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Is there a core element ? - 5/1/2007 10:36:04 AM

MariaB

Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
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I have been doing a lot of thinking of late about submission. Not me submitting ! but about that craving, longing and all consuming feeling inside a submissive mind.
I know that each and every one of us are different. We are as unique as a fingerprint and our desires, wants and needs are all so different and diverse, and that’s what makes all this so exciting.
But is there a core element? By that I mean is there a basic desire regarding the D/s side that is the same for most subs. All I can do here is ask a few questions otherwise my ramblings may go on and have very little meaning!
I probably need to ask these questions to the subs that have experience

How long does it take you to work out if this person is going to be able to dominate you or not?

and what was your reasons for deciding this dominant was not for you?

Putting away the word trust, what are the key things you need to feel from a prospective dominant?

When you initially speak to a dominant do you need to feel an immediate desire to submit or could that come at a later date?

How many dominants did you speak to or even try with before finding the right one?

And what was it about that special one that got inside your head?

< Message edited by MariaB -- 5/1/2007 10:37:52 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Is there a core element ? - 5/1/2007 10:46:05 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB
But is there a core element?

Other than being fulfilled by relationships in which we do not have the authority...nope.

quote:

How long does it take you to work out if this person is going to be able to dominate you or not?

Depends on the person, I've felt instand chemistry and desire to submit, and sometimes it's taken years.

quote:

and what was your reasons for deciding this dominant was not for you?

Intuition and understanding of character over time

quote:

Putting away the word trust, what are the key things you need to feel from a prospective dominant?

Self-awareness and mutual goals

quote:

When you initially speak to a dominant do you need to feel an immediate desire to submit or could that come at a later date?

Yes

quote:

How many dominants did you speak to or even try with before finding the right one?

However many I happen to bump into before I decide

quote:

And what was it about that special one that got inside your head?

Their specialness...really it was more my getting over my own issues to realize what beautifulness was in front of me.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MariaB)

Post #: 2

RE: Is there a core element ? - 5/1/2007 11:03:13 AM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

I have been doing a lot of thinking of late about submission. Not me submitting ! but about that craving, longing and all consuming feeling inside a submissive mind.
I know that each and every one of us are different. We are as unique as a fingerprint and our desires, wants and needs are all so different and diverse, and that’s what makes all this so exciting.
But is there a core element? By that I mean is there a basic desire regarding the D/s side that is the same for most subs. All I can do here is ask a few questions otherwise my ramblings may go on and have very little meaning!
I probably need to ask these questions to the subs that have experience

How long does it take you to work out if this person is going to be able to dominate you or not?
When i was looking, if things seemed compatible in alot of different areas and we had alot of the same likes you can tell.

and what was your reasons for deciding this dominant was not for you?
something just didn't feel right. call it a gut instinct.

Putting away the word trust, what are the key things you need to feel from a prospective dominant?

Honesty, safety, responsibility.

When you initially speak to a dominant do you need to feel an immediate desire to submit or could that come at a later date?
I have had both.
How many dominants did you speak to or even try with before finding the right one?
In 12 years, alot. I had a few right ones along the way.

And what was it about that special one that got inside your head?
It just felt right and I knew this is where I belonged. I felt comfortable and safe.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to MariaB)

Post #: 3

RE: Is there a core element ? - 5/1/2007 11:36:00 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

How long does it take you to work out if this person is going to be able to dominate you or not?

very few weren't able, they just weren't interested in a long term sense. they only wanted to dominate for a specified period of time, as if it was a persona they adapted, against their nature, for erotic, sexual and/or license to beat/scare the life out of another human being purposes only.

quote:

and what was your reasons for deciding this dominant was not for you?

the desire to live.

quote:

When you initially speak to a dominant do you need to feel an immediate desire to submit or could that come at a later date?

this slave always desires to submit...Master decides to who, when and what for. Before Master, it was to everyone that crossed this slave's path.

quote:

How many dominants did you speak to or even try with before finding the right one?

to date, this slave has been owned twice. Once by her parents and now by Master. when dating, or in prior marriage--this slave always submitted, even when they weren't interested in dominating.

quote:

And what was it about that special one that got inside your head?

