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Self Doubt - 4/27/2007 11:25:22 AM   
Unrepentant1


Posts: 283
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline 		I am a single sub male, who quite often wonders if he is really submissive. I see many activities that make me nervous and wonder if I could do that, then think of the things I have done that I would not a year ago.
My biggest concern I feel is trusting someone enough and that I feel is the issue to my self doubt. I am not someone who can submit to anyone, in fact I doubt I could submit to many Dommes to be honest, I seek something I do not even know what myself.
Am I being to fussy or asking the impossible? I know I would travel to the ends of the earth for that special person, but I am not sure if it is me asking too much or I am not really a sub. Any genuine advice would be welcome
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Self Doubt - 4/27/2007 12:00:51 PM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		Hi there.....

Trust in this life is as important as it is in any other relationship.  A submissive does not mean a punching bag.  A submisssive does not mean a housekeeper.  A submissive does not mean a sex toy.  A submissive is one who submits to another because he wants to give.  How he gives is very individually defined.  If your giving is in the form of chores and pampering that's wonderful.  If it is in the form of sexual things, fine *but good luck finding a real Dominant who only wants that from you*.  If you are a masochist then you can find a Sadist.

I personally have a masochistic friend who I see about once every two weeks and we enjoy a painful play time.  I have someone else who comes and cleans for me.  His pleasure comes from seeing my satisfied smile of his work well done.  I am still searching for the elusive end all be all for me...but simply because I enjoy that masochist on occassion does not mean I need my collared to be a masochist.  It is so much more. 

You really need to find what cues you into your submissive side.  You need to learn what are your TRUE limits...not just what you don't like.  As a submissive you need to see things you do as ways to please your Mistress.  This is what in turn pleases you.  Your happiness is derived from her.  And if you find a Mistress that wants you to breach your true limits then she simply is not for you.  Because a REAL Dominant will not want to see you put yourself in a position in which you feel totally compromised in your morals or ethics or values or what I call the "beyond disguisting factor".  For me, as an example, the BDF is toilet play.  That simply grosses me out.

You MUST know yourself before you can find your way in this life.  Of course that is not to say you can't evolve..Oh my, I hope you evolve...but have a good understanding to start off.

Hope this helps,

D~

(in reply to Unrepentant1)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Self Doubt - 4/27/2007 1:40:37 PM   
temptressofsouls


Posts: 208
Joined: 3/29/2005
From: Toledo, OH
Status: offline 		Most subs cant submit to just anyone, and you may find once you find someone you trust enough to submit to, that you'd try activities you'd never imagined you would-some you may like and beg for, some you may not like and beg to be excluded from.

Just relax, and have faith. You'll only know once it happens.

(in reply to earthycouple)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Self Doubt - 4/27/2007 1:46:31 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		My first comment is that you really need to know 'your' desires and/or needs so you can better choose.  Making a dominant partner into a moving target will do nothing for you or others' consideration of you.

Submission is not, at least to someone still dipping their toe in the water, an all-or-nothing proposition.  Are there circumstances where at some point in time someone will desire 'more' of you than you're willing to commit?  Possibly, but if you know this going in, you will be able to make a sound judgement whether this is right for you.

One thing you are already understanding is that you are not the same person you were months ago, and with a partner not the same person you will be months from now.  You are shaping your opinions of activities and interests, and this will probably not abate any time soon.

Enjoy the process and your own journey.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to Unrepentant1)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Self Doubt - 4/27/2007 1:52:21 PM   
hereyesruponyou


Posts: 770
Joined: 1/22/2007
Status: offline 		Finding the right person will only be the beginning of the journey you two will have together. During that time you will both grow and change. I think you will constantly be surprised at how your bondaries lessen as trust increases. It's not an easy thing to find. Be patient, but take a few chances, otherwise you'll never see what's out there.

(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Self Doubt - 4/27/2007 2:14:03 PM   
openmindedslave


Posts: 470
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline 		Your questioning yourself too much. Your in a postion that you don't want to be in  or you may even in fact be preventing yourself from discovering your happiness.  First relate all this time your involved with finding someone to serve as more of a learning experience.The more experiences you have under your belt, the more your confidence will shime through.This includes your true interest  and your ability to trust in others.

