RE: Formation of dominants and submissives (Full Version)

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ICGsteve -> RE: Formation of dominants and submissives (5/7/2007 2:46:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael


Oh trust me I have done this and she has gotten better over the years.  However, I learned my self centeredness from her and while I have broken mine down considerably, hers is still pretty much intact.  We were having the above sort of question when I mentioned that "you know mom on some very real level, when you get angry, I get scared" and she laughed at that.  I mean who could imagine a son having any sort of fear of his mother?  Yeah right.  I push when and where I can but I can't force her to grow and trust me, she isn't interested in much growth at the moment.



I have spent a lot of time in the childhood sexual abuse community and one thing I take away is that in healing one must forget what anyone else wants. Those who want to heal have got to decide that they want to do it for themselves, and anyone who does not want to come along for the ride is left behind. Basically the mindset of the one healing is "support me or screw you". Your mother not moving forward from  where she's at  is her problem, if you let her problems slow you down then shame on you.



BossyShoeBitch -> RE: Formation of dominants and submissives (5/7/2007 3:47:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

We were having the above sort of question when I mentioned that "you know mom on some very real level, when you get angry, I get scared" and she laughed at that.  I mean who could imagine a son having any sort of fear of his mother?  Yeah right.  I push when and where I can but I can't force her to grow and trust me, she isn't interested in much growth at the moment.

Again thanks for all the wonderful comments here and privately, this has been an amazing thread.

I think that on some level, most men have are still a bit afraid of their mothers and to some degree are still afraid of disappointing her..
I could be wrong.. My dad annoyed me today and I hung up on him and had zero remorse..



Arabella21 -> RE: Formation of dominants and submissives (5/7/2007 4:11:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: charlotte12

I know that for me it started as a fascination with punishment. As a young girl i enjoyed thinking about being punished. I would re-read the parts in the books when children were spanked. Later i would imagine a worse punishment such as getting whipped. When i got older and began to become aware of sexuality i would imagine sexual punishment or rape. These were my first and only sexual fantasies for a long time. I did not know about submission or bdsm.

~"charlotte"


For me it was a fantasy about being forced that snuck up on me. I remember as a kid of maybe 9 -10 when the "stranger danger" program was had started, thinking if I got kidnapped I wouldn't resist, I'd just let them have their way.

I agree this has been an amazing thread, thanks to everyone for their thoughtful and honest posts, it's really made me think.
arabella xo



SDFemDom4cuck -> RE: Formation of dominants and submissives (5/7/2007 4:20:53 PM)

quote:

We were having the above sort of question when I mentioned that "you know mom on some very real level, when you get angry, I get scared" and she laughed at that.  I mean who could imagine a son having any sort of fear of his mother?  Yeah right.  I push when and where I can but I can't force her to grow and trust me, she isn't interested in much growth at the moment.


This reminded me of an incident last fall. My um is 22 and 6'3. I'm 41 and all of 5'3. I was cooking dinner and he was sneaking in to steal chicken as it was being sauteed for chicken parmesean. I didn't even realize he was behind me as I turned around with an upraised spatula suddenly. He gave a startled "Eeep" and ran into another room. I was like...."what the hell was that about?" Now mind you I've never laid a hand on him as a disciplinary method ever but he knows not to push my buttons. He said, " You may be a shrimp Mom but you scare the hell out of me sometimes."

My reply...A little fear is a good thing sonny.

No, you can't force her to grow or to trust but you can control how you react to her refusal to do so. Her refusal also doesn't mean it has to inhibit your own personal growth or self perceptions.





cloudboy -> RE: Formation of dominants and submissives (5/7/2007 5:59:11 PM)

I'm dubious about cause-and-effect for sexual orientation, and I cannot find any direct links in my past to explain how I am.

I don't think parenting or socialization make anyone gay, lesbian, dominant, submissive, or fetishistic.

I'm with Schopenhauer's description of the "will to life," as described by Alaine de Botton,

We are, suggested Schopenhauer, split into conscious and unconscious selves, the unconscious mind governed by the will to life (sex drive), the conscious subservient to it and unable to learn of all its plans. Rather than a sovereign entity, the conscious mind is a partially sighted servant of a dominant, child obsessed will-to life.

Ergo, social factors & social adaptation tell but part of the BDSM story, if any of it at all.