Her continued faith that He would appear led her to look for Him. His integrity is impeccable. He exudes confidence and is brutally honest. His EastCoast Italian sadistic style and sense of humor has taken this slave's breath away, literally, more than once. He has moved this slave to tears of joy and the complete baring of her soul. What others have scorned and abandoned, He has appreciated and embraced.

(in reply to MariaB)

Post #: 4

RE: Is there a core element ? - 5/1/2007 12:30:50 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

How long does it take you to work out if this person is going to be able to dominate you or not?
Not long. Though I sometimes gave them more opportunities to do so than was necessary.

and what was your reasons for deciding this dominant was not for you?
I could manipulate.

Putting away the word trust, what are the key things you need to feel from a prospective dominant?
That they actually have the ability to make me want to submit to their authority.

When you initially speak to a dominant do you need to feel an immediate desire to submit or could that come at a later date?
No. I don't even *feel a need* to submit to M a lot of the time.

How many dominants did you speak to or even try with before finding the right one?
I spoke to a lot of male *doms* as friends and still do. I spent time in a *sub* role with a few of them, years ago, but it was silly and short-lived. I was in control and *allowed* them to be domly whilst doing exactly as I pleased. Wholly unsatisfactory. They required someone to BE submissive and I'm not, and even though I was clear about myself they thought that they could *change* me.
They wanted and needed me, I didn't feel the same way.

And what was it about that special one that got inside your head?
He WAS in control. He didn't need me, his life didn't have a void that he was trying to fill. He didn't demand, he just expected, he didn't get annoyed, cross, offended or disappointed if I didn't do what he asked me to, he just shifted weight slightly until I fell into line with what he was trying to achieve. He probably had the right balance of pragmatism and real caring.

agirl

(in reply to MariaB)

Post #: 5

RE: Is there a core element ? - 5/1/2007 1:07:33 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
and what was your reasons for deciding this dominant was not for you?
I could manipulate.

Interesting. Considering how often I use underestimation as a way to get to know people, it would be funny to think that someone had decided I wasn't a good dominant for them because they decided they could "manipulate" me, when, in reality, I simply let them feel they had manipulated me because I didn't care enough or it wasn't in my interests at the time to correct them.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 6

RE: Is there a core element ? - 5/1/2007 2:16:58 PM

MariaB

Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
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Mercnbeth said:
Her continued faith that He would appear led her to look for Him. His integrity is impeccable. He exudes confidence and is brutally honest. His EastCoast Italian sadistic style and sense of humor has taken this slave's breath away, literally, more than once. He has moved this slave to tears of joy and the complete baring of her soul. What others have scorned and abandoned, He has appreciated and embraced.

And agil said:
He WAS in control. He didn't need me, his life didn't have a void that he was trying to fill. He didn't demand, he just expected, he didn't get annoyed, cross, offended or disappointed if I didn't do what he asked me to, he just shifted weight slightly until I fell into line with what he was trying to achieve. He probably had the right balance of pragmatism and real caring.

And this is the possible core I am interested in.
Although I do not submit to any man or woman in body I would be a liar if I said I never fantasised about it. In my fantasy the man has to be all these things mentioned, nothing less would do (for me anyway) If I were to go out and do this for real then I would not submit to any man and I would certainly not submit to a man unless I was absolutely certain that he was dominant by nature and not just playing a game.
Balanced, calm, cool, in control of his life, positive, encouraging, firm and expectant all come to mind.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 7

RE: Is there a core element ? - 5/1/2007 2:29:52 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB
If I were to go out and do this for real then I would not submit to any man and I would certainly not submit to a man unless I was absolutely certain that he was dominant by nature and not just playing a game.
Balanced, calm, cool, in control of his life, positive, encouraging, firm and expectant all come to mind.

