RE: Better for D/s?

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shigglyboom -> RE: Better for D/s? (5/7/2007 9:48:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: puella It has been over a year and a half since I was released from my collar. Though I understand and accept that it was what was ‘best’ for me, I have found that my ‘nice’ factor has seriously corroded as my solitude marches on. Even when I was so terribly unhappy at the tail end of the relationship and even more so in the initial stages of my release, I think that I was a ‘kinder gentler Jen’ than I am now. Jen, I can relate to this - I've experienced it too. I think it has to do with feeling safe. It's like walking down a dark deserted sidewalk alone versus with someone else; you can take it easier and be more yourself when there's someone there to protect you. But your anxiety about the change is misplaced. Someone as obviously kind as you, even if you became 50% less nice than you were, would still be nicer than 75% of the planet. (If I weren't so sleepy, I'd write a poll to prove it.) Seriously, Archer's right. You'll always be kind - it's how you're built. Time to prioritize some other qualities you have in spades, like determination and resilience and grit. Liana

puella -> RE: Better for D/s? (5/8/2007 2:39:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mstrjx One of the things that I discovered, though, is that while independent, being alone has the unintentional downside of allowing oneself to be less than 100% responsible. It doesn't matter if that load of laundry gets folded, if I need something from the pile, I'll pick what I need. Silly example, but if there's nobody around to notice (and there's not), what harm? So if for no other reason than to explain to myself that I'm better off in the Lifestyle by being responsible for 'two' (I elevate myself to my usual standards to make a good example) I have kept my partnership options open. Because to me, 'what I do' in a D/s or M/s relationship is to assume some of the responsibilities of my partner. Easier and better to keep two of us on our toes for the betterment of 'us' than to let myself go little by little. That makes sense to me, Jeff, thank you for sharing that perspective.

LeatherBentOne -> RE: Better for D/s? (5/8/2007 4:08:43 AM)
Hi puella, Ive been there and done that. You have suffered a loss on many levels: relationship, expectations, goals, maybe some self-esteem, your hopes, etc. Actually, these type of losses can be looked upon as a death of something we cherish. And with any death, we grieve. Anger is just a part of our grief. I might suggest you read up on the stages of grief. Mine lasted 5 years after a break up with someone I am still in love with 8 years later. I still struggle with the anger, yet. LBO

RavenMuse -> RE: Better for D/s? (5/8/2007 4:15:44 AM)
I'm a slightly nicer person when I Own a girl... not because it changes who I am, but because I am human and when I am happy I am more likely to take a nicer aproach than when I am pissed off.... My girl makes Me smile a lot which sort of does EVERYONE a favour Chuckle However, wether I have a girl or not I don't FAKE being nice. I'm not a 'nice' person. 'Nice' people will often beat around the bush and not say what they mean because the other person might not like it.... If something needs saying then wether I am in a good mood or not, even if it will sting or upset, I say it because it needs saying and I am not 'nice'. I can see it having far more effect on an Owned girl as wether she is in a good mood or not it isn't her own standards she is held to, it is her Masters standards she has submitted to. The structure that gives her security ALSO imposes limits on acceptable behaviour. her behaviour reflects on Him and is answerable to Him..... if she looses that structure she can find herself heading in a direction she doesn't like, loosing patiences, getting upset or defencive when she KNOWs she shouldn't but does anyhow... because she has lost the structure and support system that helps her be the person she would like to be and she then feels she is letting herself down (Also often little things like that highlights that the support isn't there making her feel even more adrift and alone) Better a bad relationship than none? NEVER, that in the long run will destroy the girl.

Aubre -> RE: Better for D/s? (5/8/2007 6:27:17 AM)
puella, Sometimes it helps me when I have periods of self-doubt to do "random acts of kindness". For example, there is a person I work with that likes crackers - sometimes I will put crackers in their work mailbox and not tell them I did it. The combination of doing something nice for someone without giving them a chance to thank me or reciprocate, and the feeling of getting away with something makes me feel good. For people who happen to want folks to think they are not so nice, they don't risk losing their nasty reputation (hehe) while still getting a good feeling. Just a suggestion. Aubre

