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RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 10:15:28 AM   
fairerthanshe


Posts: 3035
Joined: 1/18/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

the isolation I impose on myself lengthens


I'm betting it's time to stop punishing yourself. Self imposed isolation is beneficial for a while as it give you time to regroup and reflect. Perhaps that's all done now and your lack of intimate emotional and physical contact has now become detrimental. Depression can do many things to people. There are some things that you can do, but first an foremost is to stop isolating yourself.

Master Fire



Greetings Master Fire,
Greetings puella,

fairer agrees with Master Fire, as she went through a self imposed 3 year hiatus from anything sexual or having to do with the lifestyle.  When she began to explore this again, it changed her outlook totally and she found herself to be much happier simply by acknowledging that what she truly longed for was still a possibility.

fairer was fortunate enough to have met a man who became her Mentor and has helped her overcome much of the damage that was done, both physically and psychologically during her D/s marriage.  If it weren't for his patience and understanding, the care with which he reintroduced her to this world, she may not be where she is today - kneeling at the feet of a man she absolutely adores.

well wishes,

fairer than she


_____________________________

The Nuclear Bomb of Awesome, rockin' the MoFo Hawk, still a bad-ass with a bouncy attitude, and spreading joy as a predator in Hello Kitty panties

Recently honored with membership in the West Coast Assholes

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 10:36:31 AM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

I have been keeping a low-ish profile of late as I have found my mood and responses sort of sinking to a level I do not personally find acceptable.

I have been reflecting on this a bit and wondered if anyone else has ever made this correlation:

It has been over a year and a half since I was released from my collar.  Though I understand and accept that it was what was ‘best’ for me, I have found that my ‘nice’ factor has seriously corroded as my solitude marches on.  Even when I was so terribly unhappy at the tail end of the relationship and even more so in the initial stages of my release, I think that I was a ‘kinder gentler Jen’ than I am now. 

I am not totally sure if anything can be had from that… but I thought it might be an interesting idea to ponder on the forums.

Can a person, even if in a potentially destructive and unhappy relationship, be a better person because of some aspect of that relationship (perhaps in this case extreme devotion and power exchange) than if in a ‘healthy space’ (how wildly empowered and new agey of me, eh?) alone?


This is a catch 22 sort of thing going on.   I find myself going through something similar right now.   It's been 10 months since a bad relationship I was in ended.  The whole relationship itself was not bad, there were some great aspects to it.  I think when people use the word "Bad Relationship" many people think there was nothing good at all about the relationship.  There were aspects about my last relationship that were of benifit to me, however the pros were buried in a major mountain of bad things.

I've noticed a change in my own attitude in the last month being on collarme.com,  perhaps I've just become a little more cynical and burned out by the game player types.   I had one really bad experiences with somebody who passed themselves off with somebody elses pictures, lied about thier name and age even.  I've had a few similar run ins from others that I caught feeding me with Bullshit and lies.   Some bad experiences where a few just wanted to act out BDSM scense over Yahoo IM and did not want to spend time getting to know me or talk about other things.   Then there are the ones that have their head shoved deep inside BDSM porno scenes they don't comprehend dynamics outside of the bedroom.   Just going through the motions of responding to emails and profiles...   So, I'm a little burned out and cynical in some regards.

I have enjoyed the message boards here the most, however at times... I myself find myself reading the opening post of some OP and just want to smack my head and bite my tounge.  I know I had more engery and life in my posts when I first started using the Message boards, now at times I feel a little more prone to wanting to express some Not So Nice things.

I think it has nothing to do with my past relationship, that perhaps I'm just feeling a little frustrated in connectioning with somebody for my next one.   There are days when I check my email and read the message boards I find myself in a less than kind or good mood.   Back a couple monthes ago I used to joke around more in my posts.   My sense of humor is not at the same level.   I know I've become a little Jaded, cynical and disillusioned by a few people on this site.

I know I most certain don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, in many regards being a lone sucks at times.  There are things I dearly and deeply miss about my last relationship.   However, I don't miss all the Bad things and know my life is in a better place now.  So I know I'm doing better yet there are things that are missing in my life.

