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D/s in a vanilla world! - 5/5/2005 2:35:37 PM

CelticPrince

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Joined: 4/15/2005
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How much Vanilla can a D/s relationship take?

Many of us on the path have had or are having a full time D/s relationship.
We live in a vanilla world and we always will, but those that go real time are faced with a problem. / How to preclude vanilla from from gaining too much of a foot hold in day to day living.

How long before the "magic" of D/s becomes muted by day to day pressures that are delat with in a vanilla manner.

For myself, it has happened twice and I always look inward for some fault handling on my end! was I too democratic, or not enuff?

Just thoughts of CP, any other input?

CP

Post #: 1

RE: D/s in a vanilla world! - 5/5/2005 3:24:52 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

How long before the "magic" of D/s becomes muted by day to day pressures that are delat with in a vanilla manner.

What is vanilla? What is D/s?
Is it vanilla when you are ordered to pay the bill's even though it is the part of the month you hate the most, plus you have a partner who is fully capable of doing just that?

Is it vanilla to take care of your dom when they are feeling down? Is it vanilla for a dom to be human?
I think the answer to your question lies within yourself. What exactly are the definitions to you.
My dom tells me what to wear each day. Tells me when to get up each day. Essentially he manages a good chunk of my day that is not associated with my work.
Is it vanilla or D/s to do just that?
I think that if you are happy with your partner you can make things work. Yep, life gets in the way at times. You can't play 24 hours a day 7 days a week it just is not possible no matter how much you would like it to be.
For us, we've been together a little over 6 year's now. Yes, sometimes things seem a bit more vanilla but we always get the relationship back onto an even keel after the issues are over.

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 2

RE: D/s in a vanilla world! - 5/5/2005 3:28:43 PM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
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I will be honest and say that your post confused me.

I would need to ask, what is 'vanilla' to you?

Peace and Love

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 3

RE: D/s in a vanilla world! - 5/5/2005 3:29:08 PM

BobcatsLilMinx

Posts: 201
Joined: 4/8/2005
From: UK
Status: offline

Master and I have a very "vanilla" relationship in some ways... Being in a 24/7, you can't ALWAYS be scening... and from my own point of view, there are times in life when being submissive just isn't an option, or I have to take the initiative in something, instead of waiting for him to come along so that I can consult him. Although of course I try to use my best judgement, and see what he would prefer me to do... We are a functioning couple, hoping one day to have children too. We both have problems, we talk and chat, and care about how each other's day has been.

What works for me is basic routine. When we go out in the car by ourselves, for something horribly vanilla, like shopping, he keeps me on my leash til we arrive at the destination. Every night, in the privacy of our bedroom, he leashes me to the bed, and I sleep usually in my wrist and ankle cuffs. I kneel on the floor beside him, rather than sit with him (and that can be done so casually, even vanilla people don't notice it that much). When eating, I wait for him to start before I begin my own meal, or if we are alone, I might ask permission to begin, if he doesn't seem in a hurry to, and I am hungry!!

There are just hundreds of little tiny things - they do nothing more than remind both of us daily who is the Master, and who is the slave, but it keeps that distinction alive... And then our relationship can take all the vanilla it needs to... Curled up in bed at the end of the day, that chain is a firm and very real reminder of my place at his feet.

Respectfully,
Minx

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 4

RE: D/s in a vanilla world! - 5/5/2005 3:33:59 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
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Truth to tell, I don't entirely see the difference between "vanilla" and "d/s" in my relationship. Is the part where I call him "woogie" vanilla? The part where we buy cat food? THe part where he orders for me in resturants? The part where I cook dinner?

There are real world considerations in -any- relationship. Even without power exchange you have to accomidate the house cleaning and all that, which really isn't romantic, even in a vanilla sense.

Like someone else said, it isn't "sceening" all the time. I guess the "magic" is in his seemless assumption of controll in any situation when it pleases him.

I dunno....

