assignments and commitment

assignments and commitment (Full Version)

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Tigrita -> assignments and commitment (1/15/2008 10:30:36 AM)
Statepalace’s thread here spoke to something I’d been thinking about recently also and I didn’t want to hijack that, so I’ll start a new one. What does it mean to share yourself with someone? How is that accomplished? How is it reciprocated? One way, is giving someone room in your head, in your heart, in your life. When some of the little things you think and do, you do with them in mind. When it comes to D/s, this can happen in the form of tasks, or expectations, outside of play time. So easy it might be for a dominant to assign something, or expect something, and how eager a submissive might be to comply, to please, without either stopping to realize what that really means. That it means investing some of your life into them, whatever small part, or maybe a large part. But how does one know that this is not one-sided? That they also make room in their life and their heart for you? So easy it could be to give this room away without gaining a safe place to stand in return. Something to think about… for a dominant to realize that these expectations mean an investment, a commitment, one that needs to be reciprocated if a healthy balance is to be maintained. If they ask for these things, to whatever degree, IMO it should mean that they are making that investment and commitment themselves to that degree as well. Thoughts? Experiences?

Justme696 -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/15/2008 10:36:29 AM)
quote: But how does one know that this is not one-sided? That they also make room in their life and their heart for you? Some nice and very interesting questions you got. Difficult ones. I quoted the above part only, because I am curious if you think "love/relation" inside shows differently inside the "lifestyle"then outside? I mean..one falls in love or shows great interested. It either get answered or not. But i think it also mainly instict to feel if it is serious or not. Just the nice bubbly feeling in the stomach .

CalifChick -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/15/2008 10:42:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Tigrita But how does one know that this is not one-sided? That they also make room in their life and their heart for you? Experiences? Because he tells me and shows me that I am in his life and in his heart. When I get slammed with self-doubt, he touches my soul and gives me what I need to know where I am. Cali

DesFIP -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/15/2008 10:46:29 AM)
That sums it up nicely. I'm not going to make anyone a priority who makes me an option. More than that, assignments are tricky. Given too early, he isn't going to know me well enough to be able to give worthwhile assignments. And if he's demanding busy work, or stuff that I judge to be valueless, then I'll lose respect and interest real fast. I'm not the same as his last one or even three back. I'm me and no one else. Anything given to me has to work for me. Telling me that all his subs wore 6" heels and therefore I have to learn to wear them also puts him on my out list real fast. Either tailor them to me, mentally, emotionally and physically or don't go there. Now these days, nearly 5 years in, tasks do make sense. Go fetch him stuff from the auto store so he can continue to fix the car. Put on the white skirt he had me buy because he likes seeing me in it. But it all relates to us. And that's different.

Tigrita -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/15/2008 10:48:08 AM)
I absolutely agree that the concept applies to vanilla relationships too, and that the vanilla aspect of it applies to D/s relationships. My first real relationship (vanilla) I really lost myself because this guy was just in my head about everything, it seemed I was living every moment of my life and thinking every thought for him (submissive occupational hazard before I even realized it?). Had to go through a lot to come back to a healthy place where I could give myself to someone again. I've always struggled with the balance. But I ask specifically about tasks and expectations because they are a common aspect of D/s, and are so easy to doll out without realy thinking of the implications. As I'm beginning to see someone new, and certain things have been hinted at (not ordered or expected yet, but hinted at), it made me think about this and the fact that it really is an investment and commitment and whether that is something I want right now, and whether he would be reciprocating in that investment and commitment.

Justme696 -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/15/2008 10:51:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Tigrita I absolutely agree that the concept applies to vanilla relationships too, and that the vanilla aspect of it applies to D/s relationships. My first real relationship (vanilla) I really lost myself because this guy was just in my head about everything, it seemed I was living every moment of my life and thinking every thought for him (submissive occupational hazard before I even realized it?). Had to go through a lot to come back to a healthy place where I could give myself to someone again. I've always struggled with the balance. But I ask specifically about tasks and expectations because they are a common aspect of D/s, and are so easy to doll out without realy thinking of the implications. As I'm beginning to see someone new, and certain things have been hinted at (not ordered or expected yet, but hinted at), it made me think about this and the fact that it really is an investment and commitment and whether that is something I want right now, and whether he would be reciprocating in that investment and commitment. Is this purely a D/s relation or a love relation? (the new relation you talk about)

Tigrita -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/15/2008 10:56:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP I'm me and no one else. Anything given to me has to work for me. Telling me that all his subs wore 6" heels and therefore I have to learn to wear them also puts him on my out list real fast. Either tailor them to me, mentally, emotionally and physically or don't go there. I like that response. Knwledge, respect, and commitment can be shown in the types of tasks themselves. That is an interesting thing to think about. A specific thing in my own situation comes to mind here. We've done some geocaching together and really enjoyed it. He sort of 'assigned' the next cache he wants me to do, and it is a time-consuming puzzle. Totally right up my alley, something I'd have been delighted to do anyway, but the realization that I'd be doing it at his fairly forceful suggestion puts a little different spin on it. A fun one for that smitten and eager to please streak, but a dangerous one for a girl who doesn't want to let someone too deep inside her head too fast. But you're right, the fact that the task is personal makes a big difference.

Tigrita -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/15/2008 10:59:44 AM)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, brakes... reverse... nowhere near the L word. Hehe, that said, I am refering to emotional relationships, not a cold, totally service-based D/s relationships.

Justme696 -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/15/2008 11:02:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Tigrita Whoa, whoa, whoa, brakes... reverse... nowhere near the L word. Hehe, that said, I am refering to emotional relationships, not a cold, totally service-based D/s relationships. ok lol..now i am confused...emotional.....but not Love .Mmmm can you explain the difference?