Don't know if this is what you were looking for or not in a response, just my own thoughts and feelings right now.  

(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 11:11:57 AM   
gentlethistle


Posts: 186
Joined: 10/28/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: puella
Can a person, even if in a potentially destructive and unhappy relationship, be a better person because of some aspect of that relationship (perhaps in this case extreme devotion and power exchange) than if in a ‘healthy space’ (how wildly empowered and new agey of me, eh?) alone?


Jen

I don't know if I can answer this question directly, but I can give my own slant on this situation.  Over the past few years (well, perhaps most of this millenium actually) I have found myself questioning whether my 'situation' is the correct one for me...  And what tends to happen is that I identify particular 'lacks' or things that are unsatisfactory about either my relationship or the absence thereof at the time.  And then I tend to become pre-occupied by that and feel the worse (in whatever way that comes out) for the thing I feel I lack.

So then I try and change my life to address that missing factor....and 'Bingo' I re-invent some situation that I previously found unsatisfactory for various reasons and identify a new set of missing factors...probably things that I had aplenty when I was last feeling so miserably lacking....  Circular or what?

Perhaps what you're describing isn't exactly the same....but maybe it is simply that having reached an 'empowered' space where you are no longer in a destructive, distressing relationship...you are actually missing some of the things that you really valued about being in a relationship at all (even that one)...or longing for things that you believe could be supplied by one that had not yet arisen. (I'm presuming and guessing wildly of course, but you drew the connection yourself between your moods when attached and unattached.) I tend to get sad when I'm disatisfied, but maybe you get grouchy and angry...people react differently....

I'll stop mumbling now and go eat some food...

   Laura

(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 11:16:35 AM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I think you should give it more time.  And perhaps look at what you are doing for yourself?  What are you doing to give yourself a happy life?


Firstly, thanks to you (and everyone) for some interesting feedback... I really do think perspective is a good thing and one rarely gets that in a cave full of head-nodders... anyway,

Time... well I certainly have a relentless amount of that and as I am still not re that I am a good candidate for a relationship partner, I will not be rushing into my bevy of marriage proposals waiting for me... hehehe (though it should be noted, Crappy did rescind his long ago...)

I am not sure about the whole 'living for happiness' idea.  It might be the way to go, but it is certainly not where I am at.   I am not sure if I disabled that processing sector of my brain or if it was a sort of.. casualty. 

I do things.. I mean, I made a sort of pact when I was just wanting nothingness that it would be beyond selfish of me to just let life fall apart.  I keep up all the things necessary obligations and what-not to be a good sister, aunt, daughter, etc.. and do live by the idea of giving more good than bad to society, re volunteering, etc…. in general, trying to leave positive impacts in my wake (jesus, I am sounding like Deepak Chupra or something..)

Perhaps that is enough to keep me from becoming a true and utter bitch... I do not know.

I wonder what it was though, that could make the good bits in me so much more pronounced, even in personal sadness, that I can not manage to encourage to bloom on my own.  I find that idea rather troubling, and a bit... hmmm somehow offensive.

Shrugs.




_____________________________

We must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom...... The Simpsons

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." ...Ambrose Bierce

"Don't you oppress me!"....Stan/Loretta

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 11:26:26 AM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		puella from chatroom lobby time with you awhile back I think you are being less "nice" these days then you were awhile back. (Now reread that without anything more than an objective tone please cause its ment only as an observation not a value judgement)

Meanwhile I think that being less "nice/ kinder gentler" may be exactly what you need to be at this point.
I think it's great that you are being introspective, we all could use a little more honest self judgement.
Being "nice" is not at the top of my priority of values, and I'm not sure it should be at the top of anyone's.
There are times and places for nice, and I honestly believe too many people are misplacing the where and when it is the time and place.

Maybe it's time in your introspection to re-rank aspects of your personality. See what aspects are important to you now, and then see if that new ranking is something you like about yourself or something you want to change.


