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D/S without the "Scening" - 5/2/2007 2:38:17 PM

MadRabbit

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Its hard to present this issue as a question since on introspection, the reason why I am posting is to find some validation or support for how I am fealing.

My main fetish has always been control and my main interest in BDSM has always been D/S and power based relationships.

I consider myself to be a sadist, but its not that large of a desire. Rather small when compared to sex in general.

My interest in the "play" and "scening" aspect of BDSM has been constantly disapearing.

When I ask myself "Why?", the answer I come up with is all the scenes and play I have done, I have felt I wasnt doing it for me. When I think back on them, I felt more like I was performing for the erotic pleasure and desire of the submissive and not really for myself.

Have any other dominants ever felt this way or feal this way toward the "play" aspect?

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Post #: 1

RE: D/S without the "Scening" - 5/2/2007 2:54:27 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit
Have any other dominants ever felt this way or feal this way toward the "play" aspect?

The answer to any question that starts "Does anyone else...?" is always YES.

It's really not that uncommon- but it's boring to talk about everyday life.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 2

RE: D/S without the "Scening" - 5/2/2007 3:08:00 PM

MadRabbit

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit
Have any other dominants ever felt this way or feal this way toward the "play" aspect?

The answer to any question that starts "Does anyone else...?" is always YES.

It's really not that uncommon- but it's boring to talk about everyday life.

Fair enough hehe.

This was a bit hard to word.

I guess we hear about tops who arent dominants all the time.

The point of the post was more to hear from dominants who dont particularly enjoy being tops.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 3

RE: D/S without the "Scening" - 5/2/2007 3:46:35 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

Its hard to present this issue as a question since on introspection, the reason why I am posting is to find some validation or support for how I am fealing.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I ask myself "Why?", the answer I come up with is all the scenes and play I have done, I have felt I wasnt doing it for me. When I think back on them, I felt more like I was performing for the erotic pleasure and desire of the submissive and not really for myself.

Sorry. Validation and support is not on 'this' Dom's agenda. This is all about 'me'.

And that's probably the last time I really intend on saying that. I have always been more the opposite. I have been quite happy about catering to the 'erotic pleasure and desire' of my partner. If that's painplay, I'm more than capable of the task. If that involves 'not', that's fine too.

In either case, however, I have made certain that I have maintained a balance that allows for 'me'. If my partner enjoys painplay, I have the ability to push limits so it's not 'entirely' for her. If my partner does not particularly enjoy that aspect, I ensure that there will still be a measure of 'submitting' to what I find interesting. In a way, that is pushing a limit as well.

What truly is 'for me', is the transformation of my partner. Seeing how the evolution of her submission (or slavery) alters her, deepens 'us'. You say you enjoy the control. Control is very much my interest as well, even more than 'my' sexual pleasure. (I always ensure satiation for her, regardless.) The control IS hot for me, but I tend to do it on my terms. But the knowledge that my partner cannot get the mix of what she wants and needs, along with that little 'extra' which keeps her evolution going, from just 'anyone' is what is REALLY hot for me. That to her it 'doesn't' seem as if it is all about her, that there is actual dominance and submission, is very interesting to me.

Does this lend any perspective to you?

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 4

RE: D/S without the "Scening" - 5/2/2007 3:52:45 PM

MadRabbit

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Joined: 8/9/2006
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Aye, thank you very much for not providing validation or support =)

It defiently gives me something to think about.

Perhaps my non enjoyment is coming from not looking at this the wrong way due to lack of experience.

Maybe I'm just incredibly selfish.

Perhaps a better question would be "What enjoyment do you get out of being a Top?"

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 5/2/2007 3:59:05 PM >

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 5

RE: D/S without the "Scening" - 5/2/2007 4:25:07 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
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From: Charleston, WV
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Somewhere along your education, you've been taught two things:

1. If you're into Ds relationships, you MUST be into SM and bondage.
2. If you're a Top, you MUST be a sadist.

Neither of these are correct.