dommalemn -> RE: Better for D/s? (5/8/2007 7:13:43 AM)
When we are in a relationship it is a very dynamic thing. As it goes along it is a malting of two into one. Your dreams and goals mix. Some of the dreams and goals that you had when you were pre-relationship are lost( though at the time they just slip away mostly unnoticed). And it is no longer just to people that have come together, But now it is the blended one of the two people involved. In a lot of relationships today people try to come up with an equality based relationship where both people hang on to all their dreams and goals. As we all know we are on a constant change.(different today than we were just days ago). As people try to hang on to the old there is not the room to grow into the closeness that was intended in the relationship. When the couple ( for clarity could be any grouping) start to have trouble they think that they can just get rid of the other and move on to the next. And in doing so be the way they were before the relationship they were in. The only flaw in that is that they are not that same person, and neither is the other person. Now lets see if we can bring some thought on the op. You were with the person. Your dreams slowly were replaced by new dreams. And some dreams you held onto through the hole ordeal. Then there was the dream that somehow that other person would change. All these dreams were what kept you going. Then one day you no longer are in the relationship. There were parts that were abusive and was a bad deal but there were some good to. Now not in that relationship you have time away from the other person and you have to find out who you are. You are not the same as you were. You are no longer part of the couple. You are not who you dreamed you would be when you were younger. Some therapists call this time of rediscovery. It is like going through the teen years all over again. You need to find out what you believe. What place you are in with all the changes that have taken place. Some like to just hide it behind a new relationship and it will go away (but it will come up). In doing this you will find out that things that were dreams (ones before and ones created during your relationship) have died a terrible death ( and that you now have to grieve the lose of those dreams). In this process you will think that it is better to be in the relationship than to let the dreams die. In some cases it is worth working things out, But in abusive situations where the abuser is not willing to get help then you must leave. And as the dreams die and you change you will start to grieve the lose of the dreams and the lose of the you that you once were. At times this is good and at times it is bad. Dommalemn

puella -> RE: Better for D/s? (5/8/2007 9:14:47 AM)
I very much appreciate your interpretation and ideas. I do not know that I can honestly say that there was a lot of 'dreaming' going on so, I do not think I greive any lost dreams. I also was not trying to put forth the idea that I am somehow speculating hopping into any random relationship so that I can 'be happy' again. I just do not work that way. I really was just contemplating the whys and wherefores of my own degeneration, and wondering where the nexus is...

Lolajolly -> RE: Better for D/s? (5/8/2007 6:38:02 PM)
Don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you are just lazy? If you can not make the effort to be 'good' without the encouragement of another maybe you just are not motivated enough to honestly be good? Or maybe you are only good when you think you have someone to impress?

pattayonacracker -> RE: Better for D/s? (5/8/2007 6:55:00 PM)
i dont know how spiritual you are, but i believe we are put on the paths that we travel for a very distinct reason, we are meant to go down them no matter what or where they may lead us to. Sometimes looking backwards only sets us up for failure, dont look at it as your a bad person now, look at it ias your a different person now, we grow, we bloom, however that may be, and whichever way we take it. Being nice is a choice, Happiness is a frame of mind, you have the choice to be nice and the from of mind to be happy, why not choose those rather than to keep looking at the not so nice you, that you think you became. More than likely your beating yourself up harder than anyone around you might, take it easy on yourself, your allowed to vent, get angry, and even be mad, but dont take it out on others. If you feel thats what you are doing then you have figured out the number one thing to help stop the behavior, realizing there is an issue. i had many things happen in my life that i could be really bitter and nasty towards others over, but i dont like me when i am, so i make the active choice, not to be angry, but to embrace the good in everyone, even the lowest dirtiest SOB has at least one good point. why not look for it.lol It's not easy being us, i know, but we have what we are given to cope, and cope we must.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Better for D/s? (5/8/2007 7:23:50 PM)
I can speak only for myself. The only thing about my near 20-year marriage that made me a better person is that I was squeezed out of it which led me to my Master. 17 years of pasting a smile, 17 years of convincing myself and everyone around me (unsuccessfully) that I was happy. 17 years of emotional torture. I am only a year and a half out of it. I refuse to become bitter. I refuse to wallow in it. I refuse to do anything but look at my life today and advance myself toward a better future. I have a choice of whether to stay in the past and let it anchor me or propell myself into a better future. However, the process has taught me to define boundaries for myself. Some may find me "less nice" as a result. I call it being a healthier me. What I would say to you is to figure out a way to let go of the past and live in the present with hope for the future. Bitterness and resentment only eats a person from the inside. There are a lot of people here telling you what a great person you are. Maybe you ought to believe that perhaps they see what you do not yet see.

