Termyn8or
Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline
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Thank you all for responding, whatever your goals.
I am in a very dark time right now. The aftermath.
Car is junk, stereo fried out too. Now I need a new door as well. I can't even play some tunes to cheer up, and possibly I don't deserve that. I "feel" like I ungrew up, like I devolved. There is no excuse for the way I blew up.
It is not the fault of the Buick, or the Sansui, or the six-panel door. It is my fault and none other. It is also not the fault of Budweiser, GM, nothing like that, but there is another point alot of people don't see right now.
It is of paramount importance that I control my rage. You just don't know what I am capable of. I haven't blown up like that in decades. Good thing too. It is not like a blackout, I remember every second of it, and it ain't pleasant. I can't do this anymore.
It has added to my guilt load, which is primarily what makes me be good. It is only a door, but in that state if a certain person did a certain thing I might've done more. This is my main concern. I hope that if all this shit happened to you that there will not be someone fucking with your head when they are drunk, and do not know when to stop.
But in no way does that mean that what I did is not 100% my fault.
Anger is a funny thing. A punching bag won't work, no "I wanna fuck something up". Well I did. I did not hit a person, and I don't.
After all of this I want to make it clear to all the Women around who might decide to contact me, I will never raise my hand to you in anger. EVER. When sitting around with the guys, I might punch someone in the arm when they interrupt me or some shit like that, but that really doesn't qualify.
I am thoroughly ashamed that I lost control, and I am glad nobody got hurt. Even when I was younger, I very rarely hit people when I got pissed off, one notable exception being my ex-brotherinlaw, but I am sure most can see how that might just have been appropriate. He started getting real cocky, AT MY MOTHER'S HOUSE, that day my actions were fully justified. I stand by that. He deserved that fat lip, so I gave it to him. Did I mention that he is bigger than me ?
So you don't have to be scared of me. In fact if I had a Woman up here I seriously doubt I would have broken the door. Her loving arms would be a seriously effective suopport system. Not a punching bag, EVER. I am not like that. Sometimes a nice hug has a very profound effect.
The case of my ex-brotherinlaw, well he was at my Mother's house starting to try to order people around when my phone rang. Read the "Mom" thread and figure out how lucky he was to get that fat lip, and live to tell about it. My sister could've been a widow at 25. And she got herself into bullshit, one guy abused her I told her walk out the fucking door. She didn't and I washed my hands of it until she got out of there. Well, there was a day that I reallly wish I was there. I don't like Mom getting fucked with, that's my sister's and my job.
This fuckhead, who I am glad she never married, climbed up the trelaces, terraces whatever and broke into their apartment. My Mother tried to shoot him but was too unfamiliar with firearms. We had given her a break action revolver and it was already loaded, but she opened the thing and that resulted in one or more of the live rounds gatting trapped between the ejector plate and the cylinder, thus it would not close. If not for that, he would be dead.
You think I took that lying down ? nu a. The cops came and they had him with LSD and other drugs, and he tried to jump out the window. The cops figured he couldn't fly and at one point they were holding him by the legs, hanging outside the window and one said to the other "Maybe we should just let go". True story.
Well he didn't get busted for the drugs because he was connected. Different connections than mine, because if they were the same connections we would not have gotten out of it. Well I fixed all that.
As much as I hate to admit it, I made a few calls, dropped a dime so to speak. I am not proud of that either. I got the FBI to bust his connections. I detest such things, using the government against somebody, BUT YOU DON'T FUCK WITH MOM. PERIOD.
While I am not proud, I am not ashamed. It was needed, you do not fuck with Mom. She doesn't even know about it, there is no reason to tell her. Did I compromise my morality using the FBI against someone ? YES. Would I do it again in the same situation YES. Without hesitation. I wrecked all of this asshole's connections.
But actually that wasn't rage. That was coldly calculated.
I hope this never happens again. None of it, why can't everybody just get along. All it takes is a little mutual respect. If everyone had that, wow, we wouldn't even need law or government. But then the world is how it is. Take it or leave it.
And not too long ago when I was in a very dark mindspace I really did consider leaving it. Not because of the situation, I can get another car, another two ohm stable hifi amp. It is only money. What bothers me is that *I* lost control. That has not happened in a long long time.
I feel as if I have devolved. Grew down. Lost something very important.
Well, it is time for the cleanup. I must get a ride to work tomorrow, life goes on. Today I would never be able to concentrate. I will be better tomorrow. And life goes on, my bills go on, plus I have to buy a car very soon. I think going to work is a good idea, and I might, unprecedently for a long time, work Saturday.
I need a nap later, this is a bit wierd but it is how it is. My nextdoor neighbor has an 89 Park avenue, really nice car, and it needs parts that my piece of junk has. That means I gotta go over there at about two in the morning and make the deal because he works second shift. I am almost sure he would sell it to me if I come up with cash.
So coming out of the dark fog I got two goals. Find a way to work, and get a car, whether this one or another one. Just do it, I have no other choice. The door can stay broken to remind me not to turn asshole.
Thanks for being there.
T
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