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Need help with wording - 5/1/2007 10:00:00 AM   
KeirasSecret


Posts: 415
Joined: 8/17/2006
From: central NH
Status: offline 		A sub wishes to relay to her owner that she is…. Concerned?.... she is feeling like a dog left on the side of the road by her owner, told to stay. She is loyal, so she does. She sees him drive by, and he waves, but he does not have time to stop.

How would you advise a sub to get this out in the open?

Thank you, be well,

_____________________________

It apears to me, the practice of "an eye for an eye" has finally taken it's toll; the majority are now walking around blind.

Bitching; whining in a louder voice.

If the truth hurts, change it!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Need help with wording - 5/1/2007 10:06:52 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Wow, the first question is exactly how long has she been having these feelings and choosing not to be open about them?

Otherwise it depends on the dynamic- some masters don't want to hear anything.

But, speaking of the general dynamic usually in place- over dinner together say "Master, I've been having some really sucky feelings yesterday and I would like to talk about them and maybe reach a better understanding"

See where it goes from there.  Have your statements ready- "I really feel like I am unimportant to you when you X.  It makes me feel like less of a priority in your life.  In the future, if you would do Y, it would keep you in control but not make me react in that way"

Or however things go- make sure he gets to give his perspective, don't blame, don't rationalize.  Just be open, own your own feelings, make commitments to changes in actual behavior, at least temporarily, and then act upon them.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to KeirasSecret)
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RE: Need help with wording - 5/1/2007 10:09:02 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

How would you advise a sub to get this out in the open?


Link him to this thread.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to KeirasSecret)
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RE: Need help with wording - 5/1/2007 10:22:55 AM   
KeirasSecret


Posts: 415
Joined: 8/17/2006
From: central NH
Status: offline
quote:

how long has she been having these feelings and choosing not to be open about them?


Probably a month, maybe two; she has tried to tell him, but she does not seem to be getting the severity of the problem across.

Would you come right out and use the "dog on the side of the road" scenario? She doesn’t want to make things worse by saying the wrong thing.

Also, should she wait till she sees him in person. It could be a while, but it also seems like an "in person" topic?

Thank you both for replying.

Be well,


_____________________________

It apears to me, the practice of "an eye for an eye" has finally taken it's toll; the majority are now walking around blind.

Bitching; whining in a louder voice.

If the truth hurts, change it!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Need help with wording - 5/1/2007 10:28:44 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I would not use an analogy, that just me though, I prefer to be (very) direct in my communication when I'm in a relationship.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to KeirasSecret)
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RE: Need help with wording - 5/1/2007 10:35:56 AM   
KeirasSecret


Posts: 415
Joined: 8/17/2006
From: central NH
Status: offline
quote:

I would not use an analogy, that just me though, I prefer to be (very) direct in my communication when I'm in a relationship.


So, you would go with something like.... "I am feeling abandoned"?.... "The way our relationship has been going has me feeling abandoned"?

Be well,

_____________________________

It apears to me, the practice of "an eye for an eye" has finally taken it's toll; the majority are now walking around blind.

Bitching; whining in a louder voice.

If the truth hurts, change it!

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Need help with wording - 5/1/2007 10:38:36 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I would word it as positively as possible.  Such as "I feel as though I need more contact."  "I don't know if I'm stressed, or have other concerns..."

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to KeirasSecret)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Need help with wording - 5/1/2007 10:42:41 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		In theory the whole relationship should best be done in person as well, but that's certainly not often the case in bdsm.

Given that, they should talk about it next time on the phone.  No pussyfooting, just straight up "I feel emptied and unimportant when you do X.  I want us to work together so we can feel more connected."  and go from there.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Need help with wording - 5/1/2007 10:58:21 AM   
Suleiman


Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline 		First off, are you under some sort of speech restriction? I noticed that, at first, you used the standard third-person self reference that tends to be habitual for persons laboring under speech restrictions. If so, do you have opportunities to speak freely? Do you have something like a social safeword, to make it clear that you are not in-scene at the moment? Talking to your partner as one adult to another right now, setting aside your respective roles, might be called for, in order to impress on him how important this is to you.

Loyalty is admirable, but feeling that that loyalty is being taken for granted sucks. Believe me, I empathize with this situation. It can be very difficult to say what you are feeling without making it sound like an accusation or otherwise make the situation worse, but there comes a time when you have to saywhat you feel or else the whole relationship can come apart at the seams.

First off, avoid using "You" statements, like "You're ignoring me" or "You don't listen" (I'm not saying that you do, dear, just that, for the purposes of your question, this is the first step in the answer that I have). "Me" statements help a lot to diffuse potentially loaded statements - "I feel neglected" or "I'm not sure I've made myself understood" or "I feel like you haven't been listening to me" - try to make your point without making an attack.

