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RE: On saying the "L" word... - 5/4/2007 3:57:21 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears

i am not sure what the fear is in saying "i love you" to someone.  If you feel it but don't verbalize it, that doesn't mean if the person you loves doesn't return the sentiment it will be any less painful. 


The "fear" isn't in actually saying it, it's the fear of the reaction of the one you said it TO.  There are quite a few who react to hearing "I love you" like the proverbial sound of the needle being jerked off the record, especially if they were only in the relationship for fun.  Hearing "I love you" suddenly arouses feelings of responsibility that they may not want at that moment, so it sends them packing.

Now that was nicely stated

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Profile   Post #: 41
RE: On saying the "L" word... - 5/4/2007 4:08:49 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you!

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Profile   Post #: 42
RE: On saying the "L" word... - 5/4/2007 4:12:43 AM   
subsfaith


Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysblondie
So my question is, how do you all feel about saying I Love you. Is it really the "kiss of death" in any relationship for the woman to say it first? Should a sub/slave NEVER be the first one in the relationship to say it first?



I first said 'I love you Sir' when I felt it.  Two years later he caught up with me, sat me down and told me that he was in love with me too.  There were times me divulging my love made him feel uncomfortable, however we did talk about how it would be dishonest if I supressed those words.

For a woman to say it first, I don't see it as the kiss of death, only in those folks who are insecure in the first place maybe.

As for the sub/slave should never say it?  I must have missed that lecture.  What a load of crap!  It is each to their.

:: smiles ::

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Profile   Post #: 43
RE: On saying the "L" word... - 5/4/2007 6:45:42 AM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		i understand the fear is in being rejected if you admit to loving them.  But the fact of the matter remains you still love them and have the dilema that it may not be reciprocated, not verbalizing it doesn't make it go away was my only point. 

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Profile   Post #: 44
RE: On saying the "L" word... - 5/4/2007 7:28:52 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I know the fear, but I still say it.

With my partner, he was giving me a back massage and I just realized that it was there- it was a real shock to me actually.  And I rolled over and asked what he would say if I told him I loved him.  He was a bit shocked as well and said that he would have to say he loved me too.

Once we got over the initial shock, we didn't come up for air for the rest of the weekend. 

That's an example of a good ending, I've also had not good endings.

But really, if it's there and you don't say it (appropriately), then it pretty much throws out the notion of being fully honest and open and communicative.

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Profile   Post #: 45
RE: On saying the "L" word... - 5/4/2007 8:20:37 AM   
daniL


Posts: 46
Joined: 4/12/2007
Status: offline 		For me, I had a weird situation. I said I love you to my girl first, but it was before we had been together, before I realized I was in to D/s, before she had mentioned any of that, and it had been before I even considered a relationship between us as an option. I've always been the type to believe that if you love a person, you tell them. I'm guilty of saying I love you before I realized I said it, because the feeling was that strong. I say I love her when I feel it, which is often, and I've never regretted letting her know that-- even during a very long off period we had a little while back.

You say it when you feel comfortable. I understand where the weirdness of a sub saying it first if the intentions of the D/s were not long term. It's also a little more difficult to say those words in a relationship that focuses on a power imbalance, and saying those words are scary enough to begin with. As a dom, though, I would say there is nothing I love hearing more than those words coming from my girl.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: On saying the "L" word... - 5/4/2007 8:52:20 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		On the other hand, saying those three little words out loud isn't the only way to convey the emotion.

