Him i know it's petty and i feel badly for bringing it up, but He always assures me that if it concerns me and my well-being, it is NOT petty to Him. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about this - if you are still bothered by it, just shutting up and burying it unresolved is only going to lead to deeper problems later, i can assure you. It obviously hasn't been discussed enough if it hasn't come to a resolution. However, there is still that issue of me feeling like i dont have that mutual respect amymore...and my trust in Him is very weak right now. So now the real advice i need…how do i get back into that head space i was in before this all happened…how do i go back… i don't think you CAN get back into it until this is worked out. i know everyone is different, and deals with things in their own way, but has anyone been in a similar situation and can offer some advice / guidance. As you say, everyone will offer different advice. i've already read some that are basically blaming you and telling you it's your fault for not getting over it (just like he did). That reasoning works for some but not for me. If my Master thought for a second that i was bottling up my hurt feelings just to pacify Him, He would be pissed. He owns all of me and takes responsibility for my well-being, both physically and emotionally. Along with all the rights His ownership brings Him, it brings responsibilities too. If my headspace is not as it should be, He will not rest until it is and, for U/us, this involves listening and Him respecting my feelings, even if He doesn't always perfectly understand them. Drama for drama's sake sucks and i am absolutely NOT into it. But to me, it is absolutely NOT drama when i just can't get past something and i genuinely need His help. If he's really the master for you, He will help. If not, perhaps he needs someone who will just keep it all bottled up inside and be miserable. That's just not my definition of a relationship.........slave luci i must say this is the best advice/guidance i have heard for this particular post yet... i agree fully with you slaveluci and commend you... every bit of it true and most of all "REAL".. i myself would have said the same (maybe not in so many words.. heheh); but i would rather have had such an honest and REAL answer.... than to just simply be told to "drop it, or leave"... kind of advice.... very nice.... kudos to you girl ...[sm=applause.gif] [:)]

Mercnbeth -> RE: regaining respect or trust (4/24/2007 7:32:23 AM)
There is no way to "regain" trust. It is an asset a person can only spend once. Respect is more subjective and a function of perspective. Some reading of your situation may respect your Dom for the direct "get over it" response to you. Your reaction to his reaction indicates to me you put too much trust in his ability to 'read' you. "Harboring issues" says to me that you both didn't know enough about the other to allocate complete trust. Get "naked" with him and you may not regain trust, but you may have it for the first time.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: regaining respect or trust (4/24/2007 7:32:36 AM)
The problem is that apologies don't actually FIX anything. They let you know they feel they did something worth apologizing for, but that's it. The original issue which caused the need for the apology still exists- and that issue certainly might come up again and continue to cause pain. I can forgive someone easily, but I won't forget and you better be willing to work on what caused the pain, or you'll be left with me pulling back because I don't want to be with someone who thinks they can just slap an apology on something and make it all better. Now, it's difficult to see in this case whether the girl is really continuing to beat a dead horse, or whether the boy is avoiding the issue, or (most likely) whether they both have some bad communication habits. Either way, it doesn't sound like anyone is really happy about it and I'm afraid the only solution to that is to KEEP TALKING.

slaveluci -> RE: regaining respect or trust (4/24/2007 7:35:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Histigress i must say this is the best advice/guidance i have heard for this particular post yet... i agree fully with you slaveluci and commend you... every bit of it true and most of all "REAL".. i myself would have said the same (maybe not in so many words.. heheh); but i would rather have had such an honest and REAL answer.... than to just simply be told to "drop it, or leave"... kind of advice.... very nice.... kudos to you girl ...[sm=applause.gif] [:)] Thank you very much for the kind words. And as for there being so many of them....lol....that should kind of give you an idea of just what a patient and understanding man Master is. Even though it takes a lot of words to "get it out," He's willing to hear each and every one if that's what it takes for me to feel things are back as they should be. When i became His property, i was assured that my emotional wellbeing is of utmost importance to Him and He has never once failed to demonstrate that. i do indeed feel blessed. Thanks again...... luci