(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 11:37:20 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

the isolation I impose on myself lengthens


I'm betting it's time to stop punishing yourself. Self imposed isolation is beneficial for a while as it give you time to regroup and reflect. Perhaps that's all done now and your lack of intimate emotional and physical contact has now become detrimental. Depression can do many things to people. There are some things that you can do, but first an foremost is to stop isolating yourself.

Master Fire



Jen, agree with this advice, STOP FUCKING PUNISHING YOURSELF!!!!!!!!

Also, I think it would be a good exercise to define what you mean by "better person" on paper in black and white.  You are one of my dearest friends here and I came out of a self imposed silence ONLY to speak to you as I cherish you deeply and think you are far more special than you currently realize.

Your most sincere friend,

Michael

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 11:41:50 AM   
Wickad


Posts: 428
Joined: 3/12/2005
Status: offline 		(fast reply)

Being 'less nice' is not a bad thing. 

'Nice' can cover up all kinds of crappy things about a person - insecurity being the most prominent.  I guess in some ways this is a time to get to know yourself (as it seems you are doing) and to recognize your own worth.

Wickad

(in reply to Archer)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 11:46:38 AM   
yrstocollar


Posts: 95
Joined: 8/14/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

I have found that my ‘nice’ factor has seriously corroded as my solitude marches on.  Even when I was so terribly unhappy at the tail end of the relationship and even more so in the initial stages of my release, I think that I was a ‘kinder gentler Jen’ than I am now. 

Can a person, even if in a potentially destructive and unhappy relationship, be a better person because of some aspect of that relationship (perhaps in this case extreme devotion and power exchange) than if in a ‘healthy space’ (how wildly empowered and new agey of me, eh?) alone?


perhaps being able to serve made you feel useful and gave you "warm and fuzzies" ... bought out the "nice" in you... try thinking of yourself as worthy of servitude or find something (not necessarily someone) else to give to which gives you the same feeling 

(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 11:58:00 AM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: puella
Can a person, even if in a potentially destructive and unhappy relationship, be a better person because of some aspect of that relationship (perhaps in this case extreme devotion and power exchange) than if in a ‘healthy space’ (how wildly empowered and new agey of me, eh?) alone?


I think one can be "nice" in a bad relationship and continue that niceness during the numbed period after one gets out. Then they hit the anger stage of mourning and all of the mean and nasty comes out. This is a *good* thing, though difficult, because it gets all of the emotional infection out of your system. As that heals, one goes back to being a gentler, kindlier person they were before with more wisdom to share.

I've been out of a very abusive relationship, that lasted 26 years, for 5 years now. I thought I was fine just out of it. I was wrong. I thought I was fine a year out of it. I was wrong. I may possibly be well enough to try to make a good relationship now, but that remains to be seen. I have gotten to the point where being alone isn't horrible anymore. I don't like it, but I no longer fear it. The changed attitude makes a big difference I think.

(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 11:59:13 AM   
stockingluvr54


Posts: 673
Joined: 6/22/2006
Status: offline 		just an observation....  Been single now for almost 5yrs.... no one nighters or dating or nothing since the ex took off. Anyways...had a previous ex tell me that "some kinda calm has come over you!"... I took it as a good thing? If nothing else it gives you time to reflect on everything and I mean that in a good way. Enjoy your time alone... it won't last forever.....

(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 12:18:17 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		Like the OP, I spent some quality downtime (like it or not) for more than the past year weighing my options relative to relationships within the Lifestyle.

I took that time to work on some self-improvment (still QUITE the work in progress), as well as determining how 'alone' I wanted to be.  I like being alone, I don't lack for things to do alone, and my independence does not require anything different.

During that time, I never lost interest in WIITWD, and the last thing I would ever do is devolve into vanilla-hood.  I didn't become jaded or all that snarky, despite the 'quality' of some of my posts here.  But in all fairness, I thought my relationship days were through, and was in the process of coming to grips with that.

One of the things that I discovered, though, is that while independent, being alone has the unintentional downside of allowing oneself to be less than 100% responsible.  It doesn't matter if that load of laundry gets folded, if I need something from the pile, I'll pick what I need.  Silly example, but if there's nobody around to notice (and there's not), what harm?

