RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? (Full Version)

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SimplyMichael -> RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? (4/25/2007 8:35:00 AM)

If we were all judged on our pasts, I should be in BDSM jail.  If we had to worry about all the wrong things we have done in our lives, I used to go potty in my pants.  I don't do that anymore either.  We grow, we mature, and those who can't see that haven't.



sunfleur -> RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? (4/25/2007 8:42:07 AM)

it's amazing how fast you can burst someone else's mean-spririted balloon by laughing at them and telling them how cute they are, or even better, ignoring them.

sun




ErusUxor -> RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? (4/25/2007 8:45:23 AM)

Thank you SimplyMichael...

for the post and the phone.


We appreciate the reaching out, tis more than many would do



BBBTBW -> RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? (4/25/2007 10:46:12 AM)

I am not from the school of quietly ignore.  I am from the school of run towards your roar.  I would ask them point blank, "why do you feel it necessary to bring up the past? How is it any or your business?  Do you think others don't already know of the mistakes I made? "  If they are in your home tell them,  "I have opened my home to you and everyone else here to be able to be who they are without ostrazation, if you feel the need to ostrasize, I am asking you to leave"  If they don't like it, TOO DAMN BAD, it is your home and your party and you have the right not to have anyone there that doesn't respect you.  There is no need for you to revisit your past simply because someone else cannot move on.



julietsierra -> RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? (4/25/2007 10:47:04 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra
And if they keep on, then get very serious and politely say "you might want to consider what you say about my Master if we're really friends." And mean it.

I personally wouldn't take kindly to that line- but again if youdon't care about losing a 'friend' like that it wouldn't matter.

Not that I'm rude to my friends, but when I become close to someone, it's with the common understanding that I will be honest.  Not the brutal without fear sort of honesty, but honesty nonetheless.  If I have a problem with a master, I'll say so. 



I guess I subscribe more to the idea that I'm a fully grown adult who is making adult choices that have absolutely nothing to do with those people who are my friends. I presume (perhaps wrongly) that my choice of masters has absolutely nothing to do with their choices and as a friend, my job is to be supportive of them(and vice versa), even if I - or they -  have doubts about who they're/I'm  involved with.

I find that being brutally honest about something that is none of anyone's business other than the people involved in the relationship is pretty damn intrusive and largely unwelcome. I can say unequivocally that if slave gertrude (making up a name here to make a point) has issues about my choice of masters, then slave gertrude shouldn't date him, shouldn't play with him and should NEVER accept a collar from him. But I am not slave gertrude and my choices don't have to have any input from slave gertrude. I don't know about old gertie, but I surely do not make, keep or end relationships on a concensus basis and never will. I don't particularily care about brutal honesty when someone uses that as an excuse to trash my Master. And if gertie does do that, then gertie can find another friend, because I don't apologize for my friends or make excuses for my Master, so they can either keep their mouths shut or decide if THEY want my friendship. Not the other way around.

You trash my Master, we're already not friends. It's that simple. No matter how close we were before that happened. So, whether or not someone else would have a problem with my admonishment to think before saying something about my Master is entirely moot.

By the way... my parents were given the same instructions. As were my siblings, my friends and everyone else who is important to me. I made darn sure we nipped the sideways comments and backbiting in the bud before we even got started. They can always do what they wish, but if they do and I discover it, their comments will bear a cost that I have no problems helping them incur.

Fortunately, my parents have operated their marriage of nearly 50 years by the same rules. They understood, even though at first it was tough hearing their own rules being touted to them.

And frankly, the whole idea that someone outside of the relationship has so much invested in the relationship that they can't refrain from opining about it is amazing to me.

I have friends whose relationships I may or may not have issues with. Those are their relationships. I am their friend. I will be there to celebrate when wonderful things happen and I will be there to hold their hands and offer a hug if they don't, but I'll never interfere in their right to institute and maintain a relationship with the person they choose - even if it's not the person I'd choose.

Afterall, it's their relationship, not my brutal honesty that's the issue here.

juliet



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? (4/25/2007 11:01:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra
I guess I subscribe more to the idea that I'm a fully grown adult who is making adult choices that have absolutely nothing to do with those people who are my friends. I presume (perhaps wrongly) that my choice of masters has absolutely nothing to do with their choices and as a friend, my job is to be supportive of them(and vice versa), even if I - or they -  have doubts about who they're/I'm  involved with.

I guess for me I know I can tell my friends "I think that sucks" while knowing that I will still support them doing it.  I don't need to like or agree with their choices in order to support them doing what works for them.

And this is what I expect of my friends also- they don't need to like or agree with my being an active slut, they just have to respect me and my choice to do it.  I'd much prefer they tell me rather than pretend.
quote:


I find that being brutally honest about something that is none of anyone's business other than the people involved in the relationship is pretty damn intrusive and largely unwelcome.

