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I am so sick of this crap...are you? - 4/24/2007 12:59:55 PM

ErusUxor

Posts: 44
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline

Thats it! I am absolutely sick to death of all the catty, snarky undertones in conversations I have had with people who knew my Master and his past relationships before I was with him.

He was never in any serious relationships in the lifestyle before me...anything he had was brief, transitory and obviously not fulfilling enough to continue. Why then is it that so many people that I run into feel its necessary to insert a tidbit about the past into a conversation, like I don't already know? I know everything about his past dalliances (before me) and he is (self admittedly) regretful that he found himself falling into the expected “norm” of what readily presented itself when he was new to the lifestyle. He did not expect to find anything with meaning behind it, and also now feels that he probably didn’t even really know what something truly meaningful could be (his words, not mine) ...and then we found each other ..and bam! a whole new outlook...

I am tired of having people rub my nose in things (for whatever reasons they are doing it) and he is tired of having to revisit past mistakes. We all make them… We (now both of our words) have found something in each other that makes our D/s interaction a truly wonderful thing, two people who can integrate this “lifestyle” we all here subscribe to into a monogamous, married, one-on-one, raising children, happy 24/7 life together. For some reason, that seems to be like painting a target on our chests for some who feel they have to take shots at us (or our happiness) using long past (even before we met) things as ammunition. We are an “us”, committed and are both sick of having “old news” being cattily (and “catty” is not intended as a gender specific adjective here) tossed out for no other reason that to attempt to cause us distress. Can’t those who haven’t yet found what we have managed to create just leave us the hell alone….
I want to know, how many of you (submissives especially) are dealing with this playground level crap? If so how do you deal with it? This has gotten both he and I to the point where we are ready to drop out of the public arena altogether...which would probably also spell the demise of one of the few groups left in our area that supports this lifestyle (as we are the primary organizers). Down with the ship…so to speak.

_____________________________

When they said "penny for your thoughts" ...I had to try and figure out how to make change.

Post #: 1

RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? - 4/24/2007 1:04:02 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

Why are you letting it bother you so? I would simply respond to them "I am well aware of his past and I am not at all interested in discussing it, that was then...this is now".

Period. Conversation over.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to ErusUxor)

Post #: 2

RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? - 4/24/2007 1:06:51 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Kill them with kindness dear :) Eventually they will find a new shiny thing to play with. The more you protest and show it irritates, the more enticing you become.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 3

RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? - 4/24/2007 1:16:34 PM

HutchGarahl

Posts: 562
Joined: 1/10/2007
Status: offline

Could be they are jealous in what they see between you and are trying to sabatoge your relationship in hopes of regain him to themselves. But as mistoferin stated, don't let it get to ya. Follow LA's advice and kill them with kindness. It's kind of like throwing back at them what they're giving you, only in reverse. They'll give up eventually.

(in reply to ErusUxor)

Post #: 4

RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? - 4/24/2007 1:17:48 PM

ErusUxor

Posts: 44
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline

Thats just it....I am and always have been incredibly kind, never riled, smooth feathered, and have mentioned that the past...is just that.... I do not let these people see me get upset over the intended jabs...I wonder now if I should let them see that their insensitivity and drama mongering makes me angry and makes my Master feel terrible for people reminding him of a past he would rather forget.

I think it may have something to do with being a "figurehead" in our local community.
I have brushed it off for years now...and both of us are growing weary of it...it is irksome and tiring to host people for local community events (frequently in our own home) and have them repay that kindness with this.....

_____________________________

When they said "penny for your thoughts" ...I had to try and figure out how to make change.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 5

RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? - 4/24/2007 1:21:06 PM

HutchGarahl

Posts: 562
Joined: 1/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ErusUxor

Thats just it....I am and always have been incredibly kind, never riled, smooth feathered, and have mentioned that the past...is just that.... I do not let these people see me get upset over the intended jabs...I wonder now if I should let them see that their insensitivity and drama mongering makes me angry and makes my Master feel terrible for people reminding him of a past he would rather forget.

I think it may have something to do with being a "figurehead" in our local community.
I have brushed it off for years now...and both of us are growing weary of it...it is irksome and tiring to host people for local community events (frequently in our own home) and have them repay that kindness with this.....