puella -> RE: Better for D/s? (5/9/2007 3:22:55 AM)
Again, thanks to everyone for sharing their personal experiences to pepper your thoughts here... Pehaps I am much less nice now than I thought, hehe, I hadn't quite thought that I had degenerated into angry and bitter. Honestly, for me there is a lack of any response quite that passionate. What I have also been thinking about related to this topic was that previous to this very intense relationship and the places (good and 'bad') it took me.. there was much more sparkle... or vibrance to me. I think during the relationship .. perhaps it was like I funneled all of that into a really concentrated core that was ...'give pleasure' mode.. (and I can not and do not lay that at his feet, I think that is my fault) ... and now.. I don't know... maybe it is not bitterness and I do not think it is angry... maybe you just can not go back to anything, even if it is a better you... maybe I just peaked already? Dunno... (maybe I shouldn't post without coffee ? heh)

ownedgirlie -> RE: Better for D/s? (5/9/2007 4:01:15 AM)
Or, like some, submitting is your joy and brings out your best. NOT submitting leaves something unfed, so there is less of that sparkle you speak of. I know that would be the case with me. It's a simple formula - I am my best when I have given myself away to my owner. This is where I shine and blossom.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Better for D/s? (5/9/2007 6:27:43 AM)
Puella, You are too dense to realize how wonderful you really are. You are so busy being judgemental that you can't see your good qualities. Anger is the exact emotion you should be feeling because I think it shows you are starting to heal. It is squirting out at men in bars, it is an emotion I think you loathe and so you are loathing yourself. Wish I was closer I would take you shooting as it is truly both liberating a great way to blast away negative emotions. You need to find an outlet for that emotion that you will not find repulsive, go pull weeds, beat up gangmembers, cut the heads off idiots in chatrooms, I don't know but find something. With much love and affection, Michael

marieToo -> RE: Better for D/s? (5/9/2007 6:47:35 AM)
Reply to OP: Approaching this from a reverse point of view, could it be possible that you were simply behaving differently when you were owned because you were reflecting the behavior that you know your Master would expect from you? And now that you are free, could it be that you are simply behaving as you would without the influence of a Master in your life? If this is the case, it would also explain why you were still being "nicer" even in the early stages of release, afterall, you don't change mindsets over night, so you would still be in the habit of reflecting what your Master had expected from you. Maybe the change is simply in your behavior and you are now behaving like you would behave without a Master holding you up to his particular standard of expectations. I don't know. I'm just offereing up another point of view to consider.

gypsygrl -> RE: Better for D/s? (5/9/2007 7:10:34 AM)
quote: What I have also been thinking about related to this topic was that previous to this very intense relationship and the places (good and 'bad') it took me.. there was much more sparkle... or vibrance to me. I think during the relationship .. perhaps it was like I funneled all of that into a really concentrated core that was ...'give pleasure' mode.. (and I can not and do not lay that at his feet, I think that is my fault) ... and now.. I don't know... maybe it is not bitterness and I do not think it is angry... maybe you just can not go back to anything, even if it is a better you... maybe I just peaked already? Dunno... Gosh, I feel this way alot. After a D/s relationship that lasted about 18 months or so and ended badly, I felt like as if I was used up or something. Its not quite dissillusionment because I'm not the sort to operate under a whole lot of illusions in the first place. Its like I've lost faith or hope or my ability to believe. Everything seemed grim. And, every foray into D/s since then has only seemed to intensify this feeling. Its all very heavy and I can't shake this feeling of seriousness except for a few brief moments here and there. I am a better person--more forgiving, more empathetic, more energetic, more focused...in a word, happier--when I'm attached to someone in a D/s sense even if the relationship isn't that good by vanilla standards. (I don't use vanilla standards of a healthy relationship for evaluating D/s relationships) I ended my first D/s relationship because I lost the sense of a D/s connection, not because it was a bad relationship. I just stopped feeling the power exchange. So, I kind of think I know what you're getting at. It seems I need a specific kind of attachment/stability to feel at my best and I can get that in a 'bad' relationship.

