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amiciaN -> RE: regaining respect or trust (4/26/2007 8:42:08 AM)
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angeleyez, maybe my story will help you.
Less than a month after I was collared (the first and only collar that I have worn), I seriously betrayed my Master's trust. It happened due to inexperience and not understanding, but it was a huge betrayal nonetheless and I almost lost His collar because of it. Fortunately, my Master saw enough potential in our relationship to forgive me and let His collar remain on me, but it took almost a month before that was certain.
So what did we do? We talked, even when it hurt and neither of us 'wanted' to discuss things. The primary rule in our relationship is honesty, on both sides of the kneel. I had also had to accept that I had nearly destroyed His trust in me, which was difficult. I made my mistake in large part due to ignorance, inexperience and misunderstanding, and my first impulse was to cry, "But I didn't understand!" and expect 'forgiveness'. It isn't that simple. My ignorance had no bearing on His being hurt by my actions. Yes, that ignorance is ultimately what kept His collar around my neck, but it did NOT excuse or heal the damage my actions caused. I had to accept that His trust was damaged and I also had to accept that I had a lot of work to do to regain it.
He forgave me for my mistake and kept me, but forgiveness is not the same as healing; it is only the first step. The others took time and work from both of us. I had to be very patient and quietly accept His lack of trust at times. I had to be very careful of my behavior. I had to face how deeply I had hurt Him. I had to watch that pain in His eyes. I had to accept that is was NOT something He could simply 'get over'. I had to wait for Him to heal and rebuild His trust. There were doubts created in His mind that sometimes still rear their ugly heads, a year and a half later. They may never completely go away and I have had to accept that and deal with it when it comes up. Thankfully, it is happening less and less. He is now able to honestly say that He does trust me again but I had to work regain it and not be angry when it wasn't there. I had screwed up royally and I have had to learn to accept responsibility for what I did and live with the consequences of it. I had to learn that being sorry didn't 'fix' a damned thing. Fortunately, my behavior since then as been trustworthy and He has mostly healed from the hurt I inflicted on Him. The trust is there again and I have vowed to Him and to myself to never betray His trust again, as He has never betrayed mine, even when the hurt was new, deep and raw.
Ironically, we both realize now that as horrible as that incident was, it ultimately brought us closer together. We still discuss it and all the issues it raised, though now we can talk about it without it being particularly painful. I still feel a stab of guilt for my actions and I think that I should feel that. I will never forget the look in His eyes when He learned what I had done. I betrayed His trust and that is a horrible thing that I never want to do again. My Master has given me the chance to prove I won't. (Merci, mon Maître!!) I have vowed to prove His renewed trust is not misplaced.
angeleyez, you are the only one who can determine if there is enough potential in your relationship to invest the time and energy it will take to work through this issue. It will be work. But if this relationship is right for both you, it can be done if you both want it badly enough. I know this post was long (and not easy to write or post), but I hope it shows that trust can be rebuilt. May you make the decision that is best for you and brings you peace.
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