Then maybe when you host something at home, these certain people should not be allowed in.

(in reply to ErusUxor)

Post #: 6

RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? - 4/24/2007 1:22:53 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ErusUxor
I think it may have something to do with being a "figurehead" in our local community.
I have brushed it off for years now...and both of us are growing weary of it...it is irksome and tiring to host people for local community events (frequently in our own home) and have them repay that kindness with this.....

Well it's not like he didn't earn his reputation- he just didn't earn the heckling you're getting from it.

You should feel free to pleasantly change the subject (asking if they want to volunteer for X position at the next party is always a good one), laugh at his past "OMG wasn't he just a crazy middle age crisis on steroids?? I'm so glad I came after that!"), or just blatantly smile and go "Yes, we know" and move on.

It's not ok to retaliate and it will be futile to let them know their behavior angers you. If these were close friends or family, I'd have a different answer- simply social birds, not worth the trouble and you still wouldn't get the result you want.

Stick around the scene long enough and we all have people we love and people we can't stand. You move on.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ErusUxor)

Post #: 7

RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? - 4/24/2007 1:42:48 PM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline

greetings erusuxor,

it may be better for you to drop out of the public arena, if you can't just let this roll off your back. if you two are secure in your relationship and are over the past, why are you letting this bother you? people are throwing it up in your face...so what? YOU know what is important, and that's all that matters. if their behavior is getting to you to the point that you simply cannot stand to be around them, don't. if the group is meant to continue, it will find another leader.

good luck.

annabelle.

_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to ErusUxor)

Post #: 8

RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? - 4/24/2007 1:52:47 PM

newlytaken07

Posts: 19
Joined: 4/20/2007
Status: offline

Hi. Yes i have been through similar petty rubbish. Sir played around a lot before he met me. He has not previously settled into a 24/7 monog relationship, and you're right, it is a beautiful thing!

My advice? However difficult it is (and it can be really difficult) - never react. Ever. It will eventually go away.

I held my head high and acknowledged not one comment, one undertone. Pretended to misunderstand if possible, and if not just moved on as smoothly as possible. I sometimes blatantly ignored them. Remembered how lucky i/we were/are and let that be my strength.

Sir chose to respond to a few petty comments, primarily from ex play pals of his. I know he was just trying to protect me/us, but anytime he responded it fueled the fire and started all over again.

I know it's really hard. I felt like screaming at some people sometimes. Best of luck.

(in reply to ErusUxor)

Post #: 9

RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? - 4/24/2007 2:05:40 PM

rollinonward05

Posts: 78
Joined: 9/11/2005
Status: offline

Don't allow these fools to win. You know what you have is good and makes you happy. He knows what you two have is good and he is happy. So why allow others to dictate what you two choose to do.
Most times when i see people acting in the way you describe it is because of their own unhappiness and insecurities in the relationships they have ( or they don't have one at all.). These kinds of people have to build themselves up by trying to knock others down or ruin other peoples relationships.
Ignore them and get on with your own happiness. And always remember what goes around comes around and these people will get just what they deserve someday
Stay happy :)
be well
rollin

(in reply to ErusUxor)

Post #: 10

RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? - 4/24/2007 2:28:41 PM

WhiplashSmile

Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline

I'm going to get up on my soap box here now.   Mistakes Hell we all have made them at some point in time. There's no shame in having sold out to a stereotype image either when one is new to the scene. At times we have to keep on our toes about what it is we ourselves want and not some prescribed school of thought.

There are thing I will not compromise upon for any stereotype image period. I always have to respect anybody Dom, or sub that knows what the Hell they want out of life, and goes for it.   There are a lot of general labels in BDSM and in life itself. Now I'm a bit of a rebel.. and do things that please me or do things according to what I can or can not live with.

I want to be able to look in the mirror and live with myself.   I don't need the world to approve of my choices, I don't want everybody in the world to like me. If everybody liked me and approved of me, it would actually scare the Hell out of me.

Whenever you are doing something that others feel is a little against the grain, you will have people talking about you. Even more so, about your past mistakes. Hell, we are all human. If somebody can not accept me as a human being, for my own faults and mistakes... It's their problem and not mine.