Even if you are under speech restrictions, this might be the time to disobey. This is your wellbeing, and the lasting stability of the relationship, that are at risk, and it may be worth getting rebuked in order to make it clear how important this is to you.

Unfortunately, this is all admittedly generic advice, and most likely to have been repeated ad infinatum by other respondants, but without knowing you and your master, it is the best that I can offer. I hope that it helps, and I hope you manage to work everything out.

Good luck.

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to KeirasSecret)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Need help with wording - 5/1/2007 11:15:17 AM   
Totalmaster4you


Posts: 1359
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		KeiraSecret,
Since I don't know your Master I find it difficult to advise you on the best way for you to communicate. Has he always been this way or is it a whole new personna? Has he been like this and it's gotten worse in the last 2 months?
I can only suggest from My perspective and hope that would be sufficient. The first thing is to remember that you are his to use as he sees fit. The boundries are those negotiated befor you submited. So keep that mindset when you speak to him. Be open and direct, don't use any anologies. As far as I'm concerned this life should be satisfying to both Dominant and submissive. you should realize going in that ignoring your needs was a possible nonverbal way of ending your relationship. I hope this isn't so but you should be mentally prepared if it is. Even though you are a slave you should not be a doormat. Best wishes that this is just a glitch and he just needs to be reminded of his duties to take care of your needs.

_____________________________

Sometime ago I decided it was time to change my nic. However I didn't wish to disconnect from my original profile. Since then I've signed Touch your mind (TYM or Tym). Opinions in my posts should be taken as my opinion and my opinion only.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Need help with wording - 5/1/2007 11:18:34 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Ok, not being the type of person that can hide how I feel, nor do I want to particularly.....

M: What's wrong?

Me : Master, I'm feeling miz.

M: Why are you feeling miz?

Me: Because I miss you and the time we used to spend together. We haven't spent much time talking recently and I'm worried that your feelings have changed toward me. I'm feeling insecure because I feel that, perhaps you don't WANT to spend time with me.

That's about it, really........ I don't know about your circumstances, but a serious conversation would follow.

agirl

(in reply to KeirasSecret)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Need help with wording - 5/1/2007 11:24:24 AM   
tangldupinblue


Posts: 230
Joined: 3/20/2006
Status: offline 		the first thing i would do is stand back and take a good look at whats going on with him...not thats theres a problem or anything but is he very busy at work...is there some outside thing that has his attention?

second thing i would do is offer to help with whatever it is...take some of the pressure off his back and give him a chance to relax.

i learned along time ago that if Daddy had a problem with me he would tell me and i had to stop thinking that if he wasnt talking to me or was to busy for me that it was about me.

just what i've learned.....blue

(in reply to Totalmaster4you)
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RE: Need help with wording - 5/1/2007 12:04:13 PM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KeirasSecret

A sub wishes to relay to her owner that she is…. Concerned?.... she is feeling like a dog left on the side of the road by her owner, told to stay. She is loyal, so she does. She sees him drive by, and he waves, but he does not have time to stop.

How would you advise a sub to get this out in the open?

Thank you, be well,
Jump out in front of the car as he's driving by. If he stops, he'll listen. If he doesn't, he never will.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to KeirasSecret)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Need help with wording - 5/1/2007 12:13:01 PM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KeirasSecret

Would you come right out and use the "dog on the side of the road" scenario? She doesn’t want to make things worse by saying the wrong thing.

Also, should she wait till she sees him in person. It could be a while, but it also seems like an "in person" topic?


Nope, don't use the dog analogy. It seems pitiful and takes away your worth. Come out with the blunt truth of it - Master, I feel as though I am waiting and waiting for your attention and my needs as your sub (slave?) in this regard are not being met. The dog analogy is passive aggressive a/k/a "poor me, feel sorry for me." It would only inspire irritation. And yes, this is a definite in person thing.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to KeirasSecret)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Need help with wording - 5/1/2007 12:16:05 PM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44
Jump out in front of the car as he's driving by. If he stops, he'll listen. If he doesn't, he never will.


I'm a direct & to the point person so I have to agree with this.

But I sense the OP is not so forthright & by taking a direct approach she may not be prepared to face the less desired result in this type of ultimatum.

In other words... when you ask for the answer be prepared to receive an answer you might not want to hear.

Yet don't avoid getting your questions answered because to go forth in this way the only thing you will ensure is this feeling of being abandoned... or worse, have you sense of self worth completely ripped from you.

< Message edited by MstrssPassion -- 5/1/2007 12:17:13 PM >

_____________________________

MstrssPassion


(in reply to MrDiscipline44)
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RE: Need help with wording - 5/1/2007 1:20:50 PM   
KeirasSecret


Posts: 415
Joined: 8/17/2006
From: central NH
Status: offline
quote:

I would word it as positively as possible.  Such as "I feel as though I need more contact."  "I don't know if I'm stressed, or have other concerns..."