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to BobcatsLilMinx)

Post #: 5

RE: D/s in a vanilla world! - 5/5/2005 3:53:13 PM

subcheryl

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Joined: 11/2/2004
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My Master and I are going thru one of those phases right now, due to outside pressures of living, his job, the bills and such. We have been concetrating on communication, and I have been trying to be supportive of him, making his home a haven to come to at the end of his day. The "vanilla" world is always beyond the door, but when that door closes it is just your world, BobcatsLilMinx, I liked your description of the little things you do to remind you of your position when things get crazy, will try some of them myself or suggest them to Master, and that may help us both thru the waves at the moment. Sorry if I was rambling, guess just trying to say that life is always going to throw us curve balls, it is how we deal with them, whether they knock us out of the game or we score a home run and keep on going.

(in reply to BobcatsLilMinx)

Post #: 6

RE: D/s in a vanilla world! - 5/5/2005 4:10:58 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
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The control, domination is always there? The submission is always there? Its in you, its in your partner. Even in daily vanilla life. Its still there.

and when its not you_will_truely_ know

(in reply to subcheryl)

Post #: 7

RE: D/s in a vanilla world! - 5/5/2005 5:13:21 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
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You already have your answers from some very practical and intelligent submissives. I looked at your profile, and maybe you are having a problem because you describe yourself as "Old Guard" ? What is your mindset? What is your definition of vanilla?
We can't play all the time, but D/s can be 24/7. Because it is a constant, albeit at times subtle, dynamic.
I have always said it is not what is being done. It is how , why and by whom. We all have to do the day to day stuff. Adapt yourself and allow the D/s to flow through. It shouldn't be a problem.

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 8

RE: D/s in a vanilla world! - 5/5/2005 5:16:37 PM

siamsa24

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Joined: 2/2/2004
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Someone recently asked me what percentage of my life was vanilla and what percentage was lifestyle. I told him the same thing that I am going to tell you. I am who I am all the time, when I'm doing homework, shopping, with my partner, and when I'm sleeping. I don't change. If I'm "vanilla" then so be it, if I am happy with where I am then no one has the right to judge me.

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 9

RE: D/s in a vanilla world! - 5/5/2005 7:52:42 PM

Rayne58

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline

Master and I have lived together for 15 months and are going to be married in the future. He has chronic health problems and I am His official carer. So I am serving Him 24/7 but I don't always have a "subbie" attitude, He prefers me to speak up and be a bit cheeky and bratty sometimes

He is recovering from peritonitis and also has the flu at the moment so things are not as we would like them to be right now. I have found that I have to take charge of things because sometimes He is just not up to it. Does that make us a vanilla couple? I say not because I see it as my responsibility to see that we have enough of the right food in the house, that He gets His medication on time, that the bills are paid and the house is clean. It means that He does not have to worry and can concentrate on getting Himself well again.

Much as we would like to there is no way we can be Master/sub 24/7 but the D/s part is definitely there all the time

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 10

RE: D/s in a vanilla world! - 5/6/2005 6:20:41 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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For us Ms is not WHAT we do, but HOW we do it.

80% of the time, I look just like any other vanilla person you would meet, with perhaps the exception of having several dates at once.

Ms is the structure which guides everything, it can fit into EVERY situation. It is not a set of rules- it is one guiding principle, I am owned, he is the Owner.

This can work in anything, anywhere, with anyone. We don't have to worry about where we are to know WHO we are and HOW to relate to eachother.

(in reply to Rayne58)

Post #: 11

RE: D/s in a vanilla world! - 5/6/2005 3:09:41 PM

Kinkypupper

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline

They cannot co-exist.
Regardless of how much both partys want it.. it will not.

Been there done that. Am still sorry for it. But I understand it.

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 12

RE: D/s in a vanilla world! - 5/6/2005 3:45:04 PM

LadyAngelika

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Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kinkypupper

They cannot co-exist.
Regardless of how much both partys want it.. it will not.