In short everybody attacking you are the ones with the problems. They have not got over what happened, they are holding onto their own hurt and anger. Hell, they may simply be trying to return the favor of hurt and pain. People can be very vindictive creatures at times.

You guys just need to take the "Fuck 'em if they can't take it" mindset.   Damn the torpedos Full speed ahead.. because these people are trying to sink ya!

(in reply to ErusUxor)

Post #: 11

RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? - 4/24/2007 2:44:43 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

As someone in the same community as the OP, I understand BOTH sides of this. You two left some wreckage behind and on some level want to downplay it. The truth hurts but it is liberating.

Just remember, you two combined have left less wreckage and fewer broken hearts than I have. Hell I can think of certain months in my life where I did more damage than your combined total.

Stop trying to defend it, stop being defensive and move on. You two have clearly grown and are different people today than you were years ago. I am the dominant I am today because of the mistakes I have made. I am deeply proud to call both of you friends and think so highly of you that of my precious three and half days with my woman that I am going to share an evening with the two of you. Primarily because I want her to see how beautiful two people can become together.

Welcome to the boards!

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 12

RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? - 4/24/2007 3:05:24 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

I want to know, how many of you (submissives especially) are dealing with this playground level crap? If so how do you deal with it?

I have been forewarned that I may have to deal with such behavior from a certain person in my Daddy's past that will just not go away. How will I deal with it? It has nothing to do with me. His past is his and his alone. I am interested in it if he feels he wants to talk about it, but it just has no bearing on "us". I do not think such things would bother me. People talk smack, just let them be who they are, and you be who you are. It emboldens that sort of juvenile behavior to allow the person dishing it out to know in even the slightest way they have troubled you.

quote:

This has gotten both he and I to the point where we are ready to drop out of the public arena altogether...which would probably also spell the demise of one of the few groups left in our area that supports this lifestyle (as we are the primary organizers). Down with the ship…so to speak.

I can only say that you are giving these people too much power over you and your emotions. I know what my Daddy would say to me if I were in your shoes... who controls you ErusUxor, your dom or everyone else that probably would not be worth pissing on if they were on fire

I would recommend holding your head high and living life... the best revenge is truly being happy.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 4/24/2007 3:06:32 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to ErusUxor)

Post #: 13

RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? - 4/24/2007 3:05:35 PM

spankmepink11

Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline

What a nice post Michael....

I also agree with most of the other posters....don't fall into their trap or stoop to that level. It will drive them crazy to know that they cannot detract from your obvious joy and happiness.

Good Luck

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 14

RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? - 4/24/2007 3:18:56 PM

ErusUxor

Posts: 44
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline

“Well it's not like he didn't earn his reputation- he just didn't earn the heckling you're getting from it.”

From him: Yes,,,, I did “earn reputation”. Years ago, new into the lifestyle, exploring, meeting people, falling into the “expected behavior” trap,,, then a longer situation with someone who was just,,, long term,,, not THE right one, ended long ago. So now, 3 years monogamous, long collared, committed, faithful lifestyle partners,,, along with over a year married, raising kids, monogamous, faithful life’s partners all rolled into one complete existence. Still,, someone/s pops up who’s been inactive for a while, observes that long term happiness, and just has to make pointed, churlish, sideways contemptible, sneakily hurtful references to now ancient history. To what end, why, to make themselves and/or their own choices seem OK?? To try and drag us down to their level?? Or just to get a kick out of causing a little unnecessary hurt….

_____________________________

When they said "penny for your thoughts" ...I had to try and figure out how to make change.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 15

RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? - 4/24/2007 3:23:04 PM

Casie

Posts: 450
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline

Tell,, them to shove it. It's none of anyones business.

(in reply to ErusUxor)

Post #: 16

RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? - 4/24/2007 3:25:24 PM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

I'm with you. F**K 'em. If it were me, I wouldn't worry about it. Sounds to me like somebody's jealous.