WhiplashSmile -> RE: Formation of dominants and submissives (5/7/2007 6:00:11 PM)

This is an excellent thread.  The control mechanics behind my childhood are all kinds of fucked up, and in part shaped me to who I am today.

My grandparents strong handed my mother in giving me up to adoption to them.   I was only a year old.   My grandfather was very old school D/s (Pennsylvania Dutch mentality to be specific) my Grandmother was an emotional control freak with self esteem issues.  Talk about being raised in the middle of parent style conflict.   By the time I reached 3rd Grade my grandparents divorced, and my Grandmother took custody of me.   The positive D/s structure in my life disappeared literally over night.  I found myself spending a lot of quality time locked away in my bedroom, outside in the yard, or running the neighborhood.   A certain form of independence without any real authority above me.   I ended up doing what I wanted to do most of the time, with a few expections.   My Grandmother was great at using guilt trips and mind fucks as a means to exert control, this was not a good thing.   This is why I can spot guilt trips a million miles away, at least I learned something of value.

I grew up in a neighborhood where I was the kid that many neighbors had as a sort of adopted child.  Where I ended up going camping, fishing, boating and other things because my friends parents knew my life basically sucked.   I was that proverbial kid almost rasied by the 1/2 neighborhood itself.  I was an open sponge for learning and experiencing new things.  The social interaction was really great, I figured out or learned a lot. 

To this day, I tend to be a bit of a rebel.. and do what I want to do or feel is right.  There are things my Grandfather used to stress that still stick with me to this day.   One of my Aunts was a big influence in my life, it got to a point I spent more time at her house than at home even.

I have this thing about rebeling against Control Freaks, be it Emotional Guilt trips or because I told you to do it.  My grandfather was not good at explaining things, just telling one what to do or else.   I actually dispise and don't deal well with control freaks at all..

There are many ways my childhood impacted upon who I am today without question.  I do play well with other Dom personalities provided guilt trips and other low ball tactics are not deployed.   I enjoy Dom think tanks for debates and figuring shit out.   In terms of Control Freak Doms, Oh Lord... I can't bite my tounge and play along nice at all.    If I am biting my tounge it's for the sake of keeping peace while I find the exit for the door...

I think my grandparents were great learning examples of what not to do in terms of Leading or Doming anybody. LOL

There is another side to my story, I posted on the "how has BDSM helped you" thread awhile back.  It deals with abuse in my childhood years as well.  Along with being exposed to wonderful southern Prejudice for being born a Yankee..  I had a lot on my plate growing up as a kid, and not really anybody there to show me the way.  I had to find strenght within myself to deal with and take control of my life and deal with people around me and issues.  I did not have mommy and daddy to run home to protect my ass. 



Celeste43 -> RE: Formation of dominants and submissives (5/7/2007 7:15:15 PM)

Nothing to do with family of origin issues here. Instead I think it's because I suffered from depression from a year or two prior to full blown puberty until my late 20's at a time when childhood depression was not a diagnosis and no treatment existed.

It's just really difficult to be in charge when you struggle to get out of bed in the morning. Life was simply easier for me if I didn't have to make decisions, but just follow along in a preset course.

These days of course, it's familiar and familiar is always easier. The difference is that now I've learned enough to choose a good dominant instead of an insecure control freak who wanted what he wanted and didn't want the responsibilities that come with making decisions. As I know I've said before, The Man wants the responsibilities as much as he wants the privileges.



slaveish -> RE: Formation of dominants and submissives (5/7/2007 8:26:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

We often hear that submissives are formed from abusive parents and I think many of us have seen enough examples to know that, while common, certainly isn't universal.  So my question for submissives is how many of you had parents who didn't provide structure, who didn't provide boundaries or whom grew up in chaos and thus crave structure?



My mother is a passive aggressive control freak and my father was essentially absent during most of my life. I learned early to keep myself to myself, to not give outward indication of my feelings / desires, and I learned how to manipulate people. Inwardly, I craved structure, things drawn out in black and white (instead of having to guess at someone's motives / desires and to fall short of the mark), and I slobbered after positive attention. As a young adult, I learned to be very self-sufficient, very secretive about mye emotions, and I learned that promiscuity got attention (at least in tiny, if unsatisfying, doses).