Be yourself.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 6

RE: D/S without the "Scening" - 5/2/2007 4:37:36 PM

Satyr6406

Posts: 820
Joined: 3/27/2006
From: New Brunswick, N.J.
Status: offline

Here ya go!

I am NOT in the BDSM "lifestyle" (as so many put it). I am in the D/s lifestyle.

I have no desire to "top" anyone in BDSM play because it does not serve me; plain and simple.

I went through exactly what you're going through, some time back. So many submissives seem to be masochists that I almost felt like I had to participate.

I don't see any reason to indulge in anything that I would prefer not to. I can tell you this: there are so many bottoms, out there that think they are submissives that it is an uphill climb, if you decide to leave BDSM in the rearview mirror.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

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Michael

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(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 7

RE: D/S without the "Scening" - 5/2/2007 4:51:47 PM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

Its hard to present this issue as a question since on introspection, the reason why I am posting is to find some validation or support for how I am fealing.

My main fetish has always been control and my main interest in BDSM has always been D/S and power based relationships.

I consider myself to be a sadist, but its not that large of a desire. Rather small when compared to sex in general.

My interest in the "play" and "scening" aspect of BDSM has been constantly disapearing.

When I ask myself "Why?", the answer I come up with is all the scenes and play I have done, I have felt I wasnt doing it for me. When I think back on them, I felt more like I was performing for the erotic pleasure and desire of the submissive and not really for myself.

Have any other dominants ever felt this way or feal this way toward the "play" aspect?

i'm not a dom, though i do find it funny, not in a good way, when i've heard people say that, or something to that same effect...

i figure it this way:

**if you're the top/dominant, then you should be the leader; so if you feel like you were 'catering' to a bottom/submissives whim instead of your own needs/desires, then you have no one to blame but yourself, regardless of whether or not there is 'play/scening going on**

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 8

RE: D/S without the "Scening" - 5/2/2007 4:54:25 PM

MadRabbit

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Joined: 8/9/2006
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Thank you both, Michael and MasterFireMa'am. I think that surmises a large part of my dilemna. The "supposed to's"

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to Satyr6406)

Post #: 9

RE: D/S without the "Scening" - 5/2/2007 4:58:59 PM

MadRabbit

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Fair enough, but this wasnt really about blame.

I did some things and the end result was the enjoyment of the bottom and not my own.

Now I am just speculating on that.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to daddysliloneds)

Post #: 10

RE: D/S without the "Scening" - 5/2/2007 5:36:52 PM

RavenMuse

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Joined: 1/23/2006
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The BDSM 'play' is just a bonus, an enjoyed additional aspect to the relationship and sometimes a useful 'tool' to address particular aspects of the dynamic or solve problems (Such as if you Own a girl who needs a cathartic event in order to feel attoned and able to accept being forgiven, even if you have solved the matter in other ways)

The relationship and D/s nature is central and underpins the entire relationship.

Certainly there where times in the 10 years I was with My ex-wife where the play rather slid into the background for stretches of time. The dynamic between us never did it was simply how we related to each other and our respective 'roles' within the relationship.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 11

RE: D/S without the "Scening" - 5/2/2007 5:43:47 PM

szobras

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Joined: 9/18/2006
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MadRabbit, as MasterFireMaam had said, and at one time I was under the impression that to have one requires the other. As like you, I have little desire for S/M. Personally. I find both D/s and BDSM are also erotic and sexual for me.
I found myself asking the same questions. I have felt the exact thing you described. What I came up with some time ago was that the amount of desire, and proportion of my active participation in D/s and BDSM , was not a defining factor of "Me". Simply how I have chosen to integrate them into my life.

< Message edited by szobras -- 5/2/2007 5:50:36 PM >

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 12

RE: D/S without the "Scening" - 5/2/2007 7:23:55 PM

hawkwolf7

Posts: 85
Joined: 10/24/2004
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Hey MadRabbit...

I understand your frustration. Here's a couple of new "supposed tos" you might consider.