Tigrita -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/15/2008 11:04:50 AM)
Don't you feel emotion, friendship, affection for someone when you are getting to know them before you feel love? Now I'm confused...

Justme696 -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/15/2008 11:49:36 AM)
Yes of course!!!!..I was thinking to complicated..lol...bad habbit of mine..thinking that is

ownedgirlie -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/15/2008 12:06:49 PM)
Most of my assignments, especially in the beginning, were writing assignments. Yes, it was a commitment for me to invest the time and energy to to them. It was a commitment for him to take the time to read them and to come to know and understand me well enough to make decisions that were beneficial for me and for the dynamic we both wanted together. It was a huge commitment on his part to invest all he has into training me and bringing out my best. It took his efforts to monitor me and decide what types of direction would be best for me.

Justme696 -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/15/2008 12:11:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie Most of my assignments, especially in the beginning, were writing assignments. Yes, it was a commitment for me to invest the time and energy to to them. It was a commitment for him to take the time to read them and to come to know and understand me well enough to make decisions that were beneficial for me and for the dynamic we both wanted together. It was a huge commitment on his part to invest all he has into training me and bringing out my best. It took his efforts to monitor me and decide what types of direction would be best for me. I let me girl re-open her blog again. So I learned more about her thoughts

Stephann -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/15/2008 12:46:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Tigrita Statepalace’s thread here spoke to something I’d been thinking about recently also and I didn’t want to hijack that, so I’ll start a new one. What does it mean to share yourself with someone? How is that accomplished? How is it reciprocated? One way, is giving someone room in your head, in your heart, in your life. When some of the little things you think and do, you do with them in mind. When it comes to D/s, this can happen in the form of tasks, or expectations, outside of play time. So easy it might be for a dominant to assign something, or expect something, and how eager a submissive might be to comply, to please, without either stopping to realize what that really means. That it means investing some of your life into them, whatever small part, or maybe a large part. But how does one know that this is not one-sided? That they also make room in their life and their heart for you? So easy it could be to give this room away without gaining a safe place to stand in return. Something to think about… for a dominant to realize that these expectations mean an investment, a commitment, one that needs to be reciprocated if a healthy balance is to be maintained. If they ask for these things, to whatever degree, IMO it should mean that they are making that investment and commitment themselves to that degree as well. Thoughts? Experiences? Someone has to blink first. A friend, Z, of charlotte's recently was dating, casually, a guy. Z had developed very strong feelings for this guy, but was terrified of telling him. He, in turn, made no declarations of any kind. One day, she admitted to him that she loved him. He was shocked, and said he had no idea she felt so strongly. Making space, time, and incorporating someone into your life means taking a risk. Without that risk, relationships become hollow. Obviously, it's never great when two people don't share mutual desires or goals, but those goals and desires can't be mutual if there's no communication and exchange. Stephan

takenbyjohnr07 -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/15/2008 1:10:48 PM)
We are a loving and committed couple whether we practice D/s or not. We have that foundation. Any assigments and or tasks he gives me, he does it to teach me so that i learn and grow. He is invested in me totally, because he does this, because he is taking his time,training me and getting to know all of me as well as he can. We live the D/s way, we dont just play at it, so sometimes that makes a differrence on if the relationship is one sided or not.

cherrypez -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/15/2008 4:36:40 PM)
For me the sharing part comes from sharing myself and not in a psychial way, kneeling, doing tasks and assignments, offering myself sexually came easy. Sharing my thoughts, my feelings, my worries, fears, came rather difficult. I struggled with should I tell him that I feel this way because he might not like what I have to say. Should I share this thought with him because he might think I was crazy? Should I express everything without fear of how he will take it? It took me a very long time to be able to share these parts of me. Sometimes, he didn't agree with how I felt about things, sometimes, he thought my feelings about things didn't match his own, but the bottom line he respected my thoughts, my feelings, my worries and fears. There probably isn't anything that I couldn't go and share with him. As a matter of fact, today when I was troubled and there was a huge life problem that could effect both of us, he was the absolute first person I wanted to talk to. We both shared, thoughts feelings worries and concerns and how we can ultimately deal with the dilemma. I am not sure this is what you were looking for but that's what it means to me.

sunshinemiss -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/15/2008 7:27:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP That sums it up nicely. I'm not going to make anyone a priority who makes me an option. I have a sign up in my apartment that says, "Don't cry for someone who won't cry for you." I like waht You ahve said, though... it is really succinct and clear. peace

MasterFireMaam -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/15/2008 11:07:25 PM)
How do you do this to build a non-kink relationship? It works just the same...only the tools in the garage are different. Master Fire

Justme696 -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/16/2008 12:27:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam How do you do this to build a non-kink relationship? It works just the same...only the tools in the garage are different. Master Fire exacly.... agree

cainssub -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/16/2008 9:25:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Tigrita What does it mean to share yourself with someone? How is that accomplished? How is it reciprocated? One way, is giving someone room in your head, in your heart, in your life. When some of the little things you think and do, you do with them in mind. When it comes to D/s, this can happen in the form of tasks, or expectations, outside of play time. But how does one know that this is not one-sided? That they also make room in their life and their heart for you? "the essence of loyalty is reciprocity" Nelson DeMille "The Lions Game" i read his novels because Master enjoys them........just one of the ways i can give Him my time when we can't be in contact or engage in play, i read the same words He's read and then we can talk about it...... One can never know for sure if they've made it into someone elses heart....its called faith, you either believe they care for you in the same way or you dont. Master is in another state so i cant feel His touch (yet) to know, or even truly look into His eyes for the inkling.....He demonstrates how He feels by calling me, contacting me, checking on me and correcting me when necessary.......and by teaching me to grow in ways i never thought possible...

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