Imagine my delight when Dom A stepped in. He made an off-hand remark about being a Dom and things fell into place. I didn't like being the one in control, craved structure, love to please, adore ritual, and found out that to submit is to breathe fresh clean air. The attention, while it can be wickedly and wonderfully slutty, is not promiscuous, I have to be open and honst in order to trust, and I have to trust in order to submit.

Submission, and now slavery, is awakening in me what it is to be accepted. I am open to love. I have someone to respect. It's healing old wounds and making me stronger as a submissive, a slave, and as a woman.



Aswad -> RE: Formation of dominants and submissives (5/7/2007 8:59:37 PM)

Just an initial response here, before reading the rest of the thread.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

First off, if you have to chest thump or proclaim how pure your whatever is, we have a gorean forum for that.


Not a very nice thing to say. There have been decent threads on that forum, and most of the posters there are quite reasonable. The Goreans get a lot of flak. Some of it is deserved, most of it isn't. No wonder they get all defensive and hard to talk to sometimes. Being derogatory kind of loses the high ground...

quote:

As a favor, if you choose to post in this thread, try your best to be open and genuine as well as a bit vulnerable.


Don't I always? [:D]

quote:

In my journey I have often wondered if my desire to dominate is healthy both for me and for my partner/s.


I've wondered about the same thing. Still do, sometimes. Since we started out in a vanilla relationship, the usual bit about "consequences for own choices" doesn't cover it, and I'd feel pretty bad to discover it wasn't the right way to go at some point.

quote:

I believe it isn't the act but the motivation that decides if something is or isn't healthy.


I think it's the outcome that decides if it's healthy. Jack the Ripper may have had good motives, according to some, but the outcome was negative. And the acts, along with the other party's perception of your motives, are the dominant factor in outcome.

quote:

So is my dominance simply a mask for insecurity, is it some inability to deal with the chaos of the real world? Is it perhaps some vain attempt to control someone so that I don't have to confront my issues?


Interesting questions.

I've felt insecure about some things, sometimes for extended periods of time, but not insecure in general. Could you clarify which of these you meant? As to the chaos of the real world, I've always found the chaos of the inner world to be far greater, and much harder to deal with. If you are asking whether D/s is a form of escapism, I think it can be for some, but I don't think it is for me.

Is there vanity in controlling others? Perhaps. Is vanity always a bad thing? I know there are things I am vain about, and things I am overly proud about. Do I use D/s toward this end? I don't think so, although I do like showing off my progress with neph to others on occasion; I don't think that's a bad thing, because she likes it as well, and it boosts her confidence.

As for not confronting one's own issues, I'm not sure what issues you could avoid confronting by practicing D/s. I find it forces me to confront more of my own issues, and thrusts more responsibility on me in that regard, something I don't always appreciate, but still try to deal with.

quote:

My mother is a wicked control freak. I don't react well to women who try and control me, even if it comes from a place of love and concern. So I have had to learn and still learn how to play with the role I know of being a control freak but doing so from a more and more healthy place. I am curious how true this is for others who identify as a dominant, did you have one or more controlling parent?


Freud would have a field day with D/s, but I'm not a Freudian, fortunately. [:D]

My mom had control issues, but more in the sense that she had to assert control about herself, not in the sense that she had to control others. My dad didn't use to have control issues, but recent life events have caused him to develop some; those, I react badly to. I do think he may have been slightly controlling in regard to my mother, although not to the extent that I find typical of their generation. As for me, they've always let me go my own way, offering advice along the way, but leaving the decisions to me, even when they didn't approve of my choices.

I don't respond well to people of either gender trying to control me, and never have. Some have stated that I have an authority problem, which is partially true: I don't allow people to take authority, I give them authority over me if I have a good reason to do so (e.g. in a work environment) or if I want to (e.g. because I think they're better suited to making the decisions in a given situation than I am). I also don't have a problem with taking on a submissive role for a session, sub-space and all, but I couldn't be happy living as a submissive or a slave, I'm pretty sure. At least not in any realistic scenario, or with any women I've met.

quote:

We often hear that submissives are formed from abusive parents and I think many of us have seen enough examples to know that, while common, certainly isn't universal. So my question for submissives is how many of you had parents who didn't provide structure, who didn't provide boundaries or whom grew up in chaos and thus crave structure?


My parents provided boundaries, and explained the reasons for them to me, as well as providing a modicum of structure. As far as I'm concerned, I have been blessed with the best parents and upbringing that anyone could realistically hope for, and both my sister and my friends agree about this.

