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RE: regaining respect or trust - 4/25/2007 4:41:19 PM

WillowRain

Posts: 191
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline

Hrm, I have a differnt take on it than smilezz. I'll use an ancient example from a long ago relationship. Something happened that really REALLY hurt me. They apologized. For about two years, every once in a while, thoughts about it would come up for me and I would go to him and tell him how I was feeling. He would apologize, and offer comfort. It got less and less until I basically would say. "That really hurt me" He would lean over, kiss my forhead and say, "I know, and I"m sorry." Eventually, I didn't care about that thing anymore. All hurt feelings, any resentments were totally gone. I found it impossibly hot and manly that I could go to him, repeatedly, because what had happened made me feel scared and insecure, and he would reasure me and comfort me. He pulled every little sting out of that nettle. What happened could have totally ended our relationship. Because he was patient, because he never hedged, never argued, he claimed what happened, his choices and the fact that it really hurt me, it reaffirmed for me that I could trust him. I had solid faith that even is something went really badly wrong that he would stand up and help me make everything okay in the end.

I find it very manly, and found it very reasuring. I'm sure it anoyed the snott out of him that it would bubble up in me as fear and anxiety, but every time it did, he'd wipe those emotions clean. Lovely person, his aproach and attitude turned a potential deal breaker into a non issue..

(in reply to smilezz)

Post #: 41

RE: regaining respect or trust - 4/25/2007 5:36:53 PM

MagiksSlave

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

Im confused as to why if you would dump him in a vanilla relationship why beeing in a D/s one makes it all ok.. i think if it isnt something you exept from a vanilla partner it isnt something you exept period and if you would dump him if this werent D/s then i think personally I would dumps him period... You dont have to take things you wouldnt normally take if you dont want to. If the relationship isnt working for you then get out now befor it gets worse.

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to MellowSir)

Post #: 42

RE: regaining respect or trust - 4/25/2007 7:43:43 PM

thornhappy

Posts: 8596
Joined: 12/16/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MellowSir

It's a simple explanation, women prefer jerks, that's why you see so many with just that....

(flying the bulls**t flag)

*ahem* i beg to differ. no jerks for me.

thornhappy

(in reply to MellowSir)

Post #: 43

RE: regaining respect or trust - 4/25/2007 8:51:39 PM

TigressFL

Posts: 239
Joined: 6/8/2006
Status: offline

Did you talk to him about it, get an apology and then bring it up again after he already addressed the situation with you? If so, I can then see why he stated, "get over it". People make mistakes (even dominants <gasp>) so if he apologized to you then later you brought it up again, after he thought it had been resolved, I can see how that would be frustrating for him because what is he to say now if his apology did not work? lol Should he keep apologizing every time you bring it up until you finally accept his apology? When has he paid enough for his mistake? If you do something wrong does he punish you over and over again for the same incident or are you punished and then it is over?

Above is simply questions and thoughts. I have no idea if you are rehashing the issue after his apology or not.

In regards to getting back your trust in him it will take time, however, I suggest that you not dwell on what has happened if you intend on staying with him. You certainly cannot "forget" but you can stop thinking and dwelling on it and simply give him the "opportunity" to gain your trust back again without holding it over his head or in the front of your mind all the time as that will do nothing but set you and him up for failure. In the end it is up to you to decide if this is something you can get over or not.

Good Luck!

Tigress~FL

(in reply to angeleyez1983)

Post #: 44

RE: regaining respect or trust - 4/26/2007 8:42:08 AM

amiciaN

Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline

    angeleyez, maybe my story will help you.

    Less than a month after I was collared (the first and only collar that I have worn), I seriously betrayed my Master's trust. It happened due to inexperience and not understanding, but it was a huge betrayal nonetheless and I almost lost His collar because of it. Fortunately, my Master saw enough potential in our relationship to forgive me and let His collar remain on me, but it took almost a month before that was certain.