(in reply to Casie)

Post #: 17

RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? - 4/24/2007 3:43:58 PM

servilecat

Posts: 126
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rollinonward05

Don't allow these fools to win. You know what you have is good and makes you happy. He knows what you two have is good and he is happy. So why allow others to dictate what you two choose to do.
Most times when i see people acting in the way you describe it is because of their own unhappiness and insecurities in the relationships they have ( or they don't have one at all.). These kinds of people have to build themselves up by trying to knock others down or ruin other peoples relationships.
Ignore them and get on with your own happiness. And always remember what goes around comes around and these people will get just what they deserve someday
Stay happy :)
be well
rollin

i forget the psychological term for this ....sadly there are so very many people that do this and i see it and usually feel sorry for them.

We joke that my Daddy was a ho before He met me. His 19 yr old son, bless his heart, tried to do this to me a few times. i'm sure it was because he felt he was losing some part of his Dad when he saw we were so happy. He would tell me about His ex girlfriends but at least he would add that i was the best one ever. i decided i prefer to catch them in the act with a nice "Thank you for 'feeling the need' to share that information with me"..or ..."i'm not sure why you felt the need to share that information with me but alright" and just smile and laugh so they know that they are the one with the problem and not you....i would think just that and an eye roll would smack them into realizing they are that kind of person.

Best of Luck and you two look adorable
servilecat

(in reply to rollinonward05)

Post #: 18

RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? - 4/24/2007 3:55:49 PM

ErusUxor

Posts: 44
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline

From Her:

Thanks all for your replies...some helpful...some not so much....

This is an ongoing saga for some I see , I empathize with the difficulty it can and does cause for myself and others. It will not effect my relationship with Master reguardless, I won't let any of it. I have been given the choice to take a "hiatus" from the scene to get a break from this type of thing and to focus on strengthening an already strong relationship even more. Perhaps this is my simplest and most productive option in dealing (or rather, not dealing) with this type of Frequent behavior from others. I do hope that if they strike out in unhappiness, that they find whatever they need to fill the hole in their lives. I am happy....and happiness loves company....screw the other version of that saying.

SimplyMichael.... As to leaving wreakage...not so much as one might think... or at least not from the angle you have been given to view....

Thanks again to all.....

_____________________________

When they said "penny for your thoughts" ...I had to try and figure out how to make change.

(in reply to ErusUxor)

Post #: 19

RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? - 4/24/2007 3:56:52 PM

Griswold

Posts: 2739
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ErusUxor

Thats it! I am absolutely sick to death of all the catty, snarky undertones in conversations I have had with people who knew my Master and his past relationships before I was with him.

He was never in any serious relationships in the lifestyle before me...anything he had was brief, transitory and obviously not fulfilling enough to continue. Why then is it that so many people that I run into feel its necessary to insert a tidbit about the past into a conversation, like I don't already know? I know everything about his past dalliances (before me) and he is (self admittedly) regretful that he found himself falling into the expected “norm” of what readily presented itself when he was new to the lifestyle. He did not expect to find anything with meaning behind it, and also now feels that he probably didn’t even really know what something truly meaningful could be (his words, not mine) ...and then we found each other ..and bam! a whole new outlook...

I am tired of having people rub my nose in things (for whatever reasons they are doing it) and he is tired of having to revisit past mistakes. We all make them… We (now both of our words) have found something in each other that makes our D/s interaction a truly wonderful thing, two people who can integrate this “lifestyle” we all here subscribe to into a monogamous, married, one-on-one, raising children, happy 24/7 life together. For some reason, that seems to be like painting a target on our chests for some who feel they have to take shots at us (or our happiness) using long past (even before we met) things as ammunition. We are an “us”, committed and are both sick of having “old news” being cattily (and “catty” is not intended as a gender specific adjective here) tossed out for no other reason that to attempt to cause us distress. Can’t those who haven’t yet found what we have managed to create just leave us the hell alone….
I want to know, how many of you (submissives especially) are dealing with this playground level crap? If so how do you deal with it? This has gotten both he and I to the point where we are ready to drop out of the public arena altogether...which would probably also spell the demise of one of the few groups left in our area that supports this lifestyle (as we are the primary organizers). Down with the ship…so to speak.

I can't exactly say I like it, however, it does give me vim and vigor (and for almost 4 years all I had was vim...of course that was when my station wagon gave out...).

(in reply to ErusUxor)

Post #: 20

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