You should never feel like you have to scene.

Not for your partner, not for your BDSM community. If you hang out at a public dungeon, hang out, watch the other scenes, or chat with your friends. And remember that one of the cool things about a D/s fetish is that it doesn't require any equipment or a play space... just two (or more) people. You can't scene 24/7, but you can do D/s 24/7.

Relationships should be fulfilling for both partners.

The bottom line is when this should is violated the relationship will (and probably should) end. Try to find a submissive who's masochism needs match your sadism needs. In the long run, you aren't doing your partner any favors by sacrificing your needs.

You should feel free to do D/s scenes.

There's no rule that says that a scene must include a flogger or a single-tail. You can us a cross if it works for you, but that isn't a requirement. I've seen some great D/s scenes at the dungeon that took entirely in the social area.

You should ignore the BDSM nazis.

It is unfortunately true that every sub-culture includes members that will be only too happy to tell you that there is only one way. But, theres no rule that says these people are right.

Best of luck!
HawkWolf

_____________________________

p.s. Everything I write is simply one person's opinion: mine. Feel free to take what is useful and blow off the rest.

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 13

RE: D/S without the "Scening" - 5/2/2007 9:13:18 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

Its hard to present this issue as a question since on introspection, the reason why I am posting is to find some validation or support for how I am fealing.

My main fetish has always been control and my main interest in BDSM has always been D/S and power based relationships.

I consider myself to be a sadist, but its not that large of a desire. Rather small when compared to sex in general.

My interest in the "play" and "scening" aspect of BDSM has been constantly disapearing.

When I ask myself "Why?", the answer I come up with is all the scenes and play I have done, I have felt I wasnt doing it for me. When I think back on them, I felt more like I was performing for the erotic pleasure and desire of the submissive and not really for myself.

Have any other dominants ever felt this way or feal this way toward the "play" aspect?

When we do a scene, it's something we both enjoy. He directs it where he wants it to go, and he has no problem telling me he isn't in the mood. However, sometimes he will do a scene that is very directed towards what turns me on. These tend to be gifts, for being very very good over a period of time, for my birthday or other occasion, or just as random treat.

Scenes are actually pretty rare here, for a number of factors. He's got to be in the right mood, I've got to be in a good place emotionally, we have to have the energy, the time, etc.... Perhaps you have felt pressured to do scenes when you really weren't up for it? I understand that they are emotionally draining for both sides. Or maybe you just aren't into the role-play, the floggings or whatever. Not everybody is after all.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 5/2/2007 9:16:21 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

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(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 14

RE: D/S without the "Scening" - 5/2/2007 9:56:28 PM

aSlavesLife

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Joined: 12/1/2006
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I went through the same thing early on, and decided that it was not for me. I do what pleases me, not my partner, and so learned to look for partners that expected this outlook. Too many of the self proclaimed subs expect their alleged doms to jump through hoops for them, and will even ramble on about how they, not the dominant, are really in control. I avoid those bottoms like the plague. It has always made the search a little harder, but quality always trumps quantity.

I want and need the control aspect, and so never got into a scene with people. I found it far more rewarding to find those that thrived on being controlled than to play with the ones that only wanted the floggers brought out when they wanted to play. The mental is more enduring for me than the physical anyway.

_____________________________

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Post #: 15

RE: D/S without the "Scening" - 5/3/2007 2:36:36 AM

Copulo

Posts: 268
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline

I make BDSM furniture, I run a club thats full of BDSM equipment but do I desire to use the stuff? Only if Im testing it out!
People often say to me ‘we notice you don’t play’ and my answer is always the same, ‘on the equipment you mean? No, I don’t need it and I put it here for your benefit’.
My mind is my tool.

Danny

(in reply to aSlavesLife)

Post #: 16

RE: D/S without the "Scening" - 5/3/2007 6:44:04 AM

Archer

Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
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I'm going to run against the grain a little here and give another perspective on Physical scene play and D/s.