I agree- you introduced the word friend.  I treat friends very differerently than I treat anyone else and there's a completely different set of expectations with friends versus acquaintances.

I also have very few friends.

quote:

 And if gertie does do that, then gertie can find another friend, because I don't apologize for my friends or make excuses for my Master, so they can either keep their mouths shut or decide if THEY want my friendship. Not the other way around.

See if a person doesn't want my opinion and can't separate the concept of agreement with liking, they aren't a good friend IMO.  I don't base friends on liking me or hushing up (until I specifically tell them I don't want to talk about it anymore), I base it on compatibility and respect.

But then I respect when a friend tries to share their perspectives with me- even if I might not like it.  A person who doesn't want to hear anything negative isn't someone interested in growing.  I choose my friends very carefully over time, and if my FRIENDS can't tell me the bad shit they see, who will?



julietsierra -> RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? (4/25/2007 11:15:11 AM)

Nod. I can understand your perspective. I simply take the perspective that my Master and I are one unit. I do not brook anyone's intrusion into it - even based on the guise of friendship.

Everyone bases their ideas on thoughts, experiences, etc they've had before in their lives and hopefully have taken the time to think through. I'm no different. Back when I was married, I can't tell you the number of times people wanted to tell me what my husband "should" do for me. I can say that I took to heart those comments and it caused no end of trouble in my marriage. Some of it was correct. Some of it wasn't.

When I divorced and sorted through to figure out what he did wrong (lots) and what I did wrong (initially I thought "it's all HIS fault," but I did lots too), I realized that what I was doing was creating a situation in which he was forced to try to live up to everyone else's expectations of what our marriage should be. That is an impossible task for anyone. When people told me he was no good, I found myself trying to make him more "acceptable" to them in order to hold onto my friendship.

When I realized this, I came to understand that I'm not living THEIR lives and they're not living mine. I'll make mistakes. I'll do things right. But if I'm ever going to develop a good relationship with someone, I need to remember that my relationsbip is with that person, not that person and all of my friends and family. Each of those other groups of people have a place, but no one is going to sit in judgment of my relationship. By the same token, he can not sit in judgment of them either, and I looked for someone who understood and agreed with me about this. Their "honesty" with regard to who I love and honor and respect as my Master is not something I am concerned with. It's very simply, not their business.

As a friend, they can be there with hugs if it doesn't work out - as I would be for them. But they have no place in "warning" me or whatever it is they think they're doing. And while it's nice to presume that I should be able to hear bad things from my friends on the basis of "if they can't tell me, who can?" in my world - right or wrong - they've overstepped the boundaries of friendship.

And frankly, as my friend, I would hope they would understand - even if they didn't agree - with my perception regarding ME and abide by it. If they can't, well then, that's not much of a friend to me.

juliet



Nogimmicks -> RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? (4/25/2007 12:50:30 PM)

Speaking as a man who has made just about every stupid mistake imagineable and who has left some very fine people with shattered memories and broken promises, I have to remark on your and especially his courage in staying close to a community that knows all. It is a painful process, but trust me, it will be ultimately rewarding. There are some harms that one can inflict that it can take a lifetime to redeem, others that a simple "I am sorry" will heal. Trust me, as time passes and he remains true to himself and his word, more and more people will fall into the forgiveness column and those who cannot or will not forgive will become fewer and fewer until they will retreat into silence on the point. You are doing the right thing, stay the course.



BDOMsecret -> RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? (4/25/2007 2:48:48 PM)

I wish Y/you many happy years together.  It always warms my heart to hear of such a match.
 



slavejali -> RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? (4/25/2007 3:49:27 PM)

Fast Reply:

People are generally lacking in so many areas. Their motivations most often comes from fear, selfishness, jealousy, hatred, defensiveness, envy, ego orientated power struggles, ignorance, prejudices and a basic mind that is associated with really shitty things. You can't really expect people to be nice, loyal, kind, grateful or forgiving..most are incapable of it.
So what do we do? Well, options are, withdraw from society (which is a valid option in my opinion) or  find a place within you that understands the condition of the human being so as not to let them get to you and just go about life doing what you like to do. If you've found a life partner (which it seems you have) create and maintain your oasis together, drawing strength from each other to face the obstacles and shit life throws your way. This world and the people in it aren't going to change, history proves that..the only thing we can change is how we ourselves deal with situations and we can only do that through understanding....



Sirandlittle1 -> RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? (4/25/2007 3:50:26 PM)

Then move on. Stop wallowing in the drama of it all, ditch the fuckers and move on. Not a problem in my book.