But of course there's the question of slaves who are exactly as you describe here- and completely dominant and in control of life in general...but absolutely a slave to their owners.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MariaB)

Post #: 8

RE: Is there a core element ? - 5/1/2007 2:46:04 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
and what was your reasons for deciding this dominant was not for you?
I could manipulate.

Interesting. Considering how often I use underestimation as a way to get to know people, it would be funny to think that someone had decided I wasn't a good dominant for them because they decided they could "manipulate" me, when, in reality, I simply let them feel they had manipulated me because I didn't care enough or it wasn't in my interests at the time to correct them.

It would be ridiculous of me to pretend that I was unaware of the fact that I was able to manipulate in these situations and the chaps concerned knew it too.

agirl

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 9

RE: Is there a core element ? - 5/1/2007 3:13:08 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
It would be ridiculous of me to pretend that I was unaware of the fact that I was able to manipulate in these situations and the chaps concerned knew it too.

agirl

So it wouldn't change anything to know that the dom in question was fully aware all along that you were attempting to manipulate and let you "get away with it" because he found it amusing to watch you play with yourself?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 10

RE: Is there a core element ? - 5/1/2007 3:20:01 PM

TGM

Posts: 6
Joined: 4/19/2006
Status: offline

wrong

< Message edited by TGM -- 5/1/2007 3:27:22 PM >

(in reply to MariaB)

Post #: 11

RE: Is there a core element ? - 5/1/2007 4:27:23 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
It would be ridiculous of me to pretend that I was unaware of the fact that I was able to manipulate in these situations and the chaps concerned knew it too.

agirl

So it wouldn't change anything to know that the dom in question was fully aware all along that you were attempting to manipulate and let you "get away with it" because he found it amusing to watch you play with yourself?

Take it from me ( and you'll have to) ....in these situations that wasn't occuring. Not just from my own view of it but from theirs too. Which I have already said in the quote you used above.

agirl

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 12

RE: Is there a core element ? - 5/1/2007 4:36:52 PM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline

How long does it take you to work out if this person is going to be able to dominate you or not?

It usually isn't a matter of someone not being able to dominate me, but a matter of how their style feels to me.

and what was your reasons for deciding this dominant was not for you?

It usually has something to do with my inability to feel connected.

Putting away the word trust, what are the key things you need to feel from a prospective dominant?

A sense of connection, clarity, direction

When you initially speak to a dominant do you need to feel an immediate desire to submit or could that come at a later date?

The desire comes later. I usually shy away at first and try to get a feel for them from a distance.

How many dominants did you speak to or even try with before finding the right one?

It's not a matter of finding the right one, its more like finding someone thats effective at a particular point in time. (I've never been collared or anything.)

And what was it about that special one that got inside your head?

It doesn't take much to get inside my head. Its a question of whether they want to stay there and what things feel like while they stay.

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin

(in reply to MariaB)

Post #: 13

RE: Is there a core element ? - 5/1/2007 4:59:52 PM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline

How long does it take you to work out if this person is going to be able to dominate you or not?

depends on the person. i was friends with both my current and previous dominant long before we were ever in a relationship, let alone before there was a collar. generally i have an instinctive reaction submission-wise, but i don't know if that would hold true with everyone i might be with in the future or simply the two i have been with.

Putting away the word trust, what are the key things you need to feel from a prospective dominant?

emotional and financial security, a sense that they know where they are and where they are going, maturity, a willingness to explore all different areas and interests.

When you initially speak to a dominant do you need to feel an immediate desire to submit or could that come at a later date?

there are men i have spoken to with whom i felt an immediate rush of submission. both my previous and current dominant, as well as other men; sometimes when i am at work i will be serving a customer and i'll have that feeling. then again, there are plenty of scenarios where that may not happen right at first.

How many dominants did you speak to or even try with before finding the right one?

the right one kind of fell in my lap, actually.