    So what did we do? We talked, even when it hurt and neither of us 'wanted' to discuss things. The primary rule in our relationship is honesty, on both sides of the kneel. I had also had to accept that I had nearly destroyed His trust in me, which was difficult. I made my mistake in large part due to ignorance, inexperience and misunderstanding, and my first impulse was to cry, "But I didn't understand!" and expect 'forgiveness'. It isn't that simple. My ignorance had no bearing on His being hurt by my actions. Yes, that ignorance is ultimately what kept His collar around my neck, but it did NOT excuse or heal the damage my actions caused. I had to accept that His trust was damaged and I also had to accept that I had a lot of work to do to regain it.

     He forgave me for my mistake and kept me, but forgiveness is not the same as healing; it is only the first step. The others took time and work from both of us.   I had to be very patient and quietly accept His lack of trust at times. I had to be very careful of my behavior. I had to face how deeply I had hurt Him. I had to watch that pain in His eyes. I had to accept that is was NOT something He could simply 'get over'. I had to wait for Him to heal and rebuild His trust. There were doubts created in His mind that sometimes still rear their ugly heads, a year and a half later. They may never completely go away and I have had to accept that and deal with it when it comes up. Thankfully, it is happening less and less. He is now able to honestly say that He does trust me again but I had to work regain it and not be angry when it wasn't there. I had screwed up royally and I have had to learn to accept responsibility for what I did and live with the consequences of it. I had to learn that being sorry didn't 'fix' a damned thing. Fortunately, my behavior since then as been trustworthy and He has mostly healed from the hurt I inflicted on Him. The trust is there again and I have vowed to Him and to myself to never betray His trust again, as He has never betrayed mine, even when the hurt was new, deep and raw.

    Ironically, we both realize now that as horrible as that incident was, it ultimately brought us closer together. We still discuss it and all the issues it raised, though now we can talk about it without it being particularly painful. I still feel a stab of guilt for my actions and I think that I should feel that. I will never forget the look in His eyes when He learned what I had done. I betrayed His trust and that is a horrible thing that I never want to do again. My Master has given me the chance to prove I won't. (Merci, mon Maître!!) I have vowed to prove His renewed trust is not misplaced.

    angeleyez, you are the only one who can determine if there is enough potential in your relationship to invest the time and energy it will take to work through this issue. It will be work. But if this relationship is right for both you, it can be done if you both want it badly enough. I know this post was long (and not easy to write or post), but I hope it shows that trust can be rebuilt. May you make the decision that is best for you and brings you peace.

_____________________________

NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

(in reply to TigressFL)

Post #: 45

RE: regaining respect or trust - 4/26/2007 11:47:25 AM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WillowRain
I found it impossibly hot and manly that I could go to him, repeatedly, because what had happened made me feel scared and insecure, and he would reasure me and comfort me. He pulled every little sting out of that nettle. What happened could have totally ended our relationship. Because he was patient, because he never hedged, never argued, he claimed what happened, his choices and the fact that it really hurt me, it reaffirmed for me that I could trust him. I had solid faith that even is something went really badly wrong that he would stand up and help me make everything okay in the end.

Amen, WillowRain! "Impossibly hot and manly" and he "pulled every little sting out of that nettle" - beautifully said and i could not agree more.........slave luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to WillowRain)

Post #: 46

RE: regaining respect or trust - 4/26/2007 6:57:46 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

Master says "Get over it" to me. But being the feminine entity I am, I think I ahve to talk and talk and talk to make something all ok again....but you know something? Most of the times he is right, all the talking in the world just has you swimming around in all that murk a lot of the time, and jumping outa the river and drying off and getting on with things as quickly as possible really is the way to go a lot of the times.

I think men operate differently than women, maybe they are from different planets or something.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 47

RE: regaining respect or trust - 4/26/2007 7:03:27 PM

Griswold

Posts: 2739
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

uh, yeah, you got fucked and hes a dick and it is all about your headspace, kick him to the curb. Give your gift of submission to someone that can appreciate it and never fucks up. I mean it was a chasm, it was large.

Teddy Roosevelt

(Well, I think it's fairly clear to all you've put on for the sensitivity award this week).