For me, it's something that's always been there, although it was somewhat supressed by an extended period of severe depression.

Back in kindergarden, there were two clear "alpha males" in our section, in the sense of two males all the others deferred to. I was one of them. He recognized I had the stronger intellect, I recognized he had more physical strength, and we worked out a kind of arrangement. The others fell in line.

Upon entering school, things changed a bit. I didn't feel any sense of belonging with my peers, and instead associated with the adults when they were available, or stayed with myself or the single peer I found companionship in for the first 5 years, becoming something of a lone wolf. I'm not sure if I'd say there was any power dynamic in that relationship, as we were mostly discussing topics of mutual interest in a calm and orderly fashion. Later on, I associated with other peers, who generally deferred to me while in private; in groups, I would remain somewhat detached and apart anyway, and I can't say there was any definite dynamic there. In our equivalents of high-school and college, there was a weak "alpha" dynamic with those I associated with.

In my professional life, I've consciously avoided asserting myself in a way that was inappropriate to my position, yet I've found that I often tend to draw rapt attention when I speak at meetings. The strangest experience in this regard was when a marketing guy in one company, whose position definitely "outranked" mine, would consistently avoid direct eye contact and would look to me, as if for assurance, before addressing the people he was supposed to brief and after each point, as if seeking approval. He also behaved quite deferentially in other contexts.

Anyway, that was a bit of a detour, and perhaps a bit of vanity(?), but it goes to illustrate that I can't say that my upbringing has been a major factor in forming my interest in the dynamics of power exchange.



SweetSarijane -> RE: Formation of dominants and submissives (5/7/2007 11:09:48 PM)

I couldn't answer right away on this thread. It got me thinking and I needed to take the time to do the thinking. My upbringing was a mix of an average 2 parent household with good parents, whom I loved and respected, and who worked hard to see that our needs were provided, and extras where possible, and we knew we were loved; and the other side of the coin was sexual abuse starting around age 4. Other family members, friends of theirs and even ministers were the ones who did that to me. I learned very young to obey and try to make everyone happy however I could and it would upset me if I couldn't make everyone around me happy. Looking back I really believe that shaped my personality to quite an extent.

As an adult, I've been in 2 abusive relationships and managed one after those first 2 that was not abusive. The abuse in the first 2 relationships was verbal/emotional, sexual, and some physical as well.

In putting those relationships behind me and moving forward, healing, facing the demons, I've grown much stronger and learned so much about myself.

In discovering I am a submissive, I went through denial, misconception of what submissive is, and then began to read all I could find about that and other aspects of WIITWD and started gaining understanding and began accepting what I am as a whole person, putting the pieces together to see what the result is.

I know, I'm rambling. It's just that for me, the journey of my life to this point helped shape me and make me what I am. I think even if things had been different though that my journey would have led me to this. Who we are, in my opinion, is a combination of our wiring and life experiences.



boigirl -> RE: Formation of dominants and submissives (5/8/2007 10:24:00 AM)

I’m a switch with controlling parents. They were religious zealots. After losing my virginity I felt guilty and dirty. Being punished for my “sin” felt comforting. I was very submissive with little desire to top my partner. After being raped I had the opposite compulsion. I am no longer as comfortable as a submissive. Honestly, I feel ticked off at men and I know it’s wrong, but I want my revenge in bed. I want to feel powerful again. I wouldn’t say all my kink comes from negativity, but it is definitely a source. It’s just a creative outlet for emotional turmoil.



RavenMuse -> RE: Formation of dominants and submissives (5/8/2007 11:01:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
It is natural for me, and I suspect that my childhood had a role in that it showed me how not to dominate others -- manipulation, mindgames, attempt to guilt into action were standard operating procedure in my mother's house.


Snap! My mother was a control freak but not in any way Dominant, she simply tried to brat people into complying and if that failed she'd turn nasty with the guilt trips and attempts to undermine confidence. I've often thought there was only two ways I could have turned out.... way over on this side of the dynamic, or just as far over on the other. In that enviroment there just didn't seem to be room for any middle ground.

I was locking horns with her from age two and I guess My self-confidence was built in spite of her, with Me shaking it off, finding things inside Myself that *I* was proud of and becoming imune to outside influence on that.