Been there done that. Am still sorry for it. But I understand it.

They cannot co-exist? So are you planning to relocate to Mars? As last time I checked, we were living in a very conservative world.

I tend to have thoughts very aligned with EmeraldSlave on this one. I don't do M/s, but rather D/s, but I echo that it's less about WHAT I do, and more about HOW I do it. I think WIITWD can be fully integrated and can pass because we live in a world where human communication is about negotiation and in negotiation there is always a power exchange. And in every couple there is a power-exchange or tension.

Now if you would ask does S&M fit in a vanilla world or does Bondage fit in a vanilla world, I'd say it would be harder to camouflage, but not impossible. I once went out for dinner and dancing with a very thin roped karada under my dress.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Kinkypupper)

Post #: 13

RE: D/s in a vanilla world! - 5/6/2005 9:29:40 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

i agree Angelika....

they do co exsist. It can be intergrated

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 14

RE: D/s in a vanilla world! - 5/8/2005 6:18:33 AM

Blk4u2

Posts: 45
Joined: 3/8/2005
Status: offline

I feel the same way. Unless you can afford to not work and interact with those of the vanilla world, or work in the adult BDSM industry....There just is no avoiding mixing D/S and the vanilla worlds.

(in reply to Rayne58)

Post #: 15

RE: D/s in a vanilla world! - 5/8/2005 7:09:12 AM

ScooterTrash

Posts: 1407
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline

Oh yes, I also believe they can co-exist..lightly shaken, not stirred..lol. They have to actually. We are very open about our lifestyle choices but at the same time, we do know when to define what they see in "nilla" terms, it makes the world much easier for vanilla folks to digest if they don't have to accept that their way, is not the only way.

_____________________________

Formal symbolic representation of qualitative entities is doomed to its rightful place of minor significance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
-Albert Einstein

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 16

RE: D/s in a vanilla world! - 5/8/2005 8:00:29 PM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

How much Vanilla can a D/s relationship take?

Many of us on the path have had or are having a full time D/s relationship.
We live in a vanilla world and we always will, but those that go real time are faced with a problem. / How to preclude vanilla from from gaining too much of a foot hold in day to day living.

How long before the "magic" of D/s becomes muted by day to day pressures that are delat with in a vanilla manner.

For myself, it has happened twice and I always look inward for some fault handling on my end! was I too democratic, or not enuff?

Just thoughts of CP, any other input?

CP

Your post kind of confused me. IMO, D/s is a structure by which two people communicate their affection for each other in way that works best for them. I guess that doesn't sound very magical or romantic, but I think it's true.

What's your definition of vanilla? Is grocery shopping vanilla? Are all the mundane little things reality requires of us vanilla? I don't think that's vanilla, that's just normal. We're are all reasonably ;) normal and have to do those unromantic little tasks like taxes and grocery shopping.

D/s relationships cannot be all whips, chains, and commands. A submissive might have to spend five or so minutes away from their Dominant in the real world.

Is your relationship not kinky enough for you? Do you feel like your Dominant is losing power? If you do those are problems in your relationship you need to communicate to him. From your post, it kind of sounds like you are having to make more decisions than you feel comfortable with and that is definitely something that needs to be discussed with your partner.

Sometimes relationships and power exchanges don't last forever. I guess you just have to choose what's right for you.

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 17

RE: D/s in a vanilla world! - 5/9/2005 9:41:43 AM

Emmmrld

Posts: 57
Joined: 4/21/2005
From: Las Vegas, Nevada
Status: offline

I understand what you are saying. However, I would venture to guess you just have not found a partner that compliments your life.

I have a variety of friends in the community. Those of us who are what I would consider actual life stylers have learned how to balance life with our sexual proclivities.