And what was it about that special one that got inside your head?

we just click. i have to echo beth...

quote:

His EastCoast Italian sadistic style and sense of humor has taken this slave's breath away, literally, more than once.

must be something about italian men ;) idon't know how to put it. i knew initially when i met him that there was a connection (although it was more of a spirit one than anything remotely romantic or sexual, and it was a long time ago), but we just kind of grew into each other.

_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to MariaB)

Post #: 14

RE: Is there a core element ? - 5/2/2007 2:41:26 AM

MariaB

Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

agirl
I see this a lot and I can understand why a sub often feels the need to do this.

I think it is more the testing of a potential dominant, just as most daughters push their farther. It’s a manipulation game to see what they can get away with. You are not testing because you are not submissive enough or because you are a brat but because you need confirmation of just how safe You are, you needed to know that he holds the controls and that he will insist on you towing the line ‘His’ way.
Perhaps he asks a question and you do not answer it clearly or concisely . Will he react? Will he stop you right their and ask you to go back and think about his question carefully and then like a sensible girl, come back and answer it properly, or will he not even notice and move blindly on? Either way can give confirmation to a sub. Like a first hurdle I suppose.
Of course we could argue that the dominant would notice this and decide not to act upon it! If that’s the case then the whole things over before its even begun.

Just because someone professes to be dominant does not make them necessarily dominant enough for any one particular sub and I am talking sub here and not slave.
I have a friend that puts himself out on boards such as this as a Master and yet he confessed to me one night after a fair few drinks that he just likes arse and that he found that by going after a submissive was the easiest way to get to it! He went on to say that although he found some submissive girls easy lays he also thought they were a bit odd and certainly would not want one as a partner. I believe there are a lot like him and submissive females know they can fall vulnerable to this sort of guy.
Mistresses do it too but its more often greed than something of a sexual nature.

Lucky Albatross you say that you simply let them feel they had manipulated you because you did not care enough or it was not of interest to correct them at the time.

I can understand that too although if I had no interest I would simply tell them and not waste anymore of his/her or my time.

I believe that what agirl is talking about is much more subtle. Manipulation can be like a huge lump of lead or as tiny as a silver sliver of silver and I think it’s the tiny sliver of silver that agirl is talking about.

(in reply to hisannabelle)

Post #: 15

RE: Is there a core element ? - 5/2/2007 2:47:09 AM

MariaB

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Joined: 4/3/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB
If I were to go out and do this for real then I would not submit to any man and I would certainly not submit to a man unless I was absolutely certain that he was dominant by nature and not just playing a game.
Balanced, calm, cool, in control of his life, positive, encouraging, firm and expectant all come to mind.

But of course there's the question of slaves who are exactly as you describe here- and completely dominant and in control of life in general...but absolutely a slave to their owners.

Absolutely, I don’t for a moment disagree with this statement but the topic was not about what makes up the good attributes of a slave, its about the dominant.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 16

RE: Is there a core element ? - 5/2/2007 3:10:32 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

You're quite right in my case, MariaB. These were nice men, genuine in their desire to have me as theirs and were friends, it wasn't deliberate *game-playing*. It doesn't take a great deal to notice that a smile or a hesitancy on my part had the ability to change their mind about a stance they'd taken, and it was apparent over a decent amount of time ... it was disappointing to know it. I certainly didn't revel in the knowledge. No matter how much they wanted me, they weren't the right people FOR me. It was as apparent to them as it was to me.

agirl

(in reply to MariaB)

Post #: 17

RE: Is there a core element ? - 5/2/2007 3:49:10 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

The three most common kinks that submissives seem to have are obedience, service and emotional transparency.

Before I even consider letting down my barriers, I have to know that his moral values and mine are the same. Otherwise, no matter how much chemistry there is, I will not act on my feelings.