Her attempts to control Me turned into a deepseated need to control Myself and a total inability just to let someone else do so. I guess how I am and what I need in a relationship stems from that too.



PrincessEllie -> RE: Formation of dominants and submissives (5/8/2007 12:46:56 PM)

I can see how some silly psychiatrist or another got this into their heads. But my personal experience with my orientation is that who you really are, Dominant or submissive, is not governed by personality or home life. I view it very much the same as being gay. You don't know why you want and need what you do, and you have no choice in the matter. You can be any age or race or gender or walk of life and still crave it. If I was going to be really mushy, I'd say it was because simple love is not enough to content us. We're greedy, and when we want someone or love someone we want all of them. I think you have to have the same mentality that I do about it though: No love without Kink, no Kink without love.

I grew up in a household that was both open and rigid in seperate areas. It was about fifty-fifty on that scale. My father's father was in the Army so a lot of the structure came from there, but my parents later became Pseudo Hippies as they hit the sixties and seventies. My personality is a very outgoing one in some ways, and I admit I'm quite a brat. All of that should indicated that I belong on top.

But honestly, being in control of a situation, and even more than that, a relationship, drives me crazy. I can't stand being the one who wears the pants, I'd like to be nude thankyouverymuch. I crave Dominance and still I am rebelous. I suppose this means  I'll finaly hook up with a brutal Master or somesuch, but from meeting me you'd think I was the one who carried the whip.

What you want is who you are, but who you are doesn't always dictate what you want.



subiugo -> RE: Formation of dominants and submissives (5/8/2007 1:42:14 PM)

This is indeed an interesting thread, thanks to all who contributed their story.
i am a male submissive. i grew up in a very 'structured' home: mum was always there, dad came home around the clock of six, dinner was ready, at at eleven o'clock everybody was sound asleep. At the same time there was no 'dominance' at home, at least not in the traditional meaning of the word. Nor my mother, nor my father were 'authorative' persons, they didn't use 'discipline' on my sister and me. So there was a lot of 'order' in the household, but everyone had to stick to that order, because there were no means to restore order once someone had 'broken the law'. For some reason me and my sister sticked to that order until we were in our early twenties, like we were afraid of what would happen if there came a small crack in that order.
i knew i was submissive from an early age. the first 'scene' i remember is that i am playing with a friend of mine at the age of four or five, on a wednesday afternoon at home. And suddenly i ask my mother who was doing some ironing: 'Mum, now we play that you are punishing me'. It must have been a strange question because i remember the surprise in the eyes of both my mother and my friend.  Why  a five year old boy asks that question? Is it because he isn't experiencing the 'normal' way of learning of doing something wrong, being punished, and then doing better? And my submissiveness now, am i seeking the discipline i lacked as a boy?
Am i just incapable to 'challenge' order (like every 'normal' adoloscent is doing, but i didn't do because the order was to fragile), and makes that me the submissive i am? Am i seeking 'authority' because i didn't have to flee from 'authority'?
Of course 'submissive' and 'dominant' are only rough categories. You have submissives and dominants in kind and colours. So maybe i am just submissive by 'nature' but by 'nurture' i came to be the specific submissive i am. i am not the submissive who constantly 'challenges' his Mistress, i am not the submissive craving for pain, but i am more 'service' orientated... i think this thread can run forever, because you can always find new perspectives to your life...




slaveish -> RE: Formation of dominants and submissives (5/8/2007 2:05:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrincessEllie

I can see how some silly psychiatrist or another got this into their heads. But my personal experience with my orientation is that who you really are, Dominant or submissive, <snip> I grew up in a household that was both open and rigid in seperate areas. It was about fifty-fifty on that scale.


We are each a sum total of our experiences. Your life experience without silly psychiatrists is as valid as those of us who have sought therapy in whatever form, and I agree that genetics plays perhaps a larger role than for which it is given credit; but I also understand a thing or two about psychology and the sizable role one's past can play in shaping one's personality.



TigressFL -> RE: Formation of dominants and submissives (5/8/2007 2:32:46 PM)

I can only speculate if it is nature, nurture or for any other reason. What I do know is that being the authority in a relationship or being a Top in it just for the play or any other role is a "choice". I think it is great to engage in retrospection and introspection to figure out for ourselves if our motives are positive or negative for anything we do (not just what I listed above). Is it fear, is it because of our past, etc. I did that work for many years and I found that being in charge is simply what came most natural to me. Now, how I handle and use my authority is much more important to me than why I want to have it in the first place as how I handle it will show my internal motives either positive or negative int he long run.