So if for no other reason than to explain to myself that I'm better off in the Lifestyle by being responsible for 'two' (I elevate myself to my usual standards to make a good example) I have kept my partnership options open.  Because to me, 'what I do' in a D/s or M/s relationship is to assume some of the responsibilities of my partner.  Easier and better to keep two of us on our toes for the betterment of 'us' than to let myself go little by little.

That is not to say that I had 'settling' on my mind.  I would rather be alone and risk what that means (still a happy outcome), than to put myself into a situation that I would rather get out of in a short period of time.  It's not like I need the 'domination' practice.

For myself, much to my own disbelief sometimes, I have found the success I had nearly given up on.  Puella, I hope in time your fortunes can be as good.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 12:38:13 PM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline 		Bad relationships just drain me.

However, a solid relationship with someone who wants to push me and makes me better and happens to have control of my life tends to make me strive to be a better person which I suppose would include being nicer.


_____________________________


"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 12:47:41 PM   
MsBearlee


Posts: 1032
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline 		 
I agree whole-heartedly with Michael.  Jen, you are one of the sweetiest, most interesting people on the site...I always read what you have to say; and enjoy it, too!
 
You may be going through a rather sad, dissappointed period...and who wouldn't?  This too shall pass,
 
Beverly

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 4:27:27 PM   
soulfulkitten


Posts: 27
Joined: 1/9/2005
Status: offline 		I've been there definitely.

I have found even being in a not so healthy BDSM relationship, I take more care of myself than I do on my own.

I have found in the past  year, while being alone, that i have gotten mouthy, rude, unfocused and many other negative things including very cheeky.

Does it mean I am willing to sacrifice for a collar?  Nope.

I have to be more self-aware, and practise self-care...for me to be a better person.

This is certainly not easy though.....good luck.

(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 5:16:21 PM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx
....
One of the things that I discovered, though, is that while independent, being alone has the unintentional downside of allowing oneself to be less than 100% responsible.  It doesn't matter if that load of laundry gets folded, if I need something from the pile, I'll pick what I need.  Silly example, but if there's nobody around to notice (and there's not), what harm?

So if for no other reason than to explain to myself that I'm better off in the Lifestyle by being responsible for 'two' (I elevate myself to my usual standards to make a good example) I have kept my partnership options open.  Because to me, 'what I do' in a D/s or M/s relationship is to assume some of the responsibilities of my partner.  Easier and better to keep two of us on our toes for the betterment of 'us' than to let myself go little by little.


I'm sitting here laughing my brains out right now.  Because I'm only in charge of me, myself and I.  Responsible for just me, myself and I.   It's not the same without somebody else to be responsible for.   Oh Hell, it's just not the same being alone dispite all the time I have for introspection and self improvement.  There are things I want to do that require another human being in the picture. No matter how much I socialize outside the house, find things to do, play guitar or whatever else, there is a missing component in my day to day life.   I don't really need somebody to fill in this space, I simply want somebody.  It just can't be anybody either..  I keep turning over rocks and stones looking...   I find some of my wants or needs have changed over the years.  I myself have been weighing my options relative to the lifestyle itself.  There are a number of take it or leave it things in my mind, however there are a number of things I am looking for.  

Many aspects I'm looking for I can see a sub,slave, Domme or perhaps a switch type fullfilling.   Gasp, Gasp, Gasp...  I'm not looking to become anybodys little bitch boy sissy slave either.  I have had one relationship with a Domme in the past and the dynamics were rather unique and interesting.  In my mind, I'm looking for a certain chemistry or attraction level to click with, along with a strong mental connection.   As long as there's a physical and mental connection everything else can be worked out.   Hell, I don't have a problem doing a full blown M/s, D/s, or even D/D based relationship.  I have a bit of a SadoMaso streak and I tend to play well with Dommes that have a SadoMaso streak as well.   So even with Dommes I find myself very selective and picky, I know what I want there.   In terms of sub/slave types I know what I want and expect there as well.  In terms of Switches... It's a bit of mix and match between what I'm looking for in sub/slaves or Dommes.   I find people that identifiy as being a switch have many different reasons in doing so.   In short, I simply explore things on a case by case basis.