You quest to find  someone who completes you or fullfills your life in some way  takes time and effort. It will not ususally happen over night.But you do need to be prepared when the perfect chance to serve is available.Remember you can stand out from all the rest if you really want too.Those experiences that you may think are past failures really help to  narrow what you seek and don't want to be involved with.  By showing up and being open to  who you are, this will set you apart from the players.

Being fussy as you say....is great news for any dom out here.It means you don't drop to your knees for just anyone. You appreciate that special one as  being a true guide in your life.Let them know it.Let them feel appreciated as being the one  when you find them. They will appreciate you even more...good luck

(in reply to hereyesruponyou)
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RE: Self Doubt - 4/27/2007 2:18:41 PM   
shamedmale


Posts: 135
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline 		i think we all suffer from self doubt. i am bipolar take care mate

(in reply to Unrepentant1)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Self Doubt - 4/27/2007 3:11:42 PM   
Unrepentant1


Posts: 283
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline 		I thank everyone for their advice, it is very much appreciated. I think self worth and discipline is the key and not to sell myself short of what my heart desires. I know there is someone out there, and I will get the chance to show her what she means to me when we meet.

(in reply to earthycouple)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Self Doubt - 4/27/2007 3:29:35 PM   
SunNMoon


Posts: 1058
Joined: 3/18/2007
Status: offline 		Unrepentant1, I'm thinking two things. The first being have you thought about why you have problems trusting? Is it just because you haven't found the right person for you? Or does it extend to other areas of your life? Just a thought, take of it what you wish.
The second thing is make a list of what you would like to have in a Domme. I mean every little detail. I did this when I was younger (a um) and I kept my eye out for that person; I was lucky enough to find him. It will help you picture the person you want to be with. This might help you figure out what you're looking for. (I do really mean everything, I had on my list like to eat broccoli with soy sauce.) I don't think you're asking to much, you're (I think) looking for a person you want to be with. Well that means finding someone that makes you happy and only you know who that will be. Yes finding someone takes time and you have keep looking. I hope that you find her soon.

I hope this was clear, just had a long day. :)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hereyesruponyou

Finding the right person will only be the beginning of the journey you two will have together. During that time you will both grow and change. I think you will constantly be surprised at how your bondaries lessen as trust increases. It's not an easy thing to find. Be patient, but take a few chances, otherwise you'll never see what's out there.


hereyesruponyou, I really like this alot. I think that it is very true.

(in reply to hereyesruponyou)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Self Doubt - 4/27/2007 3:32:25 PM   
Unrepentant1


Posts: 283
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline 		If I am totally honest, I did have a trust betrayed by a Domme. That said, I do believe that is not the issue, but there may be more reservation because of it.

(in reply to SunNMoon)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Self Doubt - 4/27/2007 3:36:18 PM   
SunNMoon


Posts: 1058
Joined: 3/18/2007
Status: offline 		In all truth I didn't think it was about trust, but just how hard it is to find someone. And I do hope that you find her soon. She's got to be out there. :)

(in reply to Unrepentant1)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Self Doubt - 4/28/2007 6:29:46 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Unrepentant1

I am a single sub male, who quite often wonders if he is really submissive. I see many activities that make me nervous and wonder if I could do that, then think of the things I have done that I would not a year ago.

You are talking about a broad spectrum here.  Even in BDSM, not every activity is for everyone.  As you develop, there will be different things that you will encounter.  Some will be thrilling.  Some won't.  Some you will rush into, and others you will hesitate.  A lot of experiences will happen over time, not overnight.


My biggest concern I feel is trusting someone enough and that I feel is the issue to my self doubt.

Good.  Only a fool would trust anyone and everyone who claims to be in this lifestyle.


I am not someone who can submit to anyone, in fact I doubt I could submit to many Dommes to be honest, I seek something I do not even know what myself.