PrincessEllie -> RE: Formation of dominants and submissives (5/8/2007 3:01:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveish

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrincessEllie

I can see how some silly psychiatrist or another got this into their heads. But my personal experience with my orientation is that who you really are, Dominant or submissive, <snip> I grew up in a household that was both open and rigid in seperate areas. It was about fifty-fifty on that scale.


We are each a sum total of our experiences. Your life experience without silly psychiatrists is as valid as those of us who have sought therapy in whatever form, and I agree that genetics plays perhaps a larger role than for which it is given credit; but I also understand a thing or two about psychology and the sizable role one's past can play in shaping one's personality.

I myself am a product of extensive therapy. Without my therapy, I'd likely be dead.
There's a reason I said it was my personal experience that this was so. I realize that for some people the past has a large effect on their BDSM. Personally, the past has never figured into my life with the scene, but it has in other ways. I know that your past effects you greatly. But it never effected my submissive nature. :3 That's all.



Sinimint -> RE: Formation of dominants and submissives (5/8/2007 4:55:29 PM)

I had the most normal loving upbringing imaginable.  Both my parents are easy going, loving, natural, down to earth and neither of them are in any way or form dominant or submissive.  We didn't argue, we were always laughing and doing things like trips in the country, or around the world, or just reading in the lounge together on a quiet Sunday afternoon. 

My upbringing would in fact be classified as boring to some, although to me it was completely normal and wonderful.  They are still my best friends, I love them dearly and they have been together for over 40 years and still love eachother to pieces.

I found that in the real life it was so different.  Not so much love out there as at home.  In fact, when I entered the "scene" lol, I couldn't believe the number of submisives that have "problems" or had "problems" in the past and were on medication or had bad upbringings.  Totally blew me away. 

I'm just naturally submissive.  Nothing in my life made me this way - it's just the way I am.



WiseCracknSadist -> RE: Formation of dominants and submissives (5/8/2007 5:49:27 PM)

I was never really a control freak. My mom was a loud, controlling, nit picking, nagging woman. Who told me I was supposed to pretty much worship the ground women walked on. I tried to be what she wanted but it felt like I was wearing a shoe that was too small.

It's not that I disrespect women but I had an unnatural want to do unsavory things to women. I wanted them to serve me and meet my every need and whim and when they failed I wanted to hurt them and that idea excited me. So I stumbled through life, miserable, destroying one relationship after another trying to come to terms with what it was I felt deep inside me that I needed in life.

Then one day I started looking things up online. Started looking at sadism and what it meant. After sorting through the different "symptoms" I understood that I was a sexual sadist. It was like a door of understanding was flung wide open. It was so great to realize who I was and that I was not alone and that there were yings to my yang. I haven't had this much fun in a loooong time.



LadyPact -> RE: Formation of dominants and submissives (5/8/2007 6:35:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SDFemDom4cuck

quote:

We were having the above sort of question when I mentioned that "you know mom on some very real level, when you get angry, I get scared" and she laughed at that.  I mean who could imagine a son having any sort of fear of his mother?  Yeah right.  I push when and where I can but I can't force her to grow and trust me, she isn't interested in much growth at the moment.


Ok, I haven't read and kept up with the replies, but Ms Jo, I have to say this made Me laugh a bit.  I used to joke with My UM's that I would strike them down and bury them in the backyard.  Even thought they knew it was a joke, they still have that in there somewhere.  Being 5'2", both of them are bigger than Me now, but when I talk, they listen.

This reminded me of an incident last fall. My um is 22 and 6'3. I'm 41 and all of 5'3. I was cooking dinner and he was sneaking in to steal chicken as it was being sauteed for chicken parmesean. I didn't even realize he was behind me as I turned around with an upraised spatula suddenly. He gave a startled "Eeep" and ran into another room. I was like...."what the hell was that about?" Now mind you I've never laid a hand on him as a disciplinary method ever but he knows not to push my buttons. He said, " You may be a shrimp Mom but you scare the hell out of me sometimes."

My reply...A little fear is a good thing sonny.

No, you can't force her to grow or to trust but you can control how you react to her refusal to do so. Her refusal also doesn't mean it has to inhibit your own personal growth or self perceptions.






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