With him, I knew immediately upon meeting that he could dominate me. But we had done enough talking before for me to be sure he was trustworthy, that we shared values, that we were generally on the same page, and most of all that we genuinely liked each other and would remain friends. I wanted a relationship with someone I liked as a friend, not just as a dom.

I have no idea how many I refused to meet or continue talking to. I just crossed them off and continued on my way.

What got to me about him? A quiet confidence. Refreshing honesty. Admission of humanity instead of chest pounding and claiming he could do anything and be everything to everyone. He knew what he did and didn't want and was open about it. And more than that, he understood that I was new and didn't know what I might or might not want, and that I needed to move slowly in order not to feel overwhelmed. He slowed down to my pace which was very important to me.

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 18

RE: Is there a core element ? - 5/2/2007 4:30:23 AM

MariaB

Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

The three most common kinks that submissives seem to have are obedience, service and emotional transparency.

Before I even consider letting down my barriers, I have to know that his moral values and mine are the same. Otherwise, no matter how much chemistry there is, I will not act on my feelings.

With him, I knew immediately upon meeting that he could dominate me. But we had done enough talking before for me to be sure he was trustworthy, that we shared values, that we were generally on the same page, and most of all that we genuinely liked each other and would remain friends. I wanted a relationship with someone I liked as a friend, not just as a dom.

I have no idea how many I refused to meet or continue talking to. I just crossed them off and continued on my way.

What got to me about him? A quiet confidence. Refreshing honesty. Admission of humanity instead of chest pounding and claiming he could do anything and be everything to everyone. He knew what he did and didn't want and was open about it. And more than that, he understood that I was new and didn't know what I might or might not want, and that I needed to move slowly in order not to feel overwhelmed. He slowed down to my pace which was very important to me.

And its this same core element that seems to come back time after time.
Dominance is just a word that anyone can attach to themselves but a word does not necessarily make a ‘dominant’
Its not how he/she tells you to get on your knees and serve like a good bitch!! Its an inner strength and its knowing with absolute certainty that this person holds the controls with total ease.
Just as a dominant will work out the level of submission in a person, so will a sub work out the true dominance of a man/woman. It’s a blending process where the recipe will either work or it wont.

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 19

RE: Is there a core element ? - 5/2/2007 6:12:18 AM

BeingChewsie

Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline

Hi :)

How long does it take you to work out if this person is going to be able to dominate you or not?

***I can usually tell within a few hours of meeting, there is just something about them.

and what was your reasons for deciding this dominant was not for you?

*** Usually a gut feeling or just not being dominant enough, being able to manipulate him and not get called on it immeditately, not being educated enough, just not my type, being a fluffy sadist vs a sadist.

Putting away the word trust, what are the key things you need to feel from a prospective dominant?

***Security, a sense that I belong and am accepted wholly for who I am, the *knowing* that I can let go and he will take care of things.

When you initially speak to a dominant do you need to feel an immediate desire to submit or could that come at a later date?

*** It can come later but if we have met and if I don't get the feeling they are more powerful then I am, it would be a no go from there.

How many dominants did you speak to or even try with before finding the right one?

***Many

And what was it about that special one that got inside your head?

***His quiet confidence, his ability to put me at ease, the way he just listened but guided our interactions from the beginning, brutal honesty. Rock solid in terms of doing what he said he would do, emotionally available, didn't fall back on *props* vs power, He just *got* it..he wasn't playing a role, he wasn't *unsure* and seeking my approval like if he was doing it *right*...I don't know I just knew he knew, that he got it. His life was in order, successful, and he was in control of it..his dominance extended into all areas of his life. He grabbed situations by their proverbial balls and brought them to -his- timely conclusion. I just knew and it was the absolute right choice.

< Message edited by BeingChewsie -- 5/2/2007 6:14:10 AM >

_____________________________

"In fact, it is my contention that most women are accepting of way less than optimal circumstance constantly, and are lucky to be 'snagged' by the right man, if ever. But it is more by happy accident than by their design. "
~Ron and Hup

(in reply to MariaB)

Post #: 20

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