D/s is no different than a vanilla relationship in many senses. The house still needs to get cleaned, if there are kids they still need to be fed, and the bills must get paid. If you are dominant and your gf/wife who is submissive to you gets into a car accident and you need to do the things that she normally does, does that make her less submissive or you less dominant? HELL NO! It means you are two people who care and value each other and are handling life as it comes.

Life is not fantasyland. It's nice to day dream or have a weekend of being totally submerged into D/s. But what makes or breaks a relationship, IMHO, is the other stuff. The going to movies, holding my hand, watching TV, having friends/family over, etc. Your kinks can match up great but what if there is no personality to that person? Besides if you go to the movies, doesn't he get to pick? ;)

Donna Reed and June Cleaver while they are TV characters they were role models for women and what role they were expected to play in a marriage / household. If you can't see submissive and D/s there then I don't know how else to explain it. Traditional old fashioned values are very D/s in nature. ;)

Relationships - regardless of their sexual bent - take work from both parties. I think that is a common misnomer that people over look when engaging in D/s.

I think that finding a partner who is well balanced in all aspects of life help ensure the success of D/s.

Emerald

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 18

RE: D/s in a vanilla world! - 5/9/2005 12:10:58 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

How much Vanilla can a D/s relationship take?

Many of us on the path have had or are having a full time D/s relationship.
We live in a vanilla world and we always will, but those that go real time are faced with a problem. / How to preclude vanilla from from gaining too much of a foot hold in day to day living.

How long before the "magic" of D/s becomes muted by day to day pressures that are delat with in a vanilla manner.

For myself, it has happened twice and I always look inward for some fault handling on my end! was I too democratic, or not enuff?

Just thoughts of CP, any other input?

CP

If you define a D/s relationship as one that one sex has most/all control of day to day matters, I'd argue there are plenty of vanilla relationships that function the exact same way. What about the guy who married a very controlling woman who dictates how the money is spent, what the daily activities are and when/if sex is going to happen? His friends would call him "pussy whipped" but I don't think anyone would label them as BDSM material.

Is the "role" you play in your relationship what defines you as a D/s couple?

Am I not a lifestyler because as far as relationship issues go (money, social activities, initiating sex, career moves, minor debates) I'm fairly equal with my partner? Of course, I have a room full of bondage & s&m gear that rivals many pro femdoms and I use them all quite often -- in situations where my partner really has no say regarding what we do or how long it lasts. That's all my time.

Vanilla doesn't "get in the way" of my bdsm desires at all. We live a functional relationship in all matters, it's just a side note that I tend to get frisky, sadistic, lustful and need my femdom "fix" every few days. Signs of it sneak out all the time in the way I flirt. Sometimes, an entire 24 hour period might go by that I don't show much signs of it at all; other times, an entire weekend might go by and the "vanilla" me is nowhere to be seen. Luckily, we keep to ourselves during that time period.

I don't worry much what people want to label me or what I do. I know it works for me. I know I don't have the time or energy to micromanage my partner in addition to the ins and outs of regular life.

I'm not dominant 100% of the time in bed, or 100% of the time in my life with my partner. But when I am dominant, I am 100% dominant for whatever period of time that may be -- and that's the mix that works for me. I am clearly the more aggressive partner in all aspects of life, but I am open to compromise especially when it benefits us as a whole.

And while I might not be dominant all the time, I'm never submissive -- but there's a lot of area in between.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 19

RE: D/s in a vanilla world! - 5/16/2005 11:03:16 AM

SirSTRYKER

Posts: 284
Joined: 8/15/2004
Status: offline

quote:

There are real world considerations in -any- relationship. Even without power exchange you have to accomidate the house cleaning and all that, which really isn't romantic, even in a vanilla sense.

Well said indeed. Life does not beging or end in the bedroom, or dungeon. Bills must be paid, work must be done, the fucking house...someone has to clean it and cut the grass and wash the car. Being in ANY relationship is WORK!!!

_____________________________

B.O.H.I.C.A. (bend over here it comes again.)

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 20

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