MasterFireMaam -> RE: regaining respect or trust (4/24/2007 9:07:10 AM)
Start asking yourself why this hurt...then keep asking yourself why, why, why until you can find a core thing. Then discuss THAT. In the end, only you can decide if you are getting an appropriate exchange in the relationship. If you're not, are you willing to stay anyway? Most find that to be unhealthy. Master Fire

Histigress -> RE: regaining respect or trust (4/24/2007 9:08:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveluci quote: ORIGINAL: Histigress i must say this is the best advice/guidance i have heard for this particular post yet... i agree fully with you slaveluci and commend you... every bit of it true and most of all "REAL".. i myself would have said the same (maybe not in so many words.. heheh); but i would rather have had such an honest and REAL answer.... than to just simply be told to "drop it, or leave"... kind of advice.... very nice.... kudos to you girl ...[sm=applause.gif] [:)] Thank you very much for the kind words. And as for there being so many of them....lol....that should kind of give you an idea of just what a patient and understanding man Master is. Even though it takes a lot of words to "get it out," He's willing to hear each and every one if that's what it takes for me to feel things are back as they should be. When i became His property, i was assured that my emotional wellbeing is of utmost importance to Him and He has never once failed to demonstrate that. i do indeed feel blessed. Thanks again...... luci no need to thank me... was just being honest... but you are most welcome, and i am glad that you have found One such as your Master, seems we have both been blessed, as mine is much the same... take care of you and your Master... [;)] Histigress

TigerNINTails -> RE: regaining respect or trust (4/24/2007 9:37:36 AM)
Ahh, that's my girl![8D] (Histigress) As for the OP: By far and away, the most important thing to do is communicate. If he's half the man he should be, he'll at the very minimum realize this. If he's wholly whom you thought him to be in the first place and then some, he'll do something positive and constructive about it. But if you're feeling that something isn't healed, isn't covered, isn't resolved, it's up to you to find it and then present it in a manner that is conducive to him being cooperative in resolving it. So in that, I agree with Fire, in that it needs to be dug into, to find the core of the problem, and then work on that. That however, most times takes a two way street. So I might approach this from the standpoint that "You once promised me, that all of my feelings, and emotional, spiritual and physical wellbeing were important to you beyond all else" or whatever the actual statement made, was at the time... "I still feel that we aren't at a resolution with what happened the other day. Just "getting over it" isn't an option for me, as there is a deeper cause to these feelings, and I would like your help in getting through this. Will you be willing to help me, to help us?" And see what he has to say to that. I don't know your individual dynamic in this relationship. Obviously, in some relationships, there would still be "proper routes" to take, in achieving what I had just stated, such as address, permissions, etc. But the whole point is that it's approached. That you take action, and first, try to find the core cause yourself, within yourself, because it might be. And failing that, perhaps ask for some assistance in finding the issue... Or, you could just need it beat out of you.[:D] I don't know. (that's a joke, obviously) But it works, in some cases. As for the trust issue... The only way to know if he'll continue to treat you as he should in the play room, is to give him that shot to do so. I don't see how a "comment made" should reflect on his integrity of "action". In other words, his ability to respect safewords, and limits etc. But stay away from blame, shame, guilt, etc. as has been mentioned above. These tend to make things worse, not better. That's my two cents. Peace. Tiger

juliaoceania -> RE: regaining respect or trust (4/24/2007 9:51:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam Start asking yourself why this hurt...then keep asking yourself why, why, why until you can find a core thing. Then discuss THAT. In the end, only you can decide if you are getting an appropriate exchange in the relationship. If you're not, are you willing to stay anyway? Most find that to be unhealthy. Master Fire Exactly

Histigress -> RE: regaining respect or trust (4/24/2007 10:06:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TigerNINTails Ahh, that's my girl![8D] (Histigress) [sm=preen.gif] blushes, bites her lower lip well hello... You know, if W/we keep running into E/eachother like this, it could get ... ermm... well... You know... heh... [;)] (thinks:... is there anywhere that i can hide, where He won't sniff me out?) heheh xoxo... Your zaisan (You know i am just kidding ... right Master???)