I have said things simular to him; to the point of saying "I am not always so confident that he wishes to see me... is it normal to need reasurance?... I need some... I don't think spending time with you is a want anymore, it is a need."

This is why I say I'm not getting my point across.

quote:

"I feel emptied and unimportant when you do X.  


This does say how I feel.... thank you

quote:

First off, are you under some sort of speech restriction? I noticed that, at first, you used the standard third-person self reference that tends to be habitual for persons laboring under speech restrictions.


Ummm… no. That was me trying to be inconspicuous. I guess I failed?

quote:

there comes a time when you have to saywhat you feel or else the whole relationship can come apart at the seams.


This is what I am afraid of.

When the relationship started he had more time. After a couple of months (around the holidays) work got more hectic, he got sick, sick family member… ext, and things haven’t gotten back to where they were. Lately, he has had even less time.

quote:

The first thing is to remember that you are his to use as he sees fit.


I assure you, it is logged in.

agirl.... also some good examples...thank you 

quote:

i learned along time ago that if Daddy had a problem with me he would tell me and i had to stop thinking that if he wasnt talking to me or was to busy for me that it was about me.


This is how I try to think, but it has been a while and it is getting harder to remind myself of this or believe.

quote:

Jump out in front of the car as he's driving by. If he stops, he'll listen. If he doesn't, he never will.


*smiles* Well, that would solve the problem one way or another, now wouldn't it. ;)


quote:

The dog analogy is passive aggressive a/k/a "poor me, feel sorry for me."


I was concerned it was a little strong, and I certainly am not looking for a pitty party. I just want to make sure he understands what is going on.

quote:

But I sense the OP is not so forthright & by taking a direct approach she may not be prepared to face the less desired result in this type of ultimatum.


Perhaps I have not been direct and to the point enough. I used to be more so, but D/s is a different ball game for me; which is why I am asking.

As far as giving an ultimatum, I didn’t think I was, or at least wasn’t meaning to. All I know is that if something doesn't change even just a little, what ever is going to happen will happen whether I want it to or not. I feel like I am being drained and soon there will be nothing left.

Thank you all, be well,



_____________________________

It apears to me, the practice of "an eye for an eye" has finally taken it's toll; the majority are now walking around blind.

Bitching; whining in a louder voice.

If the truth hurts, change it!

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Need help with wording - 5/1/2007 1:57:56 PM   
Satyr6406


Posts: 820
Joined: 3/27/2006
From: New Brunswick, N.J.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

Jump out in front of the car as he's driving by. If he stops, he'll listen. If he doesn't, he never will.



You're a sick, twisted, sadistic individual!
 
 
 
Let's do lunch!
 
 
 
 
 
 
Peace and comfort,
 
 
 
 
 
Michael

_____________________________

Peace and comfort,


Michael

Former Vice-President Gore didn't invent the internet but, he DID make up global warming!

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Need help with wording - 5/1/2007 2:00:54 PM   
KeirasSecret


Posts: 415
Joined: 8/17/2006
From: central NH
Status: offline
quote:

Jump out in front of the car as he's driving by.


I should of f-ing jumped.... damn it!!!!

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Need help with wording - 5/1/2007 4:20:14 PM   
losttreasure


Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tangldupinblue

the first thing i would do is stand back and take a good look at whats going on with him...not thats theres a problem or anything but is he very busy at work...is there some outside thing that has his attention?

second thing i would do is offer to help with whatever it is...take some of the pressure off his back and give him a chance to relax.

i learned along time ago that if Daddy had a problem with me he would tell me and i had to stop thinking that if he wasnt talking to me or was to busy for me that it was about me.

just what i've learned.....blue


They are long distance.  If he's not communicating, she isn't exactly in a position to know what's going on with his life, is she?   Her trying to guess what he's doing, thinking or feeling is about the worst thing she can do.

Keira... simply ask him.  No games, no pussy footing around, no accusations.  Simply ask him if he still wants to spend time with you.  

Then, it's up to you to decide if you can live with his answer and be happy about it.




_____________________________

Just because it isn't "all about me", doesn't make it "all about you".

(in reply to tangldupinblue)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Need help with wording - 5/1/2007 4:30:27 PM   
KeirasSecret


Posts: 415
Joined: 8/17/2006
From: central NH
Status: offline
quote:

simply ask him.  No games, no pussy footing around, no accusations.  Simply ask him if he still wants to spend time with you.  


Thank you, I have, again tonight even. Time will tell.

Be well,

_____________________________

It apears to me, the practice of "an eye for an eye" has finally taken it's toll; the majority are now walking around blind.

Bitching; whining in a louder voice.

If the truth hurts, change it!

(in reply to losttreasure)
Profile   Post #: 20
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