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You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

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Profile   Post #: 47
RE: On saying the "L" word... - 5/4/2007 9:56:59 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

Sounds like youve been treated to a "rule book" that others may not of seen.
suggestion: unless that rule book is linked to the dominant who wrote it for you and them, ditch it. IT will piss your Dom off no end, to have someone elses rules obeyed.
little1


Actually, that rule book should be thrown out after a commitment is made (like being someone's submissive), but precommitment, it is actually a good idea not to get too carried away with someone you do not even know yet.... just sayin not all those rules in the rules are bad because some women do not have enough self esteem to keep boundaries in places until they have a reason to let them down

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Profile   Post #: 48
RE: On saying the "L" word... - 5/4/2007 11:30:21 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		If you're that controlled by your fear, you shouldn't be in a relationship. If all your relationships ended because you confessed to loving the other person, the problem isn't love but in the fact that you're picking the wrong people for a partner. Time to do some work on yourself.

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Profile   Post #: 49
RE: On saying the "L" word... - 5/4/2007 11:32:14 AM   
gwendolyn


Posts: 188
Joined: 7/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears

i am not sure what the fear is in saying "i love you" to someone.  If you feel it but don't verbalize it, that doesn't mean if the person you loves doesn't return the sentiment it will be any less painful. 


The "fear" isn't in actually saying it, it's the fear of the reaction of the one you said it TO.  There are quite a few who react to hearing "I love you" like the proverbial sound of the needle being jerked off the record, especially if they were only in the relationship for fun.  Hearing "I love you" suddenly arouses feelings of responsibility that they may not want at that moment, so it sends them packing.



I could not agree with you more. I can clearly remember the first time I told Master that I loved him. Or wrote it, rather. -laughs- I was terrified of making an ass of myself, so I sat down and wrote him a heartfelt letter that apparently scared the living crap out of him until he got to the point. I do admit I've got a tendency to ramble aimlessly, especially on the subject of emotion. I had been bottling up the emotions for weeks in fear of rejection. But I finally came to the conclusion that if I didn't say it, I was denying myself to opportunity for happiness and denying him the opportunity to respond. (Which he did, thank the PTB.) Just my two cents, though. And now I'm broke.


Gwen

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And don't say my strength and daring.
'cause now I think I'm at your mercy;
And it's my first time for this kind of thing.

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Profile   Post #: 50
RE: On saying the "L" word... - 5/4/2007 11:46:30 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		I rarely say * I love you* to M and he's never said it to me. It's such a clumsy word; inadequate in most cases and far too loaded for others, without lashings of definition. I'd rather people SEE how I feel and decide for themselves whether, or how I love them. Their definition of it is what matters, really, for me, anyway.

agirl

(in reply to daddysblondie)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: On saying the "L" word... - 5/4/2007 12:17:22 PM   
BeingChewsie


Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline 		This is me too. I told him I loved him when I felt it, he explained to me that he did not love me but did care for me deeply. Years later it is still the same, I occasionally feel it well up and I do tell him. He says "Thank you, that is very sweet of you" or something like that. He has never said it to me but I feel loved.

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

I rarely say * I love you* to M and he's never said it to me. It's such a clumsy word; inadequate in most cases and far too loaded for others, without lashings of definition. I'd rather people SEE how I feel and decide for themselves whether, or how I love them. Their definition of it is what matters, really, for me, anyway.

agirl



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Profile   Post #: 52
RE: On saying the "L" word... - 5/4/2007 4:05:46 PM   
completenz


Posts: 315
Joined: 1/10/2007
Status: offline 		hi
i said it first, with tears of joy in my eyes. He instantly replied that He loved me too and over a year later we are still saying it with our voices and behavior.
We are getting married next Feb so, yes, there are times it can work.
hugs
c

(in reply to daddysblondie)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: On saying the "L" word... - 5/4/2007 4:44:31 PM   
Einzelganger


Posts: 221
Joined: 4/8/2007
From: Orlando, FL
Status: offline 		I'm very shy in person, and not nearly as well-spoken vocally or over the phone as I am in writing, so I usually end up holding it back until it drives me crazy, and I'll never say it if I think the feeling isn't mutual; nothing like losing a friend just because I dropped the L bomb when it wasn't welcome.  However, that's one of those words that means alot to me, so I don't say it to someone unless I do a little searching and make sure it isn't just a passing fancy or a crush or something.