It's just My opinion, but you shouldn't submit to just anyone.  Those who do are usually pretty boring.  There should be some spark that makes you want to submit to One.
 
Am I being to fussy or asking the impossible?

No, not at all.  When you do find your One, you will appreciate Her so much more.  Not everything worth having is easy.


I know I would travel to the ends of the earth for that special person, but I am not sure if it is me asking too much or I am not really a sub. Any genuine advice would be welcome

I don't know if I gave you advice, or just reaffirmed the things you already knew.



(in reply to Unrepentant1)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Self Doubt - 4/28/2007 3:49:41 PM   
pixelslave


Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Unrepentant1

I am a single sub male, who quite often wonders if he is really submissive. I see many activities that make me nervous and wonder if I could do that, then think of the things I have done that I would not a year ago.

My biggest concern I feel is trusting someone enough and that I feel is the issue to my self doubt. I am not someone who can submit to anyone, in fact I doubt I could submit to many Dommes to be honest, I seek something I do not even know what myself.

Am I being to fussy or asking the impossible? I know I would travel to the ends of the earth for that special person, but I am not sure if it is me asking too much or I am not really a sub. Any genuine advice would be welcome


Unrepentant1,
Life in general is not a constant.  Things are always in motion.  When they stop changing and growing, they soon die.  The same applies to you and your submission.  Where you are at right now will continue to change.  Hopefully it will grow and blossom, especially once you meet the right partner for you.
 
Like you, I have never been able to submit to just anyone.  So don't feel alone in this at all.  Building trust with another takes time.  Continue to place value on your submission and don't give it all away at once.  As you gain experience with a new Mistress, through her actions in respecting your limits and taking her time in getting to know your reactions, being patient with you as you learn what she expects, you should be able to observe from her behavior that she is worthy of your increasing trust.  As you do, you'll also feel the increasing desire to release the submission within you.  Trust those feelings within as you observe her actions and find your Mistress increasingly worthy of all that you have to offer.  As you feel safer and your trust grows, you'll naturally release the bonds on whatever may be holding you back, eventually exposing it all.  If you feel the desire to move even further, you can always discuss it with your Mistress.  I'll only caution to remember that it just takes time to build the trust and confidence that you need.  It can't possibly happen all at once and you should run from any Domme who expects it to happen in that way.
 
As you reach increasing levels of trust with a Mistress, you'll find you'll be naturally open to experiencing more than you've imagined and that your previous limits will change.  Doors that have been locked closed will open, and many new opportunities will arise.  It's a journey and a process, just sit back and enjoy the ride.
 
I strongly suggest that you look more with an emphasis toward a woman with a compatible personality and vanilla interests, than one with very closely matching kinks.  The latter are more likely to change with time and experience as you both grow together as Mistress & sub.  In my opinion, it's the bond that comes from sharing a variety of interests in all parts of your lives that will be the key to opening many other doors when it comes to enjoying the play, sharing the intimacy of the kinks and building the trust necessary for all that to happen.
 
 - pixel

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to Unrepentant1)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Self Doubt - 4/28/2007 4:48:45 PM   
MySweetSubmssive


Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		Where there is great doubt,
there will be great awakening;
small doubt, small awakening,
no doubt, no awakening.
- Zen saying


I don't see doubt as a problem, but as a part of the process.  If you experience D/s at a more than superficial level, exploring it is going to change your concept of yourself, and that's never a straightforward path.  I have asked myself the questions you're asking (on the other side of the divide).  There are so many ways in which to create D/s, so many different voices saying "*That's* not the right way to do it," that it's not surprising to feel unsure.  Frankly, submissives who come to me saying that they would do anything, that they have no conflicts strike me as facile.  When a person expresses doubt, one of the things it shows me is that he is giving thought to this, that he takes D/s and himself seriously. 

I think it's wonderful that you want to give yourself to one person who fits you, that you feel you can't do it for just anyone. 