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 48

RE: regaining respect or trust - 4/27/2007 5:53:58 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: angeleyez1983

i dont believe in anyone being right or wrong, or that certain posts are better than others...i asked for thoughts reguarding this matter as i would like to gain perspective. which i have, and i would like to thank you all for that, even the "harsh" / negative thoughts are welcomed. in the end it is my final choice, and no one can tell me what to do, but it is important to hear from "outsiders" who are not involved closely to me, or Him, to be able to get an overall view to make this choice.

I don't know if you're aware of this or not, but, men and women see things differently

Men HATE sharing feelings...theirs, yours, who ever's feeling. He has admitted he made a mistake and apologized. In his mind, the matter is resolved and he's moving on, which, if you want your relationship to succeed, you need to do, too.

Haven't you ever spoken out in anger or frustration and said something you regretted saying? We get subs in here all the time crying about having been feeling moody one day, or feeling out of sorts, or like a brat, and said something to Master that she now regretted oh so much, and is there any way she can ever gain his trust again???

Just because he's "Master" doesn't mean he's perfect. BDSM land isn't a perfect place where the subs are always cherished and "protected" and no one ever gets their feelings hurt. He's still human, as are you. And if this is the worst obstacle that ever comes between you, well, you are a lucky woman.

Sure, maybe he could be a little more mooshy-mooshy and cuddly and admit he was SOOOOO wrong to do that to you another 12 or 13 times. Maybe "get over it" isn't the most warm and fuzzy way to bond with you, but it's the real world. Get over yourself, and accept him for being a human being who will make mistakes, just as you are.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to angeleyez1983)

Post #: 49

RE: regaining respect or trust - 4/27/2007 5:59:05 AM

NakedGirlScout

Posts: 370
Joined: 1/10/2006
From: Toronto
Status: offline

Hi angeleyez,
I'm probably very hard-core on this, but I believe very strongly that a dominant has to take responsibility for dealing with any emotional fallout, whether he has caused it or not, and whether or not it makes any sense or you're right or wrong to be feeling that way. I find his words "deal with it" to be uncaring and defensive instead of nurturing and supportive. I couldn't see my way to having any kind of relationship with someone who took that stance, even if I was completely in the wrong in the first place. "I don't care enough when you're hurting to do anything about it" borders on spiritual abuse, IMO.

(in reply to angeleyez1983)

Post #: 50

RE: regaining respect or trust - 4/27/2007 7:17:09 AM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali
Master says "Get over it" to me. But being the feminine entity I am, I think I ahve to talk and talk and talk to make something all ok again....but you know something? Most of the times he is right, all the talking in the world just has you swimming around in all that murk a lot of the time, and jumping outa the river and drying off and getting on with things as quickly as possible really is the way to go a lot of the times.
For YOU. That's certainly not the case for everyone. i hate drama and i truly am the type of person who feels something should be sincerely and quickly dealt with. i don't swim around in the murk (good way of putting that) at all. But i can think of a couple times when just getting an apology and quickly moving on was just not enough. The hurt was too deep and if i just pretended it wasn't and pasted a smile on and moved forward, i know without a doubt that it would have come back later with disasterous consequences.

For me, it also has a lot to do with what caused the issue in the beginning. Something rather minor certainly needs to be handled differently than a major "violation," too. Also, for me, it would have to do with HOW it's said. Oddly enough, if pretty much the same sentiments could be conveyed in what i perceive as a "nicer way" than "get over it," i think that would make a difference too.

It's funny because when i think about it, i pretty much always do just "get over it" without ever having to be told to. But, the thought of being told to and in that manner, (especially if it was something very major and hurtful to me), just really offends me....go figure....

I think men operate differently than women, maybe they are from different planets or something.

Yeah, that is one theory...........blessings.......luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 51

RE: regaining respect or trust - 4/28/2007 6:21:51 AM

WhiplashSmile

Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline

My question is this? He emotionally hurt you with harsh words which he admitted to being out of line about. Right now, you are not trusting that the situation won't repeat itself yes/no? I think some people feel that you are not forgiving him, while you are worried about it happening again. In fact you suspect it will happen again, because he was short with you in talking about it. Where you suspect he's avoiding getting down and dirty in the real issues with you. Am I right or wrong here?