I find myself gravitating towards Slaves, Dommes, Daddy Girl submissives..   One thing I find I totally adore are those that are creative.  Into music, literature, art and anything else musing.   While it might appear that I'm rather open to anybody, really I'm not.  There are different things I find appealing to what I'm open for and what I'm looking for.   Right now, my next relationship is a blank slate of sorts...

(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 5:30:16 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

I have been keeping a low-ish profile of late as I have found my mood and responses sort of sinking to a level I do not personally find acceptable.

I have been reflecting on this a bit and wondered if anyone else has ever made this correlation:

It has been over a year and a half since I was released from my collar.  Though I understand and accept that it was what was ‘best’ for me, I have found that my ‘nice’ factor has seriously corroded as my solitude marches on.  Even when I was so terribly unhappy at the tail end of the relationship and even more so in the initial stages of my release, I think that I was a ‘kinder gentler Jen’ than I am now. 

I am not totally sure if anything can be had from that… but I thought it might be an interesting idea to ponder on the forums.

Can a person, even if in a potentially destructive and unhappy relationship, be a better person because of some aspect of that relationship (perhaps in this case extreme devotion and power exchange) than if in a ‘healthy space’ (how wildly empowered and new agey of me, eh?) alone?


I do not advocate being in a destructive or unhappy relationship.  Is the better person you are there really a better person or is that someone desperately trying to "be better" so that the other person responds positively and presto-change-o, the relationship is magically better? 

Devotion does not tie in....in MOO...to being nice.  I can be nice to the girl who brings me coffee, I can be nice to the old lady who is making me grind my back molars with her endless questions about whether what I do will hurt her or not, I can be nice to my ums when they make me feel like banging my head against the wall but none of them require me to be devoted to them. 

I would rather spend the rest of my life alone...and I intend to live at least another 40 years...than be in a relationship where I am being destroyed, undermined, disrespected, and on and on.  Like most dominants...I suspect, though I haven't taken a poll...I want a relationship built by both the dominant and the submissive but in which the D/s dynamic of power transfer is...once agreed to...adhered to.  The inequality within the equality is understood.

But...that doesn't mean I can't be nice to you today.  Nor does it mean that, if I disagree with you, that I cannot be at least courteous while doing so.  My being alone does not mean that I can't offer you a hand or a shoulder or an ear to listen.  My being alone does not mean I have to become even more cynical than what I can be at times now.


(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 5:58:45 PM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

Can a person, even if in a potentially destructive and unhappy relationship, be a better person because of some aspect of that relationship (perhaps in this case extreme devotion and power exchange) than if in a ‘healthy space’ (how wildly empowered and new agey of me, eh?) alone?


Wow.

Whoa.

No.

I'm sorry you're down, but this is the sort of thinking that gets you in hot water over your head before you can even feel the burn.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 7:03:35 PM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Smiles..you are so very, probably right.

_____________________________

We must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom...... The Simpsons

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." ...Ambrose Bierce

"Don't you oppress me!"....Stan/Loretta

(in reply to slaveish)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 7:06:55 PM   
MellowSir


Posts: 260
Joined: 4/17/2007
Status: offline 		Better to be your own person first, before you are someone else's. I've been shot down plenty and it just makes me stronger and more determined, and I'm still a nice guy. Don't need someone to make you whole, want someone that makes you more....."I don't love you for who you are, I love you for who I am when I'm with you".... 

< Message edited by MellowSir -- 5/7/2007 7:08:34 PM >

(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 8:37:38 PM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		puella, I have to add to my statement.

We are a sum total of our experiences. The time you spent with this person was not a waste and you ~are~ a better person because of him. That said, if the relationship was destructive, now you are better without him.

It is not easy to to feel the utter reality of this statement but it is simplistic truth: all is as should be. You are experiencing exactly what you are supposed to experience at this time. Tomorrow you will know exactly what you are supposed to know. Next month you will be where you need to be. Each minute step is another piece of who we are and what we become. I wish you comfortable peace fortified with an iron grasp of your own spot in the universe.



_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to MellowSir)
Profile   Post #: 40
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