You're on the right track.  (smiling) 
MSS

< Message edited by MySweetSubmssive -- 4/28/2007 4:49:17 PM >

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to pixelslave)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Self Doubt - 4/29/2007 4:26:23 AM   
Unrepentant1


Posts: 283
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: Unrepentant1

I am a single sub male, who quite often wonders if he is really submissive. I see many activities that make me nervous and wonder if I could do that, then think of the things I have done that I would not a year ago.

You are talking about a broad spectrum here.  Even in BDSM, not every activity is for everyone.  As you develop, there will be different things that you will encounter.  Some will be thrilling.  Some won't.  Some you will rush into, and others you will hesitate.  A lot of experiences will happen over time, not overnight.


My biggest concern I feel is trusting someone enough and that I feel is the issue to my self doubt.

Good.  Only a fool would trust anyone and everyone who claims to be in this lifestyle.


I am not someone who can submit to anyone, in fact I doubt I could submit to many Dommes to be honest, I seek something I do not even know what myself.

It's just My opinion, but you shouldn't submit to just anyone.  Those who do are usually pretty boring.  There should be some spark that makes you want to submit to One.
 
Am I being to fussy or asking the impossible?

No, not at all.  When you do find your One, you will appreciate Her so much more.  Not everything worth having is easy.


I know I would travel to the ends of the earth for that special person, but I am not sure if it is me asking too much or I am not really a sub. Any genuine advice would be welcome

I don't know if I gave you advice, or just reaffirmed the things you already knew.








I feel deep down I am probably already aware of what everone says, I guess we just start to think there is something missing and usually look at ourselves first.

Lady Pact, you advice is always welcome and I think you are already aware of the high regard I hold you in. Always nice to hear from you.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Self Doubt - 4/29/2007 4:42:22 AM   
Domin8tingUrDrmz


Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline 		I do not have any new advice to add, it seems everyone has covered it so well already.

I just wanted to thank you for posting a soul-searching thread.  It was a pleasure to read.  I hope you find that elusive one and share your submission with Her to your fullest.

Good luck in your search.

_____________________________

4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions.

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(in reply to Unrepentant1)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Self Doubt - 4/29/2007 4:53:46 AM   
Unrepentant1


Posts: 283
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you for those kind words.

(in reply to Domin8tingUrDrmz)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Self Doubt - 4/29/2007 5:06:42 AM   
Domin8tingUrDrmz


Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline 		You are quite welcome.

_____________________________

4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions.

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Self Doubt - 4/29/2007 6:55:24 AM   
LeatherBentOne


Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Unrepentant1

I am a single sub male, who quite often wonders if he is really submissive. I see many activities that make me nervous and wonder if I could do that, then think of the things I have done that I would not a year ago.
My biggest concern I feel is trusting someone enough and that I feel is the issue to my self doubt. I am not someone who can submit to anyone, in fact I doubt I could submit to many Dommes to be honest, I seek something I do not even know what myself.
Am I being to fussy or asking the impossible? I know I would travel to the ends of the earth for that special person, but I am not sure if it is me asking too much or I am not really a sub. Any genuine advice would be welcome


I've heard it's not a matter of not trusting others, but a matter of not trusting yourself to make good choices.  The more I think about this, the more I can see how this concept my have some credibilty.

We all falter from making good choices from time to time, and sometimes what we WANT isn't in our best interests, and most of the time we know this deep down but chose to ignore it in search of immediate gratification.  Anyone who says this doesn't happen to them, I'm assuming is a liar.

I think to be aware that there is always the chance to cave into our pleasure impulse, helps us to make better decisions.  As for the very least, we are being honest with ourselves and realise there may be dues to pay when we indulge.  At most, we'll try to reign in our hunger and wait for what we've probably known was best from the beginning.

LBO

(in reply to Unrepentant1)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Self Doubt - 4/29/2007 10:43:15 AM   
MistressDoMe


Posts: 295
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline 		Look at it this way, most of the Dominant women have doubts also.
I get hundreds of emails, I don't open most and you have to earn my
trust before I will consider meeting you in a very public place.
I think most sane people have doubts and reservations.
Good luck.

(in reply to Unrepentant1)
Profile   Post #: 20
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