CreativeDominant -> RE: Better for D/s? (5/9/2007 7:25:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: puella Again, thanks to everyone for sharing their personal experiences to pepper your thoughts here... Pehaps I am much less nice now than I thought, hehe, I hadn't quite thought that I had degenerated into angry and bitter. Honestly, for me there is a lack of any response quite that passionate. What I have also been thinking about related to this topic was that previous to this very intense relationship and the places (good and 'bad') it took me.. there was much more sparkle... or vibrance to me. I think during the relationship .. perhaps it was like I funneled all of that into a really concentrated core that was ...'give pleasure' mode.. (and I can not and do not lay that at his feet, I think that is my fault) ... and now.. I don't know... maybe it is not bitterness and I do not think it is angry... maybe you just can not go back to anything, even if it is a better you... maybe I just peaked already? Dunno... (maybe I shouldn't post without coffee ? heh) "Maybe I just peaked already? Dunno..." For your sake...and any partner that falls for you in the future...I sincerely hope that you are not one of those for whom there is only one peak and, if there is, I hope that you did not reach it yet for to think that you climbed that one excellent peak for someone who no longer wishes to appreciate your achievement resonates with sadness Intensity does not equal peaking, in my view. "Peaking" is when someone/something brings out the best in me...and that is not necessarily an intense thing or a "responsible behavior" thing, it can be one of many, many things in me that could be improved. And...it does not have to be a "once reached, cannot be maintained and/or reached again" thing. Nor does it have to come out because of someone else. As a dominant and a man, I am always open to ways to improve myself but that comes from within me or from outside circumstances or from other people...it does not have to be my "one" that does it.

puella -> RE: Better for D/s? (5/9/2007 9:40:31 AM)
I think that is the nicest way anyone has ever called me dense before Michael, thank you! [;)]

MadRabbit -> RE: Better for D/s? (5/9/2007 9:52:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: puella I have been keeping a low-ish profile of late as I have found my mood and responses sort of sinking to a level I do not personally find acceptable. I have been reflecting on this a bit and wondered if anyone else has ever made this correlation: It has been over a year and a half since I was released from my collar. Though I understand and accept that it was what was ‘best’ for me, I have found that my ‘nice’ factor has seriously corroded as my solitude marches on. Even when I was so terribly unhappy at the tail end of the relationship and even more so in the initial stages of my release, I think that I was a ‘kinder gentler Jen’ than I am now. I am not totally sure if anything can be had from that… but I thought it might be an interesting idea to ponder on the forums. Can a person, even if in a potentially destructive and unhappy relationship, be a better person because of some aspect of that relationship (perhaps in this case extreme devotion and power exchange) than if in a ‘healthy space’ (how wildly empowered and new agey of me, eh?) alone? I honestly beleive the answer is "no". If I thought it was "yes" and wasnt taking the time to get myself to a good point in my life and staying on a dating level with people at first, I would have a lot more authority based relationship experience then I do lol. I had my own misconceptions about this in the beginning and "going for the collar" with one person, removed a hell of a lot of them. I agree with a lot of the responses as to why the drop off in niceness might be happening.

cjenny -> RE: Better for D/s? (5/9/2007 9:55:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie I can speak only for myself. The only thing about my near 20-year marriage that made me a better person is that I was squeezed out of it which led me to my Master. 17 years of pasting a smile, 17 years of convincing myself and everyone around me (unsuccessfully) that I was happy. 17 years of emotional torture. I am only a year and a half out of it. I refuse to become bitter. I refuse to wallow in it. I refuse to do anything but look at my life today and advance myself toward a better future. I have a choice of whether to stay in the past and let it anchor me or propell myself into a better future. Yikes. I'm at this exact point down to the same 18 months. [;)] However, the process has taught me to define boundaries for myself. I'm trying to get to this part. It isn't going very well, I got so so used to conceding my entire self to placate my ex husband. After a bit it became how I related with everyone, sort of a warped need to please even strangers to prevent any possibility of disagreement. Standing up for myself is HARD ohjeez. Even online my gut twists when I go against someones post or popular opinion. Disagreement can be hard for me to separate from hostility.. that I do know and stay aware of. Some may find me "less nice" as a result. I call it being a healthier me. What I would say to you is to figure out a way to let go of the past and live in the present with hope for the future. Bitterness and resentment only eats a person from the inside. <snip> I'm so glad that I'm happy now. There is so much to look forward to in life. I wanna do everything [sm=dance.gif] , it's like a kid in a candy store.. so many possibilities!

MsBearlee -> RE: Better for D/s? (5/10/2007 7:46:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MellowSir "Don't need someone to make you whole, want someone that makes you more." OMG... I'm always talking about the value of want over need. That was an excellent statement. Is it yours; can I use it? B

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