People are either good or bad for me.
Good = stay
Bad = move on

little1



KnightofMists -> RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? (4/25/2007 9:58:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ErusUxor

I have brushed it off for years now...and both of us are growing weary of it...it is irksome and tiring to host people for local community events (frequently in our own home) and have them repay that kindness with this.....


That's one of the problems choosing to be apart of a community... you can choose to be apart of it.. but you (as an individual) can't choose who is not going apart of the community.

All you can do is choose who your friends are within that community and forget the rest.



KnightofMists -> RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? (4/25/2007 10:07:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

But then I respect when a friend tries to share their perspectives with me- even if I might not like it.  A person who doesn't want to hear anything negative isn't someone interested in growing.  I choose my friends very carefully over time, and if my FRIENDS can't tell me the bad shit they see, who will?


It's a two way street.... I agree with you... having a friend that can tell you the bad shit is a treasure of value...... but it's also equally important to be a good friend and be able to listen as well.



kyraofMists -> RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? (4/25/2007 10:11:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
I guess for me I know I can tell my friends "I think that sucks" while knowing that I will still support them doing it.  I don't need to like or agree with their choices in order to support them doing what works for them.

And this is what I expect of my friends also- they don't need to like or agree with my being an active slut, they just have to respect me and my choice to do it.  I'd much prefer they tell me rather than pretend.

<snip>

But then I respect when a friend tries to share their perspectives with me- even if I might not like it.  A person who doesn't want to hear anything negative isn't someone interested in growing.  I choose my friends very carefully over time, and if my FRIENDS can't tell me the bad shit they see, who will?


My thoughts are very much in line with this.  If I consider someone a friend then I will be honest with them about my thoughts even if I don't like their choices.  I don't consider someone a friend if all they want me to do is rubber stamp their choices and only share my positive thoughts about what they do and I would expect the same of them.

Knight's kyra 



LordOfWolves -> RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? (4/25/2007 10:41:12 PM)

Sometimes the only fuel that a fire needs, is acceptance that there is a fire. You don't always have to pour water on a fire to extinguish the flames. Sometimes just ignoring it will cause it to burn out. I know, I use wood for heat and not paying attention to it can cause it to get rather chilly in winter.

With Respect to A/all

Wolf



Indemnis -> RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? (12/10/2007 9:08:47 AM)

*Fast reply*

I guess I don't really... socialise much.  I've never really had to deal with that sort of thing before, but if I did, I would probably just ignore it to the best of my ability.  I would take solace in the love of my other, and be at peace with the clawing of others.  I would see their shots as nothing but mere jealousy in the face of a pair who are truly happy and content with each other.  It seems like that is all it is... but I could be wrong, and they could just be mean people.



Missokyst -> RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? (12/10/2007 9:36:32 AM)

If I were with the man who made me happy, I wouldn't give a rip what people said to me about him.  Oh sure I would be annoyed but I am not in control of what they think or feel.  Anyone who really mattered to me would know I will not tolerate anyone saying a bad word about someone I love.  Do those people matter to you?
Happiness is the best defense against the slings and arrows.
Kyst



angelikaJ -> RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? (12/10/2007 9:44:49 AM)

unexplained resurrection:
this thread dates back to april



camille65 -> RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? (12/10/2007 10:36:34 AM)

I have to admit that it strikes me as odd, some of the threads that get revived. I understand a basic concept thread being brought back but when it is a more personal one that is brought back as if it never stopped well I get confused lol.



LadyHugs -> RE: I am so sick of this crap...are you? (12/10/2007 12:58:14 PM)

Dear ErusUxor, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
When someone externally tries to upset you from your throne/nest/happiness/position/power base and or club/group membership-- it is because they want that spot and or what you have and they cannot have without dirty tactics, envy, jealousy and so forth but--mostly insecurity is what I find in people who have to attack others and do so towards everybody.  It is an appearance 'thing.'
 
If a person and or persons wanted to get rid of me so much--I would stay, as I would really like to see why.  If using old ammunition, its already known and the blackmail factor/power and potency is gone.  New ammunition I would worry about. 
 
Most times when a few are on the attack, its all political and or popularity motivated--nothing really other than jealousy, envy and insecurity against an established power and or reputation.  Some thrive on upsetting people.  Drama makers per se.
 
Now, if it was a person who rarely if at all spoke ill of someone--I would pay attention. 
 
It is extremely frustrating, upsetting and puts a strain on anybody--let alone relationships and friends who are related and are suffering because of association.  But, once you understand it is a bully tactic and a quest for power and control--you can thwart it by knowing what is happening and only control what is in your private world.  One cannot control others how to behave and or think--only you can control yourselves.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs
 
 
 
 



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