(in reply to angeleyez1983)

Post #: 52

RE: regaining respect or trust - 4/28/2007 6:41:51 AM

sweetlady41only

Posts: 8
Joined: 12/3/2006
Status: offline

So many good points of view here. Only the person IN the relationship knows what's really happening here. i would only add that for some newcomers, just getting started in training, when pushed by something physical/mental or emotional, we run first and regret that later. It's our ego fighting our inner sub/slave. It's an inner battle that we sometimes take without by finding reasons to run.

For that reason, if it were me, i would try to give him the benefit of the doubt and see whether this interaction was an aberration or the harbinger of things to come. If the latter and it's not something you can see yourself living with...i encourage you to leave. People don't really change their ways of viewing others or interacting easily. I've never seen it, in fact.

i understand that when you are starting out, a sub/slave can be so thrilled with the prospect of finding someone D/s works with that they might dive in and find out later this person isn't right for them. It happens. Realize you are still in the "getting to know you" period and take it one day/event at a time.

Blessings!
sweet lady

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 53

RE: regaining respect or trust - 4/28/2007 10:20:17 AM

Stranger1

Posts: 219
Joined: 4/13/2007
Status: offline

Ever think he may have been having a bad day-and perhaps you were making mountains out of molehills?

(in reply to angeleyez1983)

Post #: 54

RE: regaining respect or trust - 4/28/2007 11:30:17 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

Personally, it all takes patience. You may never get back *what you had* but it may very well be that you get back more... by simply being patient. You seem to be experiencing the very real issue of what they DO being more important than what is SAID... so, you have to wait...if you want to.

In addition, wounds such as this have the tendency to fester if you keep picking at it. I'm not saying shove it under the cover, but discussing it here, where no one can actually SOLVE anything for you, all you do is pick at it.

If this continues to need to be talked out with your master, then by all means rescind with him the idea that this can't be talked about anymore and deal with it with him.

Things ARE solveable. They really really are. It just depends on how badly you both want it to happen.

juliet

(in reply to Stranger1)

Post #: 55

RE: regaining respect or trust - 4/28/2007 3:24:33 PM

angeleyez1983

Posts: 13
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline

thank you everyone for your thoughts, and advice, i have put this matter to rest long ago, but its still interesting to read other thoughts on the subject.

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 56

RE: regaining respect or trust - 4/28/2007 3:42:26 PM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

I'm curious...if you put this to rest long ago...why did you post it here - other than, perhaps to demean this person you call Master. I mean...if you've indeed put it to rest...what were you trying to accomplish?

juliet

(in reply to angeleyez1983)

Post #: 57

RE: regaining respect or trust - 4/28/2007 6:25:07 PM

angeleyez1983

Posts: 13
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline

as this issue happened on Sunday/ Monday, by Thursday, the matter was resolved and put to rest.

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 58

RE: regaining respect or trust - 5/7/2007 6:39:30 AM

slavemaia

Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline

Before i looked at your profile i sensed you're quite young. Voila - ah youth, a time when everything is still fresh, even wounds. As one ages we learn to "get over it" or stay stuck forever in the murk of all the hurt and wounds people and life dish out. It's an opportunity for you to learn more about yourself and who you choose to be. Yes, you have the option of sitting in the corner, licking your wounds so-to-speak, and expecting and demanding that he make repeated amends or ask yourself why what he said or did hurt you so much. For every action there is a re-action. As human beings we can oftentimes choose our re-action. Perhaps that's all the free will we truly have.

_____________________________

She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

(in reply to angeleyez1983)

Post #: 59

RE: regaining respect or trust - 5/7/2007 6:40:52 AM

slavemaia

Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: angeleyez1983

thank you everyone for your thoughts, and advice, i have put this matter to rest long ago, but its still interesting to read other thoughts on the subject.

OY - no wonder he told you to get over it. geeesh

< Message edited by slavemaia -- 5/7/2007 6:41:14 AM >

_____________________________

She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

(in reply to angeleyez1983)

Post #: 60

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