TigerNINTails -> RE: regaining respect or trust (4/24/2007 10:10:03 AM)
Of course petto... And if I thought you weren't... I'd just beat it out o' ya.[;)] Of course, knowing you like that, I might have to find another avenue of attack.[:D] Let's not hi-jack this thread. Peace girl. Tora Kuo

Histigress -> RE: regaining respect or trust (4/24/2007 10:16:00 AM)
[sm=ofcourse.gif] DOH! yes Master... sorry angeleyez... heh PS.. good luck to you hun, i wish you the best... Histigress

Histigress -> RE: regaining respect or trust (4/24/2007 11:15:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MellowSir It's a simple explanation, women prefer jerks, that's why you see so many with just that.... no disrespect intended, but..... SOME women prefer jerks... please don't imply that it is all women that prefer such, because honestly i do NOT prefer a jerk, and believe that Master is not one... thank You... Histigress

TigerNINTails -> RE: regaining respect or trust (4/24/2007 11:49:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Histigress quote: ORIGINAL: MellowSir It's a simple explanation, women prefer jerks, that's why you see so many with just that.... no disrespect intended, but..... SOME women prefer jerks... please don't imply that it is all women that prefer such, because honestly i do NOT prefer a jerk, and believe that Master is not one... thank You... Histigress [:D] Aww, thanks slut... What a vote of confidence.[:)] But in all actuality, while you are correct that only some women prefer jerks, and while I agree with Mellow, that it seems to be so blatantly common that all might well, I think it's less a prefer "jerks" issue, than it is a finding something else that they like a lot and they just turn out to be jerk-off's. I don't think it's their "jerkiness" that is the attractor factor here. But I will say that it seems it's been an epidemic for far too long. Perhaps there should be a pill that cures both the seeking of those that are, and the jerks themselves... Who knows. All I know is I try not to be one myself. But some people just hit all the right buttons. LOL.[:D] Alright, I'm done. Maybe the OP has a jerk. Maybe not. Not enough info on that to really quantify it. But the point of communication still stands. If it's not effective, and open, and honest, the relationship goes nowhere. Peace. Tora

nyrisa -> RE: regaining respect or trust (4/25/2007 12:30:22 PM)
(fast reply) The person I love the most in the world......sucks at apologies. Here is an example. "Hmmppff......well! If I was wrong.....I'm sorry!" Can you guess what a warm soft marshmallowy place THAT puts me in? For all the other many wonderful qualities he has, I doubt we will ever get over this one big impasse that crops up between us every now and then. I have learned (in our own situation) that my best path is to not even look for an apology, in fact, it is better if I avoid giving him the chance to apologise immediately. This is not to let things stew, but to give me a chance to calm down, and a chance for him to take a step back and see things clearly. Then, a day or two down the road it can be talked out, and I can calmly explain to him just what it was that bothered me so much, and he can process the information without the demon of hurt pride sitting on his shoulder and giving bad advice. We've been together for 30 years. Sometimes you may not find the "perfect" relationship formula, but you may find the one that works for you. Best of luck. smiles

LaTigresse -> RE: regaining respect or trust (4/25/2007 12:53:08 PM)
I just keep wanting to quote the prison guard guy in "Cool Hand Luke".......

imthatacheyouhav -> RE: regaining respect or trust (4/25/2007 1:01:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse I just keep wanting to quote the prison guard guy in "Cool Hand Luke"....... LMAO

amuzingtoyou -> RE: regaining respect or trust (4/25/2007 4:16:12 PM)
so he appologized...did you feel it was a sincere appology? Obviously you still had concerns about it as you brought it up again. By him saying to you, "get over it" you felt like you could not discuss your feelings. It really isn't about respect, its about communication. He is not at this point wanting to discuss this with you. You have a couple of choices. You can decide whether you accept this, and move on. You can continue to attempt to communicate your feelings with him. Or you can decide this is not a person who is willing to communicate and work on things with you, and leave the relationship. Now i have a habit when things have gone wrong in our relationship to want to talk the thing to death. To the point that He has said to me..are we going to go over this again? AT some point he does have to tell me..ok we have discussed this enough. You need to let it go now. But he doesn't do it in a harsh way. Just reminding me that we both agreed it was settled. If you agreed it was settled and brought it up again, then i can see why he would say get over it. There are always so many sides to a story. missi

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