There are hidden lessons in SM play, reasons to do it outside the fun Sadistic pleasures and the subspace pleasures of a Masochist.

Pain breaks down barriers, has been used to bridge the gap in spiritual practices, can be used to teach lessons of self discipline, finding that limits the bottom thinks are at point C are actually at point G.

Maybe if you take a different tact on the idea of SM scenes you'll find a reason that serves your purposes.
Start a scene only when you have a goal for the scene, what result are you trying to achieve and why?
Then at least you will have something you are getting from the scene.

(in reply to Copulo)

Post #: 17

RE: D/S without the "Scening" - 5/3/2007 7:43:31 AM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

quote:

Maybe if you take a different tact on the idea of SM scenes you'll find a reason that serves your purposes.

As an example of this idea, I may be wired similarly to MadRabbit in being oriented more toward D/s and control, so I view SM scenes as experiences in control instead of sadism. It's my choice for when and what we'll do, and I'm aiming for a certain reaction too. The kick for me doesn't come directly from enjoying another's pain, but rather from her submission to it or in touching something in her that keeps her head where I want it.

I first dipped my toes in the SM water out of a sense of "I should do this" and then found that was my reaction to it. However, while others dive into the water I'm probably only into it up to my ankle, and that's plenty for me. It's just another tool in the kit, and something to do for variety when I'm not indulging my control kink with ropes. YMMV.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Archer)

Post #: 18

RE: D/S without the "Scening" - 5/3/2007 7:54:00 AM

DianeB269

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Joined: 10/30/2006
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I love scening. I alway take photos or video of every play session.

Diane

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 19

RE: D/S without the "Scening" - 5/3/2007 8:19:53 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

You are asking a rather broad question

What do I "get" from doing all this work?
How can I best express what I want?
How can I "play/scene" with D/s/
Who am I?

1 and 4 are related. I struggled with who I was in the scene for a host of reasons. I am not the slut I could be or that some hoped I would be. I am a control freak. I am nurturing. I can at times be a hard task master. I like to "fix" my little girls. I played with it all, I had a little Japanese themed harem at one point, played UberDom for a while, etc. Then for ME I found being a daddy hit just the right note, what will work for you I have no idea.

2. How to get what you want means getting inside yourself and dealing with your demons and deciding how best to make you happy. Some issues you slay, others you simply feed. For me, I took a long time to find the ability to ask for the things that feed my soft underbelly but when I learned to do that I was a much more happy and contented man. Asking your woman to say the things you need to hear or do the little things that make you feel content was far harder for me that ordering someone to lick the cum out of their cunt or allow me to piss in their mouth. However, on some levels it was those little things that made me end the day on a high note, let me sleep more contentedly, made the mornings seem crisper and the light brighter.

3. When I first entered the scene I hate all words like play, scene, or role. They didn't have any depth to me, I don't play, I don't scene and I don't play a role. However, the words work and I became comfortable with them. So bear with me if they grate when you hear them. I hated floggers because to me the entire scene was backards, the top doing all the work, the bottom recieving all this sensual senation (I know, some flogging isn't sensual but most is) and to me, if anyone is going to lay there and get a massage, it ought to be me! Anyway, I found ways to do D/s scenes at events because I love playing in public and I was simply going to force my way in. Bring someone in a ball gag to an event and use them as a table the entire time. Trust me, that simple act will have you flying on many levels. It is a hot fantasy for many, some can even do it for a bit but to NEVER speak at an event and to ONLY be used as an object takes a very very special couple to do. I often don't bother bringing toys and simply play using just my body, hair, nails, hot breath, teeth, the weight of your body, hands over mouths, the possibilities are endless AND you are directly connected to your partner.

Another thing to play with are guided fantasies. Whispering things into your submissives ear about what you will do to her can be very hot. It is also the place to "force" her to do things that are limits or fears. Done well it can be as hot or hotter than any scene, think phonesex but in person with hot flesh there for the taking.

(in reply to DianeB269)

Post #: 20

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