-Einzelgänger

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Profile   Post #: 54
RE: On saying the "L" word... - 5/4/2007 8:25:10 PM   
Halley


Posts: 51
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline 		I totally agree with Lordand master! Had to edit this twice, I didn't really know how to work the quote box.




quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

I think farting is a pretty good indicator of when you're in love.  I divide relationships into pre-fart and post-fart.  If you haven't yet farted in front of someone, I'm not sure you can really say you love him or her.

< Message edited by Halley -- 5/4/2007 8:27:31 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 55
RE: On saying the "L" word... - 5/5/2007 12:10:20 AM   
corsetgirl


Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

If you're that controlled by your fear, you shouldn't be in a relationship. If all your relationships ended because you confessed to loving the other person, the problem isn't love but in the fact that you're picking the wrong people for a partner. Time to do some work on yourself.


Celeste:

If that was meant for me, I am working on myself as I am taking a break and discovering areas of what I want and don't want out of a relationship. I am also finding out that it is not so bad being comfortable with my own freedom.

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Profile   Post #: 56
RE: On saying the "L" word... - 5/5/2007 5:23:13 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears

i am not sure what the fear is in saying "i love you" to someone.  If you feel it but don't verbalize it, that doesn't mean if the person you loves doesn't return the sentiment it will be any less painful. 


The "fear" isn't in actually saying it, it's the fear of the reaction of the one you said it TO.  There are quite a few who react to hearing "I love you" like the proverbial sound of the needle being jerked off the record, especially if they were only in the relationship for fun.  Hearing "I love you" suddenly arouses feelings of responsibility that they may not want at that moment, so it sends them packing.


One person's *love* is another's *rather fond of* or *deep affection*. It's quite strange how people feel responsible for other's emotions. Not many people get the heeby jeebies when someone says *I'm really rather fond of you*. It's quite curious how afraid we can be that someone doesn't mirror how we feel and in a way, quite ridiculous.

The word *love* is so over-used and so badly applied, that it's seen as a threat, alongside being something most hope and wish for. The same doesn't happen with words like *fond*. We are rarely afraid to say * I'm fond of you* or wonder whether someone is fond of US.

agirl







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Profile   Post #: 57
RE: On saying the "L" word... - 5/5/2007 9:07:28 AM   
shyinini


Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline 		Love is hard, Possession is worse.
Love is hatred, Possession is a poison
Love is fucking worthless, Possession be damned
Love is blind and lost; Possession is a terror
Love is not a safe place, Possession, inescapable.
Possess me and i will try not to love You.

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.


(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: On saying the "L" word... - 5/5/2007 9:14:42 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		on our first meeting, when he told me that he had a vasectomy, i told him that i loved him

on a more serious note:
i tell people everyday how i feel about them, when i feel it; that way, should something happen to either one of us in the next second, i can die knowing that i never left anything unsaid that should have been.

(in reply to daddysblondie)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: On saying the "L" word... - 5/5/2007 10:03:52 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		agirl,
It's not that the word "love" is overused so much as that in English those four little letters are supposed to mean so many different meanings. There are other languages who are much more sensible about this, having different words for many different kinds of love.

Since we are stuck with one word, it is important that when you tell someone you love them, you back that up with some description of what that means to you.

Otherwise I am with the group that feels one should say it if one feels it. If the worst results and that sentiment is not returned, that does not cheapen your love at all. And really, isn't it better to know sooner rather than waiting years before finding out the other is never going to love you in return?

Finally, a Dominant who knows their stuff often knows how their sub feels before the sub ever admits it to them, and possibly even before they admit it to themselves. If one does admit to love and the Dominant is surprised, that would be a concern for me; they are not focused on you as they should be.

Not that every fetish relationship has to have love involved, but from reading these forums and talking to a lot of people, most seem to want and need love to be part of their relationship.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